Communication in Marriage: Keeping it on Topic

Communication in marriage usually does not simply happen.  Some people communicate well right out of the chute, while others struggle to utter even a few squeaks of need or opinion even after years of togetherness.  Sometimes, two good communicators marry, sometimes two poor ones, and sometimes one of each.  No matter the pairing, each will always find something to learn about one of the main requirements of a healthy marriage (that's communication).

In our marriage, we began as excellent communicators on superficial subjects.  Work, grocery lists, getting the oil changed in the car, making plans for Christmas shopping, taking out the trash, what to cook for dinner, and so forth.  When it came to deeper issues, we clammed up until the situation had grown to monstrous proportions, and then the dam broke and ten subjects went under our individual microscopes at once, and onto the table of conversation in giant, tilting and toppling stacks.

Chaos.


Where Communication Almost Always Goes Wrong

My husband and I avoided discussing issues that might rock the boat.  Early in our marriage, we floated along smoothly, as if in a gondola in the Tunnel of Love ride at the amusement park.   We waited to talk about "big" issues until they grew unbearable to one of us.  Mistake #1.  Mistake #2 took the form of throwing everything out into the open at once.  Mistake #3 involved including strong emotion in the conversation, and then when we felt unheard or unvalidated or misunderstood, an avalanche of feeling hit the table around which we attempted to communicate.  Loudness happened.

Forget the Tunnel of Love.  We conversed in some sort of twisted Marriage Amusement Park -- where no one has any fun and we keep getting back in line for the same stomach-wrenching ride.  We would aim for the nice, easy Marriage-Go-Round, but end up in line for the Emotional Roller Coaster.   With each hill climb we'd gather our nerve and try to settle our uneasiness by drumming up diversional topics  and then let everything fly as we careened down the other side.

Avoiding discussion on the difficult topics will lead to derailing communication in marriage, but piling several topics on at once makes a complete train wreck pretty much inevitable.

Stick to ONE

We do have a choice.  We can stop the wild ride that continually loops and takes the same climbs, plunges, and reckless turns by stopping ourselves from getting on in the first place.

How?  Stick to one topic.

This sounds simple enough, but when a couple has learned to add topics to already-running arguments, it takes some doing.  We are doing it every day, and if two stubborn first-borns can, anyone can accomplish great things in their marriage talk.  It takes effort, self-control, consideration, kindness, and lots more self-control.


Behind the Scenes Maintenance

It takes looking your flaws in the face to communicate well.  In our marriage, I take everything to heart, while my husband sometimes seems to have no heart on some issues and views everything as either logical or illogical.

To keep these traits from upsetting the balance, we talked this out, first, as a sharing of opinion and experience with each other -- how we view each other when communicating on past difficult issues.  This wasn't a quick-fix for our discussions, and we do review what we know about each other from time to time -- we don't always see our own flaws, but our spouses sure do, and knowing how he perceives me makes a great difference to success in our marriage.   After you share your grievances and hopes about personality and tactics in communication, you're ready to make the move to sticking to the topic.

NOTE:  You may not have the ability to discuss these issues first for a variety of reasons.  You don't have to take this step, but it does help if you can manage to do it.


From Start to Finish

When I have an issue to discuss with my husband, possibly a large repair on a vehicle (financial discussions set our coaster rolling) I:

- gather my facts
- pray about the conversation
- let him know I have something to talk about with him and *decide on a time to meet about it
*the time could be NOW, so completing the first two in advance of making an appointment really has to happen first

Before we have our discussion, I pray again, and ask for guidance in sticking to the topic and not diverting or allowing myself to be diverted from it.  If the discussion happens immediately, quick prayers do just fine.  God can do great things on the fly.

When we meet for the discussion, I keep my tone level or a bit on the upbeat side and not accusatory or  demanding.  As we begin, I might feel uneasy, and I have learned to say so and to say why, such as, "I really don't like talking money matters, because it has been an area that has sparked arguments in the past -- I want to get that out there -- and I feel better about it every time."   This helps my husband to understand any trepidation over the subject, and allows him to see that I want to come out together at the end of it.

As we enter the conversation, I focus on my facts and on how I present them.  They can't just fly out willy-nilly, shooting down the hill at the speed they certainly have in the past.  Controlling my own thoughts and mouth does wonders for sticking to the topic because if I feel opposition coming I would much rather divert it.  Using self-control allows me to meet opposition and learn to handle it in a positive way.  Avoiding trouble is one of my flaws.  I know it, and I am learning to face and fix it.

If I meet with a diversion from my husband -- perhaps he brings up that I mishandled a past situation like this one, or he chooses to pick apart my facts (he's a detail man) -- I need to keep my composure and guide him to stay on the track with me.  Maybe he will bring up another decision we have to make with the "since I have you here" idea in his mind, and want to cover another issue or two.  Stick to one.   Not stubbornly, but kindly, and with a smile.  I have said, "Let's stick to the decision we need to make about this before tackling anything else.  We have the information, we just need a decision and I will do whatever you think best.  If you'd like, I don't mind discussing something else afterward."

Directing back to the topic immediately works, and both partners can pick up the ability with each new conversation.  You may have the blessing of a great first run and move on smoothly from there.  Others of us work at it little by little, making progress on a slower track, but it's progress, no matter how slow or fast.


Moving Forward

Sticking to a discussion topic may seem obvious, but in many marriage communication dilemmas, one or both spouses has no idea they have gone to another topic or added in three extra ideas to consider.  Once you begin staying on topic and handling diversions successfully, you may find you and your husband begin to bring up more individual topics throughout a day or week -- you may find yourselves talking more often, and about deeper issues.

Good discussion breeds more good discussion.  Marriage can only get better with that kind of talk.



What kinds of things have you tried to keep conversations running on the right track?  What has or hasn't worked?

Communication in Marriage: Keeping Emotions in Check

Growing a marriage without a good communication system is like growing a garden without watering it.  Communication needs to flow freely without holes, breaks or blockages in the line, and without forgetting to do it.  Gardens die from lack of water.  Do you think your marriage can survive a communication drought?  Mine couldn't.  Restoring conversation helps revive all the rest of a dying marriage.  It takes some planning, lots of prayer, and loads of self-control.  You just don't throw garden seeds everywhere and drown them with water.  You prepare and you work carefully, attending the garden every day, in order to enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Communication in marriage is no different.  Let it go, and weeds will choke it, lack of water will scorch and wilt it, and sooner or later, you'll have pretty much nothing to show for what you started.


How Emotions Can Run Rampant in Communication

Emotions hold a place in marriage alongside communication, but they act more like roots in the relationship, running underneath everything we think and experience.   Our emotions depend on abundant communication opportunities to allow growth and to sustain the relationship with a strong system beneath the surface.

Communication covers every aspect of marriage, while emotions support marriage in a more systemic way and shouldn't come to the surface to have a say every time we attend to other matters.  Emotions, like roots, need protection, not fanning out on the surface where they won't do well when stepped on or twisted or cut.  They bruise easily.  Changes in the atmosphere (your marriage, life events, even the weather) affect them.

