The Consequences of Your Choices Don't Wash Away

I didn't have a choice.
There was no way around it.
I didn't realize it until it was too late.
I take it back.
Let's start again.
The Devil made me do it.


We All Make Easy Mistakes

Mistakes?  We've all made them.  Bad choices?  Yep.  We make wrong turns in life, we ask for "do-overs" that don't ever succeed in erasing a mistake or a hurt.  When we do or say the wrong thing we can't take it back, make it disappear, change it into something else, fix it ... or forget it completely.

Whatever I choose to do counts.

Every action has a consequence.  Everything I say, do and think matters.  Every choice or preference leaves its own specific feedback in the lives of everyone involved ... even when I think I'm making choices that affect only me.  My choices affect my husband, too, whether he knows of them or not.

We all nod in agreement when we think of us all lumped in together, doing small "this or that" items that we know we shouldn't and then having to suffer consequences.  If I forget to return library books on time I will pay a fine. If I eat too much my clothing will not fit (like now, for instance). If I don't keep up with my family's laundry none of us will have clean clothes to wear.  Simple and straightforward, what I do matters.  I get it.  I understand.  No problem.

But.


Got Secrets?

It feels a lot different when sin sits deeper than the surface.  The hidden or secret things a person may do -- on the sly or within the confidence of another person -- that we don't want anyone else to discover don't come out of hiding easily, even when talked to nicely and offered a cookie.  Those secret sins, if uncovered, will change the way others perceive us.  Those secret sins begin to leak, like the juices from rotting food in the refrigerator, and cause people to sniff, wonder and search for the problem.  Soon, the whole place begins to smell funny -- you just can't stop it until you reach in there, find the bad piece, and remove it for good.

Recently, a couple of officers of our Parent-Teacher Organization at school found their secrets uncovered in a check-writing scheme, in which tens of thousands of dollars left the group's bank account and went to their personal accounts.  Someone caught a funny smell in the air, began searching, and within a period of time, the rotten thing showed.  The school district removed it, and now the police have the job of handling the situation as the law dictates.  Whether a fine or jail time comes to them in the future, the ladies will pay a penalty.

These women can find forgiveness from God, but the aftermath will take years to rebuild in the community and maybe in their families, as well.  Excuses they offered don't matter.  They lied and stole.  They have to get busy doing whatever it takes to show that they can handle trust again.

Secret sin has to be removed in order to live in harmony with our mates (as well as others around us) and with God.  God won't bless us with sin in the way, and our husbands won't be able to figure out our odd behavior, which secretiveness brings, no matter how we try to conceal the falsehoods and live as if nothing foul is leaching from the back of the refrigerator.

Choosing to deviate from God's path for you may appear in your life as:

- financial indiscretion or a shopping addiction.
- eating (too much or too little) in secret.
- having an opposite-sex friendship that feels fulfilling and seems innocent.
- lying -- of all kinds and sizes.
- engaging in an affair (emotional or sexual) with subsequent blame/rationale.
- uncontrolled electronic/technological activity.
- insert your secret sin here:  _________________


You Can Find Forgiveness and You Will Have Work to Do!

No matter what your poor choice(s),  your deviation from the right path, God will forgive -- if you ask with a contrite (sincerely sorry) heart.  A mighty thought to have is that all of us have the power to change, through His grace and mercy, and to climb out of the pits we have dug to higher and higher ground, led by Him, not by man.

But we won't be able to change the consequences, erase the wrongs we did, or make everyone touched by our thoughtlessness and selfishness feel warm and fuzzy, hunky-dory, and right as rain in one prayerful act.  

There's nothing like forgiveness to cheer up a human being.  At the same time, there's nothing like dealing with the consequences of our actions to keep us mindful of just how far our own selfishness and tunnel vision took us, and then, we see our husbands, children, friends and family alongside our jagged pathway, as if thrown from the vehicle ... bedraggled, hurt (maybe gravely), confused, distrustful, and in shock.

God will forgive me.  Then the hard part begins.

I have to work really hard to get back the devotion, trust, love, and support of those whom I may have ignored, hurt, betrayed, deceived, or confused.  Did I say "work really hard?"  I tend to understate things when I'm not overstating them.  The truth is, I will not get off anywhere close to easy, and should I?  Absolutely not.   If I have acted carelessly, I should have to prove that I can act carefully.  I must take as much time as my victims need in order to regain their trust and all the other attributes that I have lost by my own choices.  I will live under a microscope for as long as it takes to show that I know I have done wrong, that I want to change, and that I work for that change.


God will not wash away the consequences.  The sin?  Yes.  The rest is up to me.  I must sincerely work at changing myself through prayer, learning, studying, sharing and communicating well with the man I married, as well as with those people in my life who should be in it.  Those I have invited into my life via the intrusive, wrong behaviors, I must usher out and close the door for good.  For the good of everyone involved!


A Sin Is a Sin, No Matter How Small

While committing adultery or grand theft don't seem the same as holding a library book too long or driving faster that the posted speed, all have consequences that we must face.

Continuing to try to hide, working to keep up appearances, hoping no one mentions a difficult subject or moves in the direction of your secret is no way to live.  Make the changes now.  Take on your own sin, take it to the Father of All and lay it out before him.  Every stinking, rotten detail.  And ask His forgiveness.

Then, get to work.  You can do it.  Know how I know?  You'll have God on your side.

Stop the Bullying: Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Love.  It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. 

It doesn't keep track of wrongs.

I Corinthians 13:5

Go ahead.  Out them.  

You have a group of them, don't you?  They lurk, waiting to make an appearance when they can exhibit their strength, their power over you.  You know what it feels like, that in-the-past wrong-doing committed by your husband at your expense.  The giant debit column.  The list of wrongs.  The gang of bullies in an otherwise congenial community of experiences.

The irritations, annoyances, hurts, and painful memories attached to my husband over the years can get to me (if I let them).  I don't have a list in my head that I can rattle off on command, and most of the time, I don't remember a single negative occurrence.  But, once in a while, such as when other women complain about their husbands, or when an everyday occurrence triggers a memory, they can get to me -- if I let them have the chance.  If I give them that kind of power.

That bully metaphor?  Think about it.  It has "mean, inconsiderate husband" written all over it.  In real life, a bully has power over me when I allow him to intimidate me with words or with physical threat.  Our children have experienced bullying, and what do we tell them to do?  We ply them with a consistent list of anti-bullying measures:  

• pray for your enemy - for good things to come to him
• try to ignore his antics repeatedly until he loses interest/goes away
• stand up for yourself -- say something in response
• get help from someone in authority if you feel you are in danger

These same measures work for me as a wife, struggling against the bullying of Satan as he attempts to exert power over me in my marriage.  He wants nothing more than to rule over or destroy what God has created, and ... have you noticed what has happened to marriage lately?  Have you ever heard of more turmoil and seen more divorce or separation than you do in these modern, progressive, technologically advanced times? 

The Bible and its guiding principles don't read as modern or progressive or technologically advanced, but if you have Divine Guidance in reading it, studying it and praying about it, you have something timeless and that means it keeps up with the times.

