Do you want to see a movie this weekend?
This question comes up just about every week at our house, and it means firing up the DVD player and snuggling on the couch to watch a pre-owned DVD (aka "we already own it") after the kids have hit the sack for the night.
If I pick, my husband figures "chick flick". A girl movie. A heart-rending (sappy) tale of a person facing obstacles and overcoming them, or romance (also sappy); lots of wooing, dialogue riddled with figurative speech and heart-melting lines (spoken by the leading man, of course). I will cry, and my husband jokingly/lovingly passes a box of tissues. Hollywood-ized life graces the screen, either from our 50 States or from various destinations around the world. Music enhances the story line, sometimes foreshadowing events, sometimes coinciding with characters' states of mind. Lots of weaving of lives and deeper meanings to unravel as we fall in love with love and leading roles. Again.
If My Dear Man chooses the evening's film, chances are it will involve firearms of several varieties, possibly tanks, robots, or other cold metal, and have female characters who either play equally tough alongside the male actors or damsels in distress. Conquest and heroism fill the screen from beginning to end. No time for building characters and background scope, or tracing family connections and getting to know anyone. Many characters don't live long enough for that. Musical scores add to the artillery fire, and we usually have to turn down the volume. My guess is that because the music plays so loudly the characters have to shout? Or vice versa? Yes, I jest. It's just unusually l-o-u-d.
Interestingly, our movie selection odyssey mirrors our communication styles. Minus the soundtrack.
When I have something to tell, I explain background, illustrate characters and their personalities, interweave plots, draw parallels and webs to get to a point -- the end, or so he hopes. He trips on the massive script I provide, unable to tell the difference between the leading character and extras during my explanation of events that lead up to the conclusion. During my monologue, you don't have to have been there because I will illustrate every bit of the experience in minute detail. I don't cut to the chase well. And well ... he's a man. They're all about the action and just getting down to business. Girls like the gloss. Girls also interject, offering insights and sharing similarities, as well as give encouragement and sympathy or empathy. My husband listens, but does not interject. He waits until the end of the story, not always patiently. Then he responds to each point, which sometimes feels like needles in haystack to him.
He, as you probably already know, when he has something to share he lays out the important information, just enough to carry out the plan, fix the problem or win the battle. He shows excitement in describing some of the action along the way in great detail (special effects trip his trigger), but in my mind, you have to have been there to really appreciate it. I listen intently, but don't always understand the bullet list of facts without some tying together by human relationships. I try to interject or clarify, but that sounds like interruption to his male ears. The importance lies in the action as it takes place. I don't learn a lot about what people have said or about the setting, but I learn a lot about the activity and any gadgetry (tools, weapons, toys) involved. Details. Lots of them! At the end, I attempt to draw parallels or interpret and go for closure, while he waves his arms like a referee indicating "no goal!" He has shared. The end of the sharing makes the closure, like "The End" on the last page of a book.
We share one characteristic in our listening styles: neither wants to wade through the details the other includes in his part of the conversation, but we hold our own details dear and want to express them to an understanding spouse. My female brain wants connection, not cold metal and the results of it blasting a whole battalion out of a stronghold. My husband's male brain makes connections based on nuts and bolts that hold together the important parts: beginning, middle, end.
We also share a desire to know the ending. If I can tell him the end first, he listens better to the details (but don't reveal a movie ending ... that's just wrong). As for me, I want to know the ending so I can better trace the beginnings.
Confusing?
Men and women are opposite creatures with obvious but oppositional similarities. Our habits and preferences differ, our mannerisms and speech don't line up the same way and our ways of listening and speaking vary ... and don't really meet anywhere convenient.
What I've learned is this: After years of sticking to our decidedly male/female differences and carrying torches into divisive battle, we've had to learn to overcome our chick flick/action movie preferences in our conversation patterns. I did the reading and the research and ferreted out the details that matter and presented them for discussion. He took the necessary information into practice, but not to take prisoners or beat the opponent, but to work for peace.
We have each used our strengths to bridge the communication gap that often kept us far apart in understanding each other. No matter how hard I listened, sometimes I heard only the noise of the confusion and fury. No matter how hard he listened, all he could hear were the tiny details and interwoven, confusing webs of feelings overlying them.
I have made my goal to work at listing facts and providing ample detail, but not overdoing it. I focus on making my point, but connecting it with enough lifeblood that he can learn about the people and the feelings involved. He feels free to ask clarifying questions and offer viewpoints at intervals. Periodically, I stop to make sure he is on the same page and not feeling as if I have left him behind in a maze to fend for himself.
He works at providing the feelings behind the action, communicating how he sees the scene and why it holds great meaning for him so that I can listen, riveted to his telling, but also feeling connected to the story and not just a one-woman audience.
Changing how we tell each other about events of the day or about a particular need or obstacle has changed all the rest of our give-and-take. We have learned to tune in, to pause the television or turn it off, to ignore the ringing phone, and to make solid eye contact. We have learned to ask clarifying questions and to follow up the other's story with conversation that says, "I heard you and I understand. I'm ready to talk further if you like," rather than convey a message of, "Now it's my turn,"by blasting off into a monologue on a completely different topic.
Although the chick flick and the action movie don't really serve as educational tools for marriage, they do serve a great role in understanding how we prefer to send and receive information. They show how our differences play out, more or less, and provide a framework of not only our communication preferences, but our interest in sending or receiving a certain volume of information. Bits and pieces or long, interconnected strings?
Taking the time to learn about his style of talking and listening, and tuning in to your own can help you make big strides in intimacy with your husband.
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