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Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts

The Consequences of Your Choices Don't Wash Away

I didn't have a choice.

There was no way around it.
I didn't realize it until it was too late.
I take it back.
Let's start again.
The Devil made me do it.

We All Make Easy Mistakes

Mistakes? We've all made them. Bad choices? Yep. We make wrong turns in life, we ask for "do-overs" that don't ever succeed in erasing a mistake or a hurt. When we do or say the wrong thing we can't take it back, make it disappear, change it into something else, fix it ... or forget it completely.

Whatever I choose to do counts.

Every action has a consequence. Everything I say, do and think matters. Every choice or preference leaves its own specific feedback in the lives of everyone involved ... even when I think I'm making choices that affect only me. My choices affect my husband, too, whether he knows of them or not.

We all nod in agreement when we think of us all lumped in together, doing small "this or that" items that we know we shouldn't and then having to suffer consequences. If I forget to return library books on time I will pay a fine. If I eat too much my clothing will not fit (like now, for instance). If I don't keep up with my family's laundry none of us will have clean clothes to wear. Simple and straightforward, what I do matters. I get it. I understand. No problem.

But.

Got Secrets?

It feels a lot different when sin sits deeper than the surface. The hidden or secret things a person may do -- on the sly or within the confidence of another person -- that we don't want anyone else to discover don't come out of hiding easily, even when talked to nicely and offered a cookie. Those secret sins, if uncovered, will change the way others perceive us. Those secret sins begin to leak, like the juices from rotting food in the refrigerator, and cause people to sniff, wonder and search for the problem. Soon, the whole place begins to smell funny -- you just can't stop it until you reach in there, find the bad piece, and remove it for good.

While we are Free to choose Out Actions,We are Not Free to Choose the Consequences of our Actions

Recently, a couple of officers of our Parent-Teacher Organization at school found their secrets uncovered in a check-writing scheme, in which tens of thousands of dollars left the group's bank account and went to their personal accounts. Someone caught a funny smell in the air, began searching, and within a period of time, the rotten thing showed. The school district removed it, and now the police have the job of handling the situation as the law dictates. Whether a fine or jail time comes to them in the future, the ladies will pay a penalty.

These women can find forgiveness from God, but the aftermath will take years to rebuild in the community and maybe in their families, as well. Excuses they offered don't matter. They lied and stole. They have to get busy doing whatever it takes to show that they can handle trust again.

Secret sin has to be removed in order to live in harmony with our mates (as well as others around us) and with God. God won't bless us with sin in the way, and our husbands won't be able to figure out our odd behavior, which secretiveness brings, no matter how we try to conceal the falsehoods and live as if nothing foul is leaching from the back of the refrigerator.

Choosing to deviate from God's path for you may appear in your life as:

- financial indiscretion or a shopping addiction.
- eating (too much or too little) in secret.
- having an opposite-sex friendship that feels fulfilling and seems innocent.
- lying -- of all kinds and sizes.
- engaging in an affair (emotional or sexual) with subsequent blame/rationale.
- uncontrolled electronic/technological activity.
- insert your secret sin here: _________________

You Can Find Forgiveness and You Will Have Work to Do!

No matter what your poor choice(s), your deviation from the right path, God will forgive -- if you ask with a contrite (sincerely sorry) heart. A mighty thought to have is that all of us have the power to change, through His grace and mercy, and to climb out of the pits we have dug to higher and higher ground, led by Him, not by man.

But we won't be able to change the consequences, erase the wrongs we did, or make everyone touched by our thoughtlessness and selfishness feel warm and fuzzy, hunky-dory, and right as rain in one prayerful act.

There's nothing like forgiveness to cheer up a human being. At the same time, there's nothing like dealing with the consequences of our actions to keep us mindful of just how far our own selfishness and tunnel vision took us, and then, we see our husbands, children, friends and family alongside our jagged pathway, as if thrown from the vehicle ... bedraggled, hurt (maybe gravely), confused, distrustful, and in shock.

God will forgive me. Then the hard part begins.

I have to work really hard to get back the devotion, trust, love, and support of those whom I may have ignored, hurt, betrayed, deceived, or confused. Did I say "work really hard?" I tend to understate things when I'm not overstating them. The truth is, I will not get off anywhere close to easy, and should I? Absolutely not. If I have acted carelessly, I should have to prove that I can act carefully. I must take as much time as my victims need in order to regain their trust and all the other attributes that I have lost by my own choices. I will live under a microscope for as long as it takes to show that I know I have done wrong, that I want to change, and that I work for that change.

