Stop the Bullying: Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Love.  It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. 

It doesn't keep track of wrongs.

I Corinthians 13:5

Go ahead.  Out them.  

You have a group of them, don't you?  They lurk, waiting to make an appearance when they can exhibit their strength, their power over you.  You know what it feels like, that in-the-past wrong-doing committed by your husband at your expense.  The giant debit column.  The list of wrongs.  The gang of bullies in an otherwise congenial community of experiences.

The irritations, annoyances, hurts, and painful memories attached to my husband over the years can get to me (if I let them).  I don't have a list in my head that I can rattle off on command, and most of the time, I don't remember a single negative occurrence.  But, once in a while, such as when other women complain about their husbands, or when an everyday occurrence triggers a memory, they can get to me -- if I let them have the chance.  If I give them that kind of power.

That bully metaphor?  Think about it.  It has "mean, inconsiderate husband" written all over it.  In real life, a bully has power over me when I allow him to intimidate me with words or with physical threat.  Our children have experienced bullying, and what do we tell them to do?  We ply them with a consistent list of anti-bullying measures:  

• pray for your enemy - for good things to come to him
• try to ignore his antics repeatedly until he loses interest/goes away
• stand up for yourself -- say something in response
• get help from someone in authority if you feel you are in danger

These same measures work for me as a wife, struggling against the bullying of Satan as he attempts to exert power over me in my marriage.  He wants nothing more than to rule over or destroy what God has created, and ... have you noticed what has happened to marriage lately?  Have you ever heard of more turmoil and seen more divorce or separation than you do in these modern, progressive, technologically advanced times? 

The Bible and its guiding principles don't read as modern or progressive or technologically advanced, but if you have Divine Guidance in reading it, studying it and praying about it, you have something timeless and that means it keeps up with the times.

God's word follows us into these modern times with consistent measures that work -- if we will put them to use.  When we guide our children, we do the same thing, providing them with guidance that will serve them all their lives, if only they respect it and remember it.  Our instruction will never fail them, when given with positive outcomes in mind.  In other words, it will work for them if it does not focus on restitution, vengeance, self-indulgence or self-righteousness, but on what is just and right.

Hmmmm.  Biblical!

Do yourself some good.  Oust those bullies in your brain.  You know they hide in there, that group of sneering no-goods that have perfect timing, never get caught and often turn up to join the fray in an argument or in that group of friends or coworkers who seem to feel vindicated when sharing the lows of their marriages, rather than the highs.  

Those antibullying measures work against the negative feelings and hurts.  Those bullying forces that play with my senses, encouraging me to revisit pain, to keep opening wounds that have begun to heal, to allow Satan a foot in the door to my thoughts and feelings -- they all need to go.  

The approach look like this.  I think you'll recognize it:

• pray for your enemy - for good things to come to him.  This means praying for protection against your own mind, and asking God to help you refocus on what good things your marriage has brought you, looking for the positives in your husband and praying for any healing and for conviction of sin that may exist -- in both of you.  It also means forgiving your husband for those past hurts.  Doing so helps free you from the power they hold over you.
• try to ignore his antics repeatedly until he loses interest/goes away.  This means don't take the bait.  When you recognize a trigger that brings out the bad, don't give in to it.  Turn another direction, become interested in something else.  Don't let the negatives have any of your attention.  Pray. 
• stand up for yourself -- say something in response.  A good "get thee behind me Satan!" does wonders.  Say it out loud, silently command it in your mind.  Research a Bible verse that brings you peace and comfort and trot it out in front of the Enemy.  God's word has more power than the Evil One ever will, as long as we remember to use it.  In the Armor of God (Ephesians 6), the Word (Bible and its contents) is the Sword of the Spirit for a good reason.  Use it for good.
• get help from someone in authority if you feel you are in danger.  This would be God.  Turn to Him in prayer and pour it all out to him.  The wrongs of a spouse, if we don't forgive them, will fester and can cause us to sin (turning away from spouse, turning to another person for comfort, act out wrongly, have harsh thoughts).  If you really find yourself tortured by bullying memories and , find a godly human guide who will help you through in a way that honors God and your marriage.  No gossip allowed, no slandering, no rehearsing of wrongs, and no opposite-sex mentors.

There you have it.  When you take the time to train yourself to a better approach, your mind begins to follow more readily.  One day, you may find that list of wrongs balled up in a corner of your mind.  You may never forget them completely, but you will know better than to flatten the paper and reread it.

When you fill more pages with the good stuff of marriage -- because that's what you choose to focus on -- you will want to celebrate that, instead.

How have you turned away bullying thoughts in your life about your husband or marriage?  What's your "go to" Bible verse?  What does your husband do that really floats your boat?

Seven Marriage DIY Projects

Every marriage looks and feels different, both inside it and for those looking in from the street view.  We don't expect that, really.  As for me, I thought some sort of mold existed, and that my new husband and I would just snuggle right down into each role. Perfect fit, no trimming, no remelting.

We have melted and remolded.  It hurt a lot in some places and felt like a spa treatment (not that I've had one) in others.  Through all the valleys and at the top of every hill or mountain, we have changed.

In marriage, molds don't exist.  Instead, you have to take the DIY -- Do It Yourself -- approach.  You have a manual called the Bible, and you have an instructor we know as God.  He wrote the Book, so he speaks from it and about it with in-depth knowledge and a complete understanding based on experience.

In other words,  He has seen and done it all, and knows everything.  He doesn't practice, for He is perfect.  You can't have a better Contractor (Carpenter, Electrician, Plumber, Mason, and Lanscaper, too -- He does it all) than that.

In our marriage struggles and successes, for better or worse, in sickness and in health and for richer or for poorer, I notice some common projects that have a place in every union.  Yes, no marriage will ever perfectly match another, but every blessed one has some commonalities.

Seven Marriage DIY Projects

7.  Communicating.  Yes, we all talk, but we do not all know how to communicate our wants, needs, desires and reactions effectively.  Emotion must step aside and allow fact to stand as the measure of marital discussion.  Emotion has it's place, but not here in the framework.  Emotion plays an important role, but stands on its own, in a separate place.   I learned that the hard way.

6. Sharing emotions/feelings.  Knowing how each of you feels on a wide array of topics.  Not knowing precedes disappointment, discouragement and resentment, which build walls that shut out numbers 5, 4, 3 and 2.