How can a couple handle emotions when communicating ideas or important matters?  It does take prayer, practice and good timing, but even in a discussion about where to go on a family vacation can go really well with a few choices to compare on a base of facts, pros, cons, and a good AAA Guidebook.  When a spouse has heartstrings attached to one of the choices and really dislikes another choice, allowing those emotions to broadcast freely may bring argument to an otherwise level discussion table.  Curbing those emotions by saying, "Before we get too far in the discussion, I want you to know that water parks scare the daylights out of me and I would worry the whole time about one of the kids getting hurt or lost and I would find it really hard to enjoy the trip," would allow for discussion of those emotions and maybe the couple would rule out that option, allow the husband a chance to calm his wife's fears, or talk it out and come to a conclusion that works for the relationship and family.

Feelings relating to a communication topic can come up for discussion beforehand, during, or even afterward.  What matters is keeping the emotions in check, not letting them take over and go their own way.

Big important point:  having strong emotions in a specific area doesn't mean you automatically win.  It does mean you need to discuss those feelings in order to move farther in your communication development.  It gets easier.  Some people discuss emotions very unemotionally.  Others need help putting a lid on their feelings in order to assess them and talk them out well.

No matter what, sharing those feelings as a couple brings you closer together in intimacy and understanding.  You will both win, even if one of you doesn't get your way every time.

We know a couple in which one spouse has no emotional control and gets her way most of the time and pouts, complains and makes life difficult when she doesn't.  Not a very mature way to behave, but that behavior happens quite a lot.  Maturing in life and marriage means learning to display an emotion with control over it, rather than the emotion controlling the individual -- and trying to control others, too.

Uncontrolled, emotions divert the topic of conversation and become the topic themselves.  Emotion can undermine, we just don't usually see it coming and many of us (raising hand) often react to it with equal emotion.  It's a Catch 22.  Don't let it go there.


We Can't Have Intimacy without Emotion

We need to share our feelings in order to feel understood and accepted.  Respect for the other person's feelings stands as the fence we sit on, and it's my choice and mine alone that allows me to hop down onto his side to listen and understand or to thump down on the other side and throw stones of contention at him in retaliation for having his own feelings.

When emotions barge into the room, they can create confusion and divert the topic of conversation to themselves, leaving the original conversation topic wilting in the corner.  Uncontrolled emotion undermines communication.  Controlled, carefully discussed emotion builds a couple into something stronger.  Without emotion, how would intimacy exist?

Good communication skills keep the emotional roots in place by taking the time -- separate, mutually-agreed-on time -- to understand the feelings within a person in many areas and many time frames.  This takes some patience and understanding, and willingness to listen and accept feelings from the past that may have nothing to do with the marriage, but have everything to do with each individual and his or her emotional strengths and weaknesses.

Is it any wonder that many people say a lifetime isn't long enough?  We married people need to buckle down and get to know each other, right down to the roots.

It's hard to wrap my mind around how diverse husbands and wives really are, and knowing the depths of my husband, alone, it's quite an undertaking to know him well. I know most of him, at least I like to think so, but he digs deep to share feelings from his youth or childhood and surprises me with the depth of those feelings.  We trade memories and observations that link to feelings and we extend our roots deeper still.

The emotions, the deep feelings exist.  As a wife, I need to take the opportunities my husband offers me to listen to his feelings without judgment, without voicing an opinion for any reason, without trying to assist him, without any of me in there at all.  I need to let him share.  When I do my part -- listening -- I grow closer to him, learn about him, and take that knowledge along with me into other conversations.

When we discuss an issue on any subject, I can feel or hear when one of his emotional roots has taken a hit.  I can do this because he has told me how he feels in many situations in life, and how he feels like reacting and why those reactions want to come out.

With each conversation, I learn more.  He does the same for me.  We each have to practice this skill and remember to think, focus, understand, empathize, and allow ourselves to bond with the person sharing, reaching out with our own emotions and creating a deeper intimacy.


Will We Ever Get Emotions Under Control?

We're getting pretty good at it, after many early mistakes that bring back those old feelings of futility and anguish that makes hearts hurt.

We make mistakes.  We have some not-so-proud moments during which someone gets unduly irritated and lets it show without any control whatsoever.

The good part, the reason I know we have changed and have hope for more, is that the other person always says, "Wait a minute.  We aren't doing this."  And the the other says, "You're right."

Admitting that is a huge step all by itself.


Can You Do This Alone?

Yes.  And no.  You need God through all of it, if your husband jumps in with you or not.  The supreme power and grace of the Father will show you the way and give you what you need to keep going.  Praying for your husband's acceptance and softened heart will do wonders, too, even if he joins you in this endeavor.  We can all use more acceptance and softening, I think.

Always keep in the forefront of your mind that you can change only yourself, and you can keep only your own emotions under control.  It happens by refusing to fight, refusing to take the bait, refraining from thinking, "He doesn't bother, why should I?"

The "why should I" sits right here in I Peter 3:1-2 --

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct."

Respectfulness and purity leave no room for snide, rude comments or the silent treatment.  They require self-control, prayerful guidance, loving action, carefully tended thoughts of positive things, and thankfulness for all the small steps toward emotional maturity.

Without emotional maturity, what are we?  Nothing more than tall toddlers.  That's what.



Related Articles:
Bridging the Communication Gap with Your Husband
Disagreement Done Right IS Communication
How to Share Feelings in Your Marriage
How to Talk so He Will Listen, How to Listen so He Will Talk:  Deciphering Husbands
Ladies Before Gentlemen:  Making Marriage Changes
Think Before You ... 
Share Those Feelings ... Ante Up!
Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting
Your Wifely Approval Rating

Seven Marriage DIY Projects

Every marriage looks and feels different, both inside it and for those looking in from the street view.  We don't expect that, really.  As for me, I thought some sort of mold existed, and that my new husband and I would just snuggle right down into each role. Perfect fit, no trimming, no remelting.

We have melted and remolded.  It hurt a lot in some places and felt like a spa treatment (not that I've had one) in others.  Through all the valleys and at the top of every hill or mountain, we have changed.

In marriage, molds don't exist.  Instead, you have to take the DIY -- Do It Yourself -- approach.  You have a manual called the Bible, and you have an instructor we know as God.  He wrote the Book, so he speaks from it and about it with in-depth knowledge and a complete understanding based on experience.

In other words,  He has seen and done it all, and knows everything.  He doesn't practice, for He is perfect.  You can't have a better Contractor (Carpenter, Electrician, Plumber, Mason, and Lanscaper, too -- He does it all) than that.

In our marriage struggles and successes, for better or worse, in sickness and in health and for richer or for poorer, I notice some common projects that have a place in every union.  Yes, no marriage will ever perfectly match another, but every blessed one has some commonalities.

Seven Marriage DIY Projects

7.  Communicating.  Yes, we all talk, but we do not all know how to communicate our wants, needs, desires and reactions effectively.  Emotion must step aside and allow fact to stand as the measure of marital discussion.  Emotion has it's place, but not here in the framework.  Emotion plays an important role, but stands on its own, in a separate place.   I learned that the hard way.

6. Sharing emotions/feelings.  Knowing how each of you feels on a wide array of topics.  Not knowing precedes disappointment, discouragement and resentment, which build walls that shut out numbers 5, 4, 3 and 2.

5. Sex.  Having it often, scheduling it if necessary when life gets busy.  It's near the middle of the list because it's the glue that holds two the pieces of the project together. If you leave it out for long periods of time ... well ... the project will definitely become unstable.  Ask me how I know.