God's word follows us into these modern times with consistent measures that work -- if we will put them to use.  When we guide our children, we do the same thing, providing them with guidance that will serve them all their lives, if only they respect it and remember it.  Our instruction will never fail them, when given with positive outcomes in mind.  In other words, it will work for them if it does not focus on restitution, vengeance, self-indulgence or self-righteousness, but on what is just and right.

Hmmmm.  Biblical!

Do yourself some good.  Oust those bullies in your brain.  You know they hide in there, that group of sneering no-goods that have perfect timing, never get caught and often turn up to join the fray in an argument or in that group of friends or coworkers who seem to feel vindicated when sharing the lows of their marriages, rather than the highs.  

Those antibullying measures work against the negative feelings and hurts.  Those bullying forces that play with my senses, encouraging me to revisit pain, to keep opening wounds that have begun to heal, to allow Satan a foot in the door to my thoughts and feelings -- they all need to go.  

The approach look like this.  I think you'll recognize it:

• pray for your enemy - for good things to come to him.  This means praying for protection against your own mind, and asking God to help you refocus on what good things your marriage has brought you, looking for the positives in your husband and praying for any healing and for conviction of sin that may exist -- in both of you.  It also means forgiving your husband for those past hurts.  Doing so helps free you from the power they hold over you.
• try to ignore his antics repeatedly until he loses interest/goes away.  This means don't take the bait.  When you recognize a trigger that brings out the bad, don't give in to it.  Turn another direction, become interested in something else.  Don't let the negatives have any of your attention.  Pray. 
• stand up for yourself -- say something in response.  A good "get thee behind me Satan!" does wonders.  Say it out loud, silently command it in your mind.  Research a Bible verse that brings you peace and comfort and trot it out in front of the Enemy.  God's word has more power than the Evil One ever will, as long as we remember to use it.  In the Armor of God (Ephesians 6), the Word (Bible and its contents) is the Sword of the Spirit for a good reason.  Use it for good.
• get help from someone in authority if you feel you are in danger.  This would be God.  Turn to Him in prayer and pour it all out to him.  The wrongs of a spouse, if we don't forgive them, will fester and can cause us to sin (turning away from spouse, turning to another person for comfort, act out wrongly, have harsh thoughts).  If you really find yourself tortured by bullying memories and , find a godly human guide who will help you through in a way that honors God and your marriage.  No gossip allowed, no slandering, no rehearsing of wrongs, and no opposite-sex mentors.

There you have it.  When you take the time to train yourself to a better approach, your mind begins to follow more readily.  One day, you may find that list of wrongs balled up in a corner of your mind.  You may never forget them completely, but you will know better than to flatten the paper and reread it.

When you fill more pages with the good stuff of marriage -- because that's what you choose to focus on -- you will want to celebrate that, instead.

How have you turned away bullying thoughts in your life about your husband or marriage?  What's your "go to" Bible verse?  What does your husband do that really floats your boat?

The Work Stress Effect on Marriage

I firmly believe that some people do not feel a great deal of pressure from their source of income.  In other words, some folks don't suffer work stress, or much of it.  Maybe they just know how to handle it, and it rolls like water off a duck's back.

I did not marry one of those people.  I did not realize this until later in our life -- but it had been there all the time.  I had cues and clues, but no clear category under which to place them, until finally, everything added up and I found "work stress" as the answer.

It's a beastly thing, if you have it, or if your husband suffers from it.

Naming it, owning it, discussing it and finding alternate avenues of handling it took years for us.  Don't let it take that long for you.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  ~~Matthew 11:28-29

When Stress Comes to Stay

Never did I realize how purposefully God moves until several years into marriage, when I realized how much stress my husband carries daily, and that I have an important role in that stress ... to help relieve it.

However, in our first few years of marriage, I didn't recognize the way stress built in him -- I simply couldn't understand his behavior.  I worked, too, in those years, and every Sunday night I felt the mania that a looming Monday morning brings to so many nine-to-fivers in the working world.

While I could shed the irritations and aggravations of the work day,  my husband continued to wear his.  I thought he just didn't have any desire to relate to me and often wore his heart on his sleeve along with a chip on his shoulder, when really, his feelings of stress multiplied and coated him in layers.  Within a few years of working his first job, he had wore a cloak of stress as his main wardrobe item ... and it clashed with everything.

Hanging back, not wanting to irritate him, I didn't ask many questions.  When I did, he didn't have enough experience with his working world self to understand how much work weighed on him.  Any irritation he felt he often placed on me.  

Sufferers of stress often place blame on those unaffiliated with the stress and a spouse sits as Target #1. Always there and easy to hit.  Unrelated to the source of stress, a wife brings on a different kind of stress:  dependence on love, need for emotional give and take, a share in the financial gain from the stress source (job), and the living day to day with irritating methods of toothpaste tube folding,  taking all the covers at night, and wanting to have a life that does not take place in front of the television or computer screen.

When job stress takes over, the little irritations grow to the size of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons without warning.

I didn't catch onto the fact that his temper flared easily beginning on Sunday morning.  I didn't realize that his lack of enthusiasm for any activity I suggested lay in his long-time habit of worrying about the upcoming week well in advance. This tendency overpowered his capacity for diversion and joy, and I did not have a concept of how to effectively redirect his attention from those worries or to stop from adding to them inadvertently.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  ~~Matthew 6:25-27

The Void Faith Should Fill

Work stress becomes a habit and worsens in a personality that has no outlet for it.  It feeds on itself and on every activity outside its usual domain that requires planning, social/family interaction, financial input, or infringement on "free" time.  The hardest habit to break in a work-stressed husband is the "escape factor" -- zoning on mindless activities that lead nowhere for long periods of time (electronics, television, gaming).  The man I married inherited his inability to handle stress (not at all or ineffectively), and learned how to react (panic, anger, worry, negative thoughts, diversion, escape) instead of act (solve problems, think positively, pray, manage resources, engage in physical activity), probably before birth.  Because I did not grow up with that kind of pressure from the inside out, I did not come equipped to combat it.

God would have been our answer, and would have filled the void we both had at that time in our marriage.  We did not invite him in ... or rather, we did not let him out of the church at our wedding.

We did not have a faith hold in the early years of our marriage, and it showed.  We struggle and we flailed wildly in all directions, hoping to hit a moving target we could not identify.  We made it through with lots of emotional baggage which we carried for years.  We worked together, commuted together and spent most of our time together, and while we enjoyed much of it, I had the role of talking him down from the ledge whenever an attack of stress hit -- and my methods became predictable and distasteful ... and added to his stress level.

We did not talk about stress or how to manage it because we didn't realize that was the answer to the questions we didn't ask.  Neither of us prayed, and we felt the invincibility of the 20-something years.  Physical ailments and hard economic choices hadn't touched us.  We hadn't had any run-ins with dire circumstances.  The false feeling of "can do" no matter what or how large the challenge ruled in our lives.  Faith, though I called myself a Christian, had no role in our individual lives.

We stayed together because we had vowed to, didn't think we had another option, and figured if we fought hard enough for our own individual versions of "right", someone would win.  Neither of us would give up or give in, and neither of us would give up our desire to be right.

