Are You a Marriage Pilgrim or Fugitive?

In 1620, the Pilgrims arrived in Plymouth, Massachusetts, their chosen location for a new way of life and freedom to worship God as they chose.  They had a destination in mind, and they put all their effort and thought toward that one pinpoint on the map.  When they sailed in sight of land, the collective "Hurrah!" from the travel-weary passengers must have rung throughout the heavens.

Pilgrims.  Destination known.

In 73 B.C., Spartacus led an uprising of slaves against the Roman Empire and fled as a fugitive from the Romans for two years.  Not wanting to suffer at the hands of the Romans, known for harsh prison conditions, torture and getting their prey as close to death as possible without going over the line, Spartacus took the role of fugitive.  Never safe for long.  No end to running in any direction that appeared safe.

Fugitives.  Destination unknown.  

In your marriage, which role do you play? Do you have a destination in mind that will make marriage more satisfying and allow for you and your spouse to grow together and build intimacy? Do you act as a fugitive and run at the slightest sign of discomfort or danger to yourself?


Stay and Work or Run and Hide?

Anyone out there not wanting to take the pilgrim route?  Planning, instructions, learning, praying, and a definite direction take the important roles in moving toward a solid, healthy marriage.  When you follow the plan you find yourself putting forth a lot of energy and time, but when you do, you find yourself reaping rewards at various intervals, and you can feel and see yourself and your husband moving closer to the goal.  You not only get a glimpse of a healthy and happy relationship, you begin to feel it, to know that it will last, and to feel fulfilled in your marriage.

Yet, how many times do we run and/or hide?  Maybe you run at the merest suggestion of conflict.  Perhaps you hide from the truth about yourself or about what your marriage really looks like on the inside.  You may run to what looks like a safe haven when you aren't on good footing in your marriage, and find yourself in deeper trouble and then set out to run from that.  The fugitive style of handling marriage promises lots of work for very little return.  You may run for months or years and find yourself farther away from comfort and love.  You can work very hard on your own spur-of-the-moment plans only to find yourself caught by another wave of distrust from a husband who not only can't read your mind, he doesn't understand that women and men are so different.


The Pilgrim Perspective

I say we do the pilgrim thing.  Take the plan (the Bible -- specifically Ephesians 5:21-33) and work toward each known aspect, keeping our focus on respecting our husbands and showing loving kindness in many small ways every day.  The greatest news lies in the fact that our biblical instructions come in a very short list!  Submit (honor, defer to, work closely with) to my  husband and respect him.

These two requirements cover everything, and if followed closely and with great care, they will lead you right where you want to go.  When you have had plenty of practice with respect and submission, you will find you have learned more ways to expand your horizons in marriage in godly ways.  You will learn to thrive as you head toward your destination.  You will no longer wonder, but wait for more and better.  You will, by following His plan and praying through your days, grow closer to God.

You will fail many times.  You will retrace steps or go off the path to check out someone else's travel route.  But, when you resolve to take that pilgrimage to a biblically sound marriage, you will never want for more.


The Fugitive's Route

The fugitive route will get you pretty far -- far from anything solid and safe.  You will beg for scraps from your mate, work furiously on your own agenda and promote your own motives with your actions and reactions.  You will look to people around you for guidance (human frailty) and short-lived successes that will fail in short-term and frustrate you in the long-term.  You will continue looking for more and better answers and keep running hither and yon ... searching.  You will seek and never find.  You will grow tired, you will compare yourself to others, you will feel like quitting.  Your hope for better will dim.  You will turn to friends before turning to your husband.  You may find relief in other relationships.  Your marriage will continue to thin as supply outweighs demand.  You will be a prisoner of your own inability to find peace and solid ground that you can claim as your own in your marriage.


It's Not Ancient History

Marriage is a timeless means of connecting a man and woman in a relationship that can and should last a lifetime.  No matter how many years they have together, a husband and wife will find joy and oneness together when they follow a time-tried route.

Everyone's marriage will differ in scope and sequence, but the basics will show.  Love.  Respect.  Mutual submission.  A help-meet woman alongside her leader husband.  When you meet a couple who lives out their marriage this way, you know it.  They have contentment.  They have trust and honor in their lives.  They don't waver, they don't search outwardly.  They don't envy nor do they boast.

From Adam and Eve to you and your husband, any marriage that has followed The Plan and has looked to the Author of it for guidance has found it.  Those who follow The Plan want to share it with others.  It works.  When taken seriously and lived fully, it never fails.

Get into Ephesians and see how simple the directions appear.  Pray on them.  Resolve to imitate them, to live them, and to not look back at what the world has to offer.  The Bible will never change, while the world will change often and to the detriment of those who follow it.


What have you discovered when you have looked to the world for advice?  
If you have "gone Bible" in your marriage, what was the easiest part?  The hardest? 
How do you present a biblical marriage to someone who wants better?

Communication in Marriage: Keeping Emotions in Check

Growing a marriage without a good communication system is like growing a garden without watering it.  Communication needs to flow freely without holes, breaks or blockages in the line, and without forgetting to do it.  Gardens die from lack of water.  Do you think your marriage can survive a communication drought?  Mine couldn't.  Restoring conversation helps revive all the rest of a dying marriage.  It takes some planning, lots of prayer, and loads of self-control.  You just don't throw garden seeds everywhere and drown them with water.  You prepare and you work carefully, attending the garden every day, in order to enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Communication in marriage is no different.  Let it go, and weeds will choke it, lack of water will scorch and wilt it, and sooner or later, you'll have pretty much nothing to show for what you started.


How Emotions Can Run Rampant in Communication

Emotions hold a place in marriage alongside communication, but they act more like roots in the relationship, running underneath everything we think and experience.   Our emotions depend on abundant communication opportunities to allow growth and to sustain the relationship with a strong system beneath the surface.

Communication covers every aspect of marriage, while emotions support marriage in a more systemic way and shouldn't come to the surface to have a say every time we attend to other matters.  Emotions, like roots, need protection, not fanning out on the surface where they won't do well when stepped on or twisted or cut.  They bruise easily.  Changes in the atmosphere (your marriage, life events, even the weather) affect them.

How can a couple handle emotions when communicating ideas or important matters?  It does take prayer, practice and good timing, but even in a discussion about where to go on a family vacation can go really well with a few choices to compare on a base of facts, pros, cons, and a good AAA Guidebook.  When a spouse has heartstrings attached to one of the choices and really dislikes another choice, allowing those emotions to broadcast freely may bring argument to an otherwise level discussion table.  Curbing those emotions by saying, "Before we get too far in the discussion, I want you to know that water parks scare the daylights out of me and I would worry the whole time about one of the kids getting hurt or lost and I would find it really hard to enjoy the trip," would allow for discussion of those emotions and maybe the couple would rule out that option, allow the husband a chance to calm his wife's fears, or talk it out and come to a conclusion that works for the relationship and family.

Feelings relating to a communication topic can come up for discussion beforehand, during, or even afterward.  What matters is keeping the emotions in check, not letting them take over and go their own way.

