Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering

What does "trust" mean?  Trust means to believe in someone's word completely.  Trust means knowing that whatever words a person speaks, it will remain valid; he will honor his word, come what may.  Trust means freedom from lies, the absence of deception.  Trust means ease in knowing someone, not having to bear suspicion or doubt in his actions, words or thoughts.  Trust means everything.

A solid relationship between two people cannot exist without trust.

In the Ten Ways to Love study of "Trust without Wavering," the seventh verse of I Corinthians chapter 13 speaks of the role of trust with an absolute boundary in the form of one word: always.

It always protects, 

always trusts, 

always hopes, 

always perseveres.

Nowhere in the Bible do we see commands, laws or statements that suggest modifications or meeting half way. No "sometimes", no "if/then", no "when" and certainly no "provided he does ______". God gives a strong parameter on trust when it comes to love.  Love always trusts.

Trust with your whole heart rather than just a piece of it. Trust, like faith, asks for sacrifice. We must offer up our fears, misgivings, control, and pride in order to trust. Without giving up these mainstays of self, we don't trust. We merely hold another at a safe distance, waiting cautiously for the other person to break our trust, to give us cause to doubt or to prove our misgivings right.   Mainly, we lie in wait, distrusting right from the start, when we offer this kind of behavior.

No matter where you are in your marriage right now, focus on trust.  Live in a trustworthy way yourself, and give your husband a view of what "always trusts" looks like.  Provide an environment for him that protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres, and by doing those things, you will find them coming back to you ... from him. Men who suffer from other ills of society -- addictions, deeply-hidden sins, or abuse may not fit this category.  If you have a physical or emotionally hurtful relationship, please seek appropriate help immediately.

Otherwise, protect with all your might, trust with all your heart, hope with all your mind and persevere with everything in you ... build a marriage on these strong foundations, and just feel the power of God at work.  Always!


Others in This Series:

• Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
• Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
• Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
• Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
• Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting 
• Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
• Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
• Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering 

Serious Side-Effects of Being Married to Me

What shortcomings, wrong-doing and negatives can you list about your husband?

Now, think about these:

What shortcomings do you own?
What wrongs have you done today?  This week?  This year?
What do you do that bothers your husband?
What personality traits do you portray that could use adjustment or annihilation?
What grudges do you hold?
What walls have you built between yourself and your husband?
What judgments/assumptions/misgivings do you have about your husband in any way (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional)?

Who feels easier to assess?  Which person do you know better?

In Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "Now You're Speaking My Language", as well as in his live marriage seminars, this question comes up as a though-provoking beginning to improving a marriage.

The first time I encountered the exercise, I could easily list several things about my husband that irritated me, made me angry, caused me to doubt him in several ways, and drove me farther from him.  His faults.  His sins.  His inability to please ME.

I had a terrible time coming up with anything about myself.  Sarcastic.  Stubborn.  Hmmmm ...  DONE!

After learning to look at my own long list of of serious side-effects of being married to me, I do not feel ashamed to examine my trouble spots.  I have shined the high-lumen output of God on myself (I prayed, asking God to show me where I fail and where I need to work on ME) and learned that I can face my human failings and make changes.

I thought it would hurt.  I thought I would appear weak.  I thought my husband would gloat.  I thought people would wonder why I act different and that I would feel others watching me.  I thought I would feel exposed.  I thought I would feel ineffective in my roles as wife, mother, daughter, sibling and friend.

It just so happens, I felt the reverse.  I felt healed of the nagging irritation of needing to look "perfect" in various areas of life.  I felt stronger as I proceeded, discovering bigger faith and more ability to trust God with everything.  My husband, straightaway, began leading me and our family without a hint of self-importance.  Other people began coming to me for advice in several areas of struggle -- and I hadn't said or written a word about my introspection and subsequent changes.  I felt open to the situations of others, and a great need to share my  own struggles to help them understand theirs.  I tuned into my roles in life differently -- I found I didn't have to juggle anymore, that help came through my Lord and  Savior, and by guidance of the Holy Spirit ... not through my own thoughts or desire to manage life to my own "just so" view.

What did I come up with?  Lots of female tendencies, which sounds sexist, but I'm a female, too, so bear with me as I share a few.

- dodging the truth -- this means not lying "completely", but withholding some of the truth to make something look less ... wrong?  Example:  When asked the cost of a purchase, round down from $20 to $15.  I still don't know why I ever thought this mattered.
- controlling behavior -- using the mind set that I wanted to "smooth rough spots", I managed to script conversations I wasn't part of but jumped into anyway, micromanage activities involving my husband and children working together, attempt to translate child's needs to my husband so he could "understand", and so forth.
- independent decision-making -- no problem when ordering a meal for myself or deciding what to wear today, but that wasn't my limit.  I signed children up for activities, made plans for evenings or weekends, or made purchases ... without consulting my husband at all, and sometimes telling him about these decisions at the last minute.  No joy comes from this.
- arguing to avoid facing facts -- this one is difficult to detect.  You don't know you're doing it until God helps you see, and then he makes it so obvious you have to stop ... you can't stand yourself anymore.  This kind of arguing happens when a husband says, "It really bothers me that you do _____."  When you counter-attack with a shortcoming you notice of his, you belong on this bandwagon.
- going out for coffee -- What?  Really?  Also known as "Empathizing with Other Wives in the Same Boat", this behavior happens when someone says, "Can you believe my husband did ______?" And you not only believe it, you add your own experience for everyone to hear ... and thereby judge your husband through your eyes.  This is sabotage and slander.
- devaluing my husband's needs -- I deflated my husband's needs by judging them, putting them into a self-tiered hierarchy, and then compared them to my unmet needs.  This serves in guaranteeing not only a stalemate, but accounts for about 2/3 of the Wall of Resentment built between us over the years.
- adopting a "holier than thou" view -- as the "stronger Christian", I patted myself on the back for seeing my own brand of righteousness at work, and seeing my husband's sins so clearly.  Classic "Plank and Speck" at work (Matthew 7:3).

If you can identify even one of these in your life, you still have some work to do.

I learned these behaviors over time, and I could create a timeline noting approximately when each began and the times in our marriage when they grew or shrank in intensity.  I took on some tendencies for reasons of self-preservation.  I took on others in the desire to not lose control of situations.  I took on all of them with the deep desire to make our marriage better!

Any one of these tendencies brought destructive results that continued to build with every unresolved conflict and with every scornful and self-righteous argument.  I could easily explain any of them away by applying logic in the "if-then" schematic.  If he did X, then I did Y.  The truth is, I made the choice to "do Y,"  and could have turned the whole situation around with a simple act of humility.

I did not have humility in relation to my husband.  To everyone else in the world, yes, but not for his benefit.

The side-effects to being married to me in the days before I began taking on these behaviors were encouragement, support, gently-offered wisdom, refuge from the world, acceptance, honor, respect, easily-shown love, openness, truth, and humility. These characteristics own the opposite effects of the bold list above.

Which list of side-effects look better on you?  Which do you want to see reflected from your husband?

You want side-effects as you work at your marriage.  You want the ones that seriously, without a shadow of a doubt, make your marriage strong and better than you ever could have imagined.  Loving actions trickle down, my friend.  When you've turned the corner to working WITH your husband (dual focus) instead of FOR your marriage (singular focus), you see the benefits -- no maybe, no mistake.

