My life in Toilets - Part 2

Not only did I risk a criminal record and incarceration in Australia as a result of a pressing need to relieve myself but I have also found such a simple function nearly disastrous elsewhere too.

A prime example was when I travelled to the north of England to meet my future wife’s family for the first time. I knew it was going to be difficult anyway because they viewed anybody born south of Sheffield with acute suspicion and prejudice. I, having not even been born in the UK let alone Yorkshire was not considered human by them let alone suitable marriage material for their daughter.

I had to make a good impression so I rehearsed the things I would say and the complements I would pay to her mother. We arranged to make our arrival gradual by stopping off first at her sister in Malvern so she could phone ahead and say how nice I was. Or that was the plan anyway.

We arrived in Malvern to a warm welcome which immediately put me at my ease. However, shortly after arriving I felt the need to pay a visit to the smallest room in the house. They had kids and their main toilet was full of their stuff so I was led to the newly decorated en-suite bedroom and invited to use that one and, having paid the right complements about the decor and carpeting I settled down.

How can I explain this? It was a ‘big’ visit is all I will say. Having finished I pulled the flush and went to the basin to wash my hands. Suddenly in the mirror I saw water. The toilet had blocked. There was water and everything else pouring onto the carpet.

How do you go to someone you have just met and explain that you have made their toilet overflow? Well I had to and mine host spent the next hour or so with a coat. hanger, mop and rubber gloves clearing things up. The news had spread by the time we reached Judith’s parents and I saw the look of fear on their faces when I asked where their toilet was. Relations deteriorated even further during our short stay.

You get toilets in all shapes and sizes as you travel around the world on business and many are strange indeed. Like the rotating, self cleaning seat in Athens and the Tokyo Karaoke bar whose loo had cowboy saloon type doors so anybody walking by could see all of you sitting there apart from your groin area. Made it hard to concentrate especially when having a wipe!

Then there are those hotel toilets they insist on placing directly behind the door. I came back to my hotel from a late dinner in Paris not that long ago and went straight into such a bathroom. I hung my jacket on the hook behind the door and, after my bath went to bed. On opening the door the next morning I found my jacket had fallen off the shallow knob on the door and dropped into the open toilet. My first thought was 'had I pulled the handle before going to bed'. Thankfully I had and after 45 minutes with the hotel hair dryer I made my meeting although I did get some very funny looks.

I got some even stranger looks a few weeks later. I had got a job with the AA and was meeting a new and very formidable senior director at their Bristol regional headquarters. He was an ex military man and liked everything in its place including more junior visitors. On arrival some of my colleagues arranged a buffet lunch for me which was very kind. We loaded our plates from the table and sat on chairs to eat from our laps. Unbeknown to me a portion of butter was stuck to the bottom of my plate and had transferred in a greasy mess to my trousers.

Oh no I thought. What am I going to do? 10 minutes away from meeting someone even fiercer than my mother-in-law and my trousers were a mess. I shot into the nearby gentlemen’s toilet, soaked my handkerchief in scalding soapy water and rubbed the stain as hard as I could. It mainly spread the problem but then worse was going to come. There were no linen or paper towels but I needed to get it dry.

All they had was a wall mounted warm air hand dryer. I could not take my trousers off in such a public place so I tried to think of another solution. I found out that if I put my dry leg over the top of the dryer, an elbow on the sink next to it and a hand gripping a sink tap I could raise my body off the ground and dangle the wet trouser leg under the dryer. I was in the process of adopting this position when the door opened.

A very distinguished man walked in. he stopped mid stride, his jaw dropped and he muttered ‘what the hell?’ before turning on his heel and walking out. When I finished I went to the regional director’s office and met the great man. I had met him a few minutes earlier. He was the man who quite literally had nearly caught me with my pants down!