4. Friendship.  Many marriages begin with it, and some end without it.  Friendship needs to remain in to keep the common bonds, the connecting activities, and a general respect for differences each person will always have.

3.  Love.  It's the little things.  The fixtures that make the plumbing useful.  The paint and decor that make the walls beautiful.  The appliances that make the home functional.  The furniture that makes the home comfortable.

2.  Trust.  Trust runs through a marriage continually, like electricity.  Some switches or outlets don't see as much use, but in a pinch, you can count on them.  Trust maintains all the main functions of the build.

1.  Praying.  You can't successfully achieve Marriage without it.  I have tried.  We have tried.  Millions of people continue to try.  Use it well and constantly.  It will help you get where you need to go.

Get with your Contractor today to get started on the project that has been nagging at you for a while.  The interesting aspect of taking on a Marriage DIY project is that by handling one well, you sometimes ... dare I say usually ... work on some of the others along the way.  What better byproduct(s) can you ask for than that?

What kind of DIY plans do you have for your marriage?

The Danger of Tunnel Vision in Marriage

The medical definition of "tunnel vision" states,

"Tunnel vision: Loss of peripheral vision with retention of central vision, resulting in a constricted circular tunnel-like field of vision. And, by extension, any very narrow point of view."  
(from www.medicinenet.com)

In yesterday's post, Tales of a Business Traveler's Wife:  Single-Mom Syndrome, I outlined some of what a woman might do when faced with parenting alone because of a husband's work travel.

Today, tunnel vision dropped into my mind, thanks to a comment I received yesterday.  Mainly, a tunnel-visioned woman cannot see the forest for the trees.  Too much focus on the details, not enough focus on the big picture.  She focuses straight ahead at what she must accomplish for her own peace of mind.  Then, she hopes that the entire picture will improve due to enhancement from her attention in one area.  I believe this is deception.  Self-deception, but also cultural and from The Deceiver, himself.

Women and men have the ability to use tunnel vision, but in different areas.  One short sentence will make a wife of any sports fan nod in agreement.

"The game is on."

Do not interrupt the game.  It's all he wants to see right now, just wait until the end, please.

However, when a woman sets herself to the job of completing a task, nothing can deter her, even an actual person interrupting by voice or motion.  She turns on the tunnel vision and engages in the activity at hand.  This works especially well if she has children and has learned that not every whine or cry needs attention.  She can differentiate between a child's needs and wants by sound.  She keeps at those dishes, finishes typing the document, folds the last shirt, and her work finds completion.  She tunes in again, checks the chore off the list and moves along.  Accessibility returns.

Sometimes, the whining and crying (so to speak) comes from her husband.  When his needs/wants begin to come around again and again like the proverbial squeaky wheel, a woman may tune them out rather than grease the wheel with care.  Worse still, a woman sometimes assesses the squeak, deciding on the "real" issue as she sees it, and decides whether her husband really needs that kind of attention, or has he just chosen to harp on that today?  How long can she hold him off this time?  Must ... get ... this ... job ... done.  She gives him the same assessment she gives a tantrum-throwing two-year old.  It can wait, or she pushes through it and it will go away.

This female behavior exhibits two things:  disrespect and control.  Danger zones, both.

As a woman, I admit I don't automatically stand back and assess myself, thoughtfully listing the areas in which I could use some work.  The Holy Spirit can nudge me, but I have channeled my thoughts to getting a task completed that I can guiltily tune out the small voice.  I miss the warning signs about imminent danger  -- the kind that throws discussions with my husband off the track and over the cliff into argument.  I exhibit disrespect and control, and we run right up to it in a discussion and I don't think, "Hey!  There it is! How do I get around this awful thing and move onto the better track?"  No, no.  Instead, I plow right on through, crashing the road block and ending up over the cliff again.

Tunnel vision, medically, brings danger to the person who has it.  Peripheral vision goes black, and only forward vision works.  Over-the-road truckers have to guard against this, looking side-to-side and up or down often, keeping the eyes moving, not focusing straight-on constantly.  The focus lies in avoiding harmful situations and preventing accidents.

Exercising the eyes while driving ensures we'll see signs, warnings, road blocks and detours around a danger zone.  Marriage and family danger zones offer similar warnings.  Unless we practice looking, listening and understanding, we will miss them, or learn to ignore them in favor of our own preferences.  Catapulting over cliffs again and again will teach us a lesson, but that manner of learning can also bring damage that costs considerably to repair and may leave terrible scars.  When possible, choose to learn at the appearance of the first sign, whether it comes in words, actions or attitudes.  Don't wait until the signs grow larger and more frequent, or until the danger looms ahead without a way to avoid it.  Find the right road to loving actions that bring peace, rather than barreling through into chaos.

The signs, warnings roadblocks and detours serve to warn.  They apply to me.  My husband's slumping posture, grimacing expression, exasperated voice and choice of words serve as warnings.  They alert me to something ahead that I can address, a problem I can help solve, a danger I can avoid.  My job?  PAY ATTENTION!

I can offer some good news on this tunnel vision.  Not only can a person change it (thank you, God ... I couldn't have done it without You), the vision gained after recovering from it grows more acute.  The precision of sight after failing to see for even a short time can make a person shout for joy at the clarity of recovered sight.  I promise that seeing all the colors, shapes, shadows and play of light will delight you, and make your marriage glow with a radiance you never saw before.  When you can see only what you focus on, you can't expect a beautiful mural.  You get a locket photo instead, small and contained without room to grow.

I know I've shouted out to the Lord on more than a few occasions.  When you've learned how to stop crashing the roadblocks and instead, find the detours and pleasant side routes that open before you, a person can't help but feel tremendous relief.  Marriage grows this way.  It takes different routes.  You can't expand the horizons of your relationship if you continue taking the same roads every time, and wonder why you always end up in the same place.

Always be sure to thank the Bringer of Relief.  The Author of Grace.  The Creator of All.

He totally cares.

Communication: Chick Flick Versus Action Movie

Do you want to see a movie this weekend?

This question comes up just about every week at our house, and it means firing up the DVD player and snuggling on the couch to watch a pre-owned DVD (aka "we already own it") after the kids have hit the sack for the night.

If I pick, my husband figures "chick flick".  A girl movie.  A heart-rending (sappy) tale of a person facing obstacles and overcoming them, or romance (also sappy); lots of wooing, dialogue riddled with figurative speech and heart-melting lines (spoken by the leading man, of course).  I will cry, and my husband jokingly/lovingly passes a box of tissues.  Hollywood-ized life graces the screen, either from our 50 States or from various destinations around the world.  Music enhances the story line, sometimes foreshadowing events, sometimes coinciding with characters' states of mind.  Lots of weaving of lives and deeper meanings to unravel as we fall in love with love and leading roles.  Again.

If My Dear Man chooses the evening's film, chances are it will involve firearms of several varieties, possibly tanks, robots, or other cold metal, and have female characters who either play equally tough alongside the male actors or damsels in distress.  Conquest and heroism fill the screen from beginning to end.  No time for building characters and background scope, or tracing family connections and getting to know anyone.  Many characters don't live long enough for that.  Musical scores add to the artillery fire, and we usually have to turn down the volume.  My guess is that because the music plays so loudly the characters have to shout?  Or vice versa?  Yes, I jest.  It's just unusually l-o-u-d.