You do it through prayer.  You do it by looking deep into YOU.  You fix YOU so he can find his way again.  He won't find you in shadows or promises, he will find only real, fought-for changes that will show without a search party or strong light.  When you change YOU, the light shines and spreads. You can be a light in someone else's darkness.  Your husband makes a fine target audience.

"Just Do It" Valentine's Day (LINK-UP)

  

Just do it.

Surprise yourself.
If you prefer jeans and a sweatshirt, try a little harder and put on more dressy duds.
Pass on the ponytail; do your hair.
Put some make-up to good use, if you use it at all.
Think about the good things -- what made love grow.
Smile.
Pick a few of those things and repeat them.

And, as the title of this blog suggests -- go out on a limb!

The saying reads, "Go out on a limb. That is where the fruit is!"  Both in nature and in life, if you miss the opportunity to try the climb, overcome your fear and get out on the limb where the fruit actually grows, you'll miss something big.  Bountiful harvest, or any harvest at all.  Blessings, joy, contentment, success ... love.  You don't want to leave them hanging, wasted, or for someone else to enjoy, when God grew them there just for you.  He has so much in store for you, if you will only throw off the weight of your old thoughts and try on some new ones.

Make today, Valentine's Day 2013, the day you climb out on that limb and reach for the fruit.  Bless your marriage with your efforts.  Plant seeds of love today, and trust in the Gardener to work on you, to nurture and care for you as you grow toward the light.

Happy Valentine's Day!


In case you missed them, more on this love-growing thing:

Ladies Before Gentlemen:  Making Marriage Changes
Perfect Submission?
Real Marriage Done Right:  Respect and Love
Ten Ways to Love:  Give without Sparing
Your Wifely Approval Rating

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Comparison Is the Thief of Joy

"Comparison is the thief of joy," a quote attributed to Theodore Roosevelt, covers a lot of space.  Whether applied to physical shape, home, lifestyle, marriage, children, job, vacation plans or distance traveled in a faith walk, people of all ages, races and social status compare themselves to their fellow men and commence lining it all up in specific and exacting order, then measuring ... comparing.  The tools each person uses for measuring differ, but all share something: the stressful feeling stemming from our inability to measure up.

The human race seems compelled to compare everything.

Enter Valentine's Day.

My husband and I will exchange cards.  Always do.  We may each have a gift tucked away fro the other, but not always.  We "don't celebrate" Valentine's Day ... officially ... kind of ... in a way.  We don't ever miss the card exchange.
Confusing, isn't it?

 It has to do with not wanting to disappoint each other, I think.  A little dose of loving words (shared by a few thousand other couples) never hurts, and the gesture alone feels right.  We set out to card shop with the nature of our relationship in mind.  We choose a card with love in our hearts, not with pressure to perform in our brains.  Big difference!

As always, we will enjoy a home-grilled steak dinner and Red Velvet cake, and add support to the four pillars of marriage: the intellectual, the spiritual, the emotional and the physical aspects of our relationship.

Ta-dahhhh!  This completes our Valentine's Day. It serves as plenty of celebration for us, not to mention we will have leftover cake. And when anyone asks about it, I happily note it was just what we wanted. 'Cause it always is just that.

Once upon a time, I felt envious of "Valentine Propaganda" -- those tokens of love advertised as the end-all, be-all of love.   I believed the deception that a truly loving husband would cover all or most of those bases, like a Love Checklist. I ached for a bouquet of flowers at my desk and for a surprise drive to a special restaurant or ... something.  I focused my Valentine thoughts through a filter of the world's expectations and through the advertisement of what love looks like, materially.

Love does not look like flowers, candy, food or dress-up clothes.  Love does not look like lingerie or talking greeting cards.  Love looks like a million things that no one person can list, and that no one can measure.  Love, in each of our hearts, feels unique.  It reflects our individuality.  It cannot measure up to a relative's or friend's brand of it.  It doesn't match the advertisement for a local jewelry store or candy shop.

Love looks like your first date, your first kiss, every date you shared before you engaged for marriage.  Love looks like your wedding day full of hope and dreams of a future together.  Love looks like arguments that you settled well, and those you didn't, but survived anyway.  Love looks like wrong turns that God brought back full circle.  Love looks like mistakes that helped you learn more about yourself and your husband.  Love looks like the circle of your husband's arms and the imprint of his kiss.  Love looks like tip-toeing by his chair when he has fallen asleep after a long day, and making sure you feed the kids early and wait to eat with him when he's late coming home from work.  Love looks like giving in on little issues and learning to cooperate on larger ones.  Love looks like tears shed out of frustration that you can't seem to understand each other, and tears again when you do finally understand.  Love looks like working it all out through the years, no matter what.

Love cannot advertise itself.  God invented it and showed it to his people all the time.  Giving is love.  Receiving gracefully is love.  Love is a great number of things that never appear in commercials prior to February 14, because no couple shares the same love, and no couple ever will.

Comparing your love and marriage to anyone or anything else will only continue to thwart any forward motion you make.  "If only ..." and "But, what about so-and-so's husband who did ..." and "I wish he would just ..." serve only to compare.  You may definitely have unmet needs, but comparing "theirs and ours" or "hers and mine" for purposes of discovering what's missing in your marriage will never help.  I guarantee that this kind of behavior will serve only to hurt and divide.

Make a deal with yourself this Valentine's Day -- that you will not think about what the day holds, or what you hope for, or what you want, or what might happen.  Take what comes, or what doesn't, and look deeply at what love really is in your heart and marriage.  Pay no attention to advertising, to what you see around town, or to friends' rehashing of the day -- focus on you and yours.

Then, make plans to continue adding to what love looks like for the two of you, every day, no matter what the box on the calendar shows.  Every day can look like Valentine's Day.


Linking up this 13th day of February with:  Wifey Wednesday, Encourage Your Spouse, What I Learned, Domestic Bliss Diaries, Works for Me Wednesday

Love Is Not What You Expect

Love: In the Beginning

Give people the task of remembering first love (the early days of relationship) and find the reward of whimsical, sentimental half-smiles and a faraway gazes. Each one of the people remembering shares a common bond: unexpectedness.  First love comes unexpectedly and develops in unexpected ways -- but just once.
More than two decades ago, I expected to take a photography class with a weekly lab lesson.  I did not expect to fall in love with the lab instructor when our eyes met across a work table.  God had other plans and had paved the way for my husband to teach that lab, which he had not expected to do.  Fate?  No.  God.

Love leads people to participate in life, behave better than they usually do, enjoy every small gesture as if it will happen only once, live in hope of a next meeting, hold the object of affection in high esteem, communicate ravenously, discover new attractions to the other person, perpetuate the positive and overlook the negative, put opinions on hold in deference to forming a closer union, and look for similarities in word, deed, emotion, spirit and thought.

In new love, we try to connect.  We forge paths toward each other.  We bring together all the similarities we can find to increase common ground.  We put energy toward bonding them.  In short frames of time, we attempt to rewire circuitry in ourselves to better match our love interest.  We give the best of ourselves without asking for anything, but most definitely, we receive a return on that investment that comes by way of the other person's behaviors and words.  These things happen, and they feel automatic.

We make changes we don't mind making.  We make changes we don't notice we make.  We change.

