Opposite Sex Frienship Revisited: You Cannot Have It All

The question of opposite-sex friendship keeps rising.  Between e-mail questions and Internet searches, it's getting bigger, more people have questions about it, more people ask,

"Is it okay to have opposite-sex friends once you marry?"  

The number of queries on the topic utters a collective, "I'm unsure about this."

Is it right or wrong?  If you have a husband, do you keep the boy friend as a go-to?  If you have married, do you keep the male pals? Should your husband have girl friends call and touch base with them on his off time? Should he have a go-to girl aside from you?

Best answer:  no.

In considering the time and effort involved in developing the emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical aspects of marriage, how does an opposite-sex friend enhance the husband-wife bond?  Does it enhance it, or does it divide or cut small pieces from it?  The phrase we hear in marriage ceremonies addressing this is "put asunder."

The word "asunder" means to divide, break into pieces, break, apart from each other, into parts.

Mark 10:9 states, "What God has joined together, let no one put asunder."  That's no man, no woman, nobody.

Male-female, or opposite-sex friendship in a marriage relationship, defies biblical logic, and the verses that tell us how to act in our marriage relationship are not only simple and short, they get to the point.

Beginning in Genesis (the beginning), chapter 2, verses 23-24 read,

 "The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man. 

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

Paying close attention to the second verse (the point), some Bible translations state, "cleave to his wife," which makes the understanding clearer and stronger.  As husband and wife, we are to bond, cleave, connect, unite, become one.  How does a husband or wife connect fully with a spouse when another opposite-sex person has a spot on the perch, too?  When your heart reaches out to another of the opposite sex in a caring way, without including your mate completely, you have stopped bonding, cleaving, connecting, uniting and becoming one with only one man.  There just isn't any other way to see it, except that many people feel that this kind of "extracurricular" relationship sits on the list of their rights as human beings.

Most certainly, you have a right to choose. Choose to have a husband with whom you build a life, or stay single and enjoy friendship with other men.  You cannot have both happily. 

"HA!" you say.  


Intimate Relationships Change Friendship

Though unmarried, in college, I was the "gal pal" to a group of guys.  They picked me up at my dorm to walk to the dining hall for meals.  They walked to class with me and we purposely registered for elective courses together.  We danced at music events, saw movies and took walks around campus and around town.  We studied at the library, shared our thoughts about the future and our experiences in faith.  Usually two or more of them and me, but sometimes one-on-one, just hanging around for a while, joking, shooting the breeze, doing nothing in particular.  We visited at each other's homes during school breaks.  I had a great time.  I felt no pressure for anything more than good, solid friendship.  Then, after two years of chumminess, the guys started pairing off with other women.  I didn't fit and I knew it.  It felt lonely, even crushing at times.  The other women had top billing, and I represented a threat to their relationship-building because I could distract those gentlemen from what was really important at that time -- building a relationship that meant more intimacy on all levels than I would provide.  Inside, I just knew.  I felt ousted from a place I enjoyed and felt comfortable, and that meant hurt and confusion for a while for me.  I had fulfilled my purpose as a very close friend and had slid in the ranking to a mix of common acquaintance and schoolmate.  Friendly, but not close and constant.  

If I had tried to keep my status, continuing to join in usual activities, I would have driven a wedge or poked the relationships with a stick.  Any insistence on further inclusion would have infiltrated in a negative way.  My emotional bonds with the men didn't go further than laughter and some great discussions, but those same innocent doings represented danger to them in their dating relationships.

We send Christmas cards now. Have been for 22 years, and the only information we share involves what we're doing with our spouses and children.  These make the only worthy subjects between adults where any one of them holds the title of "married person".  When a man and woman enter into a courtship or dating relationship, other friends take a back seat.  Friendships may change in depth and distance, and some lose their appeal completely.  Why?  Because in a male-female relationship the heart and mind change to accommodate new thoughts and feelings and to engage in the relationship fully -- to the exclusion of others in many ways.  When sharing of emotions begins, hearts soften and include that person differently, as a most important person.  Perhaps an MIP, as opposed to a VIP.  Many people in life have "very important" status, but only one human in a married relationship holds that "most important" place.

Forsaking all others ... we vow it, and with good reason.  With a marriage involved, forsaking all others is the only way to ensure that you will grow intimacy and protect it from all sides.  


See and Be Seen

Opposite-sex friendship can easily -- very, very, startlingly easily -- turn to more than occasional sharing of interests, basic conversation and a cup of coffee.  When it turns to secret phone calls/video calls, password-protected environments and feelings of uneasiness/disgust/irritation/disdain with your actual, vow-covered spouse, you need to sincerely evaluate what you're doing.  Stop it, throw it in reverse and get outta there.  Ask forgiveness of God and use the grace and mercy He shows you to rejuvenate the relationship with your husband.  For better or for worse means everything.