Interestingly, our movie selection odyssey mirrors our communication styles.   Minus the soundtrack.

When I have something to tell, I explain background, illustrate characters and their personalities, interweave plots, draw parallels and webs to get to a point -- the end, or so he hopes.  He trips on the massive script I provide, unable to tell the difference between the leading character and extras during my explanation of events that lead up to the conclusion.  During my monologue, you don't have to have been there because I will illustrate every bit of the experience in minute detail.  I don't cut to the chase well.  And well ... he's a man.  They're all about the action and just getting down to business.  Girls like the gloss.  Girls also interject, offering insights and sharing similarities, as well as give encouragement and sympathy or empathy.  My husband listens, but does not interject.  He waits until the end of the story, not always patiently.  Then he responds to each point, which sometimes feels like needles in haystack to him.

He, as you probably already know, when he has something to share he lays out the important information, just enough to carry out the plan, fix the problem or win the battle.  He shows excitement in describing some of the action along the way in great detail (special effects trip his trigger), but in my mind, you have to have been there to really appreciate it.  I listen intently, but don't always understand the bullet list of facts without some tying together by human relationships.  I try to interject or clarify, but that sounds like interruption to his male ears.  The importance lies in the action as it takes place.  I don't learn a lot about what people have said or about the setting, but I learn a lot about the activity and any gadgetry (tools, weapons, toys) involved.  Details.  Lots of them!  At the end, I attempt to draw parallels or interpret and go for closure, while he waves his arms like a referee indicating "no goal!" He has shared.  The end of the sharing makes the closure, like "The End" on the last page of a book.

We share one characteristic in our listening styles:  neither wants to wade through the details the other includes in his part of the conversation, but we hold our own details dear and want to express them to an understanding spouse.  My female brain wants connection, not cold metal and the results of it blasting a whole battalion out of a stronghold.  My husband's male brain makes connections based on nuts and bolts that hold together the important parts:  beginning, middle, end.

We also share a desire to know the ending.  If I can tell him the end first, he listens better to the details (but don't reveal a movie ending ... that's just wrong).  As for me, I want to know the ending so I can better trace the beginnings.

Confusing?

Men and women are opposite creatures with obvious but oppositional similarities.  Our habits and preferences differ, our mannerisms and speech don't line up the same way and our ways of listening and speaking vary ... and don't really meet anywhere convenient.

What I've learned is this:  After years of sticking to our decidedly male/female differences and carrying torches into divisive battle, we've had to learn to overcome our chick flick/action movie preferences in our conversation patterns.  I did the reading and the research and ferreted out the details that matter and presented them for discussion.  He took the necessary information into practice, but not to take prisoners or beat the opponent, but to work for peace.

We have each used our strengths to bridge the communication gap that often kept us far apart in understanding each other.  No matter how hard I listened, sometimes I heard only the noise of the confusion and fury.  No matter how hard he listened, all he could hear were the tiny details and interwoven, confusing webs of feelings overlying them.

I have made my goal to work at listing facts and providing ample detail, but not overdoing it.  I focus on making my point, but connecting it with enough lifeblood that he can learn about the people and the feelings involved. He feels free to ask clarifying questions and offer viewpoints at intervals.  Periodically, I stop to make sure he is on the same page and not feeling as if I have left him behind in a maze to fend for himself.

He works at providing the feelings behind the action, communicating how he sees the scene and why it holds great meaning for him so that I can listen, riveted to his telling, but also feeling connected to the story and not just a one-woman audience.

Changing how we tell each other about events of the day or about a particular need or obstacle has changed all the rest of our give-and-take.  We have learned to tune in, to pause the television or turn it off, to ignore the ringing phone, and to make solid eye contact.  We have learned to ask clarifying questions and to follow up the other's story with conversation that says, "I heard you and I understand.  I'm ready to talk further if you like," rather than convey a message of, "Now it's my turn,"by blasting off into a monologue on a completely different topic.

Although the chick flick and the action movie don't really serve as educational tools for marriage, they do serve a great role in understanding how we prefer to send and receive information.  They show how our differences play out, more or less, and provide a framework of not only our communication preferences, but our interest in sending or receiving a certain volume of information.  Bits and pieces or long, interconnected strings?

Taking the time to learn about his style of talking and listening, and tuning in to your own can help you make big strides in intimacy with your husband.

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How to Start Dating ... Again

I want to start dating again.  I only ever dated one man, and for only nineteen days in succession, so I don't have a passel of experience to offer, or many ideas of what to do.  My brain can freeze just  thinking about it: what to do, where to go, what to wear, how to act, what to say, how to say it.
 Scary. I need to get into it, but I'm so out of practice I hardly know how to start.

Breathe easy ... the object of my dating desire is the man I married.  I want to date him, learn to reconnect in that special way with him.  I want to recapture the simple things, the him 'n me time, virtually uninterrupted, all ours.  Time to look into each others' eyes, to sit long at a table and chat, to choose a movie during which characters might kiss and no one hollers, "Oh, YUCK!"

My husband and I had only a few Official Dates.  You know... the kind with dinner or dessert involved, maybe a movie or a long walk to nowhere in particular.  The kind that makes a girl swoon at every little thing, and shiver in anticipation at his nearness.  Maybe a concert or sporting event, or a drive to a beautiful vista.  The kind that finds you holding hands and really thinking about it.  The kind that makes you feel hopeful, full of joy, and still a little nervous.  The kind that ends with hope of a next date.


We participated in some dates like those and spoke for hours on the phone across campus and in person on long walks.  He proposed to me on a date that marked our college graduation and his birthday, and represented the number of days we dated:  19.  Then we started a year-long, long-distance engagement followed by marriage, moving away from family, a few moves to new apartments and homes, new jobs, miscarriage, the addition of business travel (for him), childbirth, and more distance between us without realizing we created it ourselves.

Our days of dating, as few as they were, had made us familiar with each other, bonded us in new ways, helped us see from new eyes, helped us eliminate life clutter and focus on our relationship.  Imagine that!  Dating consists of everything married life should.  We leave it behind for "more mature" endeavors, only to find they're the very activities that divide us or cut us off from the love we have known and cultivated at the beginning.  Instead, we sow seeds and leave them to grow untended.

Life events and overwrought psyches, insecurities and slipping attitudes drew us toward unfamiliar territory, which we began to explore in opposite directions and with greater irritation over the other person not willingly following in whatever direction we each decided felt right.

We forgot to connect.  We avoided discussion over hurtful things.  We forgot to anticipate time with each other.  We forgot to make special plans just for us.  We made work more important, followed by children and then "down" time -- when all the others weighed on us so much.  We had a handful of joy that buoyed us, but not often enough.  We roamed and found divergent paths in order to not have to think about struggling and to avoid discussing issues we found uncomfortable, except in heated moments when we let it all hang in dangerous doses with all the wrong words.

And we came back together.

God allowed us to fall apart so we could fall together.  Unite.  Find pleasure in our purpose together again.  Some people never do that.  They cut the fraying ties and run, often right to another person with similar issues.  They do the dating, they feel the infatuation, and then they start fraying just the same.