God will not wash away the consequences. The sin? Yes. The rest is up to me. I must sincerely work at changing myself through prayer, learning, studying, sharing and communicating well with the man I married, as well as with those people in my life who should be in it. Those I have invited into my life via the intrusive, wrong behaviors, I must usher out and close the door for good. For the good of everyone involved!

A Sin Is a Sin, No Matter How Small

While committing adultery or grand theft don't seem the same as holding a library book too long or driving faster that the posted speed, all have consequences that we must face.

Continuing to try to hide, working to keep up appearances, hoping no one mentions a difficult subject or moves in the direction of your secret is no way to live. Make the changes now. Take on your own sin, take it to the Father of All and lay it out before him. Every stinking, rotten detail. And ask His forgiveness.

Then, get to work. You can do it. Know how I know? You'll have God on your side.

Serious Side-Effects of Being Married to Me

What shortcomings, wrong-doing and negatives can you list about your husband?

Now, think about these:

What shortcomings do you own?
What wrongs have you done today? This week? This year?
What do you do that bothers your husband?
What personality traits do you portray that could use adjustment or annihilation?
What grudges do you hold?
What walls have you built between yourself and your husband?
What judgments/assumptions/misgivings do you have about your husband in any way (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional)?

Who feels easier to assess? Which person do you know better?

In Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "Now You're Speaking My Language", as well as in his live marriage seminars, this question comes up as a though-provoking beginning to improving a marriage.

The first time I encountered the exercise, I could easily list several things about my husband that irritated me, made me angry, caused me to doubt him in several ways, and drove me farther from him. His faults. His sins. His inability to please ME.

I had a terrible time coming up with anything about myself. Sarcastic. Stubborn. Hmmmm ... DONE!

After learning to look at my own long list of of serious side-effects of being married to me, I do not feel ashamed to examine my trouble spots. I have shined the high-lumen output of God on myself (I prayed, asking God to show me where I fail and where I need to work on ME) and learned that I can face my human failings and make changes.

I thought it would hurt. I thought I would appear weak. I thought my husband would gloat. I thought people would wonder why I act different and that I would feel others watching me. I thought I would feel exposed. I thought I would feel ineffective in my roles as wife, mother, daughter, sibling and friend.

It just so happens, I felt the reverse. I felt healed of the nagging irritation of needing to look "perfect" in various areas of life. I felt stronger as I proceeded, discovering bigger faith and more ability to trust God with everything. My husband, straightaway, began leading me and our family without a hint of self-importance. Other people began coming to me for advice in several areas of struggle -- and I hadn't said or written a word about my introspection and subsequent changes. I felt open to the situations of others, and a great need to share my own struggles to help them understand theirs. I tuned into my roles in life differently -- I found I didn't have to juggle anymore, that help came through my Lord and Savior, and by guidance of the Holy Spirit ... not through my own thoughts or desire to manage life to my own "just so" view.

What did I come up with? Lots of female tendencies, which sounds sexist, but I'm a female, too, so bear with me as I share a few.

- dodging the truth -- this means not lying "completely", but withholding some of the truth to make something look less ... wrong? Example: When asked the cost of a purchase, round down from $20 to $15. I still don't know why I ever thought this mattered.
- controlling behavior -- using the mind set that I wanted to "smooth rough spots", I managed to script conversations I wasn't part of but jumped into anyway, micromanage activities involving my husband and children working together, attempt to translate child's needs to my husband so he could "understand", and so forth.
- independent decision-making -- no problem when ordering a meal for myself or deciding what to wear today, but that wasn't my limit. I signed children up for activities, made plans for evenings or weekends, or made purchases ... without consulting my husband at all, and sometimes telling him about these decisions at the last minute. No joy comes from this.
- arguing to avoid facing facts -- this one is difficult to detect. You don't know you're doing it until God helps you see, and then he makes it so obvious you have to stop ... you can't stand yourself anymore. This kind of arguing happens when a husband says, "It really bothers me that you do _____." When you counter-attack with a shortcoming you notice of his, you belong on this bandwagon.
- going out for coffee -- What? Really? Also known as "Empathizing with Other Wives in the Same Boat", this behavior happens when someone says, "Can you believe my husband did ______?" And you not only believe it, you add your own experience for everyone to hear ... and thereby judge your husband through your eyes. This is sabotage and slander.
- devaluing my husband's needs -- I deflated my husband's needs by judging them, putting them into a self-tiered hierarchy, and then compared them to my unmet needs. This serves in guaranteeing not only a stalemate, but accounts for about 2/3 of the Wall of Resentment built between us over the years.
- adopting a "holier than thou" view -- as the "stronger Christian", I patted myself on the back for seeing my own brand of righteousness at work, and seeing my husband's sins so clearly. Classic "Plank and Speck" at work (Matthew 7:3).

