Let's go back to, "
And then he didn't."
My husband didn't have an "Endless Patience" button for me. I didn't realize how difficult I made it for him to share feelings or ideas. When he offered a view I closed the blinds. Hindsight lets me see that I wanted status quo ... no changes unless they felt good immediately and didn't require me to concede anything. I had no idea. I was completely blind to the faults I had that caused him to fall into a way of life that merely included me as an annoying roommate. I had no idea my lease was up until he began acting out in ways I could not understand, withdrawing from activities that involved me or the kids or faith, and working more and more, filling time at home with his eyes fixed on a computer monitor.
"A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion." Proverbs 18:2Now, in hindsight, I see it, how foolish I was. I brandished my opinion like my own Sword of Truth. My husband scoffed at my encouragement because it focused on what he could do for me in action, thought and word. God has given me the ability to see the things I did or said that knocked my husband to his knees or took the wind out of him. Today, I know that it can take as little as a slight facial expression or a poorly-placed "no" to turn the man I love into a forlorn, put-down version of himself. The scales have fallen from my eyes; God gave me vision I have never had, and I take advantage of it for building this man up rather than in blindly tearing him down.
At the time of my blindness, I could not see that my husband's frustration came from miscommunication and neglect. He could not see that my argumentativeness came from feeling unimportant and invisible in his eyes. Neither of us knew how to listen to the other effectively, though we could repeat word-for-word what the other said. We argued without resolution when each of us desperately wanted the other to understand and affirm our deepest needs and desires and repeated them fervently to what we believed were deaf ears.
"A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back." Proverbs 29:11We vented. We vented selfishly when we should have done so
selflessly. We argued for ourselves when we should have made amends for each other. We focused on ourselves when we should have focused on each other. Hindsight allows us to go the right direction now, seeing past patterns and stopping ourselves before we start down the road to habit. Bad, bad habit. If we don't stop ourselves immediately, hindsight steps in again -- with a horrible deja vu-like feeling -- and makes us realize we have taken the wrong turn. One of us puts up a white flag and says, "Wait a minute. We aren't going to do this. Here's where we're going, now let's go this way, instead." Interestingly, with healing and learning through God and those he has placed in our path, neither of us feels offended by a sudden call to halt, and neither of us gets his nose out of joint when the other has a better idea. Thank you, God!
We did not know our communication styles were hurdles. We left morsels of goodness and decency for the other to find, and when they went unnoticed we put another brick in the wall of bitterness. We hurt independently of one another. When one of us tried to share the hurt, the other tried to "one-up" the other, never acknowledging his/her part in the hurt, or trying to make it better. Instead, each of us waved flags of our own, trying to receive the notice and attention we craved but couldn't seem to get.
In hindsight, we had stomped all over our wedding vows in lieu of selfish attitudes and 50-50 living. Vindicating ourselves entered the atmosphere, and that means pride. Pride never helps anyone in a relationship, especially a marriage relationship, unless the pride focuses on the qualities and abilities one spouse finds beautiful and wondrous in the other.
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. ~~Proverbs 11:2Had either of employed
foresight, we would have avoided most of the turmoil. We attended a marriage seminar, which had us laughing and sharing, and focusing on what the other person needed to do. The humor further vindicated our own efforts at plugging for SELF. Go, team, eh? We each were an embarrassment of faults and finger-pointing. I more than him. From the start of our relationship, my husband admitted shortcomings and wanted to work on them. I took the invitation and rolled with it. Steamrolled, more accurately. As a person with a teacher's temperament, I wanted nothing more than to help this man, to love him and to guide him to higher self-esteem, and to confidence in his God-given talents, and to assist him in whatever areas of difficulty he had. Little did I know, every time I reached out, he drew back. I reached farther and he retreated. Evidently, I saw this as a challenge, but by 12 years and 2 children into the marriage, he had moved to another room to avoid my reaches. I tried to talk him into joining the family, and he felt -- and stated out loud -- that all I was doing was pushing him away.
"Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered." Proverbs 28:26I had great faith in my own abilities. I don't think I prayed at all on my own for at least 3 years of this confusing and disjointed war. I helped children with bedtime prayers, said a blessing at mealtimes, and prayed in church. How holy of me. Because I left God out, my husband found anything faith-related I did nothing but hypocrisy. I went through the motions like a champ. As such, Christian music burned my husband like a brand and prayer cut him like a knife. He found excuses to skip church. He had too much to do to attend our children's events. More confused than ever, I asked our small children to invite him in. He pushed them away, too. All because I did not understand that men don't respond the way women do. In hindsight, I still would not have succeeded because I assumed I knew what he needed and I barreled along, jousting with my own pole of selfishness and self-righteousness. His shield of protection consisted of wounded emotions, ignored needs and a crushed spirit bound in utter confusion and loneliness ... all because the one person who took his side and cheered for him early on seemed -- to him -- to have switched teams. How abandoned he must have felt. How appallingly lonely.
"Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, ..." Titus 3:1-11That said, what about hindsight? Well, for one thing, it can protect us from redoing something we shouldn't have done the last time, either. Not eating that extra cookie, not saying that thoughtless remark that started the argument, not buying that new sweater that put the budget over the top, not talking to that opposite-sex person and putting our faithfulness at risk. Sin starts as a small thing: do it once and it causes a stir of some kind (good or bad), and we revisit it. Our free will from God allows us to avoid the next visit to Wrongville or it gives us the nod for just a little more, and a little more, until we're held fast by our own pride and unwilling to admit the sin.
"But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it." I Corinthians 10:13God knows. And He does have mysterious ways, making everything work for good. He will give us an exit plan if we look for it, but when we feel mired by sadness, lack of intimacy in a marriage, lack of connection in a family, the sin looks much better than the lonely road. Take the road less traveled, though, as anyone who has taken the wide way to Wrongville will tell you -- the end result may give you that glorious hindsight, but foresight trumps it, hands down. The road we travel before we find hindsight may fill us with pain, or it may poke at us a little bit and make us uncomfortable. No matter what road we know we shouldn't travel, God will find a way to direct us back to Him and to the right path.
Hindsight makes a great travel companion, but foresight, brought to us by God to assess what comes and to make the right choices, will bring a better outcome. We need to use our resources: our Bibles, our prayer time, our Christian friends and family, our pastors, our church families and those God puts in our path to assist us sometimes with the foresight necessary to make right choices. Use your resources, and if hindsight is one of them, take the opportunity to pass it on to someone else who you find leaning toward the path you now know better than to take.
What are your experiences with hindsight? I'd love to know!
For Part 1 of this article,
click here.