We started out by doing all those things we used to do nearly a quarter century ago to get to know each other.  We offered sincere compliments, we found fulfillment in conversation, we carefully noticed each other, we learned what made the other person tick, we learned the other person's joys and sorrows, pleasures and pain.  We made lunch dates, sometimes every day.  We took time away from our children to work on projects together or go shopping.

We made plans.  We looked forward to carrying out the plans.  We looked forward to making more plans like those very soon.  We looked forward to each other.

And that's dating!  

To keep up the great work we've accomplished so far (thank you, GOD!), I had a lightning-strike idea about 10 days before Christmas.  Preplanned, prepaid and packaged date nights.  A whole boxful, allowing for twelve dates throughout the coming year.  I wrapped the huge box for My Dear Man and wriggled and smiled a lot in anticipation of the grand opening.  I could barely stand the wait.

So I told a friend about it.  She went off like a firework finale and drummed up a box of her own for her husband's Christmas gift.  Her husband loved it.  They've already gone on their "first" date.

We're going at our dates a little more slowly.  In fact, as life would have it, we haven't gone on one yet.  I had to cancel plans based on a toothache (who can eat fried chicken and enjoy the severely misunderstood Scarlett and Rhett in "Gone with the Wind" with a swollen, painful jaw, I ask you), followed by children's and potential childcare-giver's illnesses.  Life will still get in the way, but so will this box!

 

It sits in plain sight, and we review it from time to time, anticipating.  This weekend will bring Scarlett and Rhett to our family room in living color, and we will feast on southern fried chicken and drink something peachy or mint julep-like in honor of the Old South.  We will date!  He will not understand some of the connections, I will have too much book knowledge, and we will both cringe when Rhett walks out, and we will have shared many things:

- an uninterrupted evening together -- just the together makes me smile
- a meal
- a movie and all of its history and lessons in perseverance (except for hanging tough in marriage!)
- our thoughts about what we're seeing (and about how much time will pass during it, I'm sure!)
- time, space, energy, self, knowledge, thought, interpretation, reaction, hope, hands, outlook/vision, understanding and anticipation

We're looking forward to date nights without actual dates assigned to them.  It feels terrific.  It feels like having someone pull out a ticket from a hat while you stand in the crowd, waiting and hoping.  Except that you get to win every time.

I encourage you ... beg you, even ... to share your ideas for date nights with those who visit this site.  We come from all over -- the US, Canada, Russia, Ireland, Poland, the Nordic Countries, the UK, Australia, Ukraine, China, Japan, Italy, Spain, France, Malaysia, Indonesia, Kenya, Cambodia and Ukraine.  Each person has much to offer, and all marriage-focused ideas help in ways you may never know.  Someone out there needs your help through your shared idea or offered thought.  Have at it! ENJOY!

Head to the DATE NIGHT: Add Yours! tab at the top of this page (or click the link above) and give us your tips and topics for a great date in the comments section at the bottom of the page.

Looking forward to reading and sharing with you.  We all need it.

Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing

As I work at listening without interrupting, adding that to my "Make My Marriage Rock" list of things to do, I read the next line on my list:  Speak without Accusing.

Do I do this?  I do.  I credit the marriage seminar my husband and I attended last year for tuning me into it, and, my goodness, the small ways it enters my speech horrify me.  I did not realize how lax my speech sounded -- so that the person receiving it (my husband) felt the need to defend himself.  He and I have found ourselves caught in that trap often throughout our twenty-one years of marriage, each of us feeling unheard and misunderstood.  When a person feels that way, accusations form (without thought or plan) in order to protect self.  Defend!  I must protect my own ... and then I forget that my own is my husband.  

The phrase, "Think before you speak," fits perfectly here, as I'm sure I don't listen to myself closely enough to gauge accusatory tones or words.  I should -- SHOULD -- have my brain engaged fully before the words fall out of my mouth.  The brain-tongue collaboration seems to flow effortlessly, and that, I think, gives me this problem.  My brain doesn't need to work very hard to help me form the language I use, and the words just ... happen.  And they can hurt more quickly and easily than I know.

The verse illustrating the charge to "Speak without Accusing" comes from James 1:19 (and 20):

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

Check it out!  Everyone should be quick ... to ... listen, followed directly by slow to speak.   Already, this reviews the idea of listening without interrupting.  God knows what he's doing.  Go, God!  Biblical instruction comes in varying phrases, as well as repetitive ones, because He knows we need rephrasing and that we don't take it all in the first time.  Like our own children, we need reminding.

In his book, Now You're Speaking My Language, Dr. Gary Chapman suggests that couples listen carefully to themselves, and to realize that many of our sentences start with "you."  Usually, the "you" has an absolute following it, such as "always" or "never".  Usually, "you" follows with an accusation. 

Does this man have us under surveillance?  

See if these patterns feel familiar:

You always come home late from work.

You never take out the trash.

You don't take time to listen to the kids.

You never try very hard to make time for me.

You don't seem to care about how I feel.

You always say that.

Women use absolutes (always/never) in a way we don't mean.  We want our husbands to know how much we need their attention, time and caring actions, and maybe a little help here and there.  If I say, "You never take out the trash," what I really mean is, "I feel as if I am the only one taking out the trash.  I can't remember the last time someone else did it."  He hears, "She thinks I am lazy and worthless.  She doesn't see what I do around here, so why bother at all?"  Believe it.  He hears that!

Then the fireworks begin.  "You said, ..." "No, I didn't!" "Yes, you did, and you can just do it yourself forever, then.  I'm done." "But, wait!  I didn't mean ..." 

The fireworks may last a lot longer, and the finale may be breathtaking in a way you don't want:  having the wind knocked out of you in an all-out, drag-down fight.

A couple of things I have read on several blogs, research sites and pretty much the Internet over, as well as in several books (including Dr. Chapman's) that really make a difference in speaking without accusing are these --

• Pray about what you feel you need to express to your spouse.  Get Divine Guidance first!
• Think about what you want your spouse to understand, and carefully choose words that send the message you want to send.  Think and pray, pray and think.  
• Get in the habit of using "I" instead of "you".  As you prayerfully consider what you will say, phrase your needs by starting with "I" -- "I feel disappointed when you arrive home late in the evening because we don't have much time to spend together.  I miss you."  
• Prepare him for the conversation with a lead-in, something that will not send him to his defensive line, but will help him to focus on the meaning of your words.  Starting with, "Do you have a minute?  I really would like to explain something to you that I've been thinking about a lot."  For seriously beleaguered husbands, it may help to buffer with a little more blunt beginning, "I do not intend to offend you, nor do I want to argue with you.  I would like to share my feelings with you, and would like your help."
• If the conversation begins to take one of the same old detours -- those that will lead to a fight -- learn to say, "Let's stop.  We need to go back to find where we went the wrong way.  We don't want to go this direction."  You may need to backtrack to find the words or tones that caused a stir and smooth them.  Work together!

Change the war zone into communication.  Build the bridges you have burnt by taking the time to construct new ones of better material, of lasting, impervious trust and admiration, of care-taking of the speech you offer your beloved, of kindness and consideration.  When the construction gets a little weak, study it, take down the bad pieces and replace them with something more solid.  You'll know the right materials.