We expect nothing from the other person, but cling to the hope that we will continue to receive as much as we give, but have absolutely no reservations about continuing to give.  That ability feels endless.  We will never knowingly conserve it or quit giving.

And we're right.  We don't do it knowingly at all.


Love: Forward to the Now 

After years (a few, several or many) of marital bliss followed by the invasion of reality that every relationship faces, many of us spare the giving because, guess what?  We are human.  We do not have an "endless" button.  The "automatic" of first love has moved toward the "systematic" of learned behaviors -- we focus on the behaviors our spouse has learned ... those which we detest.  Some of us have quit altogether.  And whatever the case, we have done it without knowing it.

Love is not what you expect.  It is not what I expect.  It begins without expectation and without tremendous effort, but it continues only with great expectation and with tremendous effort.

The trouble begins when we focus more on the expectation -- the expectation of what the other person will do.

We focus less on the effort -- the effort we put into the relationship.

As we move through our relationship, we need to reverse those tendencies.  Focus on expecting from ourselves the loving gestures we need to unearth, dust off and begin to give freely again.  Focus on the effort we put into our everyday encounters with our spouse, and into life itself.  Love with purpose.

Love is not a feeling.  Love is a series of gestures, mostly small ones, that require thought, a bit of planning, and a positive attitude.

We see those words all over the Internet and in media of all kinds, and we think, "YES!  I want that!"

We do want that. We want to feel it.  Be the object of it.  Act as the receiver.  Yet, each of us has to die to ourselves and live for God first and then for our spouses, in giving.  Love is not what you expect.


Rewiring Expectations

The rewiring of our expectations happens with our full knowledge, we cannot wait or hope passively.  The negative changes we have grafted or redirected through years with our spouses have happened in an "unknowing" state.  Why?  Because we have learned to cope rather than to address trouble head-on as we travel the road of marriage.  When we rewire around overloaded circuits we create a more mixed-up bundle of wires and the overloads still exist.  They arc and cause breakers to flip, and we flip it back and continue on around the problem, hoping to avoid the wires that cause the problem ... but not knowing which one.

Avoid the guessing.  Don't make one more electrical connection that doesn't serve to light love between you and your husband.

• Pray for open connections.  God has the job of Master Electrician in this area.  He charges no fees and his work is perfect.  He can work miracles you have never imagined.  
• Read all the verses you can find about love.  I don't want to beat I Corinthians 13 into the ground, but for goodness' sake, it's all there in beautiful prose.  The Golden Rule is shorter, and very direct -- do to others (your husband) in the way you would have others do to you.  Treat him the way you want to be treated.  
• Exchange some "Me Time" in favor of "We Time" -- make plans to take care of yourselves as a couple.  Work and play together, plan, hope, dream and expect good things.  We all need to take time to care for ourselves and to have a break once in a while, but balance holds the key here.
• Work toward oneness of *body, mind, spirit and emotion.  *(Physical intimacy feels impossible when you don't feel emotionally attached.  Your husband will feel emotionally attached when you engage with him in body.  We are polar opposites in our wiring on this.  Do what YOU can do to change this aspect of your relationship.  This is the area in which I made my first step -- and the benefits build on themselves).
• Don't expect perfection.  Marriage requires work, sacrifice, selflessness and time.  Some days, we don't feel like working, we don't want to give anything today, we feel selfish and feel pressed for time.  This is where we keep working at it, with no such phrase as "I give up" allowed.  Pray continually.  God will redirect you!
• Remember the good old days.  Memories of first love help us rewind and repeat.  Do this as often as you can because forgetting happens as life takes over and we lose that laser-like focus.
• Build on your successes.  
• Mistakes happen.  Try, try again.
• Focus on the little things.  Eye contact, a touch on the arm, holding hands, a hug, a smile, a little gift, a note on the steering wheel, a text or phone call -- the small things that make people feel noticed.  Do them.  Often.  
• Make it real.  No fake gestures allowed, no forced smiles.  Pray for the things you feel incapable of doing and find that wire coming alive and ready for connection.

With God, all things are possible.  Believe it, pray it, and watch it work.  Soon, you find your unspoken expectations have shrunken to almost unnoticeable levels and your marriage looks better than you have seen it in years.

Love is definitely not what you expect, but it's everything you give.

Preparing Your Heart for Valentine's Day

Hmmmm ... I see a big heart drawn in the calendar box for this Thursday, married people!  Approximately 36 hours to go.  Time to get moving!  Don't waste another minute.  Love is (or can be) in the air. 

When it comes to Valentine's Day, the cost, the food, the attire and the venue don't matter one bit.  All any of us want is to love and feel loved every day of the year, not have a pulling out of all the stops just on one night.  For some, that want feels less attainable than a trip to the moon.  For others, loving action comes easily and has always been -- no doubt, no stumbling blocks.

For those dreading it,  the thought of Valentine's Day feels like a stabbing pain, a dreadful possibility, a tad on the unsure side, or something you would like to erase from the calendar and send the trappings of it down a chute in every department store you see.  Take the time to make some changes and catch hold of the spirit of this "card store holiday".  Make Valentine's Day your own, personal, heart challenge.

Each marriage has to work every part - emotional, mental, physical and spiritual - to find what "one" really means, and the work never ends.  It also doesn't happen in just one night, but anyone can start anywhere.  Now is good.  Let's do it. 

No matter how you try to color it, Valentine's Day marks the calendar with a big red heart. Dinner, symbolic gifts, dressy clothing, boxes of chocolate, or maybe just a few hours without children in tow attracts some of us to celebrate.   For you, maybe hope calls.  Maybe it's the hope of a salvaged relationship, or of rejuvenated love.  It might be hope for intimacy that has all but disappeared, or has filtered to the bottom of the chore list. Maybe you have hope that pain and struggle will end.

No matter your Valentine's Day plans or hopes, do something important every day this week.  Pray.  Ask forgiveness for wrongs you have done, for thoughts that have gone astray and have allowed you to see your husband in a derogatory light ... the bad guy, the killer of your dreams.  Pray for a leash on your tongue if you need it.  Pray for yourself very carefully -- that you will find the good in your husband and keep finding more.  God will help you find it.

Pray that kindness will overcome all else and that you will feel sparks of interest where they haven't existed in some time. Pray that intimacy (on a small or grand level) will happen. You don't have to fix all your problems in one night, but you can close the gap with your physical presence, very hard for women who feel distant.  But do it -- PREPARE YOUR HEART.

Pray for the desire for your husband that has been difficult or absent.  And, pray for him. Pray that he will receive your actions and words for what you need them to mean. Pray that he make the effort this week to build your relationship in small ways and to anticipate spending Valentine's Day with you. Give thanks for the blessings you have in your marriage, home and family.

Finally, think of what drew you to your husband in the first place. Look for those things now. Don't let the irritations enter your mind, stop replaying angry or hurtful words and do your part to make a difference NOW. Speak and act in love.  Banish thoughts and feelings of failure or apathy.  Be the girl he fell in love with this week. Build him up, support and encourage, and smile while you do it. Get close. Hug him, reach for his hand.

I don't know what your marriage feels like.  I can only go from my own experience, which has packed up a huge share of struggle, hurt and serious misunderstanding and missteps.  Multitudes of women have suffered, and many have learned to make changes to put the brakes on and turn the bus around, and they have found not the marriage they lost, but a better one.