Ephesians 5:21 makes another point for strong union that doesn't leave room for interlopers as it reads, 

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

Submit?  Not enslavement here, but an incomparable, amazing, all-encompassing give-and-take, loving and respectful relationship with the one I pledge my life to ... until death.  I can't pledge my life to my husband and have another man on the side to share in activities that leave my husband out or that have me sharing secrets or feelings or inner thoughts and hopes ... which is intimacy, my friend.  If you're sharing intimate moments -- having nothing to do with physical love, but feelings, thoughts and hopes -- with another man, you have lost your target.  Set your sights correctly and don't take your eyes off the target.  Your husband is IT.  Look no further.  If you are, your aimlessness will have you ending up with nothing.  Self-control.  Use it. 


The Final Question

The question isn't, "Is it okay to have opposite-sex friends after marriage?"  The question is, 

"Do you want to be married, or not?"

There you have it.  You cannot have your cake and eat it, too.  You cannot have it all.  You cannot  have the relationship God ordained and have another man (or more) on the side, too.  

The only thing your husband and other men should share is a Y chromosome.  You, as a wife, are off the friendship market.  You, your husband and another man?  Go skiing, take a hike, play golf, have conversation, go to dinner.  No problem.  You and the other man?  Nope.  Go find some diversions with your husband.  He isn't your last resort or your only option, but he is the only safe haven in the world of men for you, his wife.


What concerns do you have with opposite-sex friendship?  Do you agree or disagree with the need to cleave, leaving others behind?  Share your feelings and experiences ... a large number of people want to know!

Are You a Marriage Pilgrim or Fugitive?

In 1620, the Pilgrims arrived in Plymouth, Massachusetts, their chosen location for a new way of life and freedom to worship God as they chose.  They had a destination in mind, and they put all their effort and thought toward that one pinpoint on the map.  When they sailed in sight of land, the collective "Hurrah!" from the travel-weary passengers must have rung throughout the heavens.

Pilgrims.  Destination known.

In 73 B.C., Spartacus led an uprising of slaves against the Roman Empire and fled as a fugitive from the Romans for two years.  Not wanting to suffer at the hands of the Romans, known for harsh prison conditions, torture and getting their prey as close to death as possible without going over the line, Spartacus took the role of fugitive.  Never safe for long.  No end to running in any direction that appeared safe.

Fugitives.  Destination unknown.  

In your marriage, which role do you play? Do you have a destination in mind that will make marriage more satisfying and allow for you and your spouse to grow together and build intimacy? Do you act as a fugitive and run at the slightest sign of discomfort or danger to yourself?


Stay and Work or Run and Hide?

Anyone out there not wanting to take the pilgrim route?  Planning, instructions, learning, praying, and a definite direction take the important roles in moving toward a solid, healthy marriage.  When you follow the plan you find yourself putting forth a lot of energy and time, but when you do, you find yourself reaping rewards at various intervals, and you can feel and see yourself and your husband moving closer to the goal.  You not only get a glimpse of a healthy and happy relationship, you begin to feel it, to know that it will last, and to feel fulfilled in your marriage.

Yet, how many times do we run and/or hide?  Maybe you run at the merest suggestion of conflict.  Perhaps you hide from the truth about yourself or about what your marriage really looks like on the inside.  You may run to what looks like a safe haven when you aren't on good footing in your marriage, and find yourself in deeper trouble and then set out to run from that.  The fugitive style of handling marriage promises lots of work for very little return.  You may run for months or years and find yourself farther away from comfort and love.  You can work very hard on your own spur-of-the-moment plans only to find yourself caught by another wave of distrust from a husband who not only can't read your mind, he doesn't understand that women and men are so different.


The Pilgrim Perspective

I say we do the pilgrim thing.  Take the plan (the Bible -- specifically Ephesians 5:21-33) and work toward each known aspect, keeping our focus on respecting our husbands and showing loving kindness in many small ways every day.  The greatest news lies in the fact that our biblical instructions come in a very short list!  Submit (honor, defer to, work closely with) to my  husband and respect him.

These two requirements cover everything, and if followed closely and with great care, they will lead you right where you want to go.  When you have had plenty of practice with respect and submission, you will find you have learned more ways to expand your horizons in marriage in godly ways.  You will learn to thrive as you head toward your destination.  You will no longer wonder, but wait for more and better.  You will, by following His plan and praying through your days, grow closer to God.

You will fail many times.  You will retrace steps or go off the path to check out someone else's travel route.  But, when you resolve to take that pilgrimage to a biblically sound marriage, you will never want for more.


The Fugitive's Route

The fugitive route will get you pretty far -- far from anything solid and safe.  You will beg for scraps from your mate, work furiously on your own agenda and promote your own motives with your actions and reactions.  You will look to people around you for guidance (human frailty) and short-lived successes that will fail in short-term and frustrate you in the long-term.  You will continue looking for more and better answers and keep running hither and yon ... searching.  You will seek and never find.  You will grow tired, you will compare yourself to others, you will feel like quitting.  Your hope for better will dim.  You will turn to friends before turning to your husband.  You may find relief in other relationships.  Your marriage will continue to thin as supply outweighs demand.  You will be a prisoner of your own inability to find peace and solid ground that you can claim as your own in your marriage.


It's Not Ancient History

Marriage is a timeless means of connecting a man and woman in a relationship that can and should last a lifetime.  No matter how many years they have together, a husband and wife will find joy and oneness together when they follow a time-tried route.