5. Sex.  Having it often, scheduling it if necessary when life gets busy.  It's near the middle of the list because it's the glue that holds two the pieces of the project together. If you leave it out for long periods of time ... well ... the project will definitely become unstable.  Ask me how I know.

4. Friendship.  Many marriages begin with it, and some end without it.  Friendship needs to remain in to keep the common bonds, the connecting activities, and a general respect for differences each person will always have.

3.  Love.  It's the little things.  The fixtures that make the plumbing useful.  The paint and decor that make the walls beautiful.  The appliances that make the home functional.  The furniture that makes the home comfortable.

2.  Trust.  Trust runs through a marriage continually, like electricity.  Some switches or outlets don't see as much use, but in a pinch, you can count on them.  Trust maintains all the main functions of the build.

1.  Praying.  You can't successfully achieve Marriage without it.  I have tried.  We have tried.  Millions of people continue to try.  Use it well and constantly.  It will help you get where you need to go.

Get with your Contractor today to get started on the project that has been nagging at you for a while.  The interesting aspect of taking on a Marriage DIY project is that by handling one well, you sometimes ... dare I say usually ... work on some of the others along the way.  What better byproduct(s) can you ask for than that?

What kind of DIY plans do you have for your marriage?

Dying to Self Gives Life to Marriage

Sacrifice.  Dying for someone else.  Easter.  Resurrection.  New life!

Yes, but Easter happened yesterday.  Does that make it old news?  Not hardly!  I think it explains better and makes more sense after the celebration of remembrance happens, after the realization of what our Lord suffered, and after the reality of what His resurrection really means has a chance to sink in.  No matter if we've all gone back to our regular lives, Christ's sacrifice goes on always, perpetually, conveying to us forgiveness for all the wrongs we have done and will do, all by heartfelt request.

The meaning of his sacrifice never stops happening.  Every deed we do, every word we say ought to measure up to each lash he took, each stumble, and each nail.  But, we fail, and we must ask forgiveness.  God's grace through Christ's sacrifice ... humbling.

Last week, I wrote about resurrecting or starting fresh with marriage with thoughts of Resurrection Day on our minds.  Easter's accompanying indicators: greening earth, chicken eggs, and Christ's rising from the dead, all point to new life.

We can't forget the dying, though, in order to fully appreciate the meaning of new life in Christ.  In a marriage, a sacrifice of death happens, too.  At least, it does for those who truly believe how marriage should work, and who have a God-inspired view of it.

As a wife, I must die to myself, sacrificing my wants and needs for the good of my husband.  He, likewise, should die to himself, focusing in the same manner.  In a Godly harmony of marriage, these actions would happen without questioning, doubting, or rolling eyes of disdain.

If you want new life in your marriage, you have no choice but to allow yourself to stand as a sacrifice to your husband.  You never say the words "I'm sacrificing for YOU."  You do not write a title or add captions to each "deed" you do to offer a sacrifice.  You just do.  You do it because you love the man you married and you want the best for him.  He should ("should" does not mean he will) act accordingly in your direction.

He might never do this, he might take make the first move, or he might jump on board with you, follow your example as you follow Christ's example, and you will feel supremely successful.  You may go it alone for a long time, or for always.  Sacrifice in marriage has no half way, no 50/50 balance.  You give, and you keep giving.  You don't expect.  You don't calculate worth.

Also, you will probably fail at sacrificing from time to time.  He will want to go for Chinese food tonight and you won't want it.  You will counter offer with Italian, and he will appear disappointed.  You move to Mexican.  Further disappointment.  You don't understand why.

He may have just sacrificed himself for you by offering a nice meal, one that you don't have to cook, and you shoot down his idea without batting an eye.  You have discredited his sacrifice by determining that the type of sacrifice he wants to make does not satisfy your criteria.  His sacrifice didn't "wow" you.  It didn't meet your needs because you didn't simply, graciously, accept his gift.

I know how this works, because I accomplished denial of my husband's sacrifice less than an hour ago. He whispered to me afterward, "I just wanted to do something nice for you."  I shot his idea and it went down in flames, but I fell to earth without quite so much glory and presence ... and with a loud "ker-THUMP".

Reclaiming the sacrifice of a husband takes some doing.  You can do it.  Apologizing goes a long way, and accepting his offer helps a lot, if he feels willing to continue.

Enjoying what he has offered and connecting with him as he enjoys giving to you ... doesn't sound at all like dying to yourself, does it?  When you accept your husband's sacrifices, stop stalling, refrain from judging, and accept it joyfully and with thanks.  Praise goes a long way!  He will feel successful, you will feel honored and cherished, and your marriage will bloom a bit more.  NEW LIFE!

Give it a try, won't you?

Marriage Resurrection

We celebrate Easter each spring, and I have learned to love hearing people share the greeting, "Happy Resurrection Day!"  What powerful meaning in those few words.

Easter Sunday is all about the resurrection of Jesus from the grave, overcoming death and taking his place in Heaven to make a place for those of us who believe and profess his death as payment for our sins and his subsequent resurrection as proof that he was no ordinary earthly man -- that death will not win.

Along with that amazing part of the story, Resurrection Day means a new start.  Christ, now residing in Heaven, preparing a place ... but also that the veil, keeping humans from intimate communion with God the Father, tore, opening the way directly to God.  Those who believe in the fullness of what Christ's death means know they have direct access to God, in Christ's name.  He opened the way for us -- the way to God and the way to eternal life.

I am the resurrection and the life.  Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this? ~~ John 11:25-26

As you look forward to Resurrection Day on Sunday, does renewed marriage enter your mind?  Easter Sunday reminds us of a new start.  Bulbs containing hyacinths, crocus, daffodils and lilies burst into bloom.  Trees begin to bud.  And as for the Lord?  A new way to interact with God -- no more intermediaries, no intercessors but for Christ.  No human needs to offer sacrifices and visibly sanctify himself to enter the Holy of Holies after that glorious day.  God gave us direct access that day, trading the veil in the temple for the blood of Christ.  The veil represented a sanctioned area, not available to us.  Through Christ's blood we receive forgiveness, and can talk with God as we request forgiveness for our sins.

But marriage?