We earned our scars.

In future years, as hardships involving finances, child-bearing woes, job changes, and forced separations due to work travel entered our lives, God began to squeeze in, too.  He's merciful like that.


Categorizing Stress and Containing It

As difficulties crossed our path or entered our lives and put down roots, we struggled against each other harder.  I had the answers and so did he, and few of them matched.  Life had to hit us several times before we could see the whole picture ... that so many areas of life don't need to be scheduled or require back-up, and most of the good things happen when we don't feel like doing anything more than collapsing from mental exhaustion.  We have to let our hearts fill with good things to build a strong framework of positive outlook and possibility, rather than look at each day as just another purveyor of doom and gloom, and someone else's emergencies.

Work stress still happens, but the life events that have taken place anyway have framed it better.  Work will always offer stressful situations and my husband will always bring the level head in handling other people's emergencies.

My husband had to have knee surgery in order to feel what "no stress" feels like.  He had to take a month away from work to remember how it feels to sleep through the night and to sit back and enjoy his children and his life.  He had to leave the office to realize that mindless or repetitive escape activities served only to fill time and alienate people.  He had to turn in the wrong directions in order to experience the grace and mercy of the Right Direction.

Now, 20-plus years past those years of struggle and confusion built on lack of understanding and short experience, we have the stressors named.

- work
- financial stability 
- lack of real rest - sleeping well, but also having recreation ... something to do that has a product or a definite positive effect on life, and is measurable in some way.  Hobbies, exercise, family time, etc., make the difference between purposeful and wasted time.  These things allow for mental rest, even though they require attention and focus.  They offer a different kind of "stress", and ease the unhealthy pressures.
- feeling faithless - as we learn more about faith and put it to work, stress decreases.  Faithlessness puts more pressure on self, to succeed and to provide and to maintain life independently.  Growing faith reverses those pressures.


The Fix

- God.  The Customer Service Professional.  Go to Him first.
- the Bible.  No self-help book exists that will offer answers to carry a work-stressed person over the course of a working lifetime like the Bible.  To enhance the experience, prayer has a direct line to the Author for questions and feedback  (Tweet, if you like).   No self-help writer can beat that.  Go there.  It works.
- prayer - as the wife of the work-stressed husband, this has led me to find new ways to meet the stress head-on, to divert my husband's learned behavior of "zoning", and to encourage him in multiple ways every day.  Without prayer and growing faith, I could not be the help-meet in this situation.  Because of prayer, I have power, and my husband has the blessing of it.

He gives power to the weak

and strength to the powerless.

Even youths will become weak and tired,

and young men will fall in exhaustion.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.

~~Isaiah 40:29-31

Coming to Terms with Stress

Struggling with stress may never completely.  Going back to the "fixes", of turning to God, reading the Bible for answers and review, and an intent prayer life will improve it to whatever degree the stressed person and you, his wife, will help him achieve.  You are his help-meet, and that doesn't mean just handing him tools for fixing the faucet, or making sure he eats healthy foods -- it means guiding him when one of his rudders is broken or when his compass is off.  It means carrying through while he is carrying on in a state of confusion.  It means never giving up on him.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  ~~Jeremiah 29:11

Your experience with work stress may not have the all-encompassing qualities that my husband has experienced.  It may come and go, or run in predictable stints.  No matter how it happens, the fixes work.

You live these trials to understand the experience.  Name them to get a grasp of what they do and how they affect life.  Then, fix them.  You have the Book and the Author at your disposal, and you will find no better source of help.


What is your experience with work stress?  How have you combatted it with God's help?  What advice would you offer to those struggling with it?

Working Marriage Overtime

Whew!  It's the end of the day.  You have worked, cooked, cleaned, monitored homework, refereed arguments, greeted your husband, talked about your day, solved problems, paid bills, loaded the dishwasher and now the day draws to a close.  You have hit your comfortable spot on the couch and don't want to move.  A cup of tea, your favorite television show or book.  Ahhh.  Relaxation, at last.

Then someone wants-needs-asks something more from you.  Ugh!  Really?

As a wife, as a mother, as a member of a family, you usually find a way to move from that comfy spot to assist as requested.  I would like to say I do so without grumbling, but at the end of one of those "I don't remember ever sitting down today" days, I have let out a little (a loud) complaint or shown some (a lot of) annoyance at the interruption.

Wife, mom, woman ... human.  Weakness happens.  We can't do everything, but usually, we can do more than we think, and definitely more than we want.  We should set aside self and serve those we love, whether that love be by vow and commitment or by birth, not to mention by the sharing of  human characteristics.

That means we put everyone else first, not just those who share our home, our family ties or our friendship. 

For now, we'll focus on the one to whom we have committed our love:  our husbands.


Give a Little Bit

Paul writes in Philippians 2:3-12

“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men."

Counting my husband as more significant than myself equates to selflessness as his mate in life.  Still working on it, I admit, but the trying counts!  Selflessness starts by giving little bits past what we feel like doing, and finding we can give a whole lot more.  Then, giving it. 

In marriage, selflessness means overlooking my desire to sit back and read all evening.  It means checking on the kids tucked in their beds when he asks.  It means staying awake, no matter how tired I am, while he finishes his bedtime routine so we can cuddle and talk before falling asleep. It means standing beside him as he works on home projects, ready to go-fer tools or  to assist as needed.  It means taking care of our home as close to his standards as possible ("House Beautiful" for him, "Country Living" for me) to ensure his comfort. It means knowing when to leave a party based on a twitch of his eyebrows because I see he has tired of social time and longs for home.  It means watching and listening for his return to our living space every evening to start it all over again.  Selflessness means anticipating, preferring, choosing, honoring, revering and focusing my efforts on him.  When I do, we both benefit.

In my case, selflessness also means enduring repetition -- his mainstay and my nemesis.  I do not do repetition well, I do not follow daily or weekly schedules, I fly by the seat of my pants most of the time.  Predictability in life gives my husband comfort, probably because so much of his day lies out of his control.  His comfort means my comfort.  And therein lies any reward I could want.

 Selflessness sits at the pinnacle of the Married Behavior "To Do" list.  If we live it, we will like it.  Taking on a selfless outlook does not mean I will lie across the threshold with "Welcome" printed across me, nor does it indicate giving myself to slavery or misuse in any way.  It means thinking of my husband's well being, his preferences, his desires and his overall needs, as well as the details of his life and being --- and focusing my attention on caring for him in and among those parameters.  It's care-taking of the utmost calling in marriage, and when done well and with an attitude of respect and love, it feels good, right and complimentary to me.  When done with even a hint of resentment, it feels hollow, incomplete and like a chore.


Working Overtime

Marriage takes work, a phrase that repeats often,and for good reason.  'Cause it's TRUE.  It sometimes takes every effort to maintain marriage.  It can require incredible amounts of energy to bring it back from the edge of calamity.  Marriage can demand extreme patience to reframe it with grace, mercy and the care required to pick out the weeds and nurture it as it struggles to grow against the pressures and distractions of the world. It commands every ounce of self-control we have to manage personalities and preferences and not lose sight of the goal.

