Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing

As I work at listening without interrupting, adding that to my "Make My Marriage Rock" list of things to do, I read the next line on my list:  Speak without Accusing.

Do I do this?  I do.  I credit the marriage seminar my husband and I attended last year for tuning me into it, and, my goodness, the small ways it enters my speech horrify me.  I did not realize how lax my speech sounded -- so that the person receiving it (my husband) felt the need to defend himself.  He and I have found ourselves caught in that trap often throughout our twenty-one years of marriage, each of us feeling unheard and misunderstood.  When a person feels that way, accusations form (without thought or plan) in order to protect self.  Defend!  I must protect my own ... and then I forget that my own is my husband.  

The phrase, "Think before you speak," fits perfectly here, as I'm sure I don't listen to myself closely enough to gauge accusatory tones or words.  I should -- SHOULD -- have my brain engaged fully before the words fall out of my mouth.  The brain-tongue collaboration seems to flow effortlessly, and that, I think, gives me this problem.  My brain doesn't need to work very hard to help me form the language I use, and the words just ... happen.  And they can hurt more quickly and easily than I know.

The verse illustrating the charge to "Speak without Accusing" comes from James 1:19 (and 20):

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

Check it out!  Everyone should be quick ... to ... listen, followed directly by slow to speak.   Already, this reviews the idea of listening without interrupting.  God knows what he's doing.  Go, God!  Biblical instruction comes in varying phrases, as well as repetitive ones, because He knows we need rephrasing and that we don't take it all in the first time.  Like our own children, we need reminding.

In his book, Now You're Speaking My Language, Dr. Gary Chapman suggests that couples listen carefully to themselves, and to realize that many of our sentences start with "you."  Usually, the "you" has an absolute following it, such as "always" or "never".  Usually, "you" follows with an accusation. 

Does this man have us under surveillance?  

See if these patterns feel familiar:

You always come home late from work.

You never take out the trash.

You don't take time to listen to the kids.

You never try very hard to make time for me.

You don't seem to care about how I feel.

You always say that.

Women use absolutes (always/never) in a way we don't mean.  We want our husbands to know how much we need their attention, time and caring actions, and maybe a little help here and there.  If I say, "You never take out the trash," what I really mean is, "I feel as if I am the only one taking out the trash.  I can't remember the last time someone else did it."  He hears, "She thinks I am lazy and worthless.  She doesn't see what I do around here, so why bother at all?"  Believe it.  He hears that!

Then the fireworks begin.  "You said, ..." "No, I didn't!" "Yes, you did, and you can just do it yourself forever, then.  I'm done." "But, wait!  I didn't mean ..." 

The fireworks may last a lot longer, and the finale may be breathtaking in a way you don't want:  having the wind knocked out of you in an all-out, drag-down fight.

A couple of things I have read on several blogs, research sites and pretty much the Internet over, as well as in several books (including Dr. Chapman's) that really make a difference in speaking without accusing are these --

• Pray about what you feel you need to express to your spouse.  Get Divine Guidance first!
• Think about what you want your spouse to understand, and carefully choose words that send the message you want to send.  Think and pray, pray and think.  
• Get in the habit of using "I" instead of "you".  As you prayerfully consider what you will say, phrase your needs by starting with "I" -- "I feel disappointed when you arrive home late in the evening because we don't have much time to spend together.  I miss you."  
• Prepare him for the conversation with a lead-in, something that will not send him to his defensive line, but will help him to focus on the meaning of your words.  Starting with, "Do you have a minute?  I really would like to explain something to you that I've been thinking about a lot."  For seriously beleaguered husbands, it may help to buffer with a little more blunt beginning, "I do not intend to offend you, nor do I want to argue with you.  I would like to share my feelings with you, and would like your help."
• If the conversation begins to take one of the same old detours -- those that will lead to a fight -- learn to say, "Let's stop.  We need to go back to find where we went the wrong way.  We don't want to go this direction."  You may need to backtrack to find the words or tones that caused a stir and smooth them.  Work together!

Change the war zone into communication.  Build the bridges you have burnt by taking the time to construct new ones of better material, of lasting, impervious trust and admiration, of care-taking of the speech you offer your beloved, of kindness and consideration.  When the construction gets a little weak, study it, take down the bad pieces and replace them with something more solid.  You'll know the right materials.

Go now and be quick to listen to that husband of yours.  Be slow to speak -- cast opinions aside unless you ask first, and then go forth with care.  Hold onto your temper and really listen.  Listen hard and from his perspective.  If you can't manage that, ask him to clarify.  Talk it out.  Don't quit, don't give in to anger.  Present yourself after careful prayer and consideration, and with great humility.

Most of these things don't come naturally in a husband-wife relationship after the newness has worn from the surface.  We must build the framework ourselves, adding support and walls and decoration that compliment it -- and do a good job of it so that our marriages will stand firm and not be rocked in any storm that comes along.

Other Articles in This Series:

• Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
• Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
• Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
• Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
• Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting 
• Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
• Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
• Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering 

Your Wifely Approval Rating

How can I be a better wife?  That is the question.