Big important point:  having strong emotions in a specific area doesn't mean you automatically win.  It does mean you need to discuss those feelings in order to move farther in your communication development.  It gets easier.  Some people discuss emotions very unemotionally.  Others need help putting a lid on their feelings in order to assess them and talk them out well.

No matter what, sharing those feelings as a couple brings you closer together in intimacy and understanding.  You will both win, even if one of you doesn't get your way every time.

We know a couple in which one spouse has no emotional control and gets her way most of the time and pouts, complains and makes life difficult when she doesn't.  Not a very mature way to behave, but that behavior happens quite a lot.  Maturing in life and marriage means learning to display an emotion with control over it, rather than the emotion controlling the individual -- and trying to control others, too.

Uncontrolled, emotions divert the topic of conversation and become the topic themselves.  Emotion can undermine, we just don't usually see it coming and many of us (raising hand) often react to it with equal emotion.  It's a Catch 22.  Don't let it go there.


We Can't Have Intimacy without Emotion

We need to share our feelings in order to feel understood and accepted.  Respect for the other person's feelings stands as the fence we sit on, and it's my choice and mine alone that allows me to hop down onto his side to listen and understand or to thump down on the other side and throw stones of contention at him in retaliation for having his own feelings.

When emotions barge into the room, they can create confusion and divert the topic of conversation to themselves, leaving the original conversation topic wilting in the corner.  Uncontrolled emotion undermines communication.  Controlled, carefully discussed emotion builds a couple into something stronger.  Without emotion, how would intimacy exist?

Good communication skills keep the emotional roots in place by taking the time -- separate, mutually-agreed-on time -- to understand the feelings within a person in many areas and many time frames.  This takes some patience and understanding, and willingness to listen and accept feelings from the past that may have nothing to do with the marriage, but have everything to do with each individual and his or her emotional strengths and weaknesses.

Is it any wonder that many people say a lifetime isn't long enough?  We married people need to buckle down and get to know each other, right down to the roots.

It's hard to wrap my mind around how diverse husbands and wives really are, and knowing the depths of my husband, alone, it's quite an undertaking to know him well. I know most of him, at least I like to think so, but he digs deep to share feelings from his youth or childhood and surprises me with the depth of those feelings.  We trade memories and observations that link to feelings and we extend our roots deeper still.

The emotions, the deep feelings exist.  As a wife, I need to take the opportunities my husband offers me to listen to his feelings without judgment, without voicing an opinion for any reason, without trying to assist him, without any of me in there at all.  I need to let him share.  When I do my part -- listening -- I grow closer to him, learn about him, and take that knowledge along with me into other conversations.

When we discuss an issue on any subject, I can feel or hear when one of his emotional roots has taken a hit.  I can do this because he has told me how he feels in many situations in life, and how he feels like reacting and why those reactions want to come out.

With each conversation, I learn more.  He does the same for me.  We each have to practice this skill and remember to think, focus, understand, empathize, and allow ourselves to bond with the person sharing, reaching out with our own emotions and creating a deeper intimacy.


Will We Ever Get Emotions Under Control?

We're getting pretty good at it, after many early mistakes that bring back those old feelings of futility and anguish that makes hearts hurt.

We make mistakes.  We have some not-so-proud moments during which someone gets unduly irritated and lets it show without any control whatsoever.

The good part, the reason I know we have changed and have hope for more, is that the other person always says, "Wait a minute.  We aren't doing this."  And the the other says, "You're right."

Admitting that is a huge step all by itself.


Can You Do This Alone?

Yes.  And no.  You need God through all of it, if your husband jumps in with you or not.  The supreme power and grace of the Father will show you the way and give you what you need to keep going.  Praying for your husband's acceptance and softened heart will do wonders, too, even if he joins you in this endeavor.  We can all use more acceptance and softening, I think.

Always keep in the forefront of your mind that you can change only yourself, and you can keep only your own emotions under control.  It happens by refusing to fight, refusing to take the bait, refraining from thinking, "He doesn't bother, why should I?"

The "why should I" sits right here in I Peter 3:1-2 --

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct."

Respectfulness and purity leave no room for snide, rude comments or the silent treatment.  They require self-control, prayerful guidance, loving action, carefully tended thoughts of positive things, and thankfulness for all the small steps toward emotional maturity.

Without emotional maturity, what are we?  Nothing more than tall toddlers.  That's what.



Related Articles:
Bridging the Communication Gap with Your Husband
Disagreement Done Right IS Communication
How to Share Feelings in Your Marriage
How to Talk so He Will Listen, How to Listen so He Will Talk:  Deciphering Husbands
Ladies Before Gentlemen:  Making Marriage Changes
Think Before You ... 
Share Those Feelings ... Ante Up!
Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting
Your Wifely Approval Rating

Serious Side-Effects of Being Married to Me

What shortcomings, wrong-doing and negatives can you list about your husband?

Now, think about these:

What shortcomings do you own?
What wrongs have you done today?  This week?  This year?
What do you do that bothers your husband?
What personality traits do you portray that could use adjustment or annihilation?
What grudges do you hold?
What walls have you built between yourself and your husband?
What judgments/assumptions/misgivings do you have about your husband in any way (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional)?

Who feels easier to assess?  Which person do you know better?

In Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "Now You're Speaking My Language", as well as in his live marriage seminars, this question comes up as a though-provoking beginning to improving a marriage.

The first time I encountered the exercise, I could easily list several things about my husband that irritated me, made me angry, caused me to doubt him in several ways, and drove me farther from him.  His faults.  His sins.  His inability to please ME.

I had a terrible time coming up with anything about myself.  Sarcastic.  Stubborn.  Hmmmm ...  DONE!

After learning to look at my own long list of of serious side-effects of being married to me, I do not feel ashamed to examine my trouble spots.  I have shined the high-lumen output of God on myself (I prayed, asking God to show me where I fail and where I need to work on ME) and learned that I can face my human failings and make changes.

I thought it would hurt.  I thought I would appear weak.  I thought my husband would gloat.  I thought people would wonder why I act different and that I would feel others watching me.  I thought I would feel exposed.  I thought I would feel ineffective in my roles as wife, mother, daughter, sibling and friend.

It just so happens, I felt the reverse.  I felt healed of the nagging irritation of needing to look "perfect" in various areas of life.  I felt stronger as I proceeded, discovering bigger faith and more ability to trust God with everything.  My husband, straightaway, began leading me and our family without a hint of self-importance.  Other people began coming to me for advice in several areas of struggle -- and I hadn't said or written a word about my introspection and subsequent changes.  I felt open to the situations of others, and a great need to share my  own struggles to help them understand theirs.  I tuned into my roles in life differently -- I found I didn't have to juggle anymore, that help came through my Lord and  Savior, and by guidance of the Holy Spirit ... not through my own thoughts or desire to manage life to my own "just so" view.

What did I come up with?  Lots of female tendencies, which sounds sexist, but I'm a female, too, so bear with me as I share a few.