Everyone's marriage will differ in scope and sequence, but the basics will show.  Love.  Respect.  Mutual submission.  A help-meet woman alongside her leader husband.  When you meet a couple who lives out their marriage this way, you know it.  They have contentment.  They have trust and honor in their lives.  They don't waver, they don't search outwardly.  They don't envy nor do they boast.

From Adam and Eve to you and your husband, any marriage that has followed The Plan and has looked to the Author of it for guidance has found it.  Those who follow The Plan want to share it with others.  It works.  When taken seriously and lived fully, it never fails.

Get into Ephesians and see how simple the directions appear.  Pray on them.  Resolve to imitate them, to live them, and to not look back at what the world has to offer.  The Bible will never change, while the world will change often and to the detriment of those who follow it.


What have you discovered when you have looked to the world for advice?  
If you have "gone Bible" in your marriage, what was the easiest part?  The hardest? 
How do you present a biblical marriage to someone who wants better?

Women Give Wives a Bad Name

Women.  Men can't figure us out most of the time.  We puzzle, attract, confuse, interest, confound, frustrate, intrigue, and plain old flabbergast our men, all while doing what we think makes love real and causes respect to happen.

All of us make mistakes.  Looking all the way back to Eve, we women are bound to compare what we have with what we think we're missing and feel underprivileged at the imagining of what others might have.

And we're wrong more often than not.

Certainly, a large number of women suffer in marriage relationships.  Abuse, neglect, and indifference exist.  A sad fact and a growing statistic.  But, a larger number of women have a diamond-in-the-rough kind of marriage -- at least I see it as a larger number, because I also firmly believe every marriage has a path of its own and we have the job of taking it for God's reasons.  Most women, if they understood what they have, would see a pearl; a long time in the making, but worth the effort and having incomparable value.

Yet, women have this uncanny knack for digging potholes in the road to marital oneness, for sabotaging the gift God gave them in the early days of their love-building, respect-offering relationship with the man God presented as "the one".

God ordained marriage and He doesn't make mistakes.  We make plenty of them, yet He uses those very mistakes to make something beautiful.  We just don't allow Him the time, the elements necessary (our minds, hearts and spirits), or the leeway.

We women have this terrible tendency to try to harness God.  That huge, mighty, all-powerful God of the Universe, Creator of All ... and we, in effect, muzzle him, constrain him and tell him "I know better."

I never said those words out loud or thought of myself as doing those restrictive acts, but I can see that I did.  I'm willing to bet you have too, and maybe are doing it right now.

When you ask God to shine his spotlight on your wifely wrongs and your faults that you don't recognize in yourself, hang on tight. When a woman opens her mind and frees her heart for God to tune, wondrous occurrences take place. Transformation happens, beauty grows, truth reigns and peace covers every area.

Giving the control to God frees a woman, but she has to overcome the fear of handing it to Him. What will she do? How will anything happen in the family? How will tasks be accomplished and how will decisions be made? How will life, as we know it, go on?

It won't go on as we know it.  It will move on to something better.  God knows better.  We just-a-bit-lower-than-angels people do NOT.

Women give wives a bad name.  Within our marriage and/or family structure, how many times have you, the woman felt you have:

• known better
• done more
• inferred more accurately
• understood the situation completely
• acted with better intentions
• thought more clearly
• created better flow
• directed activity with more ability and better outcomes
• tended the flock with more care
• shown love more
• made better decision
• cared more deeply 

You assumed  the responsibility and the existence some or all or more that these things in the lives of your husband and family, yet truly believed you held the key to marriage and family thriving?  Maybe you were or are not so far into the deception that you may have thought you had a better bead on the target and that
if only he would listen,
if only he would see it another way (in other words MY way),
if only he would do what I ask,
everything would fall into place.
The place you have designated as right, wholesome, important, fulfilling, manageable, peaceful, and even righteous.

A sad lot, we womenfolk.  We want our marriage to tick, and then we go and wind it too tightly.  We want our marriage to hum, and then rewrite the tune.  We want our marriage to thrive and we deprive it of the nutrients and care required because we don't understand the real needs of the growing relationship.

We may even pray our way through all of it, feeling righteous with a heavy coating of "SELF" applied, and not realizing how heavy-handed, high and mighty, and unprofitable our efforts play out in reality.

I was blind and now I see.  Not perfectly, but I do see where I erred, where I make mistakes now, and where I can make changes, corrections and steps forward without demolishing progress with my own brand of marriage construction.  I speak to the same type of blind women every week who think they can see exactly where the errors lie.  If only he would ...  

Just because you claim to make room for the Holy Spirit in your heart does not mean you heed it.  We, as free-will people, created that way by God, can ignore the Spirit within us until we become numb to the nudging.

When we operate alone, of our own desire and from our own volition, we suffer at our own hands.

A wise woman builds her house.

    But a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands.  ~Proverbs 14:1

Take the initiative this week to give up.  Control, that is.

Give "wife" a good name in your home.  Spread the word.  Share the light.

What do you think?  How do women cast wifehood in a bad light?  Do you agree or disagree?