Go now and be quick to listen to that husband of yours.  Be slow to speak -- cast opinions aside unless you ask first, and then go forth with care.  Hold onto your temper and really listen.  Listen hard and from his perspective.  If you can't manage that, ask him to clarify.  Talk it out.  Don't quit, don't give in to anger.  Present yourself after careful prayer and consideration, and with great humility.

Most of these things don't come naturally in a husband-wife relationship after the newness has worn from the surface.  We must build the framework ourselves, adding support and walls and decoration that compliment it -- and do a good job of it so that our marriages will stand firm and not be rocked in any storm that comes along.

Other Articles in This Series:

• Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
• Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
• Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
• Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
• Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting 
• Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
• Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
• Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering 

Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting

This lesson in love, Listen without Interrupting, falls first on the list and lets me know God has His hand in everything, even to the order and wording of a Christmas gift my husband chose to create for me via Pinterest! 

Listen without interrupting.  SMACK!  Right between the eyes.   I have grown impatient through the years, which does not surprise me, but it does disappoint me.  As a person with a teacher's temperament and view of life, I have patience for children.  Maybe not mine, but those of others. When it comes to adults -- poof! -- no patience left in the coffers.  Gone.  Kaput.  Zero balance.  Let's call it a deficit, for the sake of accuracy.

The first instruction for "Ten Ways to Love" speaks loudly to me.  How about you?  Do you feel a nudge?  I have to stop and remember how hard a lesson this is for me,  having succumbed to finishing sentences for the man who shares life with me -- an endearing thing in the courting phase, but really, when does it stop?  When does the man have a chance to think and feel for himself without his wife nodding and chomping at the bit to race to the finish line of his thoughts ... his contribution? 

I review this lesson often.  I have not mastered it, nor have I earned more than a "C", I think.  It might be the one thing God knows I need most, and that I will have to put forth great effort to persevere and maybe -- I hope -- overcome.  I imagine how it feels for God to watch one of His children finally get it.  To have the light bulb finally burn brightly and stay lit for a change, rather than watch that child returning to the darkness to continue struggling.  As a parent myself, I know how this feels.  When I see that glimmer of hope drowned by a return to the norm -- the thoughtless, easy, habitual, learned way, I feel troubled and confused by my child's inability to see and feel the difference -- the good -- in turning in the right direction.

The verse corresponding to this Love Lesson lives in Proverbs 18:1, and I have added two verses to round it out and, I hope, give clarity.

Proverbs 18:1-2  An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels.  Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.

 Add to these Proverbs 18:13:To answer before listening — that is folly and shame.

Bam!  Bam!  Bam!  Square on the head.  That's what these verses did to me.  Foolish, opinionated to a fault, quarrelsome, full of folly and shame.  I didn't have a leash on my desire to guide and assist.  Instead, I appeared as Controller and Dictator.  Never good descriptors for oneself.  While I denied fitting those definitions, I also did not see how my goals of retaining status quo and smooth sailing (which eluded me, of course) affected my family negatively. Along with that, as with any other bad habit, my inability to listen without interrupting fed itself.  The more I did it, the more I did it!

To listen to a spouse, a child, a relative, a friend, or a stranger, and to give him the respect involved in getting thoughts out of his brain and into the atmosphere through the human act of speech seems simple enough.  The difficulty enters when that speech involves the listener in ways that make her uncomfortable, either because the words point out flaws (eek!) or because they do not align with her perception of peace and harmony.  I had a hard time seeing my errors because I did not adopt a "my way or the highway" stance, and so I deemed myself flexible.  I had no hard line, I did not crack the whip or require anyone to toe the line.  Yet, I had answers even when no one asked a question and suggestions when no one offered a box for collecting them.

I was a wreck, but couldn't see the damage I caused.  Seeing myself through another's eyes did not happen for me for a long time.  Through the grace of God and with my husband as his messenger, I see now.  A person must break down her own barriers of self-perception and take a long, hard look at the reality of her life in order to see herself -- to really see herself.  We like to paint ourselves differently, even in our own heads.  However, when the dream world of the painting infringes on the reality of life, a girl has to snap to it.  Come to terms with YOU, deal with YOU, and stop putting your needs or wants ahead of the rest. 

Listening without interrupting creates harmony.  It showers others with respect.  It brings peace.  It probably will not maintain status quo because it will allow for new ideas and will bring depth to "the usual".   As for smooth sailing, the waters run deeper and wider when other people have a voice, when I stop trying to think for everyone and stop deciphering what someone might have said, meant to say or didn't say correctly. Listening without interrupting brings intimacy between people, allowing the flow of thoughts and feelings, and the sharing of opinions and perceptions.  It allows for truth instead of guesses, for facts instead of suppositions. To listen without interrupting allows for real life to take place. 

Listening without interrupting opens deaf ears and also gives clearer vision.  The foolish may find wisdom, and their folly may turn to success when they open their ears ... and their hearts ... to others. Remaining stolidly on the path of "having a say" leads to more destruction and disappointment.  Anger and struggle take prime positions instead of peaceful interaction and cooperation winning the top spots in relationships.

Let us have lots of listening.  As the saying goes, we have two ears and one mouth so that we will listen more than we speak. 




Other posts in this series:

• Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
• Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
• Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
• Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
• Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting 
• Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
• Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
• Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering 

Distractions in Life and the Marriage Effect

Distractions in my life waylay my best intentions.  They take my mind off the list of chores or projects I need to accomplish.  They make me forget to check my calendar for appointments or special days in the lives of loved ones.  Worse, distractions do not support the marriage relationship I should have, the one I need, the one God set aside for me and my husband to have.

It's our job, this marriage thing.  Without work -- hard work -- it will not succeed.  It will not produce, it will not provide dividends, it will not thrive; it will divide and destroy.

All of us who hold the role of wife must focus clearly on the man to whom we have vowed commitment (love, honor cherish ... until death do us part).  Life does not have to run away with us; it really is our choice to let it run and drag us along.  Think about it.  You may have to work, but you do not need to focus on it all the time.  If you have children, they should revolve around you and your husband, not you around them.  You may subscribe to social media but you do not have to alert yourself electronically or check in throughout the day, letting it rule you.  Real life remains. It doesn't go away, even when you try ignoring it or when you fight against it.  Taking a weekend away with friends will bring you home to the same chaos or discomfort you left there.  Coffee with your favorite pal will not drown the sadness that prevails in the problems you haven't faced.  Diversions, distractions, means of escape can overtake real life, but real life remains when the aura disappears.  The only way to maintain focus and balance is to cut back on the number of activities you do, inside or outside your home.  Cut back a lot even from the good things, because they divert attention from what matters most, too.  You may volunteer for a wonderful organization (I did!), and maybe you find great support and positive feedback from it (I did!).  Don't let work, family, friends, volunteering or social diversions take the place of the support and feedback you can get at home.  If you have lost the support and feedback at home, you may have to work to rejuvenate it.  You can.  You'll need to work at it, but the rewards multiply fast.  Everyone wins.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. "  ~~ Philippians 4:8

Distractions have a stealthy way of diminishing the relationship we have with our husbands.  They take our time, they deplete our energy and they consume our thoughts.  Where, then, do we have room for the Man of the House?  We don't think he notices when we squeeze him in here or there in our jam-packed schedule.  He doesn't say much.  He doesn't seem to mind.  He doesn't say much because, in most cases, men grow quiet and withdraw when wives start finding other focuses in life.  So, the men find other things to do.  When you get to the point that he "doesn't seem to mind," you have already leaped the barrier between "busy" and "too busy."  Jump back!