- dodging the truth -- this means not lying "completely", but withholding some of the truth to make something look less ... wrong?  Example:  When asked the cost of a purchase, round down from $20 to $15.  I still don't know why I ever thought this mattered.
- controlling behavior -- using the mind set that I wanted to "smooth rough spots", I managed to script conversations I wasn't part of but jumped into anyway, micromanage activities involving my husband and children working together, attempt to translate child's needs to my husband so he could "understand", and so forth.
- independent decision-making -- no problem when ordering a meal for myself or deciding what to wear today, but that wasn't my limit.  I signed children up for activities, made plans for evenings or weekends, or made purchases ... without consulting my husband at all, and sometimes telling him about these decisions at the last minute.  No joy comes from this.
- arguing to avoid facing facts -- this one is difficult to detect.  You don't know you're doing it until God helps you see, and then he makes it so obvious you have to stop ... you can't stand yourself anymore.  This kind of arguing happens when a husband says, "It really bothers me that you do _____."  When you counter-attack with a shortcoming you notice of his, you belong on this bandwagon.
- going out for coffee -- What?  Really?  Also known as "Empathizing with Other Wives in the Same Boat", this behavior happens when someone says, "Can you believe my husband did ______?" And you not only believe it, you add your own experience for everyone to hear ... and thereby judge your husband through your eyes.  This is sabotage and slander.
- devaluing my husband's needs -- I deflated my husband's needs by judging them, putting them into a self-tiered hierarchy, and then compared them to my unmet needs.  This serves in guaranteeing not only a stalemate, but accounts for about 2/3 of the Wall of Resentment built between us over the years.
- adopting a "holier than thou" view -- as the "stronger Christian", I patted myself on the back for seeing my own brand of righteousness at work, and seeing my husband's sins so clearly.  Classic "Plank and Speck" at work (Matthew 7:3).

If you can identify even one of these in your life, you still have some work to do.

I learned these behaviors over time, and I could create a timeline noting approximately when each began and the times in our marriage when they grew or shrank in intensity.  I took on some tendencies for reasons of self-preservation.  I took on others in the desire to not lose control of situations.  I took on all of them with the deep desire to make our marriage better!

Any one of these tendencies brought destructive results that continued to build with every unresolved conflict and with every scornful and self-righteous argument.  I could easily explain any of them away by applying logic in the "if-then" schematic.  If he did X, then I did Y.  The truth is, I made the choice to "do Y,"  and could have turned the whole situation around with a simple act of humility.

I did not have humility in relation to my husband.  To everyone else in the world, yes, but not for his benefit.

The side-effects to being married to me in the days before I began taking on these behaviors were encouragement, support, gently-offered wisdom, refuge from the world, acceptance, honor, respect, easily-shown love, openness, truth, and humility. These characteristics own the opposite effects of the bold list above.

Which list of side-effects look better on you?  Which do you want to see reflected from your husband?

You want side-effects as you work at your marriage.  You want the ones that seriously, without a shadow of a doubt, make your marriage strong and better than you ever could have imagined.  Loving actions trickle down, my friend.  When you've turned the corner to working WITH your husband (dual focus) instead of FOR your marriage (singular focus), you see the benefits -- no maybe, no mistake.

You do it through prayer.  You do it by looking deep into YOU.  You fix YOU so he can find his way again.  He won't find you in shadows or promises, he will find only real, fought-for changes that will show without a search party or strong light.  When you change YOU, the light shines and spreads. You can be a light in someone else's darkness.  Your husband makes a fine target audience.

Honoring the In-Laws

We're hitting the road.

This weekend marks the 50th Wedding Anniversary of my husband's parents.
We will make the long-ish drive to visit for the weekend.  We will go out to dinner.  We will present them with a gift that will make a great memory and that we know they will enjoy.  We will eat cake.

My in-laws' anniversary lands just a couple of days after Valentine's Day.  My husband and I celebrated Valentine's Day in our usual, subtle style, but when all is said and done, the day really means "showing love in special ways."  It's a "wear your heart on your sleeve" day for good, not for the usual meaning of the phrase.  Let your heart out of captivity ... let it roam free to love the one you married, and throw your kids in there, too.

I look at this anniversary celebration, following the one festooned with hearts and flowers, as another day marked by hearts and flowers.  Marked by the same hope many people feel as Valentine's Day approaches and progresses.  Love has a future.  Love doesn't begin on one certain day, but gathers momentum in small ways.  It builds and continues to build through years of varying emotional states, life experiences and consequences of actions and words.  Love brings people together, and it's love that makes them stay that way.

If these two people hadn't agreed together to join in holy matrimony, I would not have the husband I hold dear, whom I love more than life.  I wouldn't have the life I have, the children we have produced.

We will make the journey and we will look past the idiosyncrasies that often bog down our thoughts, that can sway our decision on whether or not to shave hours off of a hard-won weekend to spend it on a highway for a day's worth of visiting.

We will celebrate the beginning of a lifetime of love, and honor its endurance.  While we celebrate, we teach our children a few things about honoring parents.

You make the time.
You make the trip.
You think about the good things.
You take action to show honor.
You avoid complaining, even when things go sour.
You persevere.
You understand differences of opinion.
You don't take anything personally.
You reflect Christ humbly.
You realize that you will be the parent one day.
You love now, because you might not have the chance later.

Enjoy your weekend.  Maybe even honor a parent or two along the way?

Love Is Not What You Expect

Love: In the Beginning

Give people the task of remembering first love (the early days of relationship) and find the reward of whimsical, sentimental half-smiles and a faraway gazes. Each one of the people remembering shares a common bond: unexpectedness.  First love comes unexpectedly and develops in unexpected ways -- but just once.
More than two decades ago, I expected to take a photography class with a weekly lab lesson.  I did not expect to fall in love with the lab instructor when our eyes met across a work table.  God had other plans and had paved the way for my husband to teach that lab, which he had not expected to do.  Fate?  No.  God.

Love leads people to participate in life, behave better than they usually do, enjoy every small gesture as if it will happen only once, live in hope of a next meeting, hold the object of affection in high esteem, communicate ravenously, discover new attractions to the other person, perpetuate the positive and overlook the negative, put opinions on hold in deference to forming a closer union, and look for similarities in word, deed, emotion, spirit and thought.

In new love, we try to connect.  We forge paths toward each other.  We bring together all the similarities we can find to increase common ground.  We put energy toward bonding them.  In short frames of time, we attempt to rewire circuitry in ourselves to better match our love interest.  We give the best of ourselves without asking for anything, but most definitely, we receive a return on that investment that comes by way of the other person's behaviors and words.  These things happen, and they feel automatic.

We make changes we don't mind making.  We make changes we don't notice we make.  We change.

We expect nothing from the other person, but cling to the hope that we will continue to receive as much as we give, but have absolutely no reservations about continuing to give.  That ability feels endless.  We will never knowingly conserve it or quit giving.

And we're right.  We don't do it knowingly at all.