I have my own answers.  I can fill in the blanks myself with simple things as:

      "Don't miss a chance to kiss him 'hello' when he arrives home from work everyday."
      "Speak kindly and listen carefully all the time."
      "Tell him I love him.  Often.

While I'm at it, I might as well fill in what the man would like for Christmas and his birthday, because I will, more than likely, not list many of the things he would like or need.  I know that the second answer makes his list because he has told me those things matter.  The other two actions feel important, but in his way of thinking, don't need correcting or improvement.  They hold meaning, but they don't affect his self-esteem or heart capacity -- because I do not rank a deficit in those areas.

My husband and I attended a marriage seminar with several couples from our church last fall, by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Neither of us realized it would affect us in the way it did.  Dr. Chapman asked that each spouse ask the other, every once in a while, what would make him a better husband/her a better wife.

This sounds simple. It also sounded revolutionary to two people who focused on their own needs too closely and thought they were doing what the other wanted or needed, but missed the target more than we hit it.

This small suggestion packed a punch, and made each of us sit up and take notice.

It also strikes a kind of fear deep within the person asking.  Getting these words out without feeling butterflies in my stomach hasn't happened yet.  I can have a small bout of anxiety while waiting for the answer (because the receiving spouse should think very carefully and not rush into an answer), which feels similar to waiting for test results from a doctor.

What is wrong with me that he might decide needs fixing?

As we drove home under grey October skies after that seminar, my husband surprised me by asking, "How can I be a better husband to you?"  At that moment in time, having him attend the seminar with me and participate actively made his approval rating rise in my heart and mind.  He couldn't do a better job at husband-ing than he had already done.  For that moment, hour and day.  I told him so, and his smile told me he felt successful already.

Several days after that car ride, I asked my question with some trepidation.  How can I be a better wife to you?  Whew!  I got that out of the way ... and then had to wait for the answer.  The answer took several days for him to develop, between thinking and busy days at work and at home.  His answer both delighted and disappointed me.

He told me I did a great job doing what I do right now, and he had no complaints.

ACK!  I got a good review.  I had prepared myself for some hard knocks in the wife department, maybe a short list of improvements that I might find difficult or maybe overwhelming to undertake.  Instead, I received a star on my Chart of Wifely Behavior.  My approval rating stood near the top.

"Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!" Psalm 141:3

But, complacency, or worse, inflated ego would make a poor choice of mind-set after one good rating.  In anticipation of the question sometime in the future, I decided to polish my skill set as a wife.  And, as in any other job any of us undertakes, I fail in some areas at various times and have to go back to the drawing board. I am not, nor will I ever be perfect.  I have a desire to try for perfection -- in the eyes, heart and mind of my husband -- and that makes the difference.

Throughout the past year, we have crept up on each other with The Question a handful of times each.  I do not think we have over-asked it, nor have we assumed either of us perform so well that we don't think to ask it from time to time.  We know we fall short in our roles as husband and wife here and there, depending on stress, lack of sleep, hormones (!) and other factors.

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."  Proverbs 15:1

Our improved "approval rating" for each other lies partly in the fact that because of The Question, we pay attention to our attitudes, actions and words more closely.  We renew our hope in each other and in our marriage by offering thoughtful answers to The Question that serve in smoothing, improving and sometimes redirecting our relationship as husband and wife, and as people.

I like a good rating as well as the next person, but hearing, "Good job!" at every turn does not instruct me.  Those words, carelessly spoken, can mislead me, and I will begin to focus on my wants and needs, and maybe try to finagle ways to achieve them.

It seems a good idea to discuss The Question with your spouse prior to popping this very meaningful question.  If a husband or wife sits in a different boat in your marriage relationship, answers to The Question may come out as pointed and hurtful, rather than constructive and regenerating.  Discuss it, that it makes a good tool for keeping in touch with each other's needs, and builds bridges between you. In a marriage, you want Venice (actually, Pittsburgh, since it contains more bridges) on your bridge-building landscape.  Aim high.  CONNECT.

Go ahead.  Ask it!

How to Talk so He Will Listen; How to Listen so He Will Talk: Deciphering Husbands

I'll bet you have thought or felt these things:  He never listens.  He hardly talks to me.  He shuts me out.  I may as well talk to the wall.  He's distant.   He doesn't care.

Do you feel you're living smack-dab in the middle of the loud silence in your marriage and you're the only one?  I feel sad to say you're far from alone.  Though you've probably heard the statistic that suggests women talk three times as much as men, in many cases, men talk more or equally as much as women, depending on the circumstances.  You help make those circumstances what they are.  You may feel surprised to find that much of what you do and say has helped Mr. Silent Partner become more silent and less of a partner than you hope.

Men often don't talk to their wives for very good reasons, most of them learned behaviors - learned from years of negative interaction with those very wives.  And ladies, we teach them well.  We, in general, are the reason our husbands clam up when all we want to do is connect in the one way we feel most comfortable:  talking.