And when I submits to what marriage requires of wives, I find much ... more ... ease.  Willingly working selflessly for my husband fulfills me, satisfies him, and we find joy, peace, mutual respect, and desire to keep doing more toward receiving the supremely gratifying outcomes of this most important work as a couple.

If I'm going to work overtime, I want it to be at marriage.  The payment I receive for my effort comes through increased intimacy (emotional, physical, mental and spiritual) with my husband, a closer walk with God, a more positive outlook on this life, and a framework for helping others along their own marriage pathways. 

Anyone see a negative anywhere?  If so, point it out, will you? 

What do you think about working for your marriage?  How does selflessness work for you?  Have you tried it?  What's your story?




 

Communication in Marriage: Keeping it on Topic

Communication in marriage usually does not simply happen.  Some people communicate well right out of the chute, while others struggle to utter even a few squeaks of need or opinion even after years of togetherness.  Sometimes, two good communicators marry, sometimes two poor ones, and sometimes one of each.  No matter the pairing, each will always find something to learn about one of the main requirements of a healthy marriage (that's communication).

In our marriage, we began as excellent communicators on superficial subjects.  Work, grocery lists, getting the oil changed in the car, making plans for Christmas shopping, taking out the trash, what to cook for dinner, and so forth.  When it came to deeper issues, we clammed up until the situation had grown to monstrous proportions, and then the dam broke and ten subjects went under our individual microscopes at once, and onto the table of conversation in giant, tilting and toppling stacks.

Chaos.


Where Communication Almost Always Goes Wrong

My husband and I avoided discussing issues that might rock the boat.  Early in our marriage, we floated along smoothly, as if in a gondola in the Tunnel of Love ride at the amusement park.   We waited to talk about "big" issues until they grew unbearable to one of us.  Mistake #1.  Mistake #2 took the form of throwing everything out into the open at once.  Mistake #3 involved including strong emotion in the conversation, and then when we felt unheard or unvalidated or misunderstood, an avalanche of feeling hit the table around which we attempted to communicate.  Loudness happened.

Forget the Tunnel of Love.  We conversed in some sort of twisted Marriage Amusement Park -- where no one has any fun and we keep getting back in line for the same stomach-wrenching ride.  We would aim for the nice, easy Marriage-Go-Round, but end up in line for the Emotional Roller Coaster.   With each hill climb we'd gather our nerve and try to settle our uneasiness by drumming up diversional topics  and then let everything fly as we careened down the other side.

Avoiding discussion on the difficult topics will lead to derailing communication in marriage, but piling several topics on at once makes a complete train wreck pretty much inevitable.

Stick to ONE

We do have a choice.  We can stop the wild ride that continually loops and takes the same climbs, plunges, and reckless turns by stopping ourselves from getting on in the first place.

How?  Stick to one topic.

This sounds simple enough, but when a couple has learned to add topics to already-running arguments, it takes some doing.  We are doing it every day, and if two stubborn first-borns can, anyone can accomplish great things in their marriage talk.  It takes effort, self-control, consideration, kindness, and lots more self-control.


Behind the Scenes Maintenance

It takes looking your flaws in the face to communicate well.  In our marriage, I take everything to heart, while my husband sometimes seems to have no heart on some issues and views everything as either logical or illogical.

To keep these traits from upsetting the balance, we talked this out, first, as a sharing of opinion and experience with each other -- how we view each other when communicating on past difficult issues.  This wasn't a quick-fix for our discussions, and we do review what we know about each other from time to time -- we don't always see our own flaws, but our spouses sure do, and knowing how he perceives me makes a great difference to success in our marriage.   After you share your grievances and hopes about personality and tactics in communication, you're ready to make the move to sticking to the topic.

NOTE:  You may not have the ability to discuss these issues first for a variety of reasons.  You don't have to take this step, but it does help if you can manage to do it.


From Start to Finish

When I have an issue to discuss with my husband, possibly a large repair on a vehicle (financial discussions set our coaster rolling) I:

- gather my facts
- pray about the conversation
- let him know I have something to talk about with him and *decide on a time to meet about it
*the time could be NOW, so completing the first two in advance of making an appointment really has to happen first

Before we have our discussion, I pray again, and ask for guidance in sticking to the topic and not diverting or allowing myself to be diverted from it.  If the discussion happens immediately, quick prayers do just fine.  God can do great things on the fly.

When we meet for the discussion, I keep my tone level or a bit on the upbeat side and not accusatory or  demanding.  As we begin, I might feel uneasy, and I have learned to say so and to say why, such as, "I really don't like talking money matters, because it has been an area that has sparked arguments in the past -- I want to get that out there -- and I feel better about it every time."   This helps my husband to understand any trepidation over the subject, and allows him to see that I want to come out together at the end of it.

As we enter the conversation, I focus on my facts and on how I present them.  They can't just fly out willy-nilly, shooting down the hill at the speed they certainly have in the past.  Controlling my own thoughts and mouth does wonders for sticking to the topic because if I feel opposition coming I would much rather divert it.  Using self-control allows me to meet opposition and learn to handle it in a positive way.  Avoiding trouble is one of my flaws.  I know it, and I am learning to face and fix it.

If I meet with a diversion from my husband -- perhaps he brings up that I mishandled a past situation like this one, or he chooses to pick apart my facts (he's a detail man) -- I need to keep my composure and guide him to stay on the track with me.  Maybe he will bring up another decision we have to make with the "since I have you here" idea in his mind, and want to cover another issue or two.  Stick to one.   Not stubbornly, but kindly, and with a smile.  I have said, "Let's stick to the decision we need to make about this before tackling anything else.  We have the information, we just need a decision and I will do whatever you think best.  If you'd like, I don't mind discussing something else afterward."

Directing back to the topic immediately works, and both partners can pick up the ability with each new conversation.  You may have the blessing of a great first run and move on smoothly from there.  Others of us work at it little by little, making progress on a slower track, but it's progress, no matter how slow or fast.


Moving Forward

Sticking to a discussion topic may seem obvious, but in many marriage communication dilemmas, one or both spouses has no idea they have gone to another topic or added in three extra ideas to consider.  Once you begin staying on topic and handling diversions successfully, you may find you and your husband begin to bring up more individual topics throughout a day or week -- you may find yourselves talking more often, and about deeper issues.

Good discussion breeds more good discussion.  Marriage can only get better with that kind of talk.



What kinds of things have you tried to keep conversations running on the right track?  What has or hasn't worked?

What Would Your Consumer Review on Marriage Look Like?

Married?

Whether you are or you aren't, you have a vision of marriage as a product. You can't put it in a shopping cart nor does one size does fit all, but marriage is a product that sells.  God created it and offered it to us, and we take Him up on the offer.  Millions of couples make a purchase every year, with upwards of thousands-of-dollar send-offs to holy matrimony, and keep paying for upkeep, renovation and repairs over the product's lifetime.