Yes.  Would not Resurrection Day -- the day of Christ rising from the dead -- make a good new beginning for marriages that lie in a state of lifelessness?  Cannot the God who raised Christ from the dead raise a marriage from the depths to which it has fallen?  Cannot a God who sees us as his beloved children bring us to a place of peace and grace toward a mate who has forgotten his vows or has betrayed trust, so that we may offer that same grace? Can we take the forgiveness offered us through the death and rising of Christ, no matter what our wrongs, and move to a better place as a wife?  Can we take that forgiveness and pass it on?

As you prepare your home and family for this Easter celebration, prepare your heart for a renewal.  If you are one whose marriage has run off course or has hit a rocky place, or even if it has run aground and you see no way to repair it ... take hold of the truth of Resurrection Day.  Believe that death has lost its sting ... Christ overcame the grave to show us the path to forgiveness, new life in Him, and eternal life with God.  If physical death can lose its power over us through Christ, a lifeless marriage can certainly find new life through Him.

Call on Him.  Pray to the One who allows you direct access, no more hiding behind a veil -- it doesn't exist anymore.  Christ died for you, for your husband, for your family -- for everyone on Earth.  We need only accept that priceless gift and make the most of it.

A resurrected marriage may not happen within three days, but it can happen.  Invite God into it with you, and every day, remind yourself to meet with Him.  He will show you the way.  Through Christ's sacrifice on the cross you may follow without fear.  He did it for you.

                         
Not a "believer", a Christian, a follower of Christ?  If God has touched your heart and you have felt the little stirrings of His presence in your life, I hope that you will take the opportunity to ask His Son into your heart right now.  

If you would like to pray the prayer below, or one of your own, you will have done all that is necessary to accept the Holy Spirit's guidance in your life.  It doesn't end there -- you will want to keep learning and growing in your faith, and better understanding not only what Christ's work on the cross really means, but also more about how to follow him as you go through this life.  

Dear Lord God,
I am a sinner, and I ask your forgiveness for the wrong I have thought, said and done in my life. I believe in Jesus Christ as your only Son, born as a man and crucified, dying to pay for all our sins, and that he rose from the dead by your power.  I ask for Jesus to enter my heart and to guide me through this life on the right path.  Thank you for this gift of forgiveness and eternal life, through Christ, that only You can give.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

Please get yourself a Bible, if you don't have one, or download an on-line version or a SmartPhone application (Bible Gateway).  Finding a Bible-based church (one that teaches directly from the Bible, using verses from it as basis for sermons/messages) or a Bible Study group that you can attend where you live will help you learn and grow in your faith.  Taking time to learn and speak with other believers will make your walk in faith more fulfilling and give you a place to go with questions.

May God bless you in this new beginning -- the most important step you can take in life.  

Amy

How Surgery Healed a Marriage

As the wheels of the gurney squeaked toward the elevator that would take him to a place he did not want to go, my husband carefully pulled me near and whispered, "I love you."

Squeezing his hand and repeating the same words to him, I kissed him and sent him off to what he feared so much.  Surgery.  He needed some repair work, but did not sit firmly in the knowledge that he couldn't live "normally" without the surgery.  His physical limitations showed he needed it, but in his own mind and heart, he thought he could keep plugging along, enduring the pain.  How bad was it, really?  How much worse could it grow?

How many people go through marriage just like that?  When a marriage hurts, often the people in it prefer to remain in a state of suffering rather than approach someone to help them find healing.  No one wants to be a patient.  Such an admission equates, in many minds, to weakness.

Must. Not. Show. Weakness. EVER.

This was my husband and me.  Two stubborn first-borns battling it out on opposite sides of a marriage, each believing the other should "see it my way" and work harder to make everything right and good for ME.  We ignored the fact that a pair of "me's" made this marriage.  Each of us focused on one.  The wrong one.  As our marital health declined, we sought sources of escape or substitution, and remained in a decline until one of us managed to make a call to God, the Great Physician.  I believe His qualifications in that practice cover all types of healing, not only the physical.

In that hospital hallway, hearing "I love you" from the man on the gurney felt awkward.  He hadn't said those words to me in a while, completely convinced he didn't feel them because we didn't make the gestures of love that require time and effort.  Marriage is work, after all.  Having followed the easy drift apart throughout many years of marriage, creating the distance that many couples never notice until they feel it's too late, he felt sure that our marriage would end.

He came to this conclusion at about the same time his doctor suggested that surgery would really help.  Two horrible choices coming to him at exactly the same time.

What to do?

God knew, and didn't waste any time getting the scalpel and sutures ready for action.  He knew our past scars and our current wounds, he knew our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual make-up -- those four things must exist for success in marriage.  One or two of the four malfunctioning, misfiring or comatose ensure failure in marriage.

God placed this need for surgery at exactly the right time.  Knowing these four capacities in each of us, He knew which one of us needed what kind of repair and set everything up to start moving in varying directions, all planned to come out at this very time.  For His purpose.

Those plans began months and probably years prior to this day.  Our drifting in different directions had separated us from the ability to care deeply because we took care to manage outside responsibilities and not the most important inside responsibility, our marriage.  We focused harder on saving ourselves from the other person's inadequacy at fulfilling needs and wants and stopped focusing at all on acts of love.  We stopped doing the little things.

We complained silently as well as aloud.  We had a Cold War as well as heated arguments.  We suffered at the words and inaction of the other person, as well as felt vindicated when the other showed any hints of suffering.  Anger bubbled just below the surface most of the time.  Anger comes from misunderstanding, poor communication, and also from some misgivings about one's own part in the misery ... and avoiding the acceptance of that responsibility.

The alternate routes each of us took allowed God to work with us in specific ways, in different "zones" of our minds and hearts.  While I zeroed in on volunteering and keeping busy with children's activities, God began letting me see the time and energy I invested and what that investment provided our family and marriage.  He gave me a complete disinterest in any activities outside our home.  I wondered what had gotten into me.  Clearly, now that I can see ... God had gotten into me.  He meant business, and he wanted me to choose the right activity, by His standards.

We can be doing good, wonderful, honorable, helpful things in life and still be sinning. Even positive activities can take away from what God has in mind for us. Our own sense of keeping busy warps our sense of right and necessary.  God has a way of telling us "no".  Lack of ambition in outside activities was my "no."  He took all energy from me in those things.  All of it.  Not a scrap remained.  

