Opposite Sex Frienship Revisited: You Cannot Have It All

The question of opposite-sex friendship keeps rising.  Between e-mail questions and Internet searches, it's getting bigger, more people have questions about it, more people ask,

"Is it okay to have opposite-sex friends once you marry?"  

The number of queries on the topic utters a collective, "I'm unsure about this."

Is it right or wrong?  If you have a husband, do you keep the boy friend as a go-to?  If you have married, do you keep the male pals? Should your husband have girl friends call and touch base with them on his off time? Should he have a go-to girl aside from you?

Best answer:  no.

In considering the time and effort involved in developing the emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical aspects of marriage, how does an opposite-sex friend enhance the husband-wife bond?  Does it enhance it, or does it divide or cut small pieces from it?  The phrase we hear in marriage ceremonies addressing this is "put asunder."

The word "asunder" means to divide, break into pieces, break, apart from each other, into parts.

Mark 10:9 states, "What God has joined together, let no one put asunder."  That's no man, no woman, nobody.

Male-female, or opposite-sex friendship in a marriage relationship, defies biblical logic, and the verses that tell us how to act in our marriage relationship are not only simple and short, they get to the point.

Beginning in Genesis (the beginning), chapter 2, verses 23-24 read,

 "The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man. 

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

Paying close attention to the second verse (the point), some Bible translations state, "cleave to his wife," which makes the understanding clearer and stronger.  As husband and wife, we are to bond, cleave, connect, unite, become one.  How does a husband or wife connect fully with a spouse when another opposite-sex person has a spot on the perch, too?  When your heart reaches out to another of the opposite sex in a caring way, without including your mate completely, you have stopped bonding, cleaving, connecting, uniting and becoming one with only one man.  There just isn't any other way to see it, except that many people feel that this kind of "extracurricular" relationship sits on the list of their rights as human beings.

Most certainly, you have a right to choose. Choose to have a husband with whom you build a life, or stay single and enjoy friendship with other men.  You cannot have both happily. 

"HA!" you say.  


Intimate Relationships Change Friendship

Though unmarried, in college, I was the "gal pal" to a group of guys.  They picked me up at my dorm to walk to the dining hall for meals.  They walked to class with me and we purposely registered for elective courses together.  We danced at music events, saw movies and took walks around campus and around town.  We studied at the library, shared our thoughts about the future and our experiences in faith.  Usually two or more of them and me, but sometimes one-on-one, just hanging around for a while, joking, shooting the breeze, doing nothing in particular.  We visited at each other's homes during school breaks.  I had a great time.  I felt no pressure for anything more than good, solid friendship.  Then, after two years of chumminess, the guys started pairing off with other women.  I didn't fit and I knew it.  It felt lonely, even crushing at times.  The other women had top billing, and I represented a threat to their relationship-building because I could distract those gentlemen from what was really important at that time -- building a relationship that meant more intimacy on all levels than I would provide.  Inside, I just knew.  I felt ousted from a place I enjoyed and felt comfortable, and that meant hurt and confusion for a while for me.  I had fulfilled my purpose as a very close friend and had slid in the ranking to a mix of common acquaintance and schoolmate.  Friendly, but not close and constant.  

If I had tried to keep my status, continuing to join in usual activities, I would have driven a wedge or poked the relationships with a stick.  Any insistence on further inclusion would have infiltrated in a negative way.  My emotional bonds with the men didn't go further than laughter and some great discussions, but those same innocent doings represented danger to them in their dating relationships.

We send Christmas cards now. Have been for 22 years, and the only information we share involves what we're doing with our spouses and children.  These make the only worthy subjects between adults where any one of them holds the title of "married person".  When a man and woman enter into a courtship or dating relationship, other friends take a back seat.  Friendships may change in depth and distance, and some lose their appeal completely.  Why?  Because in a male-female relationship the heart and mind change to accommodate new thoughts and feelings and to engage in the relationship fully -- to the exclusion of others in many ways.  When sharing of emotions begins, hearts soften and include that person differently, as a most important person.  Perhaps an MIP, as opposed to a VIP.  Many people in life have "very important" status, but only one human in a married relationship holds that "most important" place.

Forsaking all others ... we vow it, and with good reason.  With a marriage involved, forsaking all others is the only way to ensure that you will grow intimacy and protect it from all sides.  


See and Be Seen

Opposite-sex friendship can easily -- very, very, startlingly easily -- turn to more than occasional sharing of interests, basic conversation and a cup of coffee.  When it turns to secret phone calls/video calls, password-protected environments and feelings of uneasiness/disgust/irritation/disdain with your actual, vow-covered spouse, you need to sincerely evaluate what you're doing.  Stop it, throw it in reverse and get outta there.  Ask forgiveness of God and use the grace and mercy He shows you to rejuvenate the relationship with your husband.  For better or for worse means everything.

Ephesians 5:21 makes another point for strong union that doesn't leave room for interlopers as it reads, 

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

Submit?  Not enslavement here, but an incomparable, amazing, all-encompassing give-and-take, loving and respectful relationship with the one I pledge my life to ... until death.  I can't pledge my life to my husband and have another man on the side to share in activities that leave my husband out or that have me sharing secrets or feelings or inner thoughts and hopes ... which is intimacy, my friend.  If you're sharing intimate moments -- having nothing to do with physical love, but feelings, thoughts and hopes -- with another man, you have lost your target.  Set your sights correctly and don't take your eyes off the target.  Your husband is IT.  Look no further.  If you are, your aimlessness will have you ending up with nothing.  Self-control.  Use it. 


The Final Question

The question isn't, "Is it okay to have opposite-sex friends after marriage?"  The question is, 

"Do you want to be married, or not?"

There you have it.  You cannot have your cake and eat it, too.  You cannot have it all.  You cannot  have the relationship God ordained and have another man (or more) on the side, too.  

The only thing your husband and other men should share is a Y chromosome.  You, as a wife, are off the friendship market.  You, your husband and another man?  Go skiing, take a hike, play golf, have conversation, go to dinner.  No problem.  You and the other man?  Nope.  Go find some diversions with your husband.  He isn't your last resort or your only option, but he is the only safe haven in the world of men for you, his wife.


What concerns do you have with opposite-sex friendship?  Do you agree or disagree with the need to cleave, leaving others behind?  Share your feelings and experiences ... a large number of people want to know!

Are You a Marriage Pilgrim or Fugitive?

In 1620, the Pilgrims arrived in Plymouth, Massachusetts, their chosen location for a new way of life and freedom to worship God as they chose.  They had a destination in mind, and they put all their effort and thought toward that one pinpoint on the map.  When they sailed in sight of land, the collective "Hurrah!" from the travel-weary passengers must have rung throughout the heavens.