We women often fog the mirror of our own abilities, believing the busier we are the more important or indispensable we are.  In reality we are not either of those things in the eyes of those who matter most -- our husbands and families.  We lose sight of our own shortcomings and lack of attention to the details at home -- the underlying details that make marriage hum along in a healthy way, not the cooking and cleaning and clothes washing.  Anyone can do that, and our husband and/or children will not resent having less clean underwear and more time with wife or mom.  Those of us who stay at home full time often fill hours with outreach activities in order to appear accomplished to the outside world while our families and homes suffer from neglect, failing to thrive at our own hands.  Likewise, working women may fill the schedule with accomplishments that look good on a resume, with negative results at home.  When I fog the mirror of self with "important activities", I can't focus on the needs of my spouse or my children.  The fog builds and I work at getting through it, while my husband drifts along on the other side of the fog.  I can't even see him.  Those outside activities creep closer, making a denser fog, and completely obscuring my vision of him with "I'm busy." When he calls to me from the other side of the fog, I begin to see him as a distraction from all the busyness, rather than my respite from it.  How wrong is that?

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,"  I Peter 3:1

The Bible states that we should be subject to our husbands, which does not mean taking on a subservient role or having no opinions or strength, but to honor his choices as head of the household.  When I take on more distractions, I unintentionally begin to force my husband to live by my calendar.  Interesting.  The needs of my spouse move to second, third ... or last position under all the other time-takers on my list if I do not carefully weigh and discuss my options with him.  What is my goal?  Do I want to appear important?  Do I want credit?  Do I want admiration?  Do I want control?  Do I want to make my mark on the world?  Or, do I want a solid marriage with my husband?  How can I do that when I continue to take time in activities that promote ME?

 “Love is not self seeking, it’s not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong.” 

I Corinthians 13:5

The bottom line remains this:  The busier I make myself with other things, the less time and attention I have for my husband.  I did not always consider this -- I believed I had time for everything and continually added to my outside obligations without a thought about the time involved. Through my own experience:

•  I believe every wife must treat every decision as if her family depends on it, because it does. 
• A wife should make decisions about roles outside her marriage with her husband's input, because she married him to be his partner, and partners communicate these things.
• A wife needs to show her children that her marriage comes first (after God).
• A wife needs to understand that children reflect the marriage relationship, they don't come before it and cannot expect her to take sides.  Husband+Wife+Children=FAMILY
• A wife must let friends and family know that she esteems her husband (for some, this will take some changing of attitude) and will not fall into speaking negatively about him (huge distraction, especially in the company of other women who are unhappy in marriage).  
• A wife needs to make marriage her priority, not one in a long list of distractions.  

When a wife does make the switch, she will feel free, and her husband will feel respected and powerful - in a good way - because she depends on him and uses his strength as she should.  She creates in him a protective feeling, and he begins to watch out for her and the family differently.  This is what God planned in the first place.  

"And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever."  I John 2:17 

A Wife Challenge for today:  Maybe you don't feel your life is out of balance, but you really do not feel in a comfort zone marriage-wise.  Take some time today to list your activities (children's, social, church, personal, work, hobby) and pray about them.  Ask God to show you where to cut back or maybe (sigh of relief) eliminate.  Taking the step to stop an activity or sever a tie to an organization to which you devote your time and talent seems not only risky, it takes a lot of effort to consider doing such a drastic thing.  In the spirit of marriage  purpose and contentment, the  profit outweighs the risk.  You will gain a greater sense of satisfaction as you devote more time to being married.

You can bank on it -- as long as you remember to keep God at the head of it all.  Go to Him with your decisions and challenges, and remember to give Him thanks for every small success.

Your Wifely Approval Rating

How can I be a better wife?  That is the question.

I have my own answers.  I can fill in the blanks myself with simple things as:

      "Don't miss a chance to kiss him 'hello' when he arrives home from work everyday."
      "Speak kindly and listen carefully all the time."
      "Tell him I love him.  Often.

While I'm at it, I might as well fill in what the man would like for Christmas and his birthday, because I will, more than likely, not list many of the things he would like or need.  I know that the second answer makes his list because he has told me those things matter.  The other two actions feel important, but in his way of thinking, don't need correcting or improvement.  They hold meaning, but they don't affect his self-esteem or heart capacity -- because I do not rank a deficit in those areas.

My husband and I attended a marriage seminar with several couples from our church last fall, by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Neither of us realized it would affect us in the way it did.  Dr. Chapman asked that each spouse ask the other, every once in a while, what would make him a better husband/her a better wife.

This sounds simple. It also sounded revolutionary to two people who focused on their own needs too closely and thought they were doing what the other wanted or needed, but missed the target more than we hit it.

This small suggestion packed a punch, and made each of us sit up and take notice.

It also strikes a kind of fear deep within the person asking.  Getting these words out without feeling butterflies in my stomach hasn't happened yet.  I can have a small bout of anxiety while waiting for the answer (because the receiving spouse should think very carefully and not rush into an answer), which feels similar to waiting for test results from a doctor.

What is wrong with me that he might decide needs fixing?

As we drove home under grey October skies after that seminar, my husband surprised me by asking, "How can I be a better husband to you?"  At that moment in time, having him attend the seminar with me and participate actively made his approval rating rise in my heart and mind.  He couldn't do a better job at husband-ing than he had already done.  For that moment, hour and day.  I told him so, and his smile told me he felt successful already.

Several days after that car ride, I asked my question with some trepidation.  How can I be a better wife to you?  Whew!  I got that out of the way ... and then had to wait for the answer.  The answer took several days for him to develop, between thinking and busy days at work and at home.  His answer both delighted and disappointed me.

He told me I did a great job doing what I do right now, and he had no complaints.

ACK!  I got a good review.  I had prepared myself for some hard knocks in the wife department, maybe a short list of improvements that I might find difficult or maybe overwhelming to undertake.  Instead, I received a star on my Chart of Wifely Behavior.  My approval rating stood near the top.

"Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!" Psalm 141:3

But, complacency, or worse, inflated ego would make a poor choice of mind-set after one good rating.  In anticipation of the question sometime in the future, I decided to polish my skill set as a wife.  And, as in any other job any of us undertakes, I fail in some areas at various times and have to go back to the drawing board. I am not, nor will I ever be perfect.  I have a desire to try for perfection -- in the eyes, heart and mind of my husband -- and that makes the difference.

Throughout the past year, we have crept up on each other with The Question a handful of times each.  I do not think we have over-asked it, nor have we assumed either of us perform so well that we don't think to ask it from time to time.  We know we fall short in our roles as husband and wife here and there, depending on stress, lack of sleep, hormones (!) and other factors.

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."  Proverbs 15:1

Our improved "approval rating" for each other lies partly in the fact that because of The Question, we pay attention to our attitudes, actions and words more closely.  We renew our hope in each other and in our marriage by offering thoughtful answers to The Question that serve in smoothing, improving and sometimes redirecting our relationship as husband and wife, and as people.

I like a good rating as well as the next person, but hearing, "Good job!" at every turn does not instruct me.  Those words, carelessly spoken, can mislead me, and I will begin to focus on my wants and needs, and maybe try to finagle ways to achieve them.