This week, I hope to post a few reviews on marriage from our twenty-two years of experience with the product.  I would like to offer them in increments of 5 - 8 years and see what I find.  You'll see what I mean -- for when you have had five years of marriage to call your own, a person can feel smug, self-important and accomplished ... and she still hasn't had to run interference on life yet.  Many marriages still have a house number on Easy Street for several years.  Some never lived anywhere but on Struggling Place.  All have the vision of Bliss Court.

I'm sure I will surprise myself and learn something I didn't know or understand before.  That's the power of writing like this -- it opens our eyes to what God wants to show us when we let Him have control over the process.  I feel curious and a little nervous to discover what He has in store, marriage-wise.  In our marriage, He has provided miracles when we felt impossibility.  He has provided healing when we felt ravaged by diseased spirits and broken hearts.  He has provided power by holding us up when we couldn't take another step away or closer together. 

He has provided.  That's the main idea in every marriage, no matter what its chronological age.


For today, I have just a general look into the marriage product.  You may notice it runs the gamut from secular to sacred in viewpoint, and that's no mistake.  I don't believe any of us follow a biblical model of marriage every waking minute, in every thought, deed and word.  We make mistakes, we compare, we judge, and we feel dissatisfied with what we have as compared to what we think we should have or could have. 


In the Beginning -- an Outline

Each engaged couple holds ideas of what marriage will be, where it will lead and what it will look and feel like before making the purchase. We invest in it with forethought and hope.  We insure our commitment to it by making supplemental purchases and arrangements commonly associated with it:  living space, furniture, linens, appliances, medical coverage, insurances, and joint bank accounts.  We They invest in the hope of the product we will soon own.

With the millions spent on weddings each year, clearly, we put a lot of stock in marriage, getting ready for it as one of the biggest life events we will experience.  We view it as enduring ... until we leave this world, and with that thought in mind, we begin investing early.

In the beginning, we have marriage all figured out, just as we have parenting down pat ... when we don't have any children of our own.  Theory always feels easier than practice -- the real life, in the trenches, in your face reality of life, whether we talk marriage or any other life matter.  In the beginning, we have it easy.  In the beginning, all we have is usually a dream that we picture ending in a fairy tale.  We do not have reality in mind when we start this journey.



You Get What You Put into It

Years after a couple crosses the threshold, each mate has experience with how they have enjoyed marriage and how they've made use of its various features. Most have misunderstood their abilities and limitations within it, or didn't follow the directions and experienced breakdowns that may have required costly repair. Many couples have found deep satisfaction with the basic model and have moved along in fine form.   Others have found their version continually stalling or having mechanical issues; they compare with other models, wonder if they should have chosen differently, and keep tweaking in the old trial-and-error method.

Some couples have tried to exchange a broken marriage for a new one and found the same basic issues recurring.  Some have tried to upgrade to a new or different model, or to make modifications in the current one to suit their personal preferences.  Some have finally, as a last-ditch effort, prayed from the bottoms of their discouraged, defeated, desperate hearts and found that the Peace they needed and the Direction they craved had been there all along, they just hadn't activated the Warrantee.   

No matter how much each of us invested prior to it, no matter what our success or failure rates during it, and no matter how many tune-ups we have made to the original model, every married couple has something to say about marriage.


In Conclusion

I have written consumer reviews for more than twelve years on everything from children's books to kitchen appliances.  Putting my experience with a product into words for sharing with others gives me the joy of helping, allowing my experience to provide assistance in someone else's decision-making or ability to use a product effectively.  When something works as I hope it will, or better yet, better than I hope it will, I jot the details and explain with well-placed adjectives just what made me say, "Wow!"  In the opposite direction, when a hope-for experience with a product doesn't pan out, I can offer suggestions at how to adjust it, make good on the warrantee, or start back at the beginning and try, try again. 

In thinking of marriage as a product so many of us have tried and continue to keep in working order, doesn't it make sense to provide a review of it?   From one consumer to another, from one who has found the glitches and the sweet spots and has made it through each and every recall, to the pre-purchase novice who wants to understand and have a better handle on it before actually driving it off the lot? 

Shouldn't we share the "woes" and the "wows" and how we managed between them? 

For the sake of everyone in it and everyone heading toward it, we married people need to do some honest, accurate, God-inspired assessment on our matrimonial experience and get it out there for the world to see -- because people are looking.

Men and women want to succeed.  They need to know how to succeed.  They need understanding of the biblical model for marriage and the lessons between the covers of the Bible, and they need it in terms that make sense to them. 

It helps to see where someone else failed as long as that someone found God's intended path again and set out on it, determined to follow and not just dabble and wait for the other person to do the hard work.

Share.  Take on the challenge ... review marriage for those already in it and those who still window shop, but have the look that tells you, "I'm buying!"

Are you ready?

Communication in Marriage: Keeping Emotions in Check

Growing a marriage without a good communication system is like growing a garden without watering it.  Communication needs to flow freely without holes, breaks or blockages in the line, and without forgetting to do it.  Gardens die from lack of water.  Do you think your marriage can survive a communication drought?  Mine couldn't.  Restoring conversation helps revive all the rest of a dying marriage.  It takes some planning, lots of prayer, and loads of self-control.  You just don't throw garden seeds everywhere and drown them with water.  You prepare and you work carefully, attending the garden every day, in order to enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Communication in marriage is no different.  Let it go, and weeds will choke it, lack of water will scorch and wilt it, and sooner or later, you'll have pretty much nothing to show for what you started.


How Emotions Can Run Rampant in Communication

Emotions hold a place in marriage alongside communication, but they act more like roots in the relationship, running underneath everything we think and experience.   Our emotions depend on abundant communication opportunities to allow growth and to sustain the relationship with a strong system beneath the surface.

Communication covers every aspect of marriage, while emotions support marriage in a more systemic way and shouldn't come to the surface to have a say every time we attend to other matters.  Emotions, like roots, need protection, not fanning out on the surface where they won't do well when stepped on or twisted or cut.  They bruise easily.  Changes in the atmosphere (your marriage, life events, even the weather) affect them.

How can a couple handle emotions when communicating ideas or important matters?  It does take prayer, practice and good timing, but even in a discussion about where to go on a family vacation can go really well with a few choices to compare on a base of facts, pros, cons, and a good AAA Guidebook.  When a spouse has heartstrings attached to one of the choices and really dislikes another choice, allowing those emotions to broadcast freely may bring argument to an otherwise level discussion table.  Curbing those emotions by saying, "Before we get too far in the discussion, I want you to know that water parks scare the daylights out of me and I would worry the whole time about one of the kids getting hurt or lost and I would find it really hard to enjoy the trip," would allow for discussion of those emotions and maybe the couple would rule out that option, allow the husband a chance to calm his wife's fears, or talk it out and come to a conclusion that works for the relationship and family.

Feelings relating to a communication topic can come up for discussion beforehand, during, or even afterward.  What matters is keeping the emotions in check, not letting them take over and go their own way.

Big important point:  having strong emotions in a specific area doesn't mean you automatically win.  It does mean you need to discuss those feelings in order to move farther in your communication development.  It gets easier.  Some people discuss emotions very unemotionally.  Others need help putting a lid on their feelings in order to assess them and talk them out well.