Pilgrims.  Destination known.

In 73 B.C., Spartacus led an uprising of slaves against the Roman Empire and fled as a fugitive from the Romans for two years.  Not wanting to suffer at the hands of the Romans, known for harsh prison conditions, torture and getting their prey as close to death as possible without going over the line, Spartacus took the role of fugitive.  Never safe for long.  No end to running in any direction that appeared safe.

Fugitives.  Destination unknown.  

In your marriage, which role do you play? Do you have a destination in mind that will make marriage more satisfying and allow for you and your spouse to grow together and build intimacy? Do you act as a fugitive and run at the slightest sign of discomfort or danger to yourself?


Stay and Work or Run and Hide?

Anyone out there not wanting to take the pilgrim route?  Planning, instructions, learning, praying, and a definite direction take the important roles in moving toward a solid, healthy marriage.  When you follow the plan you find yourself putting forth a lot of energy and time, but when you do, you find yourself reaping rewards at various intervals, and you can feel and see yourself and your husband moving closer to the goal.  You not only get a glimpse of a healthy and happy relationship, you begin to feel it, to know that it will last, and to feel fulfilled in your marriage.

Yet, how many times do we run and/or hide?  Maybe you run at the merest suggestion of conflict.  Perhaps you hide from the truth about yourself or about what your marriage really looks like on the inside.  You may run to what looks like a safe haven when you aren't on good footing in your marriage, and find yourself in deeper trouble and then set out to run from that.  The fugitive style of handling marriage promises lots of work for very little return.  You may run for months or years and find yourself farther away from comfort and love.  You can work very hard on your own spur-of-the-moment plans only to find yourself caught by another wave of distrust from a husband who not only can't read your mind, he doesn't understand that women and men are so different.


The Pilgrim Perspective

I say we do the pilgrim thing.  Take the plan (the Bible -- specifically Ephesians 5:21-33) and work toward each known aspect, keeping our focus on respecting our husbands and showing loving kindness in many small ways every day.  The greatest news lies in the fact that our biblical instructions come in a very short list!  Submit (honor, defer to, work closely with) to my  husband and respect him.

These two requirements cover everything, and if followed closely and with great care, they will lead you right where you want to go.  When you have had plenty of practice with respect and submission, you will find you have learned more ways to expand your horizons in marriage in godly ways.  You will learn to thrive as you head toward your destination.  You will no longer wonder, but wait for more and better.  You will, by following His plan and praying through your days, grow closer to God.

You will fail many times.  You will retrace steps or go off the path to check out someone else's travel route.  But, when you resolve to take that pilgrimage to a biblically sound marriage, you will never want for more.


The Fugitive's Route

The fugitive route will get you pretty far -- far from anything solid and safe.  You will beg for scraps from your mate, work furiously on your own agenda and promote your own motives with your actions and reactions.  You will look to people around you for guidance (human frailty) and short-lived successes that will fail in short-term and frustrate you in the long-term.  You will continue looking for more and better answers and keep running hither and yon ... searching.  You will seek and never find.  You will grow tired, you will compare yourself to others, you will feel like quitting.  Your hope for better will dim.  You will turn to friends before turning to your husband.  You may find relief in other relationships.  Your marriage will continue to thin as supply outweighs demand.  You will be a prisoner of your own inability to find peace and solid ground that you can claim as your own in your marriage.


It's Not Ancient History

Marriage is a timeless means of connecting a man and woman in a relationship that can and should last a lifetime.  No matter how many years they have together, a husband and wife will find joy and oneness together when they follow a time-tried route.

Everyone's marriage will differ in scope and sequence, but the basics will show.  Love.  Respect.  Mutual submission.  A help-meet woman alongside her leader husband.  When you meet a couple who lives out their marriage this way, you know it.  They have contentment.  They have trust and honor in their lives.  They don't waver, they don't search outwardly.  They don't envy nor do they boast.

From Adam and Eve to you and your husband, any marriage that has followed The Plan and has looked to the Author of it for guidance has found it.  Those who follow The Plan want to share it with others.  It works.  When taken seriously and lived fully, it never fails.

Get into Ephesians and see how simple the directions appear.  Pray on them.  Resolve to imitate them, to live them, and to not look back at what the world has to offer.  The Bible will never change, while the world will change often and to the detriment of those who follow it.


What have you discovered when you have looked to the world for advice?  
If you have "gone Bible" in your marriage, what was the easiest part?  The hardest? 
How do you present a biblical marriage to someone who wants better?

The Consequences of Your Choices Don't Wash Away

I didn't have a choice.
There was no way around it.
I didn't realize it until it was too late.
I take it back.
Let's start again.
The Devil made me do it.


We All Make Easy Mistakes

Mistakes?  We've all made them.  Bad choices?  Yep.  We make wrong turns in life, we ask for "do-overs" that don't ever succeed in erasing a mistake or a hurt.  When we do or say the wrong thing we can't take it back, make it disappear, change it into something else, fix it ... or forget it completely.

Whatever I choose to do counts.

Every action has a consequence.  Everything I say, do and think matters.  Every choice or preference leaves its own specific feedback in the lives of everyone involved ... even when I think I'm making choices that affect only me.  My choices affect my husband, too, whether he knows of them or not.

We all nod in agreement when we think of us all lumped in together, doing small "this or that" items that we know we shouldn't and then having to suffer consequences.  If I forget to return library books on time I will pay a fine. If I eat too much my clothing will not fit (like now, for instance). If I don't keep up with my family's laundry none of us will have clean clothes to wear.  Simple and straightforward, what I do matters.  I get it.  I understand.  No problem.

But.


Got Secrets?

It feels a lot different when sin sits deeper than the surface.  The hidden or secret things a person may do -- on the sly or within the confidence of another person -- that we don't want anyone else to discover don't come out of hiding easily, even when talked to nicely and offered a cookie.  Those secret sins, if uncovered, will change the way others perceive us.  Those secret sins begin to leak, like the juices from rotting food in the refrigerator, and cause people to sniff, wonder and search for the problem.  Soon, the whole place begins to smell funny -- you just can't stop it until you reach in there, find the bad piece, and remove it for good.

Recently, a couple of officers of our Parent-Teacher Organization at school found their secrets uncovered in a check-writing scheme, in which tens of thousands of dollars left the group's bank account and went to their personal accounts.  Someone caught a funny smell in the air, began searching, and within a period of time, the rotten thing showed.  The school district removed it, and now the police have the job of handling the situation as the law dictates.  Whether a fine or jail time comes to them in the future, the ladies will pay a penalty.

These women can find forgiveness from God, but the aftermath will take years to rebuild in the community and maybe in their families, as well.  Excuses they offered don't matter.  They lied and stole.  They have to get busy doing whatever it takes to show that they can handle trust again.