Pets Abroad 2 – Carnage in Kitwe

You may remember I told you about our Kent farm cat Sooty (he was black) and how we took him with us when we got posted to Kitwe in Zambia. I explained how this small dinky looking fiend incarnate made himself quickly at home by terrorising our house staff and laying waste to the neighbourhood. In the next few paragraphs I will tell you more of his antics and how he became known within the community as ‘Madam’s Devil Cat’.

I preffered ‘devil cat’ to our house servants name for him which was ‘Madam’s pussy’. It started to get embarrassing as Silas would frequently burst into the lounge in front of guests and say “I cannot find Madam’s pussy” which raised many a guffaw. “I last saw it in Madam’s bedroom” he would continue.

Silas and I had a number of issues about who he should call what. For instance he would insist on calling me Bwana which made me feel like some kind of ancient white hunter. I frequently had conversations with him about it which went something like this:

Silas I cannot find Madam’s pussy Bwana.
Me. How many times have I told you? Stop calling me Bwana.
Silas. Ya Bwana
Me. I want you to call me sir.
Silas. Ya Bwana sir.
Me. No! Not Bwana sir. Just sir.
Do you understand?
Silas. Ya Bwana!
Me. Give me strength.

After a couple of weeks Sooty was beginning to feel at home. Despite being black and furry he seemed completely oblivious to the incredible heat although he did start to pant like a dog. He set about establishing himself as the top cat in the neighbourhood and rarely a day went past without hearing the sound of yowling, spitting and barking as he wreaked his havoc. He further amused himself by ambushing our gardener Patrick by lying on top of the garden archways and hurling himself on Patrick’s head as he walked underneath. The poor man would then run around the garden shrieking until Sooty stopped chewing and jumped off.

Another problem Sooty caused involved venomous snakes. I remember he found one in the garden where it had nested under the pool pump cover. He used to kill them but sometimes, as in this case, he wanted to show off by bringing it in and dropping the live and angry serpent on the lounge rug. Everybody jumped up onto the furniture as the thing thrashed around while Sooty sat a safe distance away licking his bottom and grooming himself in general.

The uproar brought Silas in. “Oh Bwana” he cried. Before I could say ‘don’t call me Bwana’ he was out the door. He returned a few seconds later with Patrick’s machete and chopped its head off. We had to live with a stained rug with a four inch cut through it for the rest of our stay

When he was not eating creatures such as insects, spiders, geckos, snakes (he always left the head) and other such things he insisted on Whiskas tinned cat food which we brought in on our trips back from holidays in England. It created great interest at customs. The officials saw the pictures on the tin and became convinced that it was tinned cat. “What does cat taste like they asked? I had trouble getting through to them that it was tuna jelly meat Whiskas for cats not of cat but with little success. In order to get it through customs I had to leave a few tins for them. They told me afterwards that cat tasted delicious and quite a bit like fish!

We only actually lost Sooty once. I reminded Silas of our agreement which was effectively ‘no cat equals no job’ for him and the neighbourhood was mobilised. Things looked bleak and we became resigned to the likelihood that Sooty was probably in some cooking pot or had fallen prey to one of the local guard dogs who harboured a grudge against him.

Suddenly we heard some ghostly wailing and an urgent cry of “Bwana, Bwana I have found Madam’s pussy!” We ran around the side of the house to find Silas leaping up and down pointing to a large diameter storm drainpipe where the yowling was coming from. Sooty was stuck in the ‘U’ bend. We had to tear the pipe off the wall to get to him. When it was horizontal a large lizard shot out with Sooty in hot pursuit. It ran up the wall and so did Sooty and the lizard was no more. He ran up the slope of the roof with the lizard’s tail hanging out the side of his mouth and on reaching the peak evacuated his bowels in shock.

In all the years we had Sooty it was his one and only showing of fear. Unfortunately it was one to remember as, for the next six months the pyramid of excrement stayed there until the monsoons washed it away. Despite everything he was a lovely cat and one you could definitely call a ‘character’, although many in Zambia did not share my admiration for the ‘Devil Cat’.