Put yourself out there.  Whether you have the evening of your dreams or you pick up a pizza and share some Conversation Hearts, don't hold onto anything that doesn't deserve time in your heart and mind. Grudges, barriers, walls, resentment, need for control, martyrdom, and regret -- let them go.  They serve only to destroy.

Your job?  Build. Start with this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

I Corinthians 13: 4-8 

The Danger of Tunnel Vision in Marriage

The medical definition of "tunnel vision" states,

"Tunnel vision: Loss of peripheral vision with retention of central vision, resulting in a constricted circular tunnel-like field of vision. And, by extension, any very narrow point of view."  
(from www.medicinenet.com)

In yesterday's post, Tales of a Business Traveler's Wife:  Single-Mom Syndrome, I outlined some of what a woman might do when faced with parenting alone because of a husband's work travel.

Today, tunnel vision dropped into my mind, thanks to a comment I received yesterday.  Mainly, a tunnel-visioned woman cannot see the forest for the trees.  Too much focus on the details, not enough focus on the big picture.  She focuses straight ahead at what she must accomplish for her own peace of mind.  Then, she hopes that the entire picture will improve due to enhancement from her attention in one area.  I believe this is deception.  Self-deception, but also cultural and from The Deceiver, himself.

Women and men have the ability to use tunnel vision, but in different areas.  One short sentence will make a wife of any sports fan nod in agreement.

"The game is on."

Do not interrupt the game.  It's all he wants to see right now, just wait until the end, please.

However, when a woman sets herself to the job of completing a task, nothing can deter her, even an actual person interrupting by voice or motion.  She turns on the tunnel vision and engages in the activity at hand.  This works especially well if she has children and has learned that not every whine or cry needs attention.  She can differentiate between a child's needs and wants by sound.  She keeps at those dishes, finishes typing the document, folds the last shirt, and her work finds completion.  She tunes in again, checks the chore off the list and moves along.  Accessibility returns.

Sometimes, the whining and crying (so to speak) comes from her husband.  When his needs/wants begin to come around again and again like the proverbial squeaky wheel, a woman may tune them out rather than grease the wheel with care.  Worse still, a woman sometimes assesses the squeak, deciding on the "real" issue as she sees it, and decides whether her husband really needs that kind of attention, or has he just chosen to harp on that today?  How long can she hold him off this time?  Must ... get ... this ... job ... done.  She gives him the same assessment she gives a tantrum-throwing two-year old.  It can wait, or she pushes through it and it will go away.

This female behavior exhibits two things:  disrespect and control.  Danger zones, both.

As a woman, I admit I don't automatically stand back and assess myself, thoughtfully listing the areas in which I could use some work.  The Holy Spirit can nudge me, but I have channeled my thoughts to getting a task completed that I can guiltily tune out the small voice.  I miss the warning signs about imminent danger  -- the kind that throws discussions with my husband off the track and over the cliff into argument.  I exhibit disrespect and control, and we run right up to it in a discussion and I don't think, "Hey!  There it is! How do I get around this awful thing and move onto the better track?"  No, no.  Instead, I plow right on through, crashing the road block and ending up over the cliff again.

Tunnel vision, medically, brings danger to the person who has it.  Peripheral vision goes black, and only forward vision works.  Over-the-road truckers have to guard against this, looking side-to-side and up or down often, keeping the eyes moving, not focusing straight-on constantly.  The focus lies in avoiding harmful situations and preventing accidents.

Exercising the eyes while driving ensures we'll see signs, warnings, road blocks and detours around a danger zone.  Marriage and family danger zones offer similar warnings.  Unless we practice looking, listening and understanding, we will miss them, or learn to ignore them in favor of our own preferences.  Catapulting over cliffs again and again will teach us a lesson, but that manner of learning can also bring damage that costs considerably to repair and may leave terrible scars.  When possible, choose to learn at the appearance of the first sign, whether it comes in words, actions or attitudes.  Don't wait until the signs grow larger and more frequent, or until the danger looms ahead without a way to avoid it.  Find the right road to loving actions that bring peace, rather than barreling through into chaos.

The signs, warnings roadblocks and detours serve to warn.  They apply to me.  My husband's slumping posture, grimacing expression, exasperated voice and choice of words serve as warnings.  They alert me to something ahead that I can address, a problem I can help solve, a danger I can avoid.  My job?  PAY ATTENTION!

I can offer some good news on this tunnel vision.  Not only can a person change it (thank you, God ... I couldn't have done it without You), the vision gained after recovering from it grows more acute.  The precision of sight after failing to see for even a short time can make a person shout for joy at the clarity of recovered sight.  I promise that seeing all the colors, shapes, shadows and play of light will delight you, and make your marriage glow with a radiance you never saw before.  When you can see only what you focus on, you can't expect a beautiful mural.  You get a locket photo instead, small and contained without room to grow.

I know I've shouted out to the Lord on more than a few occasions.  When you've learned how to stop crashing the roadblocks and instead, find the detours and pleasant side routes that open before you, a person can't help but feel tremendous relief.  Marriage grows this way.  It takes different routes.  You can't expand the horizons of your relationship if you continue taking the same roads every time, and wonder why you always end up in the same place.

Always be sure to thank the Bringer of Relief.  The Author of Grace.  The Creator of All.

He totally cares.

Tales of a Business Traveler's Wife: Jealousy

Having a business traveler husband does provide a handful of advantages.  All that traveling earns mileage and hotel points, and many meals on the road allow for quite a bit of restaurant experience.  Each of these "perks" benefits our family occasionally.  Furthermore, my husband can lead me through an airport to the right gate and on time, no matter how short the layover.  He knows how to handle rental vehicles from pick-up to return without having to ask questions.  He carries an admirable finesse in the outside world and a polished manner that comes from years of on-the-go travel training.

He also has a jealous wife.              

I miss the many roles he plays in our home and marriage when he's not at home, and most of all the comfort of his presence.  I let him know I will miss him, and express my feelings plainly and without dramatic displays (not my style, anyway).  He understands what I mean and hearing me state my case makes him feel revered, respected, loved and important.  Jealousy does not enter the picture here.

My landscape remains mostly the same.  I enjoy the comfort of the home every day that my husband, by the grace of God, provides for us.  My husband would like that sameness, which would match his more structured manner of living, and avoid the changes he prefers to resist.  He likes comfortable patterns.  He wants to feel cared for and to have the advantages of being married in all the forms available to him, and why shouldn't he?  Yet I feel jealous.  Grrrrr.

I don't mention that I feel this way, mainly because when he stands ready for a good-bye kiss, I don't have a smidgen of jealousy anywhere, and it never enters my mind.  It never surfaces during the time he travels.  I forget the feeling completely.

The jealousy hits when he's here again, sometimes creeping in while he shares photos or when he wows the kids with foam stress balls, ballpoint pens and nifty flashlights he picked up for them at a trade show.  I feel a little green when he points out locations he has visited or may visit in the future.  When he raves over a menu choice at a restaurant, I smile and remember the leftovers we consumed last night.  I don't begrudge him the experience, but I feel a little left out.

Shame on me.

Do I feel jealous that he has a nice time, eats well and sees some amazing sights?  I pretty much do.  I'm ashamed to a degree, and after all these years you'd think I'd have adjusted.  I've regressed, actually, though the jealousy is a tiny fraction of my feelings -- almost not worth mentioning, but it happens without warning.  Small as it is, it irritates me that it arrives at all.  Like a single mosquito, whining for attention and too crafty to slap.