Love: Forward to the Now 

After years (a few, several or many) of marital bliss followed by the invasion of reality that every relationship faces, many of us spare the giving because, guess what?  We are human.  We do not have an "endless" button.  The "automatic" of first love has moved toward the "systematic" of learned behaviors -- we focus on the behaviors our spouse has learned ... those which we detest.  Some of us have quit altogether.  And whatever the case, we have done it without knowing it.

Love is not what you expect.  It is not what I expect.  It begins without expectation and without tremendous effort, but it continues only with great expectation and with tremendous effort.

The trouble begins when we focus more on the expectation -- the expectation of what the other person will do.

We focus less on the effort -- the effort we put into the relationship.

As we move through our relationship, we need to reverse those tendencies.  Focus on expecting from ourselves the loving gestures we need to unearth, dust off and begin to give freely again.  Focus on the effort we put into our everyday encounters with our spouse, and into life itself.  Love with purpose.

Love is not a feeling.  Love is a series of gestures, mostly small ones, that require thought, a bit of planning, and a positive attitude.

We see those words all over the Internet and in media of all kinds, and we think, "YES!  I want that!"

We do want that. We want to feel it.  Be the object of it.  Act as the receiver.  Yet, each of us has to die to ourselves and live for God first and then for our spouses, in giving.  Love is not what you expect.


Rewiring Expectations

The rewiring of our expectations happens with our full knowledge, we cannot wait or hope passively.  The negative changes we have grafted or redirected through years with our spouses have happened in an "unknowing" state.  Why?  Because we have learned to cope rather than to address trouble head-on as we travel the road of marriage.  When we rewire around overloaded circuits we create a more mixed-up bundle of wires and the overloads still exist.  They arc and cause breakers to flip, and we flip it back and continue on around the problem, hoping to avoid the wires that cause the problem ... but not knowing which one.

Avoid the guessing.  Don't make one more electrical connection that doesn't serve to light love between you and your husband.

• Pray for open connections.  God has the job of Master Electrician in this area.  He charges no fees and his work is perfect.  He can work miracles you have never imagined.  
• Read all the verses you can find about love.  I don't want to beat I Corinthians 13 into the ground, but for goodness' sake, it's all there in beautiful prose.  The Golden Rule is shorter, and very direct -- do to others (your husband) in the way you would have others do to you.  Treat him the way you want to be treated.  
• Exchange some "Me Time" in favor of "We Time" -- make plans to take care of yourselves as a couple.  Work and play together, plan, hope, dream and expect good things.  We all need to take time to care for ourselves and to have a break once in a while, but balance holds the key here.
• Work toward oneness of *body, mind, spirit and emotion.  *(Physical intimacy feels impossible when you don't feel emotionally attached.  Your husband will feel emotionally attached when you engage with him in body.  We are polar opposites in our wiring on this.  Do what YOU can do to change this aspect of your relationship.  This is the area in which I made my first step -- and the benefits build on themselves).
• Don't expect perfection.  Marriage requires work, sacrifice, selflessness and time.  Some days, we don't feel like working, we don't want to give anything today, we feel selfish and feel pressed for time.  This is where we keep working at it, with no such phrase as "I give up" allowed.  Pray continually.  God will redirect you!
• Remember the good old days.  Memories of first love help us rewind and repeat.  Do this as often as you can because forgetting happens as life takes over and we lose that laser-like focus.
• Build on your successes.  
• Mistakes happen.  Try, try again.
• Focus on the little things.  Eye contact, a touch on the arm, holding hands, a hug, a smile, a little gift, a note on the steering wheel, a text or phone call -- the small things that make people feel noticed.  Do them.  Often.  
• Make it real.  No fake gestures allowed, no forced smiles.  Pray for the things you feel incapable of doing and find that wire coming alive and ready for connection.

With God, all things are possible.  Believe it, pray it, and watch it work.  Soon, you find your unspoken expectations have shrunken to almost unnoticeable levels and your marriage looks better than you have seen it in years.

Love is definitely not what you expect, but it's everything you give.

The Danger of Tunnel Vision in Marriage

The medical definition of "tunnel vision" states,

"Tunnel vision: Loss of peripheral vision with retention of central vision, resulting in a constricted circular tunnel-like field of vision. And, by extension, any very narrow point of view."  
(from www.medicinenet.com)

In yesterday's post, Tales of a Business Traveler's Wife:  Single-Mom Syndrome, I outlined some of what a woman might do when faced with parenting alone because of a husband's work travel.

Today, tunnel vision dropped into my mind, thanks to a comment I received yesterday.  Mainly, a tunnel-visioned woman cannot see the forest for the trees.  Too much focus on the details, not enough focus on the big picture.  She focuses straight ahead at what she must accomplish for her own peace of mind.  Then, she hopes that the entire picture will improve due to enhancement from her attention in one area.  I believe this is deception.  Self-deception, but also cultural and from The Deceiver, himself.

Women and men have the ability to use tunnel vision, but in different areas.  One short sentence will make a wife of any sports fan nod in agreement.

"The game is on."

Do not interrupt the game.  It's all he wants to see right now, just wait until the end, please.

However, when a woman sets herself to the job of completing a task, nothing can deter her, even an actual person interrupting by voice or motion.  She turns on the tunnel vision and engages in the activity at hand.  This works especially well if she has children and has learned that not every whine or cry needs attention.  She can differentiate between a child's needs and wants by sound.  She keeps at those dishes, finishes typing the document, folds the last shirt, and her work finds completion.  She tunes in again, checks the chore off the list and moves along.  Accessibility returns.

Sometimes, the whining and crying (so to speak) comes from her husband.  When his needs/wants begin to come around again and again like the proverbial squeaky wheel, a woman may tune them out rather than grease the wheel with care.  Worse still, a woman sometimes assesses the squeak, deciding on the "real" issue as she sees it, and decides whether her husband really needs that kind of attention, or has he just chosen to harp on that today?  How long can she hold him off this time?  Must ... get ... this ... job ... done.  She gives him the same assessment she gives a tantrum-throwing two-year old.  It can wait, or she pushes through it and it will go away.

This female behavior exhibits two things:  disrespect and control.  Danger zones, both.

As a woman, I admit I don't automatically stand back and assess myself, thoughtfully listing the areas in which I could use some work.  The Holy Spirit can nudge me, but I have channeled my thoughts to getting a task completed that I can guiltily tune out the small voice.  I miss the warning signs about imminent danger  -- the kind that throws discussions with my husband off the track and over the cliff into argument.  I exhibit disrespect and control, and we run right up to it in a discussion and I don't think, "Hey!  There it is! How do I get around this awful thing and move onto the better track?"  No, no.  Instead, I plow right on through, crashing the road block and ending up over the cliff again.

Tunnel vision, medically, brings danger to the person who has it.  Peripheral vision goes black, and only forward vision works.  Over-the-road truckers have to guard against this, looking side-to-side and up or down often, keeping the eyes moving, not focusing straight-on constantly.  The focus lies in avoiding harmful situations and preventing accidents.