Secret sin has to be removed in order to live in harmony with our mates (as well as others around us) and with God.  God won't bless us with sin in the way, and our husbands won't be able to figure out our odd behavior, which secretiveness brings, no matter how we try to conceal the falsehoods and live as if nothing foul is leaching from the back of the refrigerator.

Choosing to deviate from God's path for you may appear in your life as:

- financial indiscretion or a shopping addiction.
- eating (too much or too little) in secret.
- having an opposite-sex friendship that feels fulfilling and seems innocent.
- lying -- of all kinds and sizes.
- engaging in an affair (emotional or sexual) with subsequent blame/rationale.
- uncontrolled electronic/technological activity.
- insert your secret sin here:  _________________


You Can Find Forgiveness and You Will Have Work to Do!

No matter what your poor choice(s),  your deviation from the right path, God will forgive -- if you ask with a contrite (sincerely sorry) heart.  A mighty thought to have is that all of us have the power to change, through His grace and mercy, and to climb out of the pits we have dug to higher and higher ground, led by Him, not by man.

But we won't be able to change the consequences, erase the wrongs we did, or make everyone touched by our thoughtlessness and selfishness feel warm and fuzzy, hunky-dory, and right as rain in one prayerful act.  

There's nothing like forgiveness to cheer up a human being.  At the same time, there's nothing like dealing with the consequences of our actions to keep us mindful of just how far our own selfishness and tunnel vision took us, and then, we see our husbands, children, friends and family alongside our jagged pathway, as if thrown from the vehicle ... bedraggled, hurt (maybe gravely), confused, distrustful, and in shock.

God will forgive me.  Then the hard part begins.

I have to work really hard to get back the devotion, trust, love, and support of those whom I may have ignored, hurt, betrayed, deceived, or confused.  Did I say "work really hard?"  I tend to understate things when I'm not overstating them.  The truth is, I will not get off anywhere close to easy, and should I?  Absolutely not.   If I have acted carelessly, I should have to prove that I can act carefully.  I must take as much time as my victims need in order to regain their trust and all the other attributes that I have lost by my own choices.  I will live under a microscope for as long as it takes to show that I know I have done wrong, that I want to change, and that I work for that change.


God will not wash away the consequences.  The sin?  Yes.  The rest is up to me.  I must sincerely work at changing myself through prayer, learning, studying, sharing and communicating well with the man I married, as well as with those people in my life who should be in it.  Those I have invited into my life via the intrusive, wrong behaviors, I must usher out and close the door for good.  For the good of everyone involved!


A Sin Is a Sin, No Matter How Small

While committing adultery or grand theft don't seem the same as holding a library book too long or driving faster that the posted speed, all have consequences that we must face.

Continuing to try to hide, working to keep up appearances, hoping no one mentions a difficult subject or moves in the direction of your secret is no way to live.  Make the changes now.  Take on your own sin, take it to the Father of All and lay it out before him.  Every stinking, rotten detail.  And ask His forgiveness.

Then, get to work.  You can do it.  Know how I know?  You'll have God on your side.

Stop the Bullying: Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Love.  It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. 

It doesn't keep track of wrongs.

I Corinthians 13:5

Go ahead.  Out them.  

You have a group of them, don't you?  They lurk, waiting to make an appearance when they can exhibit their strength, their power over you.  You know what it feels like, that in-the-past wrong-doing committed by your husband at your expense.  The giant debit column.  The list of wrongs.  The gang of bullies in an otherwise congenial community of experiences.

The irritations, annoyances, hurts, and painful memories attached to my husband over the years can get to me (if I let them).  I don't have a list in my head that I can rattle off on command, and most of the time, I don't remember a single negative occurrence.  But, once in a while, such as when other women complain about their husbands, or when an everyday occurrence triggers a memory, they can get to me -- if I let them have the chance.  If I give them that kind of power.

That bully metaphor?  Think about it.  It has "mean, inconsiderate husband" written all over it.  In real life, a bully has power over me when I allow him to intimidate me with words or with physical threat.  Our children have experienced bullying, and what do we tell them to do?  We ply them with a consistent list of anti-bullying measures:  

• pray for your enemy - for good things to come to him
• try to ignore his antics repeatedly until he loses interest/goes away
• stand up for yourself -- say something in response
• get help from someone in authority if you feel you are in danger

These same measures work for me as a wife, struggling against the bullying of Satan as he attempts to exert power over me in my marriage.  He wants nothing more than to rule over or destroy what God has created, and ... have you noticed what has happened to marriage lately?  Have you ever heard of more turmoil and seen more divorce or separation than you do in these modern, progressive, technologically advanced times? 

The Bible and its guiding principles don't read as modern or progressive or technologically advanced, but if you have Divine Guidance in reading it, studying it and praying about it, you have something timeless and that means it keeps up with the times.

God's word follows us into these modern times with consistent measures that work -- if we will put them to use.  When we guide our children, we do the same thing, providing them with guidance that will serve them all their lives, if only they respect it and remember it.  Our instruction will never fail them, when given with positive outcomes in mind.  In other words, it will work for them if it does not focus on restitution, vengeance, self-indulgence or self-righteousness, but on what is just and right.

Hmmmm.  Biblical!

Do yourself some good.  Oust those bullies in your brain.  You know they hide in there, that group of sneering no-goods that have perfect timing, never get caught and often turn up to join the fray in an argument or in that group of friends or coworkers who seem to feel vindicated when sharing the lows of their marriages, rather than the highs.  

Those antibullying measures work against the negative feelings and hurts.  Those bullying forces that play with my senses, encouraging me to revisit pain, to keep opening wounds that have begun to heal, to allow Satan a foot in the door to my thoughts and feelings -- they all need to go.  

The approach look like this.  I think you'll recognize it:

• pray for your enemy - for good things to come to him.  This means praying for protection against your own mind, and asking God to help you refocus on what good things your marriage has brought you, looking for the positives in your husband and praying for any healing and for conviction of sin that may exist -- in both of you.  It also means forgiving your husband for those past hurts.  Doing so helps free you from the power they hold over you.
• try to ignore his antics repeatedly until he loses interest/goes away.  This means don't take the bait.  When you recognize a trigger that brings out the bad, don't give in to it.  Turn another direction, become interested in something else.  Don't let the negatives have any of your attention.  Pray. 
• stand up for yourself -- say something in response.  A good "get thee behind me Satan!" does wonders.  Say it out loud, silently command it in your mind.  Research a Bible verse that brings you peace and comfort and trot it out in front of the Enemy.  God's word has more power than the Evil One ever will, as long as we remember to use it.  In the Armor of God (Ephesians 6), the Word (Bible and its contents) is the Sword of the Spirit for a good reason.  Use it for good.
• get help from someone in authority if you feel you are in danger.  This would be God.  Turn to Him in prayer and pour it all out to him.  The wrongs of a spouse, if we don't forgive them, will fester and can cause us to sin (turning away from spouse, turning to another person for comfort, act out wrongly, have harsh thoughts).  If you really find yourself tortured by bullying memories and , find a godly human guide who will help you through in a way that honors God and your marriage.  No gossip allowed, no slandering, no rehearsing of wrongs, and no opposite-sex mentors.