A Foretaste Of The Solianos' Album

This is a truncated live version (normal should be 3.5 minutes with great jazzy piano improv) of The Solianos' rendition of the classic Tudung Periuk recently at No Black Tie. It was after hearing them do this number that I thought they should do an album, thus introducing Leslie Loh of pop pop music label to them.

If I can describe them, they are Malaysia's equivalent to The Manhatten Transfer. Wallah, the recording is almost complete. Hope it can be out by December.



Commentary On Hot Stocks

You cannot please everyone, even when you are just commenting on hot stocks, some will say I only comment on them after they moved. So what, how am I to know things before the corporate moves? Unless I am the one driving the exercise. These are not fundamentals based analysis. These are hot stocks. The aim is to ascertain if they have more upside or the upside is limited from here. Its call trading, ok!

MRCB - Looks to have finally found some wind in its sails. Upside is there, not much and will be slow.

OSK - News that Maybank has made a bid for OSK seems to be true but Ong Leong Huat will probably not bite. Hence the rally is petering out. Based on active volume in the market, all brokers stocks should be rated higher. Upside limited beyong RM2.00.

Press Metal - Besides showing excellent results for the last 2 quarters, it appears there is a new big investor in the company. Broke through recent high easily, should have more upside. Valuation wise justifiable up to RM2.60.

K One - Since the last commentary it has rosen from RM1.00 to above RM1.50. Fell following the UMA from Bursa. Still look good until their corporate exercise announcement.

Kinsteel - Following the previous commentary, looking to shift gears. OK to trade.

Landmark - Looking to establish a new base to rally. Quick trade.

NOTE: The above opinion is not an invitation to buy or sell. It serves as a blogging activity of my investing thoughts and ideas, this does not represent an investment advisory service as I charge no subscription or management fees (donations are welcomed though). The content on this site is provided as general information only and should not be taken as investment advice. All site content, shall not be construed as a recommendation to buy or sell any security or financial instrument. The ideas expressed are solely the opinions of the author. Any action that you take as a result of information, analysis, or commentary on this site is ultimately your responsibility. Consult your investment adviser before making any investment decisions.

Marketocracy Portfolio As At 9 November 2010

graph of fund vs. market indexes




left curve recent returns vs. major indexes right curve
Beating Today MTD QTD YTD
SMF 0.13% 6.88% 9.80% 13.51%
S&P 500 -0.10% 3.44% 7.37% 11.55%
DOW -0.19% 2.59% 5.74% 9.39%
Nasdaq 0.01% 2.90% 8.93% 13.70%

recent returns right curve
RETURNS
Last Week 6.68%
Last Month 6.47%
Last 3 Months 13.65%
Last 6 Months 7.31%
Last 12 Months 23.98%
Last 2 Years 105.75%
Last 3 Years N/A
Last 5 Years N/A
Since Inception 43.38%
(Annualized) 17.02%
S&P500 RETURNS
Last Week 3.34%
Last Month 5.10%
Last 3 Months 9.67%
Last 6 Months 5.42%
Last 12 Months 16.72%
Last 2 Years 37.54%
Last 3 Years N/A
Last 5 Years N/A
Since Inception 2.57%
(Annualized) 1.11%
RETURNS VS S&P500
Last Week 3.34%
Last Month 1.36%
Last 3 Months 3.97%
Last 6 Months 1.88%
Last 12 Months 7.26%
Last 2 Years 68.22%
Last 3 Years N/A
Last 5 Years N/A
Since Inception 40.82%
(Annualized) 15.91%
left curve alpha/beta vs. S&P500 right curve
Alpha 16.18%
Beta 1.15
R-Squared 0.77
left curve turnover right curve
Last Month 9.49%
Last 3 Months 19.19%
Last 6 Months 47.23%
Last 12 Months 131.20%