My husband pointed himself in the direction of work, social media and an addictive secret life.  God battled with him the way I envision Him wrestling with Jacob.  Physical ailments prevailed in making him stop and make changes he would not have made on his own.  He struggled in his mind to keep all of his activities in check.  God wrestled with him there, too, and continued for quite some time to separate his fact from fiction, His Truths from worldly lies.

We had no idea at the time that these things were happening and that God had them all in His control in such detail.  No words can describe the amazing transformations that occurred in very little time.

Back at the hospital, several hours after I left my husband in the care of medical professionals, I had him in my care.  As he emerged from the fog of anesthesia and pain medications, he found himself at the mercy of those around him, unable to move independently for anything.  At my mercy, which he felt unsure of receiving.

We had spotty care from the staff at the hospital during my husband's stay.  I had God-given means for me to do the care-giving.  For four days, I lived in the same room, refilling ice packs, requesting medicine doses on time, adjusting body position for comfort, moving pillows, handling meals and assisting in physical therapy.  After four nights of sleep deprivation for both of us, the doctor sent us home, and for many weeks, the same care regimen continued.

The physical healing happened slowly and in the context of the surgical repair and its special needs.  In the meantime, faster and more direct in His work, God gave my husband mental, emotional and spiritual care, concentrated and practical.  He gave him exercises in the form of learning to depend fully on me and in letting his fear of losing control of situations relax.  He prescribed total rest from the outside world, which we accepted without question.  It allowed us to talk and listen effectively, and to tune in to each other in ways we had never experienced in our marriage prior to this healing time.  He promoted emotional and spiritual healing in the form of our entertainment choices and in the timeframe (Christmas Season), giving us opportunities to share our thoughts and feelings on varied subjects.

Strange as it may sound, this surgery provided a second honeymoon at a time when we believed an impasse existed, that nothing could change the direction of our relationship and turn it away from destruction.  We felt God's presence and see it more clearly in the rearview mirror as time goes forward.

God gave us the blessing of time.  Time does heal wounds, but not in the manner in which most of us understand that old adage.  Time heals wounds when people take the time to learn to communicate in better ways.  Time heals when we spend it together on activities that unite us and make memories to share, rather than squander it for ourselves on selfish activity.  Time heals when we manage it to the best of our ability and not fritter it away without discussing our options.  Time heals when we form bonds within it, using purposeful activities, communication and chance to learn about one another to make those bonds stronger.

Yes, surgery did play a central role in healing our marriage.  Only one of us experienced a physical change, but God used that opportunity to unite us in all the ways we had divided when left to our own selfish devices.

 The best news in any marriage illness is that the Doctor is always in ... He makes house calls and knows your history ... as well as your future.

How to Share Feelings in Your Marriage

In yesterday's post, sharing feelings because doing so makes marriage better/stronger/great/rock took on the main thrust.

But how?  If you have felt unable to share feelings for a long time, how do you start now?  I confess, I didn't realize I wasn't sharing my feelings with my husband for a long time.  Once I had my eyes opened to that (thank you, God), I knew why in an instant:  sharing my feelings exposed me.  It made me open, vulnerable and sometimes raw.  It felt humbling sometimes and humiliating other times.  It made me ... uncomfortable.

A principal I used to work for in an elementary school years ago explained communication blocks like this:  When a person has been burned once by a person by means of having her words or feelings crushed, she will more than likely second-guess any future attempts at sharing.  Slowly, slowly, slowly, she will stop sharing at all, except for necessary conversation.  The worst part -- she won't even notice that she has sealed herself inside a cocoon, dissociating herself for her own protection."

In a nutshell, that means, "Once burned, twice shy."

So, how do you do it?  How do you share your innermost self when you don't feel safe or accepted?  What about just feeling out of practice?  How do you share the most vulnerable hopes, fears, joys and sorrows?  How do you present your feelings without fear of having them trampled or kicked aside?  How will you avoid having your feelings judged?  How will you manage to come at the end feeling like you want to take that ride again soon?



The first step comes by admitting you have the problem in the first place -- the need to have your feelings heard by your husband.  If you have held back your feelings for months or years due to regular attacks on them, you may have successfully suppressed those urges to talk, but the feelings remain.  They don't evaporate just by being left in a dry environment.  They can annoy you from the inside leaving you feeling more resentful and hostile toward the man you married.  You drop hints that come out as hurtful jabs.  You speak with small indications that you have more in store, but you pull a bait-and-switch, talking on a different subject and making the man more confused.  In protecting yourself, you injure him.  When you injure him, he increases his distance.  Worse, you have a deep need to vent, and any person with a willing ear will do.  

Feelings in a loving relationship, when not shared, build invisible walls of unknown material -- neither spouse knows what the other feels because anger usually covers it -- outbursts, dropped like bombs, make too much distraction and cover the real issue with sheer volume of noise and harsh feeling.  The anger covers sadness and loneliness, protecting the individual's dignity, yet in very undignified ways.

Feelings must come out with the use of caution, because feelings are fickle and situational.  They are not fact, nor are they fiction.  They often are reactions, or long-held beliefs that people hold onto for comfort, even if they are negative.  Feelings a person shares must receive gentle handling once exposed in careful, constructive conversation.  It begins as a big job, but gets easier with practice and willingness to learn and listen.

And so, how to do it?

1.  Identify what you feel.  I do not always have that easy a time at this.  Women usually talk it out, and that's me to a T.  I have to feel, then think and analyze and determine where the stem leads in order to get to the root.  My husband is the instant-identify type, the Sherlock Holmes of identifying feelings -- able to detail every aspect of who, what, when, where and why.

2.  Hash it out with God before you deliver the information to your spouse.  God makes a great practice audience, and will provide the guidance you need in everything else.  If you're having trouble with identifying what you feel, go to God first.  He makes a great advisor at every turn.

 3.  Time it well/make an appointment.  When you have the feeling identified, stop and think if "right now" works or if another time works better.  If your mate has just arrived home from work, some time to decompress beforehand will help immensely.  A tired, stressed listener -- especially if the feelings involve him -- does not do well with discussing volatile feelings.  I have been the Queen of Poor Timing, so I can attest to the importance of this one.  Making an appointment with him will give him a heads-up, too.  Simply ask, "When would be a good time to talk with you about a feeling I have to share with you ... for some input?"  He's going to wonder, but wouldn't you?  It's a place to start.