I pray about it as it happens, and feel the relief of weight lifting from me.  I shouldn't feel it, but I know to go to God immediately to avoid piling on more and possibly acting out on it, which I have never done.  It does not consume me, it irritates.

Oh, travel, you thief!  I feel terrible that he loses sleep and misses time to unwind and relax at home.  I hate that he works late into the night to keep up with usual responsibilities as well as perform the necessary parts of the travel itinerary.  I hate that sometimes he sits down to dinner while I climb into bed for the night, and that he has little hope of getting to bed again until the clock has passed midnight.  I regret that he has to wade through lots of wasted time that he can't control, has to sleep in uncomfortable beds, must endure loud air conditioners and inconsiderate neighbors, and put up with long waits for security checks at the airport not to mention cramped airplane seating.  I hate knowing that he feels lonely, that he "lives alone" during his time away, and that we both lie in bed at night waiting for him to return home.  And the small pangs of envy invade at the thought of having just a little of his experience, and to have the experience of enjoying the welcoming at home.

When I realize that the jealousy I feel has strings attached, I know that God has tied them there.  My jealous self would want to enjoy the trip, see the sights, order varied selections at my choice of restaurants (those without drive-thru windows or plastic trays for carrying food) and relax well, when not taking in the sights and attractions of the location du jour.  My "living in the real world" husband doesn't have the option for any of those.  I would want to travel to the airport and take my time getting to the gate, enjoy the flight, and take a few side trips between the airport and the hotel.  Those things don't exist on the itinerary for the man I married.  I'm jealous of a dream more than of the reality.

And with that, God just gave me a new angle ... I have learned another, more important lesson, and that is this:  I feel jealous of the travel, as if it were a living thing.  That untouchable entity that envelops my husband, whisks him away, holds him out of my reach, treats him to things I'll never experience or share with him, and then sends him home again when it has exhausted him, wrung him out like a rag.

I'm jealous that it sometimes gets the best of him and leaves him hoping to offer our marriage more, knowing he has little left to give.  He tries and succeeds, but suffers consequences.  He knows he provides our needs with his work, for which he sacrifices so much.  Travel steals a lot of his joy, which it didn't used to do.   I want for him to enjoy what he experiences, though he usually just gets through on fumes.  I hope he will recover quickly, but the travel returns to take him again and adds more time to the recovery process the next time.

Yes, I'm jealous of travel.  It gives, but it also takes.  It's business, after all.

Communication: Chick Flick Versus Action Movie

Do you want to see a movie this weekend?

This question comes up just about every week at our house, and it means firing up the DVD player and snuggling on the couch to watch a pre-owned DVD (aka "we already own it") after the kids have hit the sack for the night.

If I pick, my husband figures "chick flick".  A girl movie.  A heart-rending (sappy) tale of a person facing obstacles and overcoming them, or romance (also sappy); lots of wooing, dialogue riddled with figurative speech and heart-melting lines (spoken by the leading man, of course).  I will cry, and my husband jokingly/lovingly passes a box of tissues.  Hollywood-ized life graces the screen, either from our 50 States or from various destinations around the world.  Music enhances the story line, sometimes foreshadowing events, sometimes coinciding with characters' states of mind.  Lots of weaving of lives and deeper meanings to unravel as we fall in love with love and leading roles.  Again.

If My Dear Man chooses the evening's film, chances are it will involve firearms of several varieties, possibly tanks, robots, or other cold metal, and have female characters who either play equally tough alongside the male actors or damsels in distress.  Conquest and heroism fill the screen from beginning to end.  No time for building characters and background scope, or tracing family connections and getting to know anyone.  Many characters don't live long enough for that.  Musical scores add to the artillery fire, and we usually have to turn down the volume.  My guess is that because the music plays so loudly the characters have to shout?  Or vice versa?  Yes, I jest.  It's just unusually l-o-u-d.

Interestingly, our movie selection odyssey mirrors our communication styles.   Minus the soundtrack.

When I have something to tell, I explain background, illustrate characters and their personalities, interweave plots, draw parallels and webs to get to a point -- the end, or so he hopes.  He trips on the massive script I provide, unable to tell the difference between the leading character and extras during my explanation of events that lead up to the conclusion.  During my monologue, you don't have to have been there because I will illustrate every bit of the experience in minute detail.  I don't cut to the chase well.  And well ... he's a man.  They're all about the action and just getting down to business.  Girls like the gloss.  Girls also interject, offering insights and sharing similarities, as well as give encouragement and sympathy or empathy.  My husband listens, but does not interject.  He waits until the end of the story, not always patiently.  Then he responds to each point, which sometimes feels like needles in haystack to him.

He, as you probably already know, when he has something to share he lays out the important information, just enough to carry out the plan, fix the problem or win the battle.  He shows excitement in describing some of the action along the way in great detail (special effects trip his trigger), but in my mind, you have to have been there to really appreciate it.  I listen intently, but don't always understand the bullet list of facts without some tying together by human relationships.  I try to interject or clarify, but that sounds like interruption to his male ears.  The importance lies in the action as it takes place.  I don't learn a lot about what people have said or about the setting, but I learn a lot about the activity and any gadgetry (tools, weapons, toys) involved.  Details.  Lots of them!  At the end, I attempt to draw parallels or interpret and go for closure, while he waves his arms like a referee indicating "no goal!" He has shared.  The end of the sharing makes the closure, like "The End" on the last page of a book.

We share one characteristic in our listening styles:  neither wants to wade through the details the other includes in his part of the conversation, but we hold our own details dear and want to express them to an understanding spouse.  My female brain wants connection, not cold metal and the results of it blasting a whole battalion out of a stronghold.  My husband's male brain makes connections based on nuts and bolts that hold together the important parts:  beginning, middle, end.

We also share a desire to know the ending.  If I can tell him the end first, he listens better to the details (but don't reveal a movie ending ... that's just wrong).  As for me, I want to know the ending so I can better trace the beginnings.

Confusing?

Men and women are opposite creatures with obvious but oppositional similarities.  Our habits and preferences differ, our mannerisms and speech don't line up the same way and our ways of listening and speaking vary ... and don't really meet anywhere convenient.

What I've learned is this:  After years of sticking to our decidedly male/female differences and carrying torches into divisive battle, we've had to learn to overcome our chick flick/action movie preferences in our conversation patterns.  I did the reading and the research and ferreted out the details that matter and presented them for discussion.  He took the necessary information into practice, but not to take prisoners or beat the opponent, but to work for peace.

We have each used our strengths to bridge the communication gap that often kept us far apart in understanding each other.  No matter how hard I listened, sometimes I heard only the noise of the confusion and fury.  No matter how hard he listened, all he could hear were the tiny details and interwoven, confusing webs of feelings overlying them.

I have made my goal to work at listing facts and providing ample detail, but not overdoing it.  I focus on making my point, but connecting it with enough lifeblood that he can learn about the people and the feelings involved. He feels free to ask clarifying questions and offer viewpoints at intervals.  Periodically, I stop to make sure he is on the same page and not feeling as if I have left him behind in a maze to fend for himself.

He works at providing the feelings behind the action, communicating how he sees the scene and why it holds great meaning for him so that I can listen, riveted to his telling, but also feeling connected to the story and not just a one-woman audience.