Symbol Price Shares Value Portion of Fund Gains Inception Return
NYB $17.15 6,000 $102,900.00 7.16% $37,167.27 56.54%
FMC $77.04 1,500 $115,560.00 8.04% $31,721.85 37.67% Details
PLD $14.74 8,118 $119,618.73 8.32% $30,059.79 33.56% Details
F $16.48 8,000 $131,840.00 9.17% $138,804.57 51.57% Details
BP $44.09 3,000 $132,270.00 9.20% $43,548.12 28.49% Details MIDDLE
QSII $63.94 1,500 $95,910.00 6.67% $27,472.77 22.89%
C $4.44 25,000 $111,000.00 7.72% $87,454.95 25.04%
UCO $11.69 6,000 $70,140.00 4.88% $8,479.31 13.75%
WFMI $46.24 2,500 $115,600.00 8.04% $13,305.39 13.01%
GE $16.72 4,000 $66,882.00 4.65% $7,644.75 12.91% Details
AFL $57.33 1,500 $85,995.00 5.98% $2,517.42 3.02% Details
BAC $12.54 14,000 $175,560.00 12.21% $31,893.53 9.39% Details


[download spreadsheet]
Close Date Type Symbol Shares Net Avg. Price Net
Oct 29, 2010 Sell SUN 3,000 $37.4391 $112,317.29 Details
Oct 28, 2010 Buy AFL 1,500 $55.6517 $83,477.58 Details
Oct 21, 2010 Buy BAC 5,000 $11.75 $58,750.02 Details
Aug 17, 2010 Sell POT 1,000 $140.3169 $140,316.93 Details
Aug 12, 2010 Buy F 8,000 $12.4259 $99,407.51 Details
Jul 29, 2010 Sell NVDA 9,000 $9.1826 $82,643.21 Details
Jul 22, 2010 Sell C 5,000 $4.0199 $20,099.65 Details
Jul 22, 2010 Buy UCO 6,000 $10.2768 $61,660.69 Details
Jul 12, 2010 Sell BP 1,750 $36.6356 $64,112.22 Details
Jun 25, 2010 Buy BP 800 $27.55 $22,040.00 Details
Jun 14, 2010 Buy BP 1,500 $31.4431 $47,164.65 Details
Jun 11, 2010 Buy BP 2,000 $34.1535 $68,306.95 Details

My Life in Toilets – Part 1

Yes I know…a strange title but stay with me.
In the process of writing these blog ‘memoires' I started to realise how often the word toilet was coming up. This sounds odd to me too but I began to realise that toilets had played an important (albeit traumatic) part in my career over the years.

Some of you who may have read my rambling will remember how I fought an Australian in a Sydney W.C. and a large female attendant in a toilet next to the Paris perimeter motorway but these are just small skirmishes in my war with public conveniences of the world. I have fought with and in toilets across all continents and I feel I owe it to posterity to clear my conscience now as I lurch towards my twilight years. After all, how many people can say they have lost business, ruined relationships and been arrested whilst simply trying to relieve myself.

My most disastrous first memory was when I got arrested for indecent exposure in Perth, Western Australia. It was an awful misunderstanding. I had flown to the other side of the world to visit my then girlfriend who had been ‘forced’ to emigrate with her parents a few weeks previously. I travelled on airline staff tickets and it took me two sleepless days to make the journey. I found her address which was in the suburbs of the city and presented myself on her doorstep unannounced. Her new boyfriend answered the door!

What has this terrible tale of a jetlagged and broken heart got to do with toilets? That came later when she, her new boyfriend and her parents felt obliged to take me along to a dinner dance they were about to leave for. I was clearly as welcome as haemarrhoids .We sat at a big table with huge flagons of cold Swan Lager in the middle and I sat and watched the lovely Sue dancing with her new love so closely that you could not squeeze a cigarette paper between them.

There was nothing for it so I turned to drink. After consuming one flagon by myself I felt the most excruciating need to relieve myself so I stood up and made my way unsteadily across to the corner of the room where the toilets were. It was all a blur to me but apparently I first went into the ladies and got ejected. I went through another door which said ‘MEN’ and there was a further plain door on the left going into the toilet itself and another on the right that provided access to another entertainment room.