4.  Location, location, location.  The place in which you share feelings can make or break the delivery.  In the middle of a social gathering?  With the kids nearby?  Huh-uh.  Any location that puts the speaker or listener into a risk-taking frame of mind will impede your success.  Privacy matters.

5.  Sandwich it.  Start with points of praise to him, even thanking him for making this time for you.  Transition into talk about the issue next -- the meat of your conversation.  Follow up with praise and thanks for his hearing you and working with you.  Beginning and ending with obvious positives make the real issue easier to manage for both spouses.

6.  Use the "I feel ... " approach.   No blaming language.  Own your feelings in this way, " I feel lonely in the evenings when you watch television until bedtime.  I know you're tired and want to relax.  I find something to do, and that's okay.  I would really like to spend more time with you and get closer to you.  Will you help me figure this out?  I appreciate your help." Proactive, not blaming.  Conversation generating, not crushing.  Give it a shot.  It does make an impressive difference!

7.  No absolutes allowed.  "You always watch television."  "You never help with the kids."  Them's fightin' words, girlie.  Revamp your vocabulary -- you want cooperation, not a clash.  Nothing sets off a husband like an absolute, at least in my experience.  These are the red flags for men in any discussion.

8.  Stick to facts.  Don't add conjecture.  Feelings can bring uneasiness for both the speaker and listener (when the listener feels responsible, or suspects responsibility for causing whatever feelings exist).  Try to tell why you feel the way you do, and don't allow further feelings to cover the facts.  The example in #6 is direct and asking for cooperation.  Adding, "You like to sit here all night doing nothing and you never pay any attention to me in the evenings," might feel true, but you are probably wrong.  Not to mention, you have just offended him by telling him what he thinks and adding an absolute.  Double-whammy.

Basic conversational etiquette always applies, so tone of voice, body language, facial expression (no eye rolling), and any other niceties will make your conversation on a tough topic flow more smoothly.

The first time out will definitely bring a new learning experience for you.  The most important thing to remember is to surround the conversation in prayer.  After that, remember that you can say, "Let's stop, please.  We aren't going in the right direction, and neither of us want an argument.  Let's go back to ____" and then do it.  You're learning.  You will always be learning, and this will get easier.

Our first few trots around the track felt more grueling than I hoped, but within seconds -- literally seconds of the end of the conversation, I felt bursts of hope in my heart.  I shared them with  my husband, explaining that the stumbling we did and then backtracking to smooth those spots, showed me how much we CAN do together.

As time and more talk went along, we learned from the last time how to improve this time, and had suggestions for the next time ... we had plans.  And we shared our feelings on how a conversation went.

Sharing our feelings with each other became very natural.  Now, we do it often and almost anywhere.  Depending on the topic, it can be with an audience, too -- you know when you get there what is right and what isn't.

Don't give up before you start and don't quit once you meet a roadblock or a rocky spot.  Put God first in the whole thing, talking it out first with him, and then thanking him for the progress you have made, and the hope you have for the future.

He has great hope for you, too.  Cling to it.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  

~~Jeremiah 29:11

Related articles:

Bridging the Communication Gap with Your Husband
Communication:  Chick Flick Versus Action Movie
How to Talk so He Will Listen, How to Listen so He Will Talk:  Deciphering Husbands
Ladies Before Gentlemen:  Making Marriage Changes
Think Before You ... 

Share Those Feelings ... Ante Up!

Everyone has feelings he doesn't share.

The reasons for keeping mum vary.  Sometimes, I don't want to hurt someone else's feelings by sharing mine, especially if I believe they sit at odds and might cause more harm than good.  I might keep silent in order to avoid seeming selfish if my feelings have leaning toward something I want.  I can clam up because I think a listener may misconstrue my meaning and I hate to have to explain a difficult issue one second longer than necessary.  I will remain silent if I believe my feelings may be used against me.

I try for a Poker Face -- hiding my unsure feelings -- and usually fail.  Thank God, my husband can read me when my feelings lie at stake.  He is far better at poker than I am, but my bids come more easily.  I don't often see women playing poker in those high-stakes "professional" games, do you?  God made women transparent for so many good reasons.  Don't hedge your bets, ladies.  Ante up.  Go for the win, because in the marriage game, you both win.  If any other outcome exists, you're not playing by the Right rules.  

In marriage, when one of us doesn't share feelings out loud, the other spouse's radar begins to hum.  We try to read each other like players in a poker game.  One of us wears emotions around on facial expressions, in a tone of voice, in the acting out of attitudes, or just below the surface and ready to bubble up at any time with greater force than needed.  My husband sometimes hides his emotional cards.  So do I.  And, we hide them for all the "right" reasons already noted.  

In our marriages, poker faces worn to hide feelings provide deception for the owner's own reasons of self-protection.  Gol-ly.  Deception means lying.  Hiding our emotions means lying to a spouse.  Now that we have that covered, let's put a huge effort in at not doing that anymore, 'kay?  It happens easily, it unhappens a little harder.  God hates lying.  That says more than anything.

No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes. ~~Psalm 101:7

Share the cards.  Stop hiding them, looking up furtively through your eyebrows, hoping to keep your expression or body language from giving away your hand.  You will both win if you share. 

Everyone who enters a marriage covenant needs to increase his "bids" on sharing feelings.  A terrific marriage makes a great "win", doesn't it?  Who doesn't want that prize?   Like some poker games, marriage stakes run high.  They mean so much to each person, and even small missteps can unseat the best players.  Poker faces and bluffs fool people.

In marriage, we're not out to confound or disconnect.  We're here to find and to connect.

We place bids in the pot by putting our feelings out there and then watching for how our spouse handles what we've offered.  In marriage poker, we play to win for both players.  When one of us has more in the center of the table the other has the sense to handle it with maturity and value what lies there ... out in the open ... offered in trust.   

In a marriage relationship, the more we bid the more we win.   How we play matters, and keeping our thoughts focused on the prize at stake makes the game not only more fulfilling, but more purposeful than any other human effort under God.

You're Being Watched!

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You're being watched!

We do live in a world of almost constant surveillance, from department store security cameras to on-line cookies and a varied assembly of trackers.

Do you know you have other watchers even more closely tuned in to you?  More targeted than an a sniper on eBay, you have watchers.  Serious watchers.