Changing how we tell each other about events of the day or about a particular need or obstacle has changed all the rest of our give-and-take.  We have learned to tune in, to pause the television or turn it off, to ignore the ringing phone, and to make solid eye contact.  We have learned to ask clarifying questions and to follow up the other's story with conversation that says, "I heard you and I understand.  I'm ready to talk further if you like," rather than convey a message of, "Now it's my turn,"by blasting off into a monologue on a completely different topic.

Although the chick flick and the action movie don't really serve as educational tools for marriage, they do serve a great role in understanding how we prefer to send and receive information.  They show how our differences play out, more or less, and provide a framework of not only our communication preferences, but our interest in sending or receiving a certain volume of information.  Bits and pieces or long, interconnected strings?

Taking the time to learn about his style of talking and listening, and tuning in to your own can help you make big strides in intimacy with your husband.

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Linking up with: A Royal Daughter, Faith Barista, Quite the Blog

How to Destroy Your Marriage the Easy Way

Somewhere between the altar representing vows of positive, forward motion and the first wedding anniversary, reality bites into the smooth road of our newlywed lives, cutting into the pavement like a jackhammer gone wild, stunning newlyweds, causing their forward motion to screech to a halt -- like deer caught in the beam of headlights.

Reality has a way of changing perspectives, but if you're anything like I have been in my married life -- a lot hard-headed,  indignant, self-righteous to a degree, soft-hearted but stubbornly willful, and quite certain that my own remedies would cure the ills if he would just listen, you have hit wall after wall and keep falling over all sorts of obstacles and into trenches and pits.  Most of them self-dug.

You can destroy your marriage fairly fast by remaining frozen in the road like the deer that stands stock still in the path of oncoming danger, or you can destroy it in short bursts and sudden moves -- the road most traveled for many couples.  In the short burst scenario, the deer bolts in several wrong directions, crazed by its unexpected situation, and turns into the path of the problem, thereby causing greater damage or fatality.

Whether you have managed to eke out a decade of married-but-disgruntled existence or you have squeaked past your second or third anniversary and simply do not feel the love and think you have made the biggest mistake of your life, or even if you have made it to the silver or golden anniversary by the skin of your teeth (gritting them harder every year), you can turn away from disastrous outcomes and find the treasure that marriage should bring.  There are other directions to turn, but you have to take the initiative and get yourself moving.

Or, you can plan to fail by bolting in all those wrong, deer-like directions.  As a human being, you have instinct, less intense and less dominating than the animal world owns.  You also have logical thought, and the ability to love unconditionally, reason, discern, learn, break habits, work cooperatively, listen intently, and to see things from different perspectives.  You have the Word to guide you.

But, you can destroy your marriage by doing any of the following as easily as you can do any of the underlined options listed in the last paragraph.  Choose one or a combination:

• Forget to pray.
• Don't bother to learn what God has to say about marriage (Genesis 2, I Peter 3, Ephesians 5).
• Hold grudges.
• Build resentment about what he does/did that irks you.
• Tell your marriage issues to someone else mired in a similar situation.
• Tell your marriage issues to someone who has no godly advice and who encourages you to vent while offering her own horror stories. 
• Wallow in self-pity.  Feel good and sorry for YOU.
• Compare your husband to other husbands and feel even worse because others appear so qualified at the job.
• Talk about your husband to others in a derogatory or blaming way, poke fun at him ... jokingly.
• Focus on your husband's faults.
• Allow your mind to think, "If only he would _______," and fill in the blank with the actions, words or thoughts you want him to play out for you.
• Rehearse the wrongs he has done to you.
• Point out your husband's flaws to him, as they appear, so he can improve immediately. Dig up old ones, too.  The man needs review, since he clearly hasn't improved.
• View your husband's needs as "picky" or "selfish", after all, he's not meeting yours, is he?  
• Find excuses (other than true, physical inability) to NOT make love with your husband.
• Withhold affection because he doesn't comply with your wishes.
• Make a "How to Be a Good Husband" list and unload several items on him at one time.
• Interrupt him.
• When he brings up a need of his own, be sure to have reasons on the tip of your why they aren't really needs; play it down so it doesn't make you uncomfortable.
• When arguing, be sure to pound hard on all the things you have done for him that he hasn't bothered to notice.
• Don't put time, effort and thought into your marriage -- assume it will continue on without work
• Pay more attention to your kids (your friends, your family, your job) than to your husband.
• Don't honestly assess yourself as a wife using biblical sources (Bible, study book, godly friend). 
• Don't look at yourself through a biblical lens, nor through the eyes of a stranger looking in on you, unbeknownst to you.
• Don't ask God to show you your faults, sins or shortcomings.  Stay blind to them.

Pick one or dabble in several of them.  Hang on tight to your personal convictions and use them as a shield against your husband.  Don't show weakness, stand strong and proud, and never back down.  Stand in the roadway, stunned and confused, even with all the resources around you.

The innocent deer doesn't know how to proceed, but ... don't you?

One final thing:  if you have anything to add to the list -- those little prideful things you hold dear or the big, sweeping assumptions that hold a man down and don't let him up for air, please share.  When someone sees herself in one of these points, she may finally have found a place to start.  It never hurts to share.



Linking with:  Time Warp Wife, Cornerstone Confessions, Satisfaction Through Christ, The Bliss Diaries, GFC Blog Hop

Ladies Before Gentlemen: Making Marriage Changes

. 

It's your turn. Step up to the plate. Make the first motion. Take the first step. Act purposefully and passionately. Don't lose time rethinking, start now. Don't wait for someone else to make the first move.  Don't wait for all the stars to align and or to get all your ducks in a row.

Be the first one in your marriage to take a stand and work for what is right -- what works for everyone if only everyone would stop following the dangling carrot that the world offers as bait -- which you'll chase forever and never reach.  The world's ways change with each new self-appointed marriage expert, each new diet, each new supplement or super-food.  You can read every book, try every diet, pop every pill and purchase every piece of produce and still not feel better, or even that you found the road to recovery.  Stop searching, honey.  The answers are all found by looking up, rather than looking around you.

Take the initiative now and build or rebuild your marriage on a foundation that will not waver and will never change with new building codes or modern ideas of "better".  Take your marriage to a place far, far away from the "self help" section of the book shop, from Oprah or Dr. Phil.  You can find some good things in those places, but you can't find the right advice all the time. 

You know where your knees are.  Drop to them, bow your head, humble yourself and lay it all out for God.  He wrote the Book, after all, and created the marriage you so desperately want.

Why "Ladies Before Gentlemen"?  Simply this.  The more I talk with people, the more I read (blog-wise and book-wise), and the more I work to improve my own marriage every day, the more I realize many women have dug in their heels and sit back, waiting for Prince Charming to peel of the "husband" suit they see every day and show himself.

Marriage does not equal "happily ever after" unless you find a way to keep it happy.  You can stubbornly cross your arms and tap your foot with a furrowed brow and longing heart (the first three of these are visible, but that man cannot see your heart, much less understand it) and get nowhere.  In fact, you can find yourself moving even farther from anything that looks like a positive goal.

So you have to get moving.  YOU.  No lists or suggestions for him.  It's all about you and your motivation to make changes. 