If you can identify even one of these in your life, you still have some work to do.

I learned these behaviors over time, and I could create a timeline noting approximately when each began and the times in our marriage when they grew or shrank in intensity. I took on some tendencies for reasons of self-preservation. I took on others in the desire to not lose control of situations. I took on all of them with the deep desire to make our marriage better!

Any one of these tendencies brought destructive results that continued to build with every unresolved conflict and with every scornful and self-righteous argument. I could easily explain any of them away by applying logic in the "if-then" schematic. If he did X, then I did Y. The truth is, I made the choice to "do Y," and could have turned the whole situation around with a simple act of humility.

I did not have humility in relation to my husband. To everyone else in the world, yes, but not for his benefit.

The side-effects to being married to me in the days before I began taking on these behaviors were encouragement, support, gently-offered wisdom, refuge from the world, acceptance, honor, respect, easily-shown love, openness, truth, and humility. These characteristics own the opposite effects of the bold list above.

Which list of side-effects look better on you? Which do you want to see reflected from your husband?

You want side-effects as you work at your marriage. You want the ones that seriously, without a shadow of a doubt, make your marriage strong and better than you ever could have imagined. Loving actions trickle down, my friend. When you've turned the corner to working WITH your husband (dual focus) instead of FOR your marriage (singular focus), you see the benefits -- no maybe, no mistake.

You do it through prayer. You do it by looking deep into YOU. You fix YOU so he can find his way again. He won't find you in shadows or promises, he will find only real, fought-for changes that will show without a search party or strong light. When you change YOU, the light shines and spreads. You can be a light in someone else's darkness. Your husband makes a fine target audience.

Forsaking All Others: Opposite-Sex Friendship

An Internet search conducted today using the words "opposite-sex friendship" will deluge a searcher in a waterfall of choices; findings flood the search landscape in everything from scholarly articles based on university and think-tank studies and surveys to blog articles and message boards based on personal experience in which you can almost feel the opinions and experience pulsing in the comment sections.

Generationally, male-female friendships have expanded in number and in scope, and their very existence seems to indicate something unusual on the social curve. Prior to 1974, no one had even conducted a study of these friendships.

One supposition I make on this lack of "data" is that in older generations, male-female friendships sat at a surface level, more formal, more business-like or acquaintance style. My parents' friendships were forged with other couples, and they included widows and widowers, single people who needed companionship, but they did not include separate friendships with the opposite-sex. I can see the shock on my mother's face at the mere suggestion. That would be wrong, it would look improper, it would be improper for her to associate with another man in a close and personal way. My grandmother's generation held a narrower view, and I can still hear my grandmother refer to church and neighborhood men as, "Mr. Young," or "Mr. Olson." Lines existed.

Today, we hold a loose leash on "How to Relate to Others," and even fewer lines of certainty drawn anywhere. Divulging of personal information to any listening ear prevails in an atmosphere of café and coffee shop meet-ups, texting, instant messaging, e-mail, social network platforms and comment section banter. Reins on conversation topics grow looser, responsibility and self-control have relaxed their grip through the dumbing down of conversation that contains an overabundance of information. What our conversations lack in importance we make up for by the number of texts we send. We communicate more and say less, but in the case of friendship, we often say too much. Our world tuned into friendship and "feel good" in lieu of imposing safeguards and setting limits. We have ditched respectability and grabbed for familiarity on all levels. We want to know and be known.

I'll just get it out there now: most people are missing God. Those holes in life they're filling? God-sized. Many people agree with this and know where the snakes lie in the grass ... people who don't know this seem to keep adding more activity and more people to life in order to fill those spaces. Without God in there, they're feeding a vacuum. A black hole of need.