You live in the world.  You have an audience.  You may own the loyalty of people without even marketing yourself.  You may receive sub par reviews, in the bargain.  You have the attention of dozens, maybe hundreds.  You have a word-of-mouth relevance that reflects your actions, words, appearance and perceived attitude.  You have an audience for your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual self.  You make others take notice.

You have real-life followers of your life, and that sounds pretty big.  It shouldn't make you paranoid.  It happens to all of us.  Every single person who walks this earth has someone watching at some time ... any time.

Everything you do sits under a microscope at some point, and under a telescope at others.  You can't do or say anything without the notice of someone, whether he lives in your house with you (husband, children, extended family) or if he sees you once at a diner off the highway in Albuquerque.  Unnerving, isn't it?  Makes you think twice about everything you do ... and it should. 

  Even when you're alone, you're being watched.  God sees, remember?  We need to always remember His presence, and if we do, none of the rest of the watching will matter.  If we take faith and the Word to heart and live it, no one will have a bone to pick, and ax to grind or a judgment to pass.

Ever-present, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful -- knowing what you're doing, thinking, saying and dreaming without you even remembering about Him much of the time -- that's God.  That "think twice" thing about everything you attempt comes out again for a Holy audience of One.  He knows, sees, hears, and can change the course of your life in a heartbeat.

Earth inhabitant-wise, you represent an example of daily living, of work ethic, of wifely respect and caring, of motherly instinct and guidance, of human frailty and strength, and of spiritual grace and perseverance.

Some watchers look closely at your individuality, hoping to pattern your speech or your fashion sense or your public personality. Some of them peer at your role as a mother, abilities in child rearing and capabilities they perceive in your management of your children. Others may seek to imitate your winning ways in the workplace, from coworker connections to seeking to emulate your client management.  Your talent draws those watchers to lean in and look harder.

And if you're married, well, that's a whole new realm to watch.  As a "married", you find yourself catapulted into an automatic role model slot for people you know -- and an even greater number of  people you don't know.  You are a Watched Wife, like it or not!

Your role as a married woman living in the world marks you.  Some people want to see you succeed and overwhelm your corner of the world with that success.  Others want to see you taken down, especially if their marriage world has crumbled or has begun to suffer cracks in the mortar.  Misery loves company.  Some stand in the middle of the road, looking on your life as a soap opera and hoping for some drama to liven up their day.

If you have children, you might recognize that watchful attitude and catch yourself saying words like behave, be good, do what's right, do as you should or make us proud.  I have even quipped, "Remember, _______ is watching!"  Insert Santa, Grandma, significant adult, or God in that space and set them loose.  Children usually despise this.  They carry this watchfulness with them, full of pressure and child-sized stress.  It's called expectation.  It follows us all our days, in some form or another.

Some of the watching we receive from others holds expectation; your success or failure, your next move, how you handle yourself and everything around you in any situation.  Everything we do holds a measure of expectation.  If not, a good-sized group of us wouldn't do very much.  We need a little watching, a little expectation in our lives.  It gives us a goal and some worth.  Someone else needs something and we will supply it.

Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. ~~ 1 Timothy 4:12

Knowing that eyes rest on you for many reasons, most of which you will never know, carries some heavy responsibility.  Knowing that even one person keeps an eye on you as an example for living should cause you to measure your steps, your words, your actions and your thoughts more carefully.  Those with children know this, but sometimes forget until the children play back our less-than-stellar antics in perpetual repeat mode.  They watch our every move and act as our greatest imitators.  When they embarrass us, it's usually "us" we're seeing come out in their small selves.  They're there in living color to show us we aren't perfect.  Sure, we can hush them, but their mimicking of us tells us we need some work.

Our watchers look at our exterior, but they do observe the whole -- what we show out in the world.  Should they wonder, "If she does this in public, what worse things does she do at home?"  If you're hashing out your husband's sins to your girlfriends, or chastising him at a Bible study (!), what kind of wife are you?  You provide a snapshot of your life in everything you do.  As a wife, mother, human, you appear as a puzzle to people, whether you're all put-together or if you have a couple of pieces missing.  How you present yourself, live out your faith and wife roles -- how you represent God, your husband, and yourself, that people watch.

So, what will these Wife Watchers see?  Most likely, they will look for:

• how you speak, act and give of yourself/time/attention to(ward) your husband 
• how you handle yourself when your husband isn't near    
• what hurdles you face in your marriage and how you manage them
• where you tend to slip up and if you keep slipping in the same place all the time
• whether you face your failures with a smile or with a sneer
• how you judge or accept your husband's differences
• whether you act and speak respectfully or abrasively ... like the help-meet or the head honcho
• how you place blame or accept responsibility in all aspects of life
• what ways of serving your husband you exhibit, and whether you do them joyfully or not
• how much you complain
• how many compliments you offer husband-wise, and how gracious you are all-around
• whether you practice what you preach
• how much God's Word plays out in your reality
• honesty and truth

After each of these points, fill in an imaginary blank with what your Wife Watchers will see.  If they look for complaining, will they find grace and forgiveness instead?  If they look for how you accept failure, will they see how you learn from it and/or your diligence in working harder?  In looking for honesty and truth, will they find a deceitful, truth-altering woman, instead?

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.  ~~Matthew 5:16

God makes the friendliest, most helpful, nurturing and guiding watcher you could hope to have.  It's the others you have to really consider, and how your "Wife Status" shines the Light of Truth.  You, simply by living and being, instruct others.

Don't hear me saying that you have the responsibility to work yourself silly toward achieving perfection because others learn from you.  Do hear me say that looking at yourself with a more critical eye, knowing what God created you to be and to do, and walking along the path he intends for you does matter.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children.  ~~Ephesians 5:1

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Running Spouses and How to Catch Them

Running spouses don't learn to fix what is broken or heal wounds repeatedly laid bare, turning to flee before understanding that they are carriers.

While that may sound confusing, breaking it down in smaller parts sheds light on the very grey areas of marriage failure, and repeat marriage failure.

The nutshell, first.  Men and women must learn about marriage and how it works so they do not repeat the same attitudes, actions, comments and ideas that put them in harms way in the first place.