Exercising the eyes while driving ensures we'll see signs, warnings, road blocks and detours around a danger zone.  Marriage and family danger zones offer similar warnings.  Unless we practice looking, listening and understanding, we will miss them, or learn to ignore them in favor of our own preferences.  Catapulting over cliffs again and again will teach us a lesson, but that manner of learning can also bring damage that costs considerably to repair and may leave terrible scars.  When possible, choose to learn at the appearance of the first sign, whether it comes in words, actions or attitudes.  Don't wait until the signs grow larger and more frequent, or until the danger looms ahead without a way to avoid it.  Find the right road to loving actions that bring peace, rather than barreling through into chaos.

The signs, warnings roadblocks and detours serve to warn.  They apply to me.  My husband's slumping posture, grimacing expression, exasperated voice and choice of words serve as warnings.  They alert me to something ahead that I can address, a problem I can help solve, a danger I can avoid.  My job?  PAY ATTENTION!

I can offer some good news on this tunnel vision.  Not only can a person change it (thank you, God ... I couldn't have done it without You), the vision gained after recovering from it grows more acute.  The precision of sight after failing to see for even a short time can make a person shout for joy at the clarity of recovered sight.  I promise that seeing all the colors, shapes, shadows and play of light will delight you, and make your marriage glow with a radiance you never saw before.  When you can see only what you focus on, you can't expect a beautiful mural.  You get a locket photo instead, small and contained without room to grow.

I know I've shouted out to the Lord on more than a few occasions.  When you've learned how to stop crashing the roadblocks and instead, find the detours and pleasant side routes that open before you, a person can't help but feel tremendous relief.  Marriage grows this way.  It takes different routes.  You can't expand the horizons of your relationship if you continue taking the same roads every time, and wonder why you always end up in the same place.

Always be sure to thank the Bringer of Relief.  The Author of Grace.  The Creator of All.

He totally cares.

Tales of a Business Traveler's Wife: Single Mom Syndrome

I do not claim to have the abilities, stamina and focus of a single mom.  I have only dabbled in the craft a true single mom must master for as long as God has her in that role.

However, I have lived a single mom existence in the short-term because my husband travels for work.  When a person has a spouse who leaves town for a few days on business, or on military duty for much longer periods of time, she takes on a very different life in comparison to those who live every day and sleep every night in the same home.

When I have parented alone I have done so with the knowledge that I will have my partner back with me in a matter of hours, days, or weeks, at most. When he has other roles in faraway places, I keep the  schedule going here, taking what comes as gracefully as I can.

Some days, that's not very much.

  

When I ran the show on my own, I didn't use an iron fist but I did sometimes sit in the Director's chair with a megaphone.  Some of the grace I might have offered got squashed by desire to get through the day without a hitch and with my sanity intact.  I didn't invite God in to guide me, and neither asked for nor took advice from anyone.  Not asking for God's guidance put me on the "I am" track.  I am in charge.  I am good at this.  I am responsible.  I am independent.  

I forgot one:  I am mistaken in thinking any of these.

The Single Mom Syndrome that this Business Traveler's Wife wired for herself had much to do with remaining as Director all day, every day, even when my husband had returned from his journey.  The will to remain in charge -- not lose an ounce of control over the home and hearth production, steeled inside me.  I couldn't lose the edge.  Couldn't let the cast go to another director who may ... gasp ... change the direction of the entire production! 

I had settled into my role of housekeeper, disciplinarian, fact checker, banker, taxi service, laundress, cook, personal trainer, hygiene attendant, gardener, and one-woman show very easily after years of practice.  Seasoned.  That described me.  I knew the ropes, all the lines, and how to deliver them.  I lacked only the star on my dressing room door illustrating my diva-nity.  

My husband probably appeared a mite confused upon his grand entrance into our home as he shook the cares of the outside world from his shoulders after each trip.  I don't recall these moments, too busy to pay attention to that detail.  He entered the scene to some, "Hi, Daddy" chirps and a peck on the cheek from his still-directing wife.  Feeling ill at ease at his "Director" status missing from the marquise, omitted from the script and a mere hint as a supporting player in future family scenes, I know he felt written out of the script at times.

He had only a bit part.  His speaking part barely existed, and I prompted him on it, believing he needed guidance.  He did not know the sequence of the daily scene.  More prompting from me, more of me believing he didn't get it.  The child actors did not always submit to his authority.  I stepped in to direct them ... and him.  He had little stage presence, looking kind of lonely and out of place against the activity of the rest of the players.  He began to wonder if his wife has written his character out of the production, and if his children even knew he existed.

When my bad acting finally dawned on me  -- like a giant, wooden disk-like sun falling full-force on my head -- it took more than a little practice, relearning of lines and rehearsal to get the scene back to a quality level again, worthy of performance on the home front and in the real world.  

Any wife can make these changes, whether her husband travels or not.  If a wife runs the show, directs the action and takes supreme creative control, she can change, with the help of God in self-control.  It took me years to figure it out, mainly because when our children were very small, they excited easily at Daddy's return, and my role more naturally swayed to his lead.  But, as the children aged and grew accustomed to the leaving and returning rotation, they took Daddy's arrivals home in stride.  Nothing new, nothing exciting.  Poor Dad!

In order to return my Dear Director to the privileges of his position, I did the following:

• PRAYED.  I had taken on a larger role for a long time, and had gotten out of hand.  I needed God-inspired guidance in this.  I couldn't and still can't do it alone.
• Learned to prepare our children (pre-teen age) for their dad's arrival, making sure they had cleaned up their messes and attitudes, and offered a proper, loving welcome to the man who provides for them.
• I remembered that though I could manage the entire production alone,  I didn't want to do it full-time, and that I hold the Assistant Director's role in our marriage, allowing my husband the Director's chair advantage and working closely with him to manage this difficult production called "Marriage and Raising Children."
• I gave up the desire to have things run the way I thought best, and learned to brainstorm, compare, contrast and blend the desires of my husband with mine, and follow his very capable lead.
• I had to remember that not every line started or ended with me chiming in with an opinion, an aside or a rebuttal.  Each actor has his own lines, and my preferences don't override theirs. 

My husband dove right in to leading again, sincerely asking my opinion, seeking my input in decision-making and even deferring to me in certain situations.  Sha-zaaaam!  Unexpected!

When I stepped into my God-given role of help-meet and left the leading to my husband, I relaxed.  He relaxed!  Our home life settled down to a manageable level of hubbub.  Our children still perform sibling rivalry at Oscar-level caliber, but they handle themselves with greater pride and look to their dad for guidance, usually more often than they look to me.  I'm the comforting parent, he's the action guy.

When I continually seek God's guidance in parenting and in marriage, and seek my husband's preferences, opinions and concerns next, I feel confident of the path to take, and find the Assistant Director's job easier than when I took a higher role.  Now, when I step up to lead in the absence of my husband, I don't try to outshine him, I don't act alone, and I can't wait until I can share any issues and successes with him.