No matter what, sharing those feelings as a couple brings you closer together in intimacy and understanding.  You will both win, even if one of you doesn't get your way every time.

We know a couple in which one spouse has no emotional control and gets her way most of the time and pouts, complains and makes life difficult when she doesn't.  Not a very mature way to behave, but that behavior happens quite a lot.  Maturing in life and marriage means learning to display an emotion with control over it, rather than the emotion controlling the individual -- and trying to control others, too.

Uncontrolled, emotions divert the topic of conversation and become the topic themselves.  Emotion can undermine, we just don't usually see it coming and many of us (raising hand) often react to it with equal emotion.  It's a Catch 22.  Don't let it go there.


We Can't Have Intimacy without Emotion

We need to share our feelings in order to feel understood and accepted.  Respect for the other person's feelings stands as the fence we sit on, and it's my choice and mine alone that allows me to hop down onto his side to listen and understand or to thump down on the other side and throw stones of contention at him in retaliation for having his own feelings.

When emotions barge into the room, they can create confusion and divert the topic of conversation to themselves, leaving the original conversation topic wilting in the corner.  Uncontrolled emotion undermines communication.  Controlled, carefully discussed emotion builds a couple into something stronger.  Without emotion, how would intimacy exist?

Good communication skills keep the emotional roots in place by taking the time -- separate, mutually-agreed-on time -- to understand the feelings within a person in many areas and many time frames.  This takes some patience and understanding, and willingness to listen and accept feelings from the past that may have nothing to do with the marriage, but have everything to do with each individual and his or her emotional strengths and weaknesses.

Is it any wonder that many people say a lifetime isn't long enough?  We married people need to buckle down and get to know each other, right down to the roots.

It's hard to wrap my mind around how diverse husbands and wives really are, and knowing the depths of my husband, alone, it's quite an undertaking to know him well. I know most of him, at least I like to think so, but he digs deep to share feelings from his youth or childhood and surprises me with the depth of those feelings.  We trade memories and observations that link to feelings and we extend our roots deeper still.

The emotions, the deep feelings exist.  As a wife, I need to take the opportunities my husband offers me to listen to his feelings without judgment, without voicing an opinion for any reason, without trying to assist him, without any of me in there at all.  I need to let him share.  When I do my part -- listening -- I grow closer to him, learn about him, and take that knowledge along with me into other conversations.

When we discuss an issue on any subject, I can feel or hear when one of his emotional roots has taken a hit.  I can do this because he has told me how he feels in many situations in life, and how he feels like reacting and why those reactions want to come out.

With each conversation, I learn more.  He does the same for me.  We each have to practice this skill and remember to think, focus, understand, empathize, and allow ourselves to bond with the person sharing, reaching out with our own emotions and creating a deeper intimacy.


Will We Ever Get Emotions Under Control?

We're getting pretty good at it, after many early mistakes that bring back those old feelings of futility and anguish that makes hearts hurt.

We make mistakes.  We have some not-so-proud moments during which someone gets unduly irritated and lets it show without any control whatsoever.

The good part, the reason I know we have changed and have hope for more, is that the other person always says, "Wait a minute.  We aren't doing this."  And the the other says, "You're right."

Admitting that is a huge step all by itself.


Can You Do This Alone?

Yes.  And no.  You need God through all of it, if your husband jumps in with you or not.  The supreme power and grace of the Father will show you the way and give you what you need to keep going.  Praying for your husband's acceptance and softened heart will do wonders, too, even if he joins you in this endeavor.  We can all use more acceptance and softening, I think.

Always keep in the forefront of your mind that you can change only yourself, and you can keep only your own emotions under control.  It happens by refusing to fight, refusing to take the bait, refraining from thinking, "He doesn't bother, why should I?"

The "why should I" sits right here in I Peter 3:1-2 --

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct."

Respectfulness and purity leave no room for snide, rude comments or the silent treatment.  They require self-control, prayerful guidance, loving action, carefully tended thoughts of positive things, and thankfulness for all the small steps toward emotional maturity.

Without emotional maturity, what are we?  Nothing more than tall toddlers.  That's what.



Related Articles:
Bridging the Communication Gap with Your Husband
Disagreement Done Right IS Communication
How to Share Feelings in Your Marriage
How to Talk so He Will Listen, How to Listen so He Will Talk:  Deciphering Husbands
Ladies Before Gentlemen:  Making Marriage Changes
Think Before You ... 
Share Those Feelings ... Ante Up!
Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting
Your Wifely Approval Rating

Seven Marriage DIY Projects

Every marriage looks and feels different, both inside it and for those looking in from the street view.  We don't expect that, really.  As for me, I thought some sort of mold existed, and that my new husband and I would just snuggle right down into each role. Perfect fit, no trimming, no remelting.

We have melted and remolded.  It hurt a lot in some places and felt like a spa treatment (not that I've had one) in others.  Through all the valleys and at the top of every hill or mountain, we have changed.

In marriage, molds don't exist.  Instead, you have to take the DIY -- Do It Yourself -- approach.  You have a manual called the Bible, and you have an instructor we know as God.  He wrote the Book, so he speaks from it and about it with in-depth knowledge and a complete understanding based on experience.

In other words,  He has seen and done it all, and knows everything.  He doesn't practice, for He is perfect.  You can't have a better Contractor (Carpenter, Electrician, Plumber, Mason, and Lanscaper, too -- He does it all) than that.

In our marriage struggles and successes, for better or worse, in sickness and in health and for richer or for poorer, I notice some common projects that have a place in every union.  Yes, no marriage will ever perfectly match another, but every blessed one has some commonalities.

Seven Marriage DIY Projects

7.  Communicating.  Yes, we all talk, but we do not all know how to communicate our wants, needs, desires and reactions effectively.  Emotion must step aside and allow fact to stand as the measure of marital discussion.  Emotion has it's place, but not here in the framework.  Emotion plays an important role, but stands on its own, in a separate place.   I learned that the hard way.

6. Sharing emotions/feelings.  Knowing how each of you feels on a wide array of topics.  Not knowing precedes disappointment, discouragement and resentment, which build walls that shut out numbers 5, 4, 3 and 2.

5. Sex.  Having it often, scheduling it if necessary when life gets busy.  It's near the middle of the list because it's the glue that holds two the pieces of the project together. If you leave it out for long periods of time ... well ... the project will definitely become unstable.  Ask me how I know.

4. Friendship.  Many marriages begin with it, and some end without it.  Friendship needs to remain in to keep the common bonds, the connecting activities, and a general respect for differences each person will always have.

3.  Love.  It's the little things.  The fixtures that make the plumbing useful.  The paint and decor that make the walls beautiful.  The appliances that make the home functional.  The furniture that makes the home comfortable.

2.  Trust.  Trust runs through a marriage continually, like electricity.  Some switches or outlets don't see as much use, but in a pinch, you can count on them.  Trust maintains all the main functions of the build.

1.  Praying.  You can't successfully achieve Marriage without it.  I have tried.  We have tried.  Millions of people continue to try.  Use it well and constantly.  It will help you get where you need to go.