Now, for the break-down:

Running spouses.  A husband or wife who jumps and runs from trouble in marriage.  He may go only as far as the other side of the room, but the behavior creates distance that doesn't narrow without working together to make it happen.  The running spouse threatens to leave when arguments repeat.  The running spouse threatens to leave when he doesn't get his way, when the other spouse doesn't understand/can't translate his ravings and demands.  The running spouse usually has some anger issues brought by inability to control situations.  Running away is quicker, easier and, in his mind, effective.

You have to stop the running and also stop the threat of running.  This will require some discussion, and it's a great idea to ask, "Why do you feel like leaving?"  Be prepared for talking through whatever answers you receive -- the truth is in there somewhere, and by talking it out, you and your spouse will find it.  The main thing is to stop the desire to flee and learn to face the issues that divide you.  You can work on any issue -- but not when one of you is on the other side of the house or the town.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

James 1:2-3

Fix what is broken.  If you have repeat arguments, feel that you walk on eggshells most of the time so as not to upset your husband, and feel more discontentment than contentment, you have something broken.  The most common marital dysfunction is communication.

I haven't read a marriage "fixer-upper" book yet that hasn't had a huge portion dedicated to communication.  Communication runs the show because everything we do, think, act and say has to do with how we "perform" it -- verbal, nonverbal and attitude status all hinge on communication.  You communicate through your eyes, your body language, your tone of voice and your words.  You communicate, also, by how you listen.

So, what to do? Improve listening skills -- focus on understanding the speaker
in small amounts,
on only ONE ISSUE at a time.

Next, improve speaking skills.  Speak to be understood.  Don't accuse, don't degrade, don't blame and don't show anger as much as possible (when you do, agree to take a break, calm down, start again).  Stick to the facts.  You will want to use the "I feel ____" way of speaking and practice it often.  This means to make every effort to leave out the words, "You make me feel ______," and replace them with,
"I feel unloved/like I don't matter/frustrated/angry/as if I can't connect with you when you _______, and I want to work on that with you." Speak to show that you care and that you want to change your marriage for the better.

One spouse or the other may bring up an issue about once a week, which Dr. Gary Chapman structures well in his book, "Now You're Speaking My Language".  This book saved our floundering communication at our house.  Let it be the lifeboat in yours, too.

Heal wounds repeated laid bare.  When spouses avoid arguing simply to avoid stressful experiences, they miss the opportunity to find healing grow intimacy that comes through working toward understanding and resolution. Avoidance allows difficulties to mount, thereby increasing feelings of failure, irritation, distrust and doubt. Old wounds remain untended.  Wounds can't heal without fresh air, and that means letting them out -- addressing them.  Hard?  Yes!  Hurtful?  You bet!  The first time out won't necessarily feel easy or great, but when you really begin to listen, speak and bring out what hurts so your spouse can help you heal, you will find joy, peace and hope.

Repeatedly opening old wounds comes from avoidance. The arguments repeat themselves, the denials and inability to hear over one's own ideas churning in his mind don't allow successful discussion. Wars of words repeat. Neither party feels heard. These things help to build resentment.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;  II Corinthians 4:8-9

Resentment is a large hurt that continues to build until we look at each brick that has built the wall.  It's made up of a hundred little things that only the person who built it knows.  The other spouse may not even remember inflicting the hurt, and more often than not, does not realize he did any hurting at all.  The resentment feels like a protective barrier to many spouses, but in reality, it brings only repeated hurt.  Listen, talk, and break down the wall to get rid of that huge thing you keep banging your head on every time you argue!

Turning to flee.  The fact that a couple has to stop the running or the threat of running already has a good mention here.  It bears repeating, though, in that by having that "easy out", the runner makes it harder and harder for the non-running spouse to have any trust or belief that the marriage can improve.  Hearing the words ,"I have to get out of here," leads the listener to think that she has no way to improve the situation.  Why bother trying if all he ever does is throw up his hands in disgust and run away?

Rerun this one.  Don't run.  Don't allow the idea to enter your mind, your attitude, or your conversation.  Eliminate it now.  Learn to confront the troubles, not the person.  Stick to the facts of the matter.  Don't accuse, don't blame.  Listen and speak effectively.  Take the time to relearn how to communicate.  You have to be present to do this.

The only thing to run from is the desire to run!

So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22

Understanding that they (we) are carriers.  We all understand how illness moves between people.  One person coughs, germs fly through the air, others catch those germs and may pass them to still more people.  Sometimes, people can be "carriers" of illness or disease, like Typhoid Mary, and not realize they're the start of all the trouble, or at least a very likely contributing factor.  Many spouses fall onto the Typhoid Mary side of the line.

When a spouse has not detected his or her bad habits in marriage, or has not owned up to failings that a husband or wife may recognize -- not the small, irksome quirks, but the unexamined issues that cause struggle, poor communication and building of resentment -- the marriage relationship will not improve and heal well or at all.  Should the running never stop and turn to divorce, chances that a future relationship will begin to follow the same path -- more running and other issues -- seems inevitable.

A dear friend of mine, struggling with a running husband, asked me recently, "If my marriage ends, how will I ever have a new relationship if my husband won't tell me what it is I do that bothers him so much?"

This is the question that should end any need to discuss this further.  If spouses don't talk about important issues that arise in their marriage, how will they learn about themselves?  Self-assessment goes a long way, but a husband knows a wife in ways no one else does, and likewise does a wife know her husband.

In every one of these areas of change, the first step remains PRAYER.  If you don't bring God into the equation, you will lean on human abilities which, at best, offer frailty and confusion when things don't go as you hope.  Pray, pray, pray and pray again.  Never stop praying for your marriage, your spouse, your family, your daily decisions and your very existence.  Want to run?  PRAY.  Want to give up?  Pray.  Feel the need to blame or accuse?  Pray.  It works.

Stop the running from your marriage needs ... cold turkey.  Start building communication in small ways and grow it every day.  Make time to learn about yourself through the eyes of your spouse.  Self-assess, work toward better listening and speaking.  Read, learn and try new avenues to improve your relationship.  Godly avenues.  Avoid the world's suggestions to focus on yourself.  The Bible teaches us to put ourselves last ... it's the rule in everything, and it works.

The only running anyone should do in marriage requires good, comfortable running shoes.  First things first.  Get in shape in your marriage -- it comes first.  Always.

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Dare to be Different

Many mentalities, or ways of thinking, color our world.  The way a person thinks determines not only her outlook on life, but also her relationship to other people and her perception of self.  A dictionary definition of mentality reads:

Noun The characteristic attitude of mind or way of thinking of a person or group: "the yuppie mentality of the eighties". The capacity for intelligent thought.