I've discovered that the Director and Assistant Director work closely, and when the roles require some reversal, the change happens fluidly, naturally.  The way God intended.  When the reversal has served its purpose, we return to our roles without fanfare and with smooth transitions.

If I had paid attention to the Almighty Director in the first place, we would have suffered a lot less heartache, disappointment, failure and misspoken lines.  We would have shared the script, learned our parts and moved on to future productions with the grace God has offered all along.

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Real Marriage Done Right: Respect and Love

You want a good great marriage.  As a wife, you want to feel loved, honored and cherished.  You have a short list of attributes you assign to what loving actions mean most to you.  You have hinted, suggested, insisted, tried to persuade and possibly, in a heated moment, demanded several of them.  Sometimes, you feel at wits' end to communicate your needs to the man you love.

You do love him.

You do all the things you think will express that love best.  You keep his interest in mind and don't complain when he pursues them, though sometimes you wish he would pursue them less and you more.   Each time you give him his space, he seems to require more of it.

No longer newly wed, you may have unmet expectations.  You had a few years of near bliss when real life began to trickle in -- or it slammed in with the force of a tidal wave, and you felt unprepared for handling it.  No one told you this could or would happen!  You look at married friends, or at couples you see on the street and compare happiness with them, even though you don't know the first thing about their relationship -- their real relationship, aside from what you see or hear.  You suppose and assume and create perfection in others that doesn't exist, and then measure your own marriage against it.  You fail yours and pass theirs in your mind.

You can bet your bottom dollar your husband feels similarly. He may feel this even more than you do, and perhaps has had these feelings for a longer period of time.  He just hasn't said a word.

In my own first years of marriage, I did not consult the Bible at all, and the churches I attended did not offer any instruction.  I held the, "You repeat your vows, you kiss and show yourself as a couple united under the blessing of God, he carries you over the threshold and you live life together happily ever after", more or less.  Angels sing at random, too.  Bliss.  HA!  I had absolutely no concept of conflict, though it arrived in spades very soon ... over toothpaste tubes, over whether to pass a car on the thruway or not ... as soon as we let down our guards, as soon as we grew comfortable and as soon as we gave in to our real selves in our attitudes and actions.  Struggle, grasp at straws, worry, spat, struggle some more.  Because we don't have a clue what we're doing.

Yes, you want a good marriage.  A great marriage.  But how do you get there?  **Who teaches you?  Well, the Bible does, for starters, and always has.  God designed marriage for Adam and Eve (Genesis 2:18-24) and henceforth, all men and women.  Cultural changes brought by government or unchecked behavior brought changed social attitudes, but God's plan never changed.  It will never change.  Our culture has taken away the leadership role of men within marriage and family and culture and made it normal, acceptable and unquestioned in social circles.  It's high time we women take it back and help to put it where it belongs.  Our husbands need it.  Our marriages won't thrive without it.  Our children will repeat the frightening process, unless we work to stop it.  Unless we spread not only The Word, but the example.

Do Real Marriage, and do it right.  Get moving right now, no waiting.  The entire marriage covenant, no matter your city, country or continent, relies on a central marriage wheel:  a cycle of Respect and Love (for a great understanding of this, please read Love & Respect, Eggerichs).

Using Ephesians 5: 21-33 as a guide, any married person can find the link to successfully navigating the marriage path.  The passage reads:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing^[a] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

First off, don't hang up on the word "submit".  It does not mean what our current cultural mind-set would have you believe (slave, mindless, spineless, unworthy, weak, subservient).  It means mutual recognition of the relevance of the each other; putting the best interest of the other first.  To have the care and nurturing of your spouse in the forefront of your thought, putting him first in your life (after God), and focusing on his needs, and he, likewise, should view you in this way (vs. 21-24).  He may not, right now, but your focus rests on him as you begin this journey ... and ever afterward.

A husband should hold his wife in the esteem that Christ holds the church (vs. 25-30) -- keeping care of her, protecting her, giving his life for her.  This does not mean a doting husband or a pushover, nor a gutless wonder, or a martyr.  This means a strong, striving-to-be-godly man (whom you may not see on your horizon right now, but keep reading).

You marry -- he separates from his parents and becomes one with you; body, mind, spirit and emotion (vs. 31). These aspects take work, communication, trust, admiration, some pitfalls and struggles, but always forgiveness and understanding to pick up and keep going.

The last verse cuts to the chase, in effect.  In it, Paul (the writer, the apostle, the man who moved from killing Christians to planting and maintaining Christian churches, and who died for his faith) summarizes the whole thing for us by letting the husband know that his job lies in loving his wife as he loves himself; that the wife's job means respecting her husband.  Short and sweet, but the hardest tasks for each of the sexes!  God's plan in action.

These things don't come naturally for husbands and wives.  Men live by nature in a world made up of masculine codes of honor and respect.  Guys just know.  They know how much to say to each other, when to say it, and when to zip their lips (drama-free version).  Certain things will just never come up or happen between them, which they understand.  Manly "givens".  Women do not get this.  Why don't they talk it out and enjoy closure?  We do not come wired with that kind of understanding or view of the world.  Women, conversely, live by the heart, showing and sharing emotion continually, as naturally as breathing.  Women may share experiences and moments of high emotion in minute detail and other women understand.  No explanation necessary as a female.  You laugh, you cry, you feel anger, you worry, you rejoice, you feel sorrow ... and the women around you support you, or help you along the way without you asking.  The support simply comes.  Men don't get this.  No one asks, so you refrain from meddling, as men know to do.

Husbands, love your wives.  Wives, respect your husbands.

Being that I focus on wives' roles and continue to follow the path of respecting my husband in all ways (and sometimes failing), I can tell you, without a doubt, that the day I began showing this man respect, both quietly and overtly, he perked up and started showing love.

It felt like putting a quarter in a candy machine ... that automatic.  And, after spending a long, long time in difficulty and misunderstanding, that outcome fell like rain on parched ground.  I soaked it in and felt compelled and happy to do and say and experience more.  I happily hopped onto the Respect and Love Wheel and focused on keeping it going around.  The cycle runs very smoothly, offering relief, hope, and the respect and love we both crave.  Sometimes, I miss the mark, suffer a set-back, trip on a moment that finds me apologizing and rebuilding -- such as misreading my husband's reactions and acting without checking to see that we're on the same page.  By far, this process beats doing the misreading, receiving a negative reaction and then either stomping off in a huff, ignoring the reaction or trying to discuss why the reaction wasn't valid and that he didn't understand me, and please let me explain.  That, my friend, is the wheel of failure.  It never rolls smoothly, and keeps repeating the same negative cycle on the same bumpy track.