Get with your Contractor today to get started on the project that has been nagging at you for a while.  The interesting aspect of taking on a Marriage DIY project is that by handling one well, you sometimes ... dare I say usually ... work on some of the others along the way.  What better byproduct(s) can you ask for than that?

What kind of DIY plans do you have for your marriage?

Wandering in the Marriage Desert

A dear friend of mine has a husband, children, and a dog.  She has a lovely home and wonderful, supportive family on both sides.  She is sunshine in human form and never fails to make me laugh.  We banter through e-mail and have very serious discussions on quite a list of topics. 

This capable woman knows God, believes in the power of prayer, and does her best to share Christ with those she knows need the introduction.  Her life seems nicely squared away.  She has purpose, her disposition allows her to enjoy her family and interact easily with anyone, as well as attract others to the reason for her joy:  the Holy Spirit in her heart.

Yet she wanders in a dry place in her marriage. 

My friend has clear direction in the life God provides for her, but she hasn't taken His plan seriously in many ways.  And, she knows it.  Her marriage has suffered a few blows through the years that she and her husband resolved in theory, but left on the back burner in practice. God has so much in store for them as a married couple and has provided them with the  map and tools they need to achieve oneness.  What stops them from taking the necessary steps in the sand to get there?


Like the Israelites in the Book of Exodus, my friend has a Promised Land waiting for her in a solid marriage after enslavement in the form of  a spouse's adultery and addiction.  When one spouse is in, the other is, too, whether she knows it or not at the time.

The Israelites had hope as they left slavery's bonds in Egypt.  God had the Promised Land in store for them; they needed only follow him and obey his commands. The Israelites tried and failed and repeated.  God gave them instructions that they managed to avoid following exactly or at all!  Like the Israelites, my friend has managed to circumvent God's intended route for such a long period of time she feels discouraged at ever entering the marriage she has the promise to achieve.  She has frozen in her tracks.

She knows God's promises stand, but she keeps balking on the ones that require her to take action.  She knows his Word is true, yet she has a human hold on allowing it to prosper in her life.

Our own ways and means get in the way of God's ways and means.

Wandering aimlessly in a dry place within marriage looks just like the Israelites meandering through the desert longer than they should have.  Forty years is a long time in the desert, and a few months is quite lengthy in marriage time.  Yet, God moved with the Israelites every step of the way.  He abides with us with the same constancy, and provides instruction in his Word:  Genesis, Matthew, Mark, Corinthians, Colossians, Ephesians, and 1 Peter.  He also provides the Holy Spirit to dwell in each of us (when we ask it and commit our lives to Him).  He provides role models around us and gives us support staff in the form of pastors, elders, teachers, and friends who have good marriages and who support and encourage the good work involved in sustaining a marriage relationship.  He also engages us in learning and growth experiences that serve to instruct us in areas of weakness.  Every experience comes to us with the purpose of making us stronger, building perseverance and character, and making us more godly in our actions and reactions.

And that's where we -- and my friend -- fail.  We like to avoid painful experiences.  Haven't we all had enough of them?  We want to build a bridge over the quagmire that may surround us, rather than plod and fight through it to the other side.  We have learned quite enough, thank you.  No more, please.

But that's not what this life has for us.  Our God makes it plain through the lives of all He illustrated in his Word -- His people don't have it easy.  They pursue godliness by working through the blind selfishness of human nature, by conquering human want, by eliminating human envy and boasting, by putting self last.

James 1:2-4 says, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

And in Revelation 3:10, "Because you have kept my word about patient endurance, I will keep you from the hour of trial that is coming on the whole world, to try those who dwell on the earth.

This dear friend of mine knows the danger of the desert:  commiserating with those wandering with her.  She fully understands that misery loves company, and that finding someone in similar circumstances will allow her to vent but not find a better way.  When we complain to and another person in a similar situation, we bond with that person in that situation -- we don't lift each other out of it, but hold each other in place and usually make the trouble worse.  The Israelites grumbled and complained together, succeeding in stirring up strife and not solving a single problem.  Only by following God's way did they come into the Promised Land.

It's much easier to see from the sidelines or from a view above the valley.  It's much easier to see for those of us having come out of our own wandering season in that same desert, what my friend may accomplish if she would:

1. cast out fear and rely on God
2. take action toward the positive at every opportunity
3. avoid the tendency to self pity and self indulge (conquered already)
4. pray without ceasing, pouring her soul out to God, conversing with Him throughout the journey
5. take the initiative (in whatever area causes the wandering) prepare to succeed, though some difficulties may arise and mistakes will happen, refining her in the process

Tripping and falling on God's path may cause a bit of pain and require that a person pick herself up and continue onward.  The way won't necessarily be without trial.  Yet it taking paths of our own making -- that God did not intend for us -- will cause far more suffering and missed opportunities to succeed the first time.

God isn't the one making mistakes.  It's us.  He will continue to lead, and it's in our best interest to follow, if only we can get past our own short-sightedness.

My friend is looking past the desert and seeing what the Promised Land will offer her.  God is ready to lead her into it.  She need only take those first steps.

It's your turn.  What Marriage Desert experiences have you had?  How did God help you move on toward your own Promised Land?

Women Give Wives a Bad Name

Women.  Men can't figure us out most of the time.  We puzzle, attract, confuse, interest, confound, frustrate, intrigue, and plain old flabbergast our men, all while doing what we think makes love real and causes respect to happen.

All of us make mistakes.  Looking all the way back to Eve, we women are bound to compare what we have with what we think we're missing and feel underprivileged at the imagining of what others might have.

And we're wrong more often than not.

Certainly, a large number of women suffer in marriage relationships.  Abuse, neglect, and indifference exist.  A sad fact and a growing statistic.  But, a larger number of women have a diamond-in-the-rough kind of marriage -- at least I see it as a larger number, because I also firmly believe every marriage has a path of its own and we have the job of taking it for God's reasons.  Most women, if they understood what they have, would see a pearl; a long time in the making, but worth the effort and having incomparable value.

Yet, women have this uncanny knack for digging potholes in the road to marital oneness, for sabotaging the gift God gave them in the early days of their love-building, respect-offering relationship with the man God presented as "the one".

God ordained marriage and He doesn't make mistakes.  We make plenty of them, yet He uses those very mistakes to make something beautiful.  We just don't allow Him the time, the elements necessary (our minds, hearts and spirits), or the leeway.

We women have this terrible tendency to try to harness God.  That huge, mighty, all-powerful God of the Universe, Creator of All ... and we, in effect, muzzle him, constrain him and tell him "I know better."

I never said those words out loud or thought of myself as doing those restrictive acts, but I can see that I did.  I'm willing to bet you have too, and maybe are doing it right now.

When you ask God to shine his spotlight on your wifely wrongs and your faults that you don't recognize in yourself, hang on tight. When a woman opens her mind and frees her heart for God to tune, wondrous occurrences take place. Transformation happens, beauty grows, truth reigns and peace covers every area.