By this stage I really feared I was not going to make it in time so I started unzipping and preparing as I walked. I was out and ready as I turned right and fell into the other function room where they were celebrating a golden wedding. There was uproar. One of the people there was an off duty police officer and he immediately pinned me to the wall, read me my rights and arrested me for indecent exposure.

He phoned for back-up and a car and marched me out onto the pub forecourt whilst I continued trying to pull up my zip. The zip got caught (some of my male readers may understand the pain) which made things even worse. To cap it all they would not let me go back in so I had to pee against the wall which added another charge to my sheet.

My lovely ex and her family knew nothing of this until they got a call from the police station and an order to come and collect me. By this time I had been able to explain my jet lag, tiredness and misery and they took pity on me after having a good laugh at my expense. Needless to say I was disowned by my reluctant hosts who drove me to Perth Airport where I spent the night in the departures hall.

Whenever I go back to Australia I always wonder if one day I will stand at the immigration desk and this arrest with reason will flash up on the screen. So far so good but there is more to come in ‘Toilets 2’ the sequel!

Laggards

The markets barely started its bull run and you already have houses recommending laggards. Are we in a bull run? Yes, we have barely started. You can sense more and more funds being poured into the markets. There is a willingness and belief that you can make money from the markets. This is not the time for long term fundamental plays. You have to adjust your market strategy accordingly.


Credit Suisse like the following laggards: Laggards with potential catalysts: Bursa, Public Bank, IJM Corp and Alliance Bank. They also like low-beta laggards with high dividend yields, which may be off investors’ radar screen in the short term as the market appears to be chasing for beta – they include Berjaya Sports Toto, Maxis, Digi and Sunway REIT. Low beta stocks are out for me, you are wasting your time. Its like you can have any ride at Disney, and you go and pick the teacup ride.

Bursa (beta of 1.33). Possible catalysts: 1) Rising liquidity; 2) Improving capital market related news flow (Including record listings). Investment view: CS maintains an OUTPERFORM as it is a proxy to the strong markets, with liquidity returning to the market. Its foreign shareholding was 19% as of October 2010, close to an all-time low of 14% (versus peak of 44% in October 2007). Well, I don't prefer Bursa, if its volume play, go for TA and OSK.


IJM (beta of 1.49). Possible catalysts: 1) Completion of te selldown of IJM shares by major shareholder Zelan, 2) positive news flow on the expansion prospects of its construction orderbook, 3) rerating of its listed property arm, IJM Land. Investment view: CS continues to rate IJM an OUTPERFORM, as they believe that its construction orderbook expansion prospects appear promising and expect near-to-medium-term positive news flow on contract wins to rerate the stock. IJM trades at 14.0x 2011E P/E (versus 15.4x for Gamuda), a discount to the market's 15.7x. I like IJM too, especially with Zelan finishing its sell down, and a possible corporate exercise with IJM Land.

Alliance Finance (beta of 1.08). Possible catalysts: 1) Potential takeover target, 2) beneficiary of rising interest rates, 3) renewed IR initiatives could raise earnings visibility and 4) a huge potential for provision write-back. Investment view: CS have an OUTPERFORM on Alliance. The key senior management team remains intact, and the stock should get rerated as the market gets more comfortable with the new CEO. Alliance could be a beneficiary of improving Singapore-Malaysia ties as authorities may become increasingly more flexible on Temasek's exposure to Alliance. To me, there are better stocks to trade in the current market trend.



NOTE: The above opinion is not an invitation to buy or sell. It serves as a blogging activity of my investing thoughts and ideas, this does not represent an investment advisory service as I charge no subscription or management fees (donations are welcomed though). The content on this site is provided as general information only and should not be taken as investment advice. All site content, shall not be construed as a recommendation to buy or sell any security or financial instrument. The ideas expressed are solely the opinions of the author. Any action that you take as a result of information, analysis, or commentary on this site is ultimately your responsibility. Consult your investment adviser before making any investment decisions.