Some things you, as a wife, can do to get that Respect and Love Wheel rolling:

• pray -- prayers of guidance, thanks, need, praise ... for every step you take in this
• compliment him on a success or about something you like or that is unique about him
• praise him for work he has accomplished
• thank him for helping you, for providing for you, for being a good father, for odd-jobs
• pat his arm or wrap an arm around his waist in passing
• hug him for no reason at all -- and when he asks, you can tell him that, or give him a reason that feels natural to you
• think of the good points of the man, focus, focus, focus!
• when negatives enter your mind, refuse to entertain them -- invite the positives to take their place
• leave him a note in a place he will see easily; write something thoughtful or insightful about him
• let him know the moment you appreciate or really enjoy something he is/does or represents -- don't wait until later, he will soak it in more completely when it's fresh in his mind
• forgive the faults, overlook them, love the man you remember falling in love with ... you're drawing him out again
• when he makes a loving gesture, react well, and let him know you liked it
• pray some more

I have talked with many women who have found that the man they fell in love with still resides inside the downhearted, downtrodden, cranky, unloving, seemingly uncaring, and/or fallen from faith shell of a person who thumps around the house looking ill at ease ... whom they feel did not deserve respect just by the looks of him.

Here's a bit of news:  you probably don't deserve love, either, if we're going to measure it like that.  Did you ever consider that?  Chances are, you are no picnic to live with (there are exceptions, I am not one of them!), and you have lacked respect for such a long time it may take a while to get a really good reaction.  Do not give up, do not despair.  Find direction in prayer and in reading the Bible, reviewing this Ephesians portion often. 

The important point of the matter is this.  Someone has to take a stand and make a start.  Offering the respect your husband needs to feel wanted, needed and, well ... loved ... is not too much for you to do.  Start with a baby step or a giant leap -- you decide.  When you meet a rough spot, just please, please don't make the mistake of saying something like, "You know, I've been acting respectfully, telling you what you want to hear and trying to make you feel needed and I get THIS?"

You can feel the "fake" ringing loud and clear in a sentence like that and so will he.  Pray yourself into action.  Feel the small respectful items you offer grow larger as you re-see him.  Feel the loving feelings return, grow and multiply.

I'm excited for you to get going!  Hurry!  And smile, lady, SMILE!  You're on the right track!

**Married folk can find hundreds of bloggers out there in the ether, determined to share their experiences  to assist others with ravaged relationships.  Several of those blogs share space on my right-hand sidebar (over there ... -->  -->  pointing ... ).  These lovely, God-empowered people have found the Truth, engaged the Truth, and put the Truth to work in their relationships.  Some started out one-sided with God's prodding, others began as a healing from adultery or other infidelity, still others have always existed - through all the seasons of life so far.  Each one of them shares instruction and example, as well as encouragement and praise for those who take the first step.

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Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing

On any front, answering without arguing takes great responsibility.  It means thinking before speaking.  It means having humility and having respect for the speaker.  It means considering someone else's viewpoint without feeling led to offer another.  It means treating the speaker respectfully, the way the listener wants to be treated. 

Contradicting, second-guessing, offering opposing thoughts, opining, correcting -- all forms of arguing that some of us, dare I say many of us, use on a daily basis in conversation with those we love.  How often do we harpoon a husband's thoughts just as they've entered the waters of the conversation so we can avert certain discussions or avoid the usual conflict ... only to create another one with our argumentative speech?  How many times do we shoot down the ideas of our children, just as they're taking wing and rising toward more independence?


Those things seem straight forward, to the point, and plied generously with common sense.  Now, consider how often you use those positive reactions in real life.

Answer without arguing.  This lesson in "Ten Ways to Love" might stand out as THE ONE.  The one that we overlook or devalue because it forces us to face facts.  It encourages us to speak truth without tainting it with opinion.  It makes us really study ourselves and come to terms with our failure at listening.

Proverbs 17:1 illustrates it like this:

Better a dry crust with peace and quiet

    than a house full of feasting, with strife.

Happiness with only the basics, or disgruntlement with all other needs covered in full?  This does not mean a trade-off.  You can't give up the plenty you might have right now and suddenly find peace and quiet in your home or marriage.  A peaceful home, in both attitude and conversation, begins with everyone involved standing firm on the fact that listening attentively to others has to happen first.  Then, and only then, will engaging conversation occur, yet that depends on if, and only if each one involved in answering does so with the peace and mercy of God in the response.  

No arguing.

We once lived next door to a couple who had three children.  The father cared for them during the afternoon while the mother worked, and he liked to keep busy outdoors.  He kept the children outside with him, playing and running and sometimes helping.  We could see and hear them easily, as our home stood on the edge of their yard where most of their activity took place.  

Our clearest memory of that father and his children comes from arguing.  Each time their dad gave instructions, one or more of the children would answer with an argument as to why he or she did not want or should not have to act as he commanded.  The father would return the argument, hoping, I think, to cajole the child(ten) into complying with his wishes.  Not a day went by that did not present us with one of these argument-led encounters.  The give and take between the father and his children put him in a position of weakness.  Their disrespectfulness, exemplified in their refusals -- unwillingness to do as he said the first time, peppered the interaction with stress.

My husband and I vowed never to allow that kind of repartee.  Well, guess what?  We have allowed it, feeling the need for our children to understand our wishes and expectations, rather than simply expecting obedience.  The toddlerhood "why" moved right along into childhood, and we kept answering, even when the "why" grew manipulative.  We dropped the ball on the first throw, and have had to recover and start the game again many times, because we lost our control of the game in the first seconds.  

Adult interaction, especially between married couples, looks much different, of course.  We don't speak to a spouse with the expectation of obedience.  We do speak with the expectation of the other listening, understanding, supporting, and helping (if we ask).  

What we get may look like these examples:

1.  Him:  I see the weather forecast shows rain every day this week.

     Her:  Oh, I don't think it will rain.  You trust the forecast too much.

2.  Her:  We need to drive our daughter to soccer practice tonight.  This week seems so busy; it feels    

     hard to keep up sometimes.

     Him:  The kids have too many activities.  We need to change that.

3.  Him:  I'd like to focus on our budget and start saving as much as we can.  We haven't worked all 

     that hard on it in the past.

     Her:  But we have had more unexpected bills this year, more doctor's appointments, even for you, 

     and the cost of everything keeps rising.

Tension, even a tiny bit, leads to more strife and discontent.  These small illustrations lead to bigger altercations.  In many marriages and families, these short discourses end in loud and long battles -- over the weather forecast, a ride to practice, or a suggestion about looking out for the family's future.

How could the responses change?  

1.  More rain?  I hope that forecast changes during the week, do you?  

2.  I can drive her if you want to get something else done.  I feel the same way about the busy week, 

     but I'm glad the kids have the opportunities they do.  They have learned a lot.

3.  I know what you mean.  I wish we had more saved, and if we put our minds to it, I know we can 

     find ways to adjust our spending so we can save more.  Let me pull out the bills ...

Argument happens when we feel attacked or feel that someone blames us.  It happens when we feel at fault, or when we truly are at fault and haven't admitted it.  Argument happens out of habit, and out of need to have something to say.  Argument happens when a heart fills with negativity instead of positive thoughts and actions.