Giving the control to God frees a woman, but she has to overcome the fear of handing it to Him. What will she do? How will anything happen in the family? How will tasks be accomplished and how will decisions be made? How will life, as we know it, go on?

It won't go on as we know it.  It will move on to something better.  God knows better.  We just-a-bit-lower-than-angels people do NOT.

Women give wives a bad name.  Within our marriage and/or family structure, how many times have you, the woman felt you have:

• known better
• done more
• inferred more accurately
• understood the situation completely
• acted with better intentions
• thought more clearly
• created better flow
• directed activity with more ability and better outcomes
• tended the flock with more care
• shown love more
• made better decision
• cared more deeply 

You assumed  the responsibility and the existence some or all or more that these things in the lives of your husband and family, yet truly believed you held the key to marriage and family thriving?  Maybe you were or are not so far into the deception that you may have thought you had a better bead on the target and that
if only he would listen,
if only he would see it another way (in other words MY way),
if only he would do what I ask,
everything would fall into place.
The place you have designated as right, wholesome, important, fulfilling, manageable, peaceful, and even righteous.

A sad lot, we womenfolk.  We want our marriage to tick, and then we go and wind it too tightly.  We want our marriage to hum, and then rewrite the tune.  We want our marriage to thrive and we deprive it of the nutrients and care required because we don't understand the real needs of the growing relationship.

We may even pray our way through all of it, feeling righteous with a heavy coating of "SELF" applied, and not realizing how heavy-handed, high and mighty, and unprofitable our efforts play out in reality.

I was blind and now I see.  Not perfectly, but I do see where I erred, where I make mistakes now, and where I can make changes, corrections and steps forward without demolishing progress with my own brand of marriage construction.  I speak to the same type of blind women every week who think they can see exactly where the errors lie.  If only he would ...  

Just because you claim to make room for the Holy Spirit in your heart does not mean you heed it.  We, as free-will people, created that way by God, can ignore the Spirit within us until we become numb to the nudging.

When we operate alone, of our own desire and from our own volition, we suffer at our own hands.

A wise woman builds her house.

    But a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands.  ~Proverbs 14:1

Take the initiative this week to give up.  Control, that is.

Give "wife" a good name in your home.  Spread the word.  Share the light.

What do you think?  How do women cast wifehood in a bad light?  Do you agree or disagree?

Trust: You're Either In or You're Out

Do you trust?  Let's go one more.  Do you trust your husband? Only two answers apply.  Trust has a quirk in that anything aside from "yes" means no.

Maybe?  That leaves room for doubt, moving to "no".

Most of the time?  No, again.

Unless it has to do with money/time management/friends/other women/porn/lust/how he parents/making decisions?  No.


See the pattern?

In marriage, as in life, when it comes to trust you're either in or you're out.  Trust doesn't provide any grey areas.  It's complete, no matter how you look at it, how you'd like to bend it, or which direction you try to spin it.  Trust is absolute.  Yes or no.

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.  ~James 1:12

Ah, marriage.  If marriage isn't living "under trial", I don't know what is.  If you have a husband, you have stood under trials of all kinds since the day you tied the knot.  You have had arguments, both face-to-face and one-sided.  You have disagreed.  You have felt unloved.  You have compared your husband to others.  You have judged.  You have been judged.  You have cried tears of sorrow, shame, frustration and anger.  You may have given birth.  You have felt emotionally outcast.  You have cared for a husband with illness.  You have felt left out.  You have been tempted.  You have smiled when you wanted to cry.  You have parleyed with in-laws.  You have tried and failed.  You have paid bills with short funds, created dinner out of fragments, and made the most out of the least.  You have felt insignificant.  You have felt second to sports on television.  You have experience loneliness in a roomful of people.  You have cried over spilled milk.

You trials may be more than those, and they may be different.  The point remains, married people have some suffering under their belts.  The suffering happens in doses at different times, and we never want it or think we need it.  Sometimes, we just don't like each other very well.  We irritate each other, make the other pay (unintentionally) for a bad day, and simply don't put our best face on for each other at all times ... when we should always!  Having trust in the relationship makes a difference in all these experiences.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.   ~Proverbs 3:5-8

We can always, without any doubt, trust God.  He will never fail us.  Our human marriage partners -- our husbands -- may let us down from time to time, and sometimes for a long time, but God never, NEVER will.  He makes promises and keeps them, because love never fails, and God is love -- the inventor and the master of it.

And so, what do you do if you don't have the trust you know would make the difference in marriage?  

You love.  

You love deeply and always, and with every fiber of your being.  It will be hard, it will break you into pieces sometimes, and it can hurt.  It may not be returned to you in ways you will hope, but it will make the difference to you in your heart, your mind and your spirit.  

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, 

because love covers a multitude of sins. 

~1 Peter 4:8

You can learn to trust, just as you learned to love.  You have to put yourself out there to do it -- you can't go into trust-building half-heartedly, but you can do it one-sided, just as you can do in love.  As trust is all in, so is building it.  You may have a few bricks fall here and there, but you can put them back, firmly seat them and keep working.  Each woman's blueprint will look different.  I can't offer you mine to follow, nor can your best friend give you hers and hope you will find answers you need in your individual situation.  

Trust is not "one size fits all", and neither is the love that we foster in our relationship.  

Examine yourself, examine your daily life and your actions/reactions.  Look closely at how you receive information from the man you married.  Do you wear an expression of distrust?  Change it to a receptive, listening, caring one.  Do you second-guess most of what he says?  Go with the words he says without reframing them in negativity.  Do you put his needs last because of your trust issues?  Put his needs in the first space on your list -- every day.  The only person you can change is you ... those around you will feel the influence of your example, but you have to walk it instead of talk it.  

You can demand change, but you won't get it from the heart.  You can write a contract for change, but a person will find loopholes and alternate routes.  You can orchestrate change, but your husband might like different music and will dance in a different way.  You can pray for change, but sitting back and waiting for it will get you nowhere.

The person you can change = YOU.  Only and ever.  Everyone else will give you fits of frustration because you will have tried to be their own, personal, self-appointed Holy Spirit.  That never works.  From my own experience I affirm that!

Make changes in God's style, and change can happen.  BIG change.  Brace yourself for it!

Those who come from a place of lost trust know how it feels, and it doesn't contain any sweetness.  Whether you have done the damage yourself, or you suffered at the hands of your husband, the rebuilding can happen.  Like love, it takes time, patience and action -- three things most of us don't have when it comes to love and trust ... but the building of it and the power of it makes up for the use of our resources.  Bind time, patience and action with prayer, and you have a package that will deliver.

When you lean on God through trust-building, you also learn to trust in Him more.  He will guide your path, and He will hold you up when you feel you can't take another step.  You aren't in it alone, not for a minute.  But you have to make the connection, and keep it up every day.  

Feeling distrust hurts.  Feeling distrusted hurts.  Do your best to make the changes to help alleviate the pain, knowing that change lies in your hands.  You can't redistribute it, pawn it off, or pass the buck on this and find the peace of trust in your marriage, or in any relationship.  

Get with God and start on that blueprint, then follow it.  This is a construction project you can't afford to miss.