There you have it.  When you take the time to train yourself to a better approach, your mind begins to follow more readily.  One day, you may find that list of wrongs balled up in a corner of your mind.  You may never forget them completely, but you will know better than to flatten the paper and reread it.

When you fill more pages with the good stuff of marriage -- because that's what you choose to focus on -- you will want to celebrate that, instead.

How have you turned away bullying thoughts in your life about your husband or marriage?  What's your "go to" Bible verse?  What does your husband do that really floats your boat?

The Work Stress Effect on Marriage

I firmly believe that some people do not feel a great deal of pressure from their source of income.  In other words, some folks don't suffer work stress, or much of it.  Maybe they just know how to handle it, and it rolls like water off a duck's back.

I did not marry one of those people.  I did not realize this until later in our life -- but it had been there all the time.  I had cues and clues, but no clear category under which to place them, until finally, everything added up and I found "work stress" as the answer.

It's a beastly thing, if you have it, or if your husband suffers from it.

Naming it, owning it, discussing it and finding alternate avenues of handling it took years for us.  Don't let it take that long for you.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  ~~Matthew 11:28-29

When Stress Comes to Stay

Never did I realize how purposefully God moves until several years into marriage, when I realized how much stress my husband carries daily, and that I have an important role in that stress ... to help relieve it.

However, in our first few years of marriage, I didn't recognize the way stress built in him -- I simply couldn't understand his behavior.  I worked, too, in those years, and every Sunday night I felt the mania that a looming Monday morning brings to so many nine-to-fivers in the working world.

While I could shed the irritations and aggravations of the work day,  my husband continued to wear his.  I thought he just didn't have any desire to relate to me and often wore his heart on his sleeve along with a chip on his shoulder, when really, his feelings of stress multiplied and coated him in layers.  Within a few years of working his first job, he had wore a cloak of stress as his main wardrobe item ... and it clashed with everything.

Hanging back, not wanting to irritate him, I didn't ask many questions.  When I did, he didn't have enough experience with his working world self to understand how much work weighed on him.  Any irritation he felt he often placed on me.  

Sufferers of stress often place blame on those unaffiliated with the stress and a spouse sits as Target #1. Always there and easy to hit.  Unrelated to the source of stress, a wife brings on a different kind of stress:  dependence on love, need for emotional give and take, a share in the financial gain from the stress source (job), and the living day to day with irritating methods of toothpaste tube folding,  taking all the covers at night, and wanting to have a life that does not take place in front of the television or computer screen.

When job stress takes over, the little irritations grow to the size of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons without warning.

I didn't catch onto the fact that his temper flared easily beginning on Sunday morning.  I didn't realize that his lack of enthusiasm for any activity I suggested lay in his long-time habit of worrying about the upcoming week well in advance. This tendency overpowered his capacity for diversion and joy, and I did not have a concept of how to effectively redirect his attention from those worries or to stop from adding to them inadvertently.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  ~~Matthew 6:25-27

The Void Faith Should Fill

Work stress becomes a habit and worsens in a personality that has no outlet for it.  It feeds on itself and on every activity outside its usual domain that requires planning, social/family interaction, financial input, or infringement on "free" time.  The hardest habit to break in a work-stressed husband is the "escape factor" -- zoning on mindless activities that lead nowhere for long periods of time (electronics, television, gaming).  The man I married inherited his inability to handle stress (not at all or ineffectively), and learned how to react (panic, anger, worry, negative thoughts, diversion, escape) instead of act (solve problems, think positively, pray, manage resources, engage in physical activity), probably before birth.  Because I did not grow up with that kind of pressure from the inside out, I did not come equipped to combat it.

God would have been our answer, and would have filled the void we both had at that time in our marriage.  We did not invite him in ... or rather, we did not let him out of the church at our wedding.

We did not have a faith hold in the early years of our marriage, and it showed.  We struggle and we flailed wildly in all directions, hoping to hit a moving target we could not identify.  We made it through with lots of emotional baggage which we carried for years.  We worked together, commuted together and spent most of our time together, and while we enjoyed much of it, I had the role of talking him down from the ledge whenever an attack of stress hit -- and my methods became predictable and distasteful ... and added to his stress level.

We did not talk about stress or how to manage it because we didn't realize that was the answer to the questions we didn't ask.  Neither of us prayed, and we felt the invincibility of the 20-something years.  Physical ailments and hard economic choices hadn't touched us.  We hadn't had any run-ins with dire circumstances.  The false feeling of "can do" no matter what or how large the challenge ruled in our lives.  Faith, though I called myself a Christian, had no role in our individual lives.

We stayed together because we had vowed to, didn't think we had another option, and figured if we fought hard enough for our own individual versions of "right", someone would win.  Neither of us would give up or give in, and neither of us would give up our desire to be right.

We earned our scars.

In future years, as hardships involving finances, child-bearing woes, job changes, and forced separations due to work travel entered our lives, God began to squeeze in, too.  He's merciful like that.


Categorizing Stress and Containing It

As difficulties crossed our path or entered our lives and put down roots, we struggled against each other harder.  I had the answers and so did he, and few of them matched.  Life had to hit us several times before we could see the whole picture ... that so many areas of life don't need to be scheduled or require back-up, and most of the good things happen when we don't feel like doing anything more than collapsing from mental exhaustion.  We have to let our hearts fill with good things to build a strong framework of positive outlook and possibility, rather than look at each day as just another purveyor of doom and gloom, and someone else's emergencies.

Work stress still happens, but the life events that have taken place anyway have framed it better.  Work will always offer stressful situations and my husband will always bring the level head in handling other people's emergencies.

My husband had to have knee surgery in order to feel what "no stress" feels like.  He had to take a month away from work to remember how it feels to sleep through the night and to sit back and enjoy his children and his life.  He had to leave the office to realize that mindless or repetitive escape activities served only to fill time and alienate people.  He had to turn in the wrong directions in order to experience the grace and mercy of the Right Direction.

Now, 20-plus years past those years of struggle and confusion built on lack of understanding and short experience, we have the stressors named.