If you check your tongue in with your brain starting right now, you will see and feel immediate difference.  Kudos to you who answer everyone in kindness -- you make great role models!  As for the rest of us, purposefully process what others say and respond positively, with thought to their thoughts, with consideration.  Train yourself to enter conversation with the other person's feelings and perspective in mind and without the dire need to express yourself, no holds barred.

Remember, having only what you need in a peaceful environment beats having great bounty while you live in conflict.  I'd much rather have a chunk of bread and live with my husband peacefully than to have more than we need and choke on the leashed fury caught in my throat all the time.

Betting you feel the same way.

Other articles in this series:

• Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
• Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
• Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
• Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
• Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting 
• Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
• Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
• Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering 

 

Perfect Submission?

The most recent post by Elizabeth over at Warrior Wives prompted me to think on wifely (Biblical) submission.  The concept and practice of respecting our husbands has come to the forefront of marriage very strongly in the last few years.  Wives the Internet over, on blogs and on various social media discuss and debate the how-to and the wherefore and the why of honoring our husbands with the respect we, Biblically, have a command to give.

For review, we have Ephesians 5:33 to tell us very clearly:

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

Paul did not mince words here, he offered them point-blank without an invitation for debate.  The wife must respect her husband.  It doesn't matter what kind of day she has had, or what important opinion she feels she should pass along to him.  It doesn't matter what her own thoughts or preferences (ie "Controlling Methods") she would like to employ in the matter.  The wife should respect her husband.

Previously in Ephesians 5, just a few lines up, we read:

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."

Submit!  In everything! Paul creates a double-whammy here for those of us who feel independent, capable, and purposeful in the decisions we make. The trap we must escape takes the form of preferring to avoid a system that requires us to check with someone else (our husbands) in all things.  Biblically, we do not follow God's instructions when we put our skills to use ahead of our husband's instruction. 

I can safely and sorrowfully say I spent a large part of my marriage offering advice, instruction and alternate points of view to every word my husband uttered because I thought it helped.  Guess what?  I didn't.  

Rewind a few years to a day a technician arrived at our home to install wiring for a project.  From the time he arrived until the time he left, I heard and saw him field phone calls from his wife, which left him befuddled and pretty much stripped of what makes men MEN -- the ability to take charge, make decisions and lead in this world.  The role they received directly from God yanked out from under them by women.  I overheard the rising pitch of this wife's voice as she demanded and commanded the minutes of his day, and heard too clearly the husband's learned responses of, "Yes, honey," and, "I'll take care of that as soon as I'm done here," among other hen-pecked male responses.  This was a big-built man with some muscle and a mind of his own, beaten to the ground by a woman and her desire for control.

When my own husband arrived home, what did I do?  I immediately replayed the scene and announced to him how lucky he was that I didn't treat him like that.  I didn't even give him a chance to surmise it for himself.  I informed him of his good fortune.  Ugh!

I disrespected him and domineered just the same.  I simply did not use nagging and screeching sounds to manage it.  And, in turn, because I didn't fit the mold, I didn't think I did it at all!

What It All Means

The Respect and Submission Movement, the opposite of the 1960's Feminist Movement, makes a terrific place to plant oneself as a wife.  With practice, understanding, reading, studying and mentoring, women can find their rightful place in marriage and in life.  We do have a rightful place, and this does not mean at the top of the totem pole or at the peak of the pyramid. Every woman can join and every woman can succeed.  It takes focus, practice, the ability to learn from mistakes and to not build walls of resentment when our efforts don't garner praise or even slight notice from our husbands.  God is the target audience here, as we do our best to follow his commands and teachings through the apostles and directly from Himself and Jesus Christ.

 The feminist ideal would have us shedding the "dominance" of men and stepping out into an equal track ... in order to bypass men and beat them at their own game.  Society tells us we can have equality.  We can work full time, have the husband and 2.5 children, live in the trophy house and take at least one yearly lavish vacation, not to mention weekends away with girlfriends, mornings out for coffee with friends, and anything else our hearts desire.  Ah, the heart, as Jeremiah 17:9 states:

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

Our culture tells us to follow our hearts because our feelings will direct us and  never lead us astray.  Totally non-biblical and for anyone who has taken that bait, untrue in the reality of life.  

The heart is like a sieve.  What we think fills it.  What we do, say and want fills it.  What we prefer fills it.  What is fun, feels good, and relaxes us fills it.  What we should do, say, think and feel goes in it, too.  The true nature of the heart crushes and filters out on the edges, like pulp in a juicer.  The gunk we should throw away stays inside the sieve (our heart).  The good stuff, the honorable, the truthful, the just, the decent, the respectful and the submissive run off and we easily lose them.  We have to learn fresh, train our minds to fill our hearts with good things to outnumber what the heart will catch on its own.  

Warning!  Warning!  All That Glitters Is Not Always Gold!

I enjoy meeting women who have the respect and submission ideal going in their lives.  As with anything else, read, listen and study with discernment.  Pick and choose only what passes the truth tests you give.  If it's Biblical, it will also be moral and ethical and will aid you in following the right path.

Just beware the bling, please.  When reading or learning from any mentor or teacher in any area, be on guard for shades of grey.  Understand I am not a subservient wife.  I have strong opinions, I have the ability to run the show -- I choose to give myself the peace of following my husband's lead so I can enjoy being the helper instead.  The pressure is off, I don't have to be in charge every minute or at all. 

For anyone wondering, in the respect and submission realm, some of the shades of grey entail:

• veiled respect 
• the smiling, condescending pat on the shoulder that you would give to indicate you know he means well, but you know better.  Banish a "holier than thou" attitude and speech.
• manipulative praise, which includes praising him for things he hasn't done but you would like for him to do, thereby encouraging him in the direction you want.  Ugly, ugly behavior!
• biding your time, waiting long enough to make a husband feel confident in his decision, and then craftily offering your own plan as "just a suggestion", or doing it yourself anyway
• listening half-heartedly, but appearing interested on the surface, then saying all the right things to placate him, only to offer an alternative after asking if he would mind.  
• not really listening while nodding and making agreeable sounds, all the while thinking your own thoughts to counter his.  Again, "just offering an alternative" slams the respect level to the basement.
• asserting that you will back him up in his decision and then violating that assertion by debating his decision with someone else 
• saying, "Yes, dear," out loud and cherishing negative thoughts in your mind and heart, even if you don't act on them
• partial submission 
• accepting his decision to his face and modifying it to fit your preferences, even if it turns out the same in the end
• saying you back him up no matter what and then changing some variables to suit your wishes
• telling him all the right things to make him feel like a leader, and then doing the leading in part, without a request from him to join him

Sometimes, the offer of an alternative or an opinion or a devil's advocate stance really can help a couple communicate and to make the best choice, but a woman must learn to do so modestly, without judgement and without undermining her husband.  Most of all, she should do so without selfish or know-it-all motives.  

These things take practice, and they require sincere, heart-felt apology when they fail.  Respecting husbands and submitting to them as leaders of our households (clearly, abusive situations do not apply) cannot lead us down the wrong path.  

Thoughts?  Experiences?  Share them!