It seems a good idea to discuss The Question with your spouse prior to popping this very meaningful question.  If a husband or wife sits in a different boat in your marriage relationship, answers to The Question may come out as pointed and hurtful, rather than constructive and regenerating.  Discuss it, that it makes a good tool for keeping in touch with each other's needs, and builds bridges between you. In a marriage, you want Venice (actually, Pittsburgh, since it contains more bridges) on your bridge-building landscape.  Aim high.  CONNECT.

Go ahead.  Ask it!

Hindsight - Part 2

Let's go back to, "And then he didn't."

My husband didn't have an "Endless Patience" button for me.  I didn't realize how difficult I made it for him to share feelings or ideas.  When he offered a view I closed the blinds.  Hindsight lets me see that I wanted status quo ... no changes unless they felt good immediately and didn't require me to concede anything.  I had no idea.  I was completely blind to the faults I had that caused him to fall into a way of life that merely included me as an annoying roommate.  I had no idea my lease was up until he began acting out in ways I could not understand, withdrawing from activities that involved me or the kids or faith, and working more and more, filling time at home with his eyes fixed on a computer monitor.

"A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion."  Proverbs 18:2

Now, in hindsight, I see it, how foolish I was.  I brandished my opinion like my own Sword of Truth.  My husband scoffed at my encouragement because it focused on what he could do for me in action, thought and word.  God has given me the ability to see the things I did or said that knocked my husband to his knees or took the wind out of him.  Today, I know that it can take as little as a slight facial expression or a poorly-placed "no" to turn the man I love into a forlorn, put-down version of himself.  The scales have fallen from my eyes; God gave me vision I have never had, and I take advantage of it for building this man up rather than in blindly tearing him down.

At the time of my blindness, I could not see that my husband's frustration came from miscommunication and neglect.  He could not see that my argumentativeness came from feeling unimportant and invisible in his eyes.  Neither of us knew how to listen to the other effectively, though we could repeat word-for-word what the other said.  We argued without resolution when each of us desperately wanted the other to understand and affirm our deepest needs and desires and repeated them fervently to what we believed were deaf ears.

"A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back."  Proverbs 29:11

We vented.  We vented selfishly when we should have done so selflessly.  We argued for ourselves when we should have made amends for each other.  We focused on ourselves when we should have focused on each other.  Hindsight allows us to go the right direction now, seeing past patterns and stopping ourselves before we start down the road to habit.  Bad, bad habit.  If we don't stop ourselves immediately, hindsight steps in again -- with a horrible deja vu-like feeling -- and makes us realize we have taken the wrong turn.  One of us puts up a white flag and says, "Wait a minute.  We aren't going to do this.  Here's where we're going, now let's go this way, instead."  Interestingly, with healing and learning through God and those he has placed in our path, neither of us feels offended by a sudden call to halt, and neither of us gets his nose out of joint when the other has a better idea.  Thank you, God!

We did not know our communication styles were hurdles.  We left morsels of goodness and decency for the other to find, and when they went unnoticed we put another brick in the wall of bitterness.  We hurt independently of one another.  When one of us tried to share the hurt, the other tried to "one-up" the other, never acknowledging his/her part in the hurt, or trying to make it better.  Instead, each of us waved flags of our own, trying to receive the notice and attention we craved but couldn't seem to get.

In hindsight, we had stomped all over our wedding vows in lieu of selfish attitudes and 50-50 living.  Vindicating ourselves entered the atmosphere, and that means pride.  Pride never helps anyone in a relationship, especially a marriage relationship, unless the pride focuses on the qualities and abilities one spouse finds beautiful and wondrous in the other.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. ~~Proverbs 11:2

Had either of employed foresight, we would have avoided most of the turmoil.  We attended a marriage seminar, which had us laughing and sharing, and focusing on what the other person needed to do.  The humor further vindicated our own efforts at plugging for SELF.  Go, team, eh?  We each were an embarrassment of faults and finger-pointing.  I more than him.  From the start of our relationship, my husband admitted shortcomings and wanted to work on them.  I took the invitation and rolled with it.  Steamrolled, more accurately.  As a person with a teacher's temperament, I wanted nothing more than to help this man, to love him and to guide him to higher self-esteem, and to confidence in his God-given talents, and to assist him in whatever areas of difficulty he had.  Little did I know, every time I reached out, he drew back.  I reached farther and he retreated.  Evidently, I saw this as a challenge, but by 12 years and 2 children into the marriage, he had moved to another room to avoid my reaches.  I tried to talk him into joining the family, and he felt -- and stated out loud -- that all I was doing was pushing him away.

"Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered." Proverbs 28:26

I had great faith in my own abilities.  I don't think I prayed at all on my own for at least 3 years of this confusing and disjointed war.  I helped children with bedtime prayers, said a blessing at mealtimes, and prayed in church.  How holy of me.  Because I left God out, my husband found anything faith-related I did nothing but hypocrisy.  I went through the motions like a champ.  As such, Christian music burned my husband like a brand and prayer cut him like a knife.  He found excuses to skip church.  He had too much to do to attend our children's events.  More confused than ever, I asked our small children to invite him in.  He pushed them away, too.  All  because I did not understand that men don't respond the way women do.  In hindsight, I still would not have succeeded because I assumed I knew what he needed and I barreled along, jousting with my own pole of selfishness and self-righteousness.  His shield of protection consisted of wounded emotions, ignored needs and a crushed spirit bound in utter confusion and loneliness ... all because the one person who took his side and cheered for him early on seemed -- to him -- to have switched teams.  How abandoned he must have felt.  How appallingly lonely.

"Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, ..."  Titus 3:1-11

That said, what about hindsight?  Well, for one thing, it can protect us from redoing something we shouldn't have done the last time, either.  Not eating that extra cookie, not saying that thoughtless remark that started the argument, not buying that new sweater that put the budget over the top, not talking to that opposite-sex person and putting our faithfulness at risk.  Sin starts as a small thing: do it once and it causes a stir of some kind (good or bad), and we revisit it.  Our free will from God allows us to avoid the next visit to Wrongville or it gives us the nod for just a little more, and a little more, until we're held fast by our own pride and unwilling to admit the sin.

"But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it."  I Corinthians 10:13

God knows.  And He does have mysterious ways, making everything work for good.  He will give us an exit plan if we look for it, but when we feel mired by sadness, lack of intimacy in a marriage, lack of connection in a family, the sin looks much better than the lonely road.  Take the road less traveled, though, as anyone who has taken the wide way to Wrongville will tell you -- the end result may give you that glorious hindsight, but foresight trumps it, hands down.  The road we travel before we find hindsight may fill us with pain, or it may poke at us a little bit and make us uncomfortable.  No matter what road we know we shouldn't travel, God will find a way to direct us back to Him and to the right path.

Hindsight makes a great travel companion, but foresight, brought to us by God to assess what comes and to make the right choices, will bring a better outcome.  We need to use our resources:  our Bibles, our prayer time, our Christian friends and family, our pastors, our church families and those God puts in our path to assist us sometimes with the foresight necessary to make right choices.  Use your resources, and if hindsight is one of them, take the opportunity to pass it on to someone else who you find leaning toward the path you now know better than to take.


What are your experiences with hindsight?  I'd love to know!

For Part 1 of this article, click here.