You cannot change your husband.  You can pray for him, for God to soften his heart to you and to show him areas that he could change (God knows them, you don't need to make Him a list!).
You can change yourself, asking God to soften your heart to your husband, to show you how to minister to his needs (mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually).
You can read and research resources based in Christian faith to guide you, praying all the way.
You can read the Bible  (if you don't own one, you can download free ones online such as the Amplified Bible) for marriage and life guidance.
You can resource Christian blogs through online searches that will lead you to Bible passages that will help you.
You can search key words online, such as "how to save my marriage faith" or use "Christian" in place of "faith", or add "blog".  Use careful creativity in searching, and pray for guidance as you read.

This all sounds very one-sided, yes?  It does, because it is.  For now.  Stand by your conviction on this.  You have a desire for a better marriage, you have a longing in your heart and a brain full of "what if?"  You have God on your side in this, and nothing in this world offers more power than that. 

The time is now, the waiting is over.  Do your part.  Keep doing it no matter that you feel no positive response early in your efforts.  Pray daily, hourly, and by the minute.  Fill your heart with God -- give your heart to Christ ... all of these things happen through prayer and willingness to learn, to try and to change.

Any gentleman knows the phrase, "Ladies first." The door is open for you.  Step out and get moving! 


Related Articles:
Real Marriage Done Right
Self-Assessment Can Change Your Marriage
Take off the Blinders
Thanksgiving:  Be the Change in Your Marriage
How to Talk So He Will Listen; How to Listen So He Will Talk


Linking up this rainy Monday with:  Covered in Grace, Quite the Blog, What Joy Is Mine, The Better Mom, Proverbs 31 Wife,  Rachel Wojo, No Ordinary Blog Hop

Forsaking All Others: Opposite-Sex Friendship

An Internet search conducted today using the words "opposite-sex friendship" will deluge a searcher in a waterfall of choices; findings flood the search landscape in everything from scholarly articles based on university and think-tank studies and surveys to blog articles and message boards based on personal experience in which you can almost feel the opinions and experience pulsing in the comment sections.

Generationally, male-female friendships have expanded in number and in scope, and their very existence seems to indicate something unusual on the social curve.  Prior to 1974, no one had even conducted a study of these friendships.

One supposition I make on this lack of "data" is that in older generations, male-female friendships sat at a surface level, more formal, more business-like or acquaintance style.  My parents' friendships were forged with other couples, and they included widows and widowers, single people who needed companionship, but they did not include separate friendships with the opposite-sex.  I can see the shock on my mother's face at the mere suggestion.  That would be wrong, it would look improper, it would be improper for her to associate with another man in a close and personal way.  My grandmother's generation held a narrower view, and I can still hear my grandmother refer to church and neighborhood men as, "Mr. Young," or "Mr. Olson."  Lines existed.

Today, we hold a loose leash on "How to Relate to Others," and even fewer lines of certainty drawn anywhere.  Divulging of personal information to any listening ear prevails in an atmosphere of café and coffee shop meet-ups, texting, instant messaging, e-mail, social network platforms and comment section banter.  Reins on conversation topics grow looser, responsibility and self-control have relaxed their grip through the dumbing down of conversation that contains an overabundance of information.  What our conversations lack in importance we make up for by the number of texts we send.  We communicate more and say less, but in the case of friendship, we often say too much.  Our world tuned into friendship and "feel good" in lieu of imposing safeguards and setting limits.  We have ditched respectability and grabbed for familiarity on all levels.  We want to know and be known.

I'll just get it out there now:  most people are missing God.  Those holes in life they're filling?  God-sized.  Many people agree with this and know where the snakes lie in the grass ... people who don't know this seem to keep adding more activity and more people to life in order to fill those spaces.  Without God in there, they're feeding a vacuum.  A black hole of need.

What does this do to marriage?  What about male-female relationships outside the bonds of marriage?  Should a married man have female friends or a wife have male friends, each enjoying social time separately?  Sharing activities, deep conversations, and meeting together when each finds free time?  Texting and e-mailing any time of day or night?  Are there implications to consider?

Is it okay for a wife to want to hang out with male friends while her husband wrangles the kiddies and manages without her? 
Is it okay for him to want to go for coffee or see a concert with female friends while she takes on the roles at home on her own? 
Is it right for her husband to feel uncomfortable that she has male friends whom she makes time to see relatively regularly on her own?
Is it right for her to feel uneasy about his female pals with whom he texts or spends time in person? 
I have my own answers:  Two yes and two no.  Not in that order.

Whatever happened to that vow you made?  The one stating that you will "cling only unto each other, forsaking all others"?  "Cling" doesn't mean hang around each other's necks like baby chimpanzees, but it does mean "hang on tight to what you have right here.  And what does forsaking mean, anyway?

forsaking  present participle of for·sake (Verb)

Verb Abandon (someone or something): Forsake the idea for a better one. Renounce or give up (something valued or pleasant): "I won't forsake my marriage principles".

I believe the initiating of opposite-sex friendship happens when we stop being close friends with our spouses and the drift to opposite shores begins.  Most definitely, a spouse should not serve as our only human connection, but marriage is our most important connection, the one we should cultivate first, above all others.  Forsaking all others.   Giving up friends does not mean giving in to control -- if a husband demands an end to all friendship, by all means, think harder than that.  But, if a husband wants that male friend to hit the bricks, please lay those bricks now.  Your marriage matters more than does your social life.  If you feel a stronger pull to socialize, and if the pull feels any greater than social interaction, you are on the wrong road.  That yellow sign up there at the top of the page is the one to obey:  DANGER, WRONG WAY, TURN BACK.  Proceeding with caution still leads in the wrong direction.  You must turn around and do it completely.

We can't know another person's heart, but we can guard ours with everything we have.

Marriage requires giving your best to your spouse, not dangling leftovers in front of him.  If you're hanging with others often, same or opposite sex, you aren't ... simply ARE NOT giving your best to your husband. If you share thoughts and feelings with that opposite-sex person for the purpose of evaluating your marriage, you are not giving your best to your husband.  If you associate with that friend for the feeling of closeness he or she provides, you are not giving what you should to your marriage; you are cultivating a relationship with the friend.

A friend (female!) and I share a smile over this upended quote,

The grass is always greener where you water it.

If you put the energy into marriage that you would allot to an opposite-sex friend, you would see results.  If you take your marriage seriously, you will want to make it greener.  People don't marry to fail, but they fail to keep watering, weeding, fertilizing and taking utmost care of the marriage they planted in the first place.  When you begin to keep watch over another relationship, you divide your time and you cannot focus the way you should.

Friendship entails sharing.  Life troubles arise.  Trouble garners sympathy.  Sympathy asks for comfort.  Comfort shares emotions.  Emotions connect.  Connections link hearts, and even the happiest marriage can find itself sabotaged by an external friendship that grew too far without pruning of twining branches.

Opposite-sex friendships might remain completely platonic.  They certainly can.  However, there is always, always, always, ALWAYS potential for temptation.  Illegal U-Turns happen.  People run red lights and exceed speed limits.  People make wrong turns and figure they'll explore a new avenue and see the sights as time allows.

Opposite-sex friendship has to have brakes.  Emergency brakes, too.  In such friendships, a guard has to always exist.  God provides that guard in the form of his Spirit within us ... but we have the free will to make choices, and that makes the difference.