- work
- financial stability 
- lack of real rest - sleeping well, but also having recreation ... something to do that has a product or a definite positive effect on life, and is measurable in some way.  Hobbies, exercise, family time, etc., make the difference between purposeful and wasted time.  These things allow for mental rest, even though they require attention and focus.  They offer a different kind of "stress", and ease the unhealthy pressures.
- feeling faithless - as we learn more about faith and put it to work, stress decreases.  Faithlessness puts more pressure on self, to succeed and to provide and to maintain life independently.  Growing faith reverses those pressures.


The Fix

- God.  The Customer Service Professional.  Go to Him first.
- the Bible.  No self-help book exists that will offer answers to carry a work-stressed person over the course of a working lifetime like the Bible.  To enhance the experience, prayer has a direct line to the Author for questions and feedback  (Tweet, if you like).   No self-help writer can beat that.  Go there.  It works.
- prayer - as the wife of the work-stressed husband, this has led me to find new ways to meet the stress head-on, to divert my husband's learned behavior of "zoning", and to encourage him in multiple ways every day.  Without prayer and growing faith, I could not be the help-meet in this situation.  Because of prayer, I have power, and my husband has the blessing of it.

He gives power to the weak

and strength to the powerless.

Even youths will become weak and tired,

and young men will fall in exhaustion.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.

~~Isaiah 40:29-31

Coming to Terms with Stress

Struggling with stress may never completely.  Going back to the "fixes", of turning to God, reading the Bible for answers and review, and an intent prayer life will improve it to whatever degree the stressed person and you, his wife, will help him achieve.  You are his help-meet, and that doesn't mean just handing him tools for fixing the faucet, or making sure he eats healthy foods -- it means guiding him when one of his rudders is broken or when his compass is off.  It means carrying through while he is carrying on in a state of confusion.  It means never giving up on him.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  ~~Jeremiah 29:11

Your experience with work stress may not have the all-encompassing qualities that my husband has experienced.  It may come and go, or run in predictable stints.  No matter how it happens, the fixes work.

You live these trials to understand the experience.  Name them to get a grasp of what they do and how they affect life.  Then, fix them.  You have the Book and the Author at your disposal, and you will find no better source of help.


What is your experience with work stress?  How have you combatted it with God's help?  What advice would you offer to those struggling with it?

Why I Like My Husband

Inside jokes between husbands and wives make for some hilarious moments, but my favorite one doesn't make me laugh, it makes me feel richly blessed.  It connects me to my husband in a way that feel unique.  It inspired us twenty-two years ago, and still inspires us today.

Before we married, my husband and I shared "I love you" back and forth the way we express "thank you," now. Often, and for just about everything.  One day, as we shared some quiet time, doing nothing but feeling the rapture of togetherness, I broke the silence with,

He bought me this book for Christmas.  It has all sorts of interesting
"like" reasons in it ... and they hit the spot!

"I like you."

The man I would soon marry turned abruptly toward me and insisted, "Yeah, well, I love you."

I smiled into laughter, which caught him even more off guard.  He thought he had one-upped me!  That laughter led to one of the most interesting discussions we have ever had.  We talked about the difference between "like" and "love" in our relationship.  In a marriage relationship.  And I wanted to impress upon him -- and upon you -- the difference.

The Bible commands us to love one another. this is the brotherly love we share as humans. Friendship quality love.  Phileo, in the Greek. We are to love everyone, and show that love in treating others well.  Obviously, the kind of love we reserve for our spouses differs and it should differ greatly, in Greek it reads "eros", or romantic love, being a much more intimate brand of love, tended with great care.  Marriage is our ultimate relationship, next to God.  It requires more of us than any other relationship, for the lifetime of the couple.

Big.

Then, there's "like."

My like list is long and diverse.  Music - almost all genres.  Cake.  Kayaking.  Knitting.  Travel.  Sunrises.  Snow.  Hardwood floors.  Baking.  Rolling farmland.  Cutting grass.  And so forth and so on, all the way to "my husband."  He's a good egg.

God did not say we have to like everyone.  How can we like what everyone else does, how they act, what they believe, where they spend their time or how they respond to us?  Sometimes we have run-ins with people during which, no matter how hard we try and no matter how well our godly armor fits -- we falter and we fail.  God puts us on the same path as others sometimes, I think, because we need a lesson or two in getting along.  Smooth waters don't teach a person to sail, it's the roughness and storms that bring skill.  So it goes with people.

And so, "I like you," comes as a high compliment.  It goes to a different depth than love, as well as to a different place.  When I experience "like" I know it.  Only my husband has the level of "like" that labels him in my life.  When I bestowed a well-placed like on the man all those years ago, I, in effect, branded him as top of the heap in my box of earthly treasures. 

He hits the spot in my mind, heart and soul.  His idiosyncrasies intrigue me.  His sense of humor still surprises me in its scope and timing.  His Energizer Bunny ability to just keep going causes me to marvel.  He zigs to my zag, and weaves his way through the playground of moods I swing without seeming to mind.  He asks questions about faith, about women, about raising children, about cooking, and about me. He reaches for me in the night.  He doesn't mind if I don't have supper ready.  He can run electrical and plumbing lines whenever or wherever we need them.  He can do math -- the hard stuff.  He can't spell.  He knows I hate to be tickled, but loves how I react to it.  He asks me to do Google searches for him because I'm better at it.  He insists he hates cats but worries about the two we have as pets.  He has a gentle touch.  He doesn't like cream cheese but loves carrot cake (with cream cheese icing).

I like my husband. His list of attributes mean something important to me, complement my own, and make him "the one" for me.

Love runs separately.  It does not depend on likeability.  I could love my husband without his sense of humor.  I could love him even if he minded when my moods run high.  I could love him without his handyman abilities.

I love him by what I do for him.  That's how anyone loves her husband, by serving, by considering his preferences and his needs, and setting herself the goal of meeting them.  Love does.  Love acts.  Love puts itself out there for the good of the other, whereas "like" is relative.  Subjective. 

Get it?  Liking a husband requires a category all to itself.  The like I have for the man I married lies in him ... what he shows me on the surface and deeper than that.  Yet, take away any of those things and love still exists.

Like your husband.  Doing so expands your horizon in how you love him.  Liking him lets you love him better because it gives you more definitive categories with which to work.

What nifty things do you like about your husband?  How do his "like" points help you serve him better?  Love him well?

Working Marriage Overtime

Whew!  It's the end of the day.  You have worked, cooked, cleaned, monitored homework, refereed arguments, greeted your husband, talked about your day, solved problems, paid bills, loaded the dishwasher and now the day draws to a close.  You have hit your comfortable spot on the couch and don't want to move.  A cup of tea, your favorite television show or book.  Ahhh.  Relaxation, at last.

Then someone wants-needs-asks something more from you.  Ugh!  Really?

