But how? If you have felt unable to share feelings for a long time, how do you start now? I confess, I didn't realize I wasn't sharing my feelings with my husband for a long time. Once I had my eyes opened to that (thank you, God), I knew why in an instant: sharing my feelings exposed me. It made me open, vulnerable and sometimes raw. It felt humbling sometimes and humiliating other times. It made me ... uncomfortable.
A principal I used to work for in an elementary school years ago explained communication blocks like this: When a person has been burned once by a person by means of having her words or feelings crushed, she will more than likely second-guess any future attempts at sharing. Slowly, slowly, slowly, she will stop sharing at all, except for necessary conversation. The worst part -- she won't even notice that she has sealed herself inside a cocoon, dissociating herself for her own protection."
In a nutshell, that means, "Once burned, twice shy."
So, how do you do it? How do you share your innermost self when you don't feel safe or accepted? What about just feeling out of practice? How do you share the most vulnerable hopes, fears, joys and sorrows? How do you present your feelings without fear of having them trampled or kicked aside? How will you avoid having your feelings judged? How will you manage to come at the end feeling like you want to take that ride again soon?
The first step comes by admitting you have the problem in the first place -- the need to have your feelings heard by your husband. If you have held back your feelings for months or years due to regular attacks on them, you may have successfully suppressed those urges to talk, but the feelings remain. They don't evaporate just by being left in a dry environment. They can annoy you from the inside leaving you feeling more resentful and hostile toward the man you married. You drop hints that come out as hurtful jabs. You speak with small indications that you have more in store, but you pull a bait-and-switch, talking on a different subject and making the man more confused. In protecting yourself, you injure him. When you injure him, he increases his distance. Worse, you have a deep need to vent, and any person with a willing ear will do.
Feelings in a loving relationship, when not shared, build invisible walls of unknown material -- neither spouse knows what the other feels because anger usually covers it -- outbursts, dropped like bombs, make too much distraction and cover the real issue with sheer volume of noise and harsh feeling. The anger covers sadness and loneliness, protecting the individual's dignity, yet in very undignified ways.
Feelings must come out with the use of caution, because feelings are fickle and situational. They are not fact, nor are they fiction. They often are reactions, or long-held beliefs that people hold onto for comfort, even if they are negative. Feelings a person shares must receive gentle handling once exposed in careful, constructive conversation. It begins as a big job, but gets easier with practice and willingness to learn and listen.
And so, how to do it?
1. Identify what you feel. I do not always have that easy a time at this. Women usually talk it out, and that's me to a T. I have to feel, then think and analyze and determine where the stem leads in order to get to the root. My husband is the instant-identify type, the Sherlock Holmes of identifying feelings -- able to detail every aspect of who, what, when, where and why.
2. Hash it out with God before you deliver the information to your spouse. God makes a great practice audience, and will provide the guidance you need in everything else. If you're having trouble with identifying what you feel, go to God first. He makes a great advisor at every turn.
3. Time it well/make an appointment. When you have the feeling identified, stop and think if "right now" works or if another time works better. If your mate has just arrived home from work, some time to decompress beforehand will help immensely. A tired, stressed listener -- especially if the feelings involve him -- does not do well with discussing volatile feelings. I have been the Queen of Poor Timing, so I can attest to the importance of this one. Making an appointment with him will give him a heads-up, too. Simply ask, "When would be a good time to talk with you about a feeling I have to share with you ... for some input?" He's going to wonder, but wouldn't you? It's a place to start.
4. Location, location, location. The place in which you share feelings can make or break the delivery. In the middle of a social gathering? With the kids nearby? Huh-uh. Any location that puts the speaker or listener into a risk-taking frame of mind will impede your success. Privacy matters.
5. Sandwich it. Start with points of praise to him, even thanking him for making this time for you. Transition into talk about the issue next -- the meat of your conversation. Follow up with praise and thanks for his hearing you and working with you. Beginning and ending with obvious positives make the real issue easier to manage for both spouses.
6. Use the "I feel ... " approach. No blaming language. Own your feelings in this way, " I feel lonely in the evenings when you watch television until bedtime. I know you're tired and want to relax. I find something to do, and that's okay. I would really like to spend more time with you and get closer to you. Will you help me figure this out? I appreciate your help." Proactive, not blaming. Conversation generating, not crushing. Give it a shot. It does make an impressive difference!
7. No absolutes allowed. "You always watch television." "You never help with the kids." Them's fightin' words, girlie. Revamp your vocabulary -- you want cooperation, not a clash. Nothing sets off a husband like an absolute, at least in my experience. These are the red flags for men in any discussion.
8. Stick to facts. Don't add conjecture. Feelings can bring uneasiness for both the speaker and listener (when the listener feels responsible, or suspects responsibility for causing whatever feelings exist). Try to tell why you feel the way you do, and don't allow further feelings to cover the facts. The example in #6 is direct and asking for cooperation. Adding, "You like to sit here all night doing nothing and you never pay any attention to me in the evenings," might feel true, but you are probably wrong. Not to mention, you have just offended him by telling him what he thinks and adding an absolute. Double-whammy.
Basic conversational etiquette always applies, so tone of voice, body language, facial expression (no eye rolling), and any other niceties will make your conversation on a tough topic flow more smoothly.
The first time out will definitely bring a new learning experience for you. The most important thing to remember is to surround the conversation in prayer. After that, remember that you can say, "Let's stop, please. We aren't going in the right direction, and neither of us want an argument. Let's go back to ____" and then do it. You're learning. You will always be learning, and this will get easier.
Our first few trots around the track felt more grueling than I hoped, but within seconds -- literally seconds of the end of the conversation, I felt bursts of hope in my heart. I shared them with my husband, explaining that the stumbling we did and then backtracking to smooth those spots, showed me how much we CAN do together.
As time and more talk went along, we learned from the last time how to improve this time, and had suggestions for the next time ... we had plans. And we shared our feelings on how a conversation went.
Sharing our feelings with each other became very natural. Now, we do it often and almost anywhere. Depending on the topic, it can be with an audience, too -- you know when you get there what is right and what isn't.
Don't give up before you start and don't quit once you meet a roadblock or a rocky spot. Put God first in the whole thing, talking it out first with him, and then thanking him for the progress you have made, and the hope you have for the future.
He has great hope for you, too. Cling to it.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
~~Jeremiah 29:11
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Bridging the Communication Gap with Your Husband
Communication: Chick Flick Versus Action Movie
How to Talk so He Will Listen, How to Listen so He Will Talk: Deciphering Husbands
Ladies Before Gentlemen: Making Marriage Changes
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