Some of the common types -- pack mentality, herd or mob mentalities, crab mentality, bandwagon mentality,  victim mentality and even regional or country of origin mentality contribute to a way of thinking based on common methods, dispositions, economics and values.

Have you considered wife mentality?  Too many specific descriptions of a wife's way of thinking make outlining a wifely role harder to accomplish.  However, as wives, we exhibit the same descriptors as the mentalities noted above, and more.

A wife may see marriage through herd or mob thinking, following family and social patterns of a wife's role and not carving her own niche or taking a divergent path to better meet the needs of her specific relationship.  Or, a wife may see through the eyes of a pack member, organizing a support system that backs self against prey (husband/power), working to stay viable and strong as if her survival depends on her position.  A wife may act as a crab, pulling down a husband's self-esteem and value to rebel against his success at work, at home or in social circles in effort to keep him "in his place".

A wife on a bandwagon looks to another human model of success based on what she sees and hears; a surface-level, superficial assessment of success.  She attempts to copy/follow this model, hoping to achieve the level of success she detects on the surface, or from what the role model encourages or advertises.  On the bandwagon, wifehood looks like a brand that someone else sells.  The wife tries, buys and gives her loyalty based on overblown successes and the rallying cry of others on the same wagon.  Bandwagons do not promote independent thinking, relying on marketing and advertising to woo "members". 

A wife may think as a victim (**please know that anyone who falls victim to domestic abuse needs help and support by outside sources and by prayer.  The following description does not refer to that very real, involuntary situation).  This learned behavior comes in the form of a self-described and self-motivated "perpetual sufferer". This kind of wife thrives on sympathy for her marital predicament as she illustrates it, willing to describe her suffering (complaints, disappointment, anger, accusations/blame) in often dramatic detail. This wife speaks ill of her husband in his absence and berates, complains about, and nags him on multiple issues without many breaks in the diatribe.

Mentalities formed by culture can go along with any of the other types at the same time. Based on local, regional and national influences, these ways of thinking unite cultures and create social norms. Women can feel part of a sisterhood among other women, and can share cultural bonds specific to their environment. Positive and negative influences intertwine and create a fabric for that culture. Women may feel safe when shrouded in that fabric within that culture.

Do you notice one missing thread?  God.  Not one of these ways of thinking considers God's word, or hints at any biblical links in the chains that bind people to these ways of thinking.

I have taken on several of these mentalities at one time or another.  I held ideals prior to marrying and in our early years of marriage, that followed the herd.  I molded to family patterns and clung to them for familiarity, not understanding that marriage needs individual adjustment, and maybe (gasp) leaving tradition behind.   I left out God, except for about a 20-minute span at the altar.  Later, I took up with the crab way of thinking as I entered a season of unemployment and lack of support structures after moving to a new area.  When my husband began building relationships at work and in volunteer activities, I spent more energy trying to keep him at my level as I struggled with loneliness and feeling inferior (both unspoken).  And, I left out God.  I think I have jumped on a bandwagon here and there, in bits and pieces.  I'm not a joiner.   Nonconforming appeals to me.  Occasionally, a positive role model will appear and I feel enthusiasm building ... the desire to get me what she has.  Fortunately, God helps me discern where I should spend my time and energy when it comes to role models.  I have learned to observe, question and look for truth above all, and not fall for package deals.  I didn't bring God into those phases, either. 

In a cultural sense, I have a place in the world as an American Wife.  I think that this mentality seeks to have/do/be everything with style and a cucumber-cool aura.  I used to juggle activities and spin multiple plates, never allowing anything to hit the ground on my watch.  The American Wife has it all together and keeps the family schedule -- the one she has crafted -- running smoothly.  She signs the kids up for sports, lessons and Scout meetings and volunteers every time someone puts out a sign-up list.  She probably works full time, too, and has little energy at the end of the day to do more than few loads of laundry and get kids to bed with some time to spare to unwind.  She often puts her marriage last, if she even thinks about it as a living element of her life, in need of nurturing, growing and maintenance.  God doesn't have a standing invitation here, either.

How we think about our role as a wife matters.  No mentality fits any of us from the start -- we take them on only when we have decided to cope in a difficult situation or when we have taken the lead in our marriage and family. 

We need to find God's direction and become a Christian Wife.  We really do need to dare to be different.  Leave the herd, abandon the pack, swim away from the other crabs, jump off the bandwagon, end the complaining, and expand cultural norms by a God-sized measure.  Every one of us needs to find the pulse of our marriage and learn how little or how much we put toward its health and growth.  A marriage showing vigorous growth and excellent health has room to improve.  If your marriage has entered a coma-like state, just existing without quality of life, you have much more work to do, but you have to start somewhere.  You may be in the middle, finding a few issues to face, but not really facing them.  Face them -- start small, but face them.

None of the mentalities outlined here will ever help.  They may put a bandage over the wound, or take away a little of the ache, but they will never offer permanent relief and may, in fact, cause new symptoms of difficulty or failure.  They're human fixes and cause chaos in some form, usually appearing in the form of the human guinea pigs called "husband" and "children".  Human fixes work for a while, then exhaust themselves or twist into something different as we age, change and continue to learn. 

Then, there's God.  The never-changing, all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present Creator of All. A God-focused mentality allows for oneness, depth, shared purpose, constance, intimacy, peace and growth as a couple.  God created marriage and stated from the start how it should work.  Man leaves his parents to enter life with his wife by his side.  Woman brings her strengths to meet his and support him as he leads her and the family they build together.  They become one flesh by sharing all of life together:  the emotional, the physical, the spiritual and the mental. 

Joining man-made groups that encourage coping, dominance or independence ensures defeat or short-lived success in marriage. Join something strong and permanent. Latch onto something that will carry you through every hill and valley of your marriage relationship, and will never leave you or forsake you. 

Take hold of faith in God, that he has all you need to bring your marriage to the right place.  The time to get there may not suit your taste exactly, but with prayer, study, and focus on God's plan for marriage, you will find the path, and when you do, the alternatives will turn to the dust they really are and sift away ... and the Truth will really set you free.

Believe it.  Thousands of marriages have found the way, and not one of them got there by thinking the way the "rest of the world" does!

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