As a wife, as a mother, as a member of a family, you usually find a way to move from that comfy spot to assist as requested.  I would like to say I do so without grumbling, but at the end of one of those "I don't remember ever sitting down today" days, I have let out a little (a loud) complaint or shown some (a lot of) annoyance at the interruption.

Wife, mom, woman ... human.  Weakness happens.  We can't do everything, but usually, we can do more than we think, and definitely more than we want.  We should set aside self and serve those we love, whether that love be by vow and commitment or by birth, not to mention by the sharing of  human characteristics.

That means we put everyone else first, not just those who share our home, our family ties or our friendship. 

For now, we'll focus on the one to whom we have committed our love:  our husbands.


Give a Little Bit

Paul writes in Philippians 2:3-12

“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men."

Counting my husband as more significant than myself equates to selflessness as his mate in life.  Still working on it, I admit, but the trying counts!  Selflessness starts by giving little bits past what we feel like doing, and finding we can give a whole lot more.  Then, giving it. 

In marriage, selflessness means overlooking my desire to sit back and read all evening.  It means checking on the kids tucked in their beds when he asks.  It means staying awake, no matter how tired I am, while he finishes his bedtime routine so we can cuddle and talk before falling asleep. It means standing beside him as he works on home projects, ready to go-fer tools or  to assist as needed.  It means taking care of our home as close to his standards as possible ("House Beautiful" for him, "Country Living" for me) to ensure his comfort. It means knowing when to leave a party based on a twitch of his eyebrows because I see he has tired of social time and longs for home.  It means watching and listening for his return to our living space every evening to start it all over again.  Selflessness means anticipating, preferring, choosing, honoring, revering and focusing my efforts on him.  When I do, we both benefit.

In my case, selflessness also means enduring repetition -- his mainstay and my nemesis.  I do not do repetition well, I do not follow daily or weekly schedules, I fly by the seat of my pants most of the time.  Predictability in life gives my husband comfort, probably because so much of his day lies out of his control.  His comfort means my comfort.  And therein lies any reward I could want.

 Selflessness sits at the pinnacle of the Married Behavior "To Do" list.  If we live it, we will like it.  Taking on a selfless outlook does not mean I will lie across the threshold with "Welcome" printed across me, nor does it indicate giving myself to slavery or misuse in any way.  It means thinking of my husband's well being, his preferences, his desires and his overall needs, as well as the details of his life and being --- and focusing my attention on caring for him in and among those parameters.  It's care-taking of the utmost calling in marriage, and when done well and with an attitude of respect and love, it feels good, right and complimentary to me.  When done with even a hint of resentment, it feels hollow, incomplete and like a chore.


Working Overtime

Marriage takes work, a phrase that repeats often,and for good reason.  'Cause it's TRUE.  It sometimes takes every effort to maintain marriage.  It can require incredible amounts of energy to bring it back from the edge of calamity.  Marriage can demand extreme patience to reframe it with grace, mercy and the care required to pick out the weeds and nurture it as it struggles to grow against the pressures and distractions of the world. It commands every ounce of self-control we have to manage personalities and preferences and not lose sight of the goal.

And when I submits to what marriage requires of wives, I find much ... more ... ease.  Willingly working selflessly for my husband fulfills me, satisfies him, and we find joy, peace, mutual respect, and desire to keep doing more toward receiving the supremely gratifying outcomes of this most important work as a couple.

If I'm going to work overtime, I want it to be at marriage.  The payment I receive for my effort comes through increased intimacy (emotional, physical, mental and spiritual) with my husband, a closer walk with God, a more positive outlook on this life, and a framework for helping others along their own marriage pathways. 

Anyone see a negative anywhere?  If so, point it out, will you? 

What do you think about working for your marriage?  How does selflessness work for you?  Have you tried it?  What's your story?




 

Tales of a Business Traveler's Wife: Pre-Travel Stress

It starts the minute he begins comparing airline ticket costs.  It grows a little more when he makes hotel and car rental reservations.  It multiplies as he rounds up data and prepares presentations for meetings.  It burgeons to it's greatest degree while he hugs and kisses all of us as he rushes out the door to put all of the preparation and planning together.

It's pre-travel stress. 

Traveling creates stress, no matter if it occurs for business or pleasure.  Give me a "whoop" if you have experienced any crankiness or unease when making plans for vacation.  What about when dates available don't match your target dates?  When that last load of laundry just won't dry fast enough?  When questions interrupt thought processes at a pivotal moment?  I feel stress just writing it.


Planning and Preparation Take a Toll

When my husband makes business travel reservations, we all pay here at home.  It's a simple truth that has taken years for us to understand well enough to cha-cha around successfully.  I know that the minute I receive a copy of my husband's travel schedule, he will become quieter, a little sullen and distant, and usually much shorter-tempered.

Pardon the pun, but he and I can temper all of these things.  The biggest obstacle in doing so takes the form of remembering.  Remembering that the planning of  a business trip triggers a whirlpool of negative feelings and outlooks, and then remembering that these reactions offshoot into our everyday life.  Remembering to instruct the children in how to handle the uneasy feelings and unusual reactions around this time, as well as reminding ourselves of these phenomena as the adults in charge.

We need a lifejacket in these times, and this takes the two-layer form of prayer to God and open communication between my husband and me to support us.  When we face the fury with our hatches battened, we understand it better and can control our actions and reactions far more successfully than we used to do.  Pray and talk, pray and talk.  Two steps that go far in gaining a foothold on the stress that tries to pack itself into every nook and cranny of the travel lifestyle.


Pre-Travel Stress Unchecked

For years, my husband suffered not only the stress of impending travel, but of my ignorance of the stress he felt when a trip loomed on the horizon.  I reacted as a victim of the upcoming travel (woe is me) and as a victim of his stress reactions.  When I should have shown sympathy or empathy for his having to uproot and head into the world alone, I showed self-absorption in my own lot in our life. 

Stressors involved in impending business travel can include:

- pressure to keep with status/hierarchy in the business environment
- anxiety over interpersonal relationships in the temporary workplace
- dealing with language barriers (including signage and non-work-related conversation)
- handling of transportation and navigation in unfamiliar territory
- maintaining order of personal belongings and business-related paraphernalia
- keeping up with daily work load in addition to the travel schedule
- loneliness
- knowingly missing activities/events involving children/family
- meeting flights, trains, taxis and scheduled meetings on time
- cultural differences (even within one's home country)
- keeping in touch with family for peace of mind and to fulfill need for connection
- time zone changes

When the business traveler has no confidant (that would be his wife) with whom to divulge his innermost feelings on his travel requirement for work, where does that leave him? 

In the cold, that's where. 