The truth is, good things -- positive relationships -- can start out innocuously.  They can begin during a phone call, at lunch, in a bowling alley, during work, at the grocery store, at the kids' school, and in church!   An invisible ball, usually static and centered in platonic relationships, begins to roll.  It might go unnoticed for a while, but soon, that ball has inched past the center ... the safe zone.  Feelings -- distinctly male and female -- can rise.  When the Spirit alerts you, how do you respond?  If you don't have lines drawn, if you don't listen to the small voice of the Spirit, you don't.  You simply follow the ball.

Marriage is more important than any friendship.
Marriage means sacrificing for husband/wife, for the sake of the other, which offers benefits for both.
Married people must live transparently, having no secrets, holding no cards under the table.
Marriage focuses on the other person, not oneself; service and giving trumps asking and receiving.
Marriage joins a couple in every possible way, and the rest of their lives need to fall in line of importance around it, not the other way around.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment, not a chance and not a maybe.

Marriage is more important than meeting for coffee, than playing a sport of joining a club and connecting with other people of similar interests.  Marriage is more important than any other commitment in life.

Pray about your friendships, to sincerely ask for God's direction, not rely on our own feelings and needs (which fail us all the time).  Bringing it up to God and listening intently for the answer, which may come as a feeling of aversion to those opposite-sex friendships, or a need to back away and set limits, will happen.  If you're on the fence in a friendship, looking at the greenery, hop off into your own weedy, brown grass and get watering!

We can't know for certain where friendship will lead, but we do know where marriage will take us.  With the focus on what's right and proper, with what we vowed to do on our wedding day, we make the right choice.

A true friend will understand.

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How to Start Dating ... Again

I want to start dating again.  I only ever dated one man, and for only nineteen days in succession, so I don't have a passel of experience to offer, or many ideas of what to do.  My brain can freeze just  thinking about it: what to do, where to go, what to wear, how to act, what to say, how to say it.
 Scary. I need to get into it, but I'm so out of practice I hardly know how to start.

Breathe easy ... the object of my dating desire is the man I married.  I want to date him, learn to reconnect in that special way with him.  I want to recapture the simple things, the him 'n me time, virtually uninterrupted, all ours.  Time to look into each others' eyes, to sit long at a table and chat, to choose a movie during which characters might kiss and no one hollers, "Oh, YUCK!"

My husband and I had only a few Official Dates.  You know... the kind with dinner or dessert involved, maybe a movie or a long walk to nowhere in particular.  The kind that makes a girl swoon at every little thing, and shiver in anticipation at his nearness.  Maybe a concert or sporting event, or a drive to a beautiful vista.  The kind that finds you holding hands and really thinking about it.  The kind that makes you feel hopeful, full of joy, and still a little nervous.  The kind that ends with hope of a next date.


We participated in some dates like those and spoke for hours on the phone across campus and in person on long walks.  He proposed to me on a date that marked our college graduation and his birthday, and represented the number of days we dated:  19.  Then we started a year-long, long-distance engagement followed by marriage, moving away from family, a few moves to new apartments and homes, new jobs, miscarriage, the addition of business travel (for him), childbirth, and more distance between us without realizing we created it ourselves.

Our days of dating, as few as they were, had made us familiar with each other, bonded us in new ways, helped us see from new eyes, helped us eliminate life clutter and focus on our relationship.  Imagine that!  Dating consists of everything married life should.  We leave it behind for "more mature" endeavors, only to find they're the very activities that divide us or cut us off from the love we have known and cultivated at the beginning.  Instead, we sow seeds and leave them to grow untended.

Life events and overwrought psyches, insecurities and slipping attitudes drew us toward unfamiliar territory, which we began to explore in opposite directions and with greater irritation over the other person not willingly following in whatever direction we each decided felt right.

We forgot to connect.  We avoided discussion over hurtful things.  We forgot to anticipate time with each other.  We forgot to make special plans just for us.  We made work more important, followed by children and then "down" time -- when all the others weighed on us so much.  We had a handful of joy that buoyed us, but not often enough.  We roamed and found divergent paths in order to not have to think about struggling and to avoid discussing issues we found uncomfortable, except in heated moments when we let it all hang in dangerous doses with all the wrong words.

And we came back together.

God allowed us to fall apart so we could fall together.  Unite.  Find pleasure in our purpose together again.  Some people never do that.  They cut the fraying ties and run, often right to another person with similar issues.  They do the dating, they feel the infatuation, and then they start fraying just the same.

We started out by doing all those things we used to do nearly a quarter century ago to get to know each other.  We offered sincere compliments, we found fulfillment in conversation, we carefully noticed each other, we learned what made the other person tick, we learned the other person's joys and sorrows, pleasures and pain.  We made lunch dates, sometimes every day.  We took time away from our children to work on projects together or go shopping.

We made plans.  We looked forward to carrying out the plans.  We looked forward to making more plans like those very soon.  We looked forward to each other.

And that's dating!  

To keep up the great work we've accomplished so far (thank you, GOD!), I had a lightning-strike idea about 10 days before Christmas.  Preplanned, prepaid and packaged date nights.  A whole boxful, allowing for twelve dates throughout the coming year.  I wrapped the huge box for My Dear Man and wriggled and smiled a lot in anticipation of the grand opening.  I could barely stand the wait.

So I told a friend about it.  She went off like a firework finale and drummed up a box of her own for her husband's Christmas gift.  Her husband loved it.  They've already gone on their "first" date.

We're going at our dates a little more slowly.  In fact, as life would have it, we haven't gone on one yet.  I had to cancel plans based on a toothache (who can eat fried chicken and enjoy the severely misunderstood Scarlett and Rhett in "Gone with the Wind" with a swollen, painful jaw, I ask you), followed by children's and potential childcare-giver's illnesses.  Life will still get in the way, but so will this box!

 

It sits in plain sight, and we review it from time to time, anticipating.  This weekend will bring Scarlett and Rhett to our family room in living color, and we will feast on southern fried chicken and drink something peachy or mint julep-like in honor of the Old South.  We will date!  He will not understand some of the connections, I will have too much book knowledge, and we will both cringe when Rhett walks out, and we will have shared many things:

- an uninterrupted evening together -- just the together makes me smile
- a meal
- a movie and all of its history and lessons in perseverance (except for hanging tough in marriage!)
- our thoughts about what we're seeing (and about how much time will pass during it, I'm sure!)
- time, space, energy, self, knowledge, thought, interpretation, reaction, hope, hands, outlook/vision, understanding and anticipation

We're looking forward to date nights without actual dates assigned to them.  It feels terrific.  It feels like having someone pull out a ticket from a hat while you stand in the crowd, waiting and hoping.  Except that you get to win every time.

I encourage you ... beg you, even ... to share your ideas for date nights with those who visit this site.  We come from all over -- the US, Canada, Russia, Ireland, Poland, the Nordic Countries, the UK, Australia, Ukraine, China, Japan, Italy, Spain, France, Malaysia, Indonesia, Kenya, Cambodia and Ukraine.  Each person has much to offer, and all marriage-focused ideas help in ways you may never know.  Someone out there needs your help through your shared idea or offered thought.  Have at it! ENJOY!

Head to the DATE NIGHT: Add Yours! tab at the top of this page (or click the link above) and give us your tips and topics for a great date in the comments section at the bottom of the page.

Looking forward to reading and sharing with you.  We all need it.