Here's a hint at why husbands seem so anti-chatty:

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,"  James 1:19
 In looking at this verse from James, a few things pop out to those of us who have found ourselves struck dumb by our husbands' lack of speech.  These same men, during courtship and engagement and even in the early years of marriage, could talk long into the night, chat for lengths of time on the phone and want to talk about everything with the ever-supportive wonderful woman.  Back then, a girl didn't have to question and cajole, she just started on a subject and the banter began.  She could disagree, but usually didn't.  She could jest, she could rib, she could tease. 

Now, when you get a few words going, he shuts down in no time.  Maybe he offers angry outbursts that shock and overwhelm you.  Maybe he leaves the room in silence.  Bits of teasing or joking end with angry words and hateful looks.  

For Pete's sake, how could he be so touchy?

Consider the conversations you do manage to have with the Man of the House these days.  How many times do you consider his opinion?  How much do you listen?  How many times do you criticize him?  Ridicule him?  How swiftly do you slap quickly at his ideas like an annoying mosquito and move along swiftly to your own, insightful viewpoint?  How many times do you correct him?  Do you may make less-than-accepting facial expressions?  Roll your eyes?  Be honest.  Watch yourself next time, and listen for yourself in your speech with this man you want so much to connect with.  Monitor your expression and your movements, your tone of voice, and most of all, your timing.  Even loving words, full of hope and purpose, can go over like a lead balloon at the wrong moment. 

Raise your hand if you are quick to listen.  This means that at the sound of your husband's voice you perk up and listen with undivided attention to his stories, his ideas for something in the house, his saga from the day at work ... and you ask questions to show interest and learn more.  
 

Stand up if you are slow to speak.  As he divulges information and feelings to you about what happened at a recent meeting, or how he handled a situation that doesn't concern you, or what he thinks about a player on his favorite sports team, how quickly do you look for a divergent path in subject matter?  How fast do you try to give him advice about how to handle the next meeting and stand up to that nitwit boss?  How soon into his words do you cut him off to offer a refreshing discourse of your own?

Give a thumbs-up if you have a long fuse before you blow your top or show your irritation at your man's daily goings on or at his manner of handling the children/a household task/bill-paying/matters of friendship/your marriage - aka you're slow to become angry.  How many times have you burst into your husband's "turn to talk" to condemn, ridicule, poke fun at, admonish, discipline or give a better view (i.e. your own) while he quietly withdraws, and then you jump right in with a tirade (which can happen in a very level voice -- it's what you say that matters, many times).

So, how to talk so he will listen, and also to listen so he will talk.

First, pray.  Connect with your Heavenly Father in this effort, because he wrote the rulebook and knows who this can work.  It can help to pour out your frustration as you begin this endeavor, because presently, you probably think it's futile.  I know I did.  If the man would look away from the television long enough for a few words, you'd melt.  So, go to God, let him know your worries, your reservations about sticking your neck out like this, and ask him for guidance, that your words will be His.

Second, be sure you're filling you heart with what his good.  Stop noticing your husband's shortcomings (you have them, too), and remember Matthew 7:3 - "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Give the man a break, and when you do, you will see a difference.  Silence is golden, and so are a few uplifting comments.  Speak positively.  Praise him.  Tell him what you like about him.  

Third, keep quiet and put serious effort into listening.  Men and women think differently.  We process situations differently.  We speak and listen differently.  As Dr. Emerson Eggerichs illustrates, women wear pink hearing aides and glasses, men wear blue.  Tune down your "coffee with the girls" way of thinking and tune into your husband.  Ask him questions about what he shares with you - to clarify, and to show interest.  The more you do, the more you will.  And he will appreciate it.  You will see his eyes. You will feel him connecting with you. 

Fourth, remember your husband is not a woman, and you are not a man.  We girls tend toward pulling our husbands into long, detail-filled sagas.  If you've ever had your husband ask, "Wait.  WHO are we talking about now?" you have met this head-on.  Our intricate weaving of relationships and experiences does not match our husband's carefully organized boxes of information that don't mix with the others in his massive brain-file of information.  Keep your sentences short, your words simple (meaning "normal" - nothing to include in your doctoral dissertation, please), and your voice moderated.  Leave out the drama. He's not wired for it and it's unnecessary anyway.  

Lastly, remember why you love this man.  Use that to propel you forward as you work on new concepts of communication.  You may feel frustrated as you begin this road to recovering communication with your spouse, but as with any new concept or skill, it takes practice and you will make mistakes.  Own them and discuss with your husband what you want to accomplish with him, and how  you can go about it together.  

As I study the concepts of communication and relationships within marriage, I have found myself wanting to highlight whole pages and chapters of books that have reached me where I needed it and given my husband and me a foothold where we used to fall off the wall into the pit of old habits and arguments.  One of these books is, Now You're Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage, by Dr. Gary Chapman.  His insight and simple explanations of concepts we clearly don't understand very well on our own (or we would be communicating better!) can change the atmosphere of your household.  It will help you understand your husband and your kids, if you have them.  Don't wait another minute to start reworking your communication style.  After all, it didn't used to be this way.