I incorrectly viewed my husband's travel as get-away experiences, sight-seeing and enjoying new places and customs.  He shared photographs and stories that, to me, affirmed these views, neglecting to add that he felt lonely or insecure or disgruntled while on the road.  Men.  Show no weakness.  He did not lean on me, and, stubbornly, I did not lean on him because I lacked understanding of his real situation, and also because I knew that showing him need or weakness added more stress to his already tightly-wound life. 


Checking the Emotional Baggage of Pre-Travel Stress

In the past several years, we have found that it easier to check the emotions involved in this business travel life than to lug them in a carry-on bag and keep them tucked away, taking up space needed for other thoughts and feelings that benefit our relationship.  Knowing negative feelings reside in the bag feels like bringing banned items into an airport ... undesirable, guilt-ridden, uncomfortable, scrutinized and insecure.

Similar to airport security's mission, we have marriage security at stake here, and scanning the contents of our hearts and minds and intently searching through our feelings to share what's really inside gives way to truth and trust.  Once we establish those bonds and keep checking them regularly, we get into a rhythm and everything runs smoothly.

If you throw an unknown into the bag and don't reveal it, the conveyor stops and further investigation takes place -- this leaves a husband and wife doubtful about that forced disclosure as well as about what else might rest in the bag.  Marriage needs total transparency to have complete trust.  Anything that feels tucked into a pocket or disguised in different packaging will raise red flags and cause distrust that will lead to even greater stress for both spouses.

Up-end the mixed bag of feelings you both have collected due to living this kind of life.   Don't let things go until you meet with a forced search and dramatic commotion over supposition and possibility.  Share what you're carrying and you'll find peace of mind, deep trust and devotion, and greater intimacy.


The Send-Off

My business traveler husband will never love what he does, taking to the skies or hitting the highway.  I can either bar him from working out those feelings, thereby creating emotional distance aside from the obvious physical distance from the travel itself, or I can help unload them and label them so that he can move forward feeling heard, respected, loved, dearly missed, and greatly anticipated at the end of his travels.

After sharing the stresses that come from preparing for travel, a husband and wife should make a great effort to plan for the homecoming experience, too. 

- share your yearning for his presence, and your anticipation for his arrival home
- create a count-down on the calendar for each trip and display it for him to see
- plan a homecoming celebration and hint to him about it
- tuck a greeting card or a note into his bag to find upon his arrival at the hotel
- text him and e-mail him, letting him know he is on your mind and in your heart
- ask him to call when he can or use a Facetime or Skype application on your Smart Phone or computer to aid in face-to-face communication

When you begin to practice looking forward to being together again, the stress of each trip still comes out, but you begin to gain more control of it.  Some travels produce more stress than others, so it makes sense to gauge stress and the need to vent or discuss it from trip to trip.  One method of handling the pre-trip jitters and upheaval will not fit every travel situation.

The most important thing is to pray for peace, guidance, strength and grace for both of you as the plans progress, and create some patterns with room for surprises as the departure date nears.  Surprise him with a special dessert, a short outing around town, or a stroll in the park, giving him some unexpected time to unwind with a something to divert his attention.

Communication in Marriage: Keeping it on Topic

Communication in marriage usually does not simply happen.  Some people communicate well right out of the chute, while others struggle to utter even a few squeaks of need or opinion even after years of togetherness.  Sometimes, two good communicators marry, sometimes two poor ones, and sometimes one of each.  No matter the pairing, each will always find something to learn about one of the main requirements of a healthy marriage (that's communication).

In our marriage, we began as excellent communicators on superficial subjects.  Work, grocery lists, getting the oil changed in the car, making plans for Christmas shopping, taking out the trash, what to cook for dinner, and so forth.  When it came to deeper issues, we clammed up until the situation had grown to monstrous proportions, and then the dam broke and ten subjects went under our individual microscopes at once, and onto the table of conversation in giant, tilting and toppling stacks.

Chaos.


Where Communication Almost Always Goes Wrong

My husband and I avoided discussing issues that might rock the boat.  Early in our marriage, we floated along smoothly, as if in a gondola in the Tunnel of Love ride at the amusement park.   We waited to talk about "big" issues until they grew unbearable to one of us.  Mistake #1.  Mistake #2 took the form of throwing everything out into the open at once.  Mistake #3 involved including strong emotion in the conversation, and then when we felt unheard or unvalidated or misunderstood, an avalanche of feeling hit the table around which we attempted to communicate.  Loudness happened.

Forget the Tunnel of Love.  We conversed in some sort of twisted Marriage Amusement Park -- where no one has any fun and we keep getting back in line for the same stomach-wrenching ride.  We would aim for the nice, easy Marriage-Go-Round, but end up in line for the Emotional Roller Coaster.   With each hill climb we'd gather our nerve and try to settle our uneasiness by drumming up diversional topics  and then let everything fly as we careened down the other side.

Avoiding discussion on the difficult topics will lead to derailing communication in marriage, but piling several topics on at once makes a complete train wreck pretty much inevitable.

Stick to ONE

We do have a choice.  We can stop the wild ride that continually loops and takes the same climbs, plunges, and reckless turns by stopping ourselves from getting on in the first place.

How?  Stick to one topic.

This sounds simple enough, but when a couple has learned to add topics to already-running arguments, it takes some doing.  We are doing it every day, and if two stubborn first-borns can, anyone can accomplish great things in their marriage talk.  It takes effort, self-control, consideration, kindness, and lots more self-control.


Behind the Scenes Maintenance

It takes looking your flaws in the face to communicate well.  In our marriage, I take everything to heart, while my husband sometimes seems to have no heart on some issues and views everything as either logical or illogical.

To keep these traits from upsetting the balance, we talked this out, first, as a sharing of opinion and experience with each other -- how we view each other when communicating on past difficult issues.  This wasn't a quick-fix for our discussions, and we do review what we know about each other from time to time -- we don't always see our own flaws, but our spouses sure do, and knowing how he perceives me makes a great difference to success in our marriage.   After you share your grievances and hopes about personality and tactics in communication, you're ready to make the move to sticking to the topic.

NOTE:  You may not have the ability to discuss these issues first for a variety of reasons.  You don't have to take this step, but it does help if you can manage to do it.


From Start to Finish

When I have an issue to discuss with my husband, possibly a large repair on a vehicle (financial discussions set our coaster rolling) I:

- gather my facts
- pray about the conversation
- let him know I have something to talk about with him and *decide on a time to meet about it
*the time could be NOW, so completing the first two in advance of making an appointment really has to happen first

Before we have our discussion, I pray again, and ask for guidance in sticking to the topic and not diverting or allowing myself to be diverted from it.  If the discussion happens immediately, quick prayers do just fine.  God can do great things on the fly.

When we meet for the discussion, I keep my tone level or a bit on the upbeat side and not accusatory or  demanding.  As we begin, I might feel uneasy, and I have learned to say so and to say why, such as, "I really don't like talking money matters, because it has been an area that has sparked arguments in the past -- I want to get that out there -- and I feel better about it every time."   This helps my husband to understand any trepidation over the subject, and allows him to see that I want to come out together at the end of it.

As we enter the conversation, I focus on my facts and on how I present them.  They can't just fly out willy-nilly, shooting down the hill at the speed they certainly have in the past.  Controlling my own thoughts and mouth does wonders for sticking to the topic because if I feel opposition coming I would much rather divert it.  Using self-control allows me to meet opposition and learn to handle it in a positive way.  Avoiding trouble is one of my flaws.  I know it, and I am learning to face and fix it.

If I meet with a diversion from my husband -- perhaps he brings up that I mishandled a past situation like this one, or he chooses to pick apart my facts (he's a detail man) -- I need to keep my composure and guide him to stay on the track with me.  Maybe he will bring up another decision we have to make with the "since I have you here" idea in his mind, and want to cover another issue or two.  Stick to one.   Not stubbornly, but kindly, and with a smile.  I have said, "Let's stick to the decision we need to make about this before tackling anything else.  We have the information, we just need a decision and I will do whatever you think best.  If you'd like, I don't mind discussing something else afterward."

Directing back to the topic immediately works, and both partners can pick up the ability with each new conversation.  You may have the blessing of a great first run and move on smoothly from there.  Others of us work at it little by little, making progress on a slower track, but it's progress, no matter how slow or fast.


Moving Forward

Sticking to a discussion topic may seem obvious, but in many marriage communication dilemmas, one or both spouses has no idea they have gone to another topic or added in three extra ideas to consider.  Once you begin staying on topic and handling diversions successfully, you may find you and your husband begin to bring up more individual topics throughout a day or week -- you may find yourselves talking more often, and about deeper issues.

Good discussion breeds more good discussion.  Marriage can only get better with that kind of talk.



What kinds of things have you tried to keep conversations running on the right track?  What has or hasn't worked?

Consumer Review on Marriage: Before and After Expectations

So, you have marriage in mind.  You want to go forward with the purchase of the product, and you want to do it with some "how to" from tried and true sources.  You want reliable information on how marriage works and what you might expect, performance-wise.  You want to know, from those with some experience, what the future holds as far as form and function, and what kind of upkeep you'll really need, not just the "it's great!" reaction from too many people who don't make you feel comfortable with a two-word reaction to a lifetime deal.

Or, you've already bought the package and have questions about the contents of the box.  Maybe yours has pieces missing or has too many of them and you can't seem to get it together.  You want to know how to realign some of the working parts to fit better, rather than hear that nagging whining sound that happens every time you do or say this or that.  You want to know how to get it to run smoothly every day and how to avoid major damage you've heard happening in other folks' experience with it.  What options do you have since the product isn't returnable?  You have followed the instructions word for word and still come up against a sputtering motor or some really disagreeable malfunctions.  Is it operator error or a glitch in the product itself? 



First of All, What Do You Expect?

Prior to marriage, what did you think it included?  What drew you to it as something you wanted for yourself? What do you think comes with the package?

No matter where you lie on the Marriage Time Line, you have expectations.  You hope for success, positive feelings, and happiness ... ever after the ceremony.  If you haven't made the purchase yet, you have the "it'll never happen to us" view on the falters, fumbles and failure rates you have seen or hear about all around you.  If you have already made your purchase, you may have found some unexpected discoveries that you didn't plan to have and would never have hoped to experience. 

Whether engaged couples, newlyweds or "old marrieds", people have unwritten lists in their heads that they believe make an unwritten code of marriage.  Everyone could and should have these things:

love - unconditional and constant and fulfilled physically, emotionally and mentally
trust - complete
companionship - togetherness times infinity.  Hang with me.  Always.
friendship - unending like-ability
communication - riveting topics, total focus
security - neither person will feel exposed or vulnerable to attack 
freedom - pursuing personal goals and dreams with all of the above still intact
fulfillment as a person - getting fully charged from the marriage relationship
agreement - likemindedness will remain as it was during courtship and engagement

These ideals come standard in pre-marriage thinking.  Everyone appears to have it in the mind's eye view of marriage.  Of course, these items come standard ... and effortless.  They are historical facts in many minds (like mine) prior to marriage and what already-married people wonder about in terms of what they have missed in their own assembly kits.

Most of us expect most of the same things, with variations according to societal, religious, family and ethnic/national beliefs.  My marriage ideals won't match everyone else's on the planet, but these core beliefs about what comes with it should show somewhere on the label. 


Guidelines Exist.  Marriage Can Meet Your Expectations -- More Than Less!

Some indicators of possibility, some guidelines for success, some arrows pointing to what a couple, man or wife should do exist.  


God, Himself - the author of love, the one who ordained marriage - how He fits into the life you build and how he guides or redirects your particular marriage path makes a profound mark on marriage.  Prayer exists to maintain contact with God and to find some of the direction you need on your way to, as well as after the marriage purchase.

God's Word - the written guide for life, breathed by God to men who penned each and every verse for our benefit in all areas of our lives.  The answers are there -- Genesis, Deuteronomy, Proverbs, Matthew, Mark, I Corinthians, Colossians, Ephesians, Hebrews -- all shine light on God's view of what marriage should be for us.  

The Vows/Promises - made during a marriage ceremony, these support the marriage covenant in a God-honoring way, if they're the "old-fashioned kind."  Self-written vows can honor God's purpose in marriage, too, if the authors have God and holy matrimony in mind.  Worldly vows will not pack the same kind of energy into the relationship ... tread carefully here.  A vow is your word.  It hold weight, and it should never be taken lightly.  

Healthy, Happy, Existing Marriages - already-married, godly people can provide a wealth of information for those in shopping mode as well as those in their first years of ownership and beyond.  Couples who have failed and repaired or rebuilt their marriage models after a total wreck can guide new owners in good directions, helping them with confusing aspects of assembly and usage that common sense may not address.  Couples who give worldly, television personality or self-help book advice are not following God's plan exclusively and do not make good choices as role models for marriage.



Self-Guided Methods (aka NOT Reading the Instructions) Cause End-User Confusion

Some selfishness and short-sighted understanding play into our views of marriage -- though some very faithful, God-inspired and God-guided people look into ownership and operation of the same.  If more of this kind of person came into marriage with hearts and minds already in gear to handle the newness of the product and to guide it along throughout the unexpected events of life, more marriages would remain intact ... even when they struggle.

Everyone will struggle.  Some, just in getting the box open.  Most feel elated with the original assembly, they simply don't realize the upkeep and attention to detail involved every day afterward.

We expect what we expect.  Then, we meet "real."