What does this do to marriage? What about male-female relationships outside the bonds of marriage? Should a married man have female friends or a wife have male friends, each enjoying social time separately? Sharing activities, deep conversations, and meeting together when each finds free time? Texting and e-mailing any time of day or night? Are there implications to consider?

Is it okay for a wife to want to hang out with male friends while her husband wrangles the kiddies and manages without her?
Is it okay for him to want to go for coffee or see a concert with female friends while she takes on the roles at home on her own?
Is it right for her husband to feel uncomfortable that she has male friends whom she makes time to see relatively regularly on her own?
Is it right for her to feel uneasy about his female pals with whom he texts or spends time in person?
I have my own answers: Two yes and two no. Not in that order.

Whatever happened to that vow you made? The one stating that you will "cling only unto each other, forsaking all others"? "Cling" doesn't mean hang around each other's necks like baby chimpanzees, but it does mean "hang on tight to what you have right here. And what does forsaking mean, anyway?

forsaking present participle of for·sake (Verb)

Verb

Abandon (someone or something): Forsake the idea for a better one.
Renounce or give up (something valued or pleasant): "I won't forsake my marriage principles".

I believe the initiating of opposite-sex friendship happens when we stop being close friends with our spouses and the drift to opposite shores begins. Most definitely, a spouse should not serve as our only human connection, but marriage is our most important connection, the one we should cultivate first, above all others. Forsaking all others. Giving up friends does not mean giving in to control -- if a husband demands an end to all friendship, by all means, think harder than that. But, if a husband wants that male friend to hit the bricks, please lay those bricks now. Your marriage matters more than does your social life. If you feel a stronger pull to socialize, and if the pull feels any greater than social interaction, you are on the wrong road. That yellow sign up there at the top of the page is the one to obey: DANGER, WRONG WAY, TURN BACK. Proceeding with caution still leads in the wrong direction. You must turn around and do it completely.

We can't know another person's heart, but we can guard ours with everything we have.

Marriage requires giving your best to your spouse, not dangling leftovers in front of him. If you're hanging with others often, same or opposite sex, you aren't ... simply ARE NOT giving your best to your husband. If you share thoughts and feelings with that opposite-sex person for the purpose of evaluating your marriage, you are not giving your best to your husband. If you associate with that friend for the feeling of closeness he or she provides, you are not giving what you should to your marriage; you are cultivating a relationship with the friend.

A friend (female!) and I share a smile over this upended quote,

The grass is always greener where you water it.

If you put the energy into marriage that you would allot to an opposite-sex friend, you would see results. If you take your marriage seriously, you will want to make it greener. People don't marry to fail, but they fail to keep watering, weeding, fertilizing and taking utmost care of the marriage they planted in the first place. When you begin to keep watch over another relationship, you divide your time and you cannot focus the way you should.

Friendship entails sharing. Life troubles arise. Trouble garners sympathy. Sympathy asks for comfort. Comfort shares emotions. Emotions connect. Connections link hearts, and even the happiest marriage can find itself sabotaged by an external friendship that grew too far without pruning of twining branches.

Opposite-sex friendships might remain completely platonic. They certainly can. However, there is always, always, always, ALWAYS potential for temptation. Illegal U-Turns happen. People run red lights and exceed speed limits. People make wrong turns and figure they'll explore a new avenue and see the sights as time allows.

Opposite-sex friendship has to have brakes. Emergency brakes, too. In such friendships, a guard has to always exist. God provides that guard in the form of his Spirit within us ... but we have the free will to make choices, and that makes the difference.

The truth is, good things -- positive relationships -- can start out innocuously. They can begin during a phone call, at lunch, in a bowling alley, during work, at the grocery store, at the kids' school, and in church! An invisible ball, usually static and centered in platonic relationships, begins to roll. It might go unnoticed for a while, but soon, that ball has inched past the center ... the safe zone. Feelings -- distinctly male and female -- can rise. When the Spirit alerts you, how do you respond? If you don't have lines drawn, if you don't listen to the small voice of the Spirit, you don't. You simply follow the ball.

Marriage is more important than any friendship.
Marriage means sacrificing for husband/wife, for the sake of the other, which offers benefits for both.
Married people must live transparently, having no secrets, holding no cards under the table.
Marriage focuses on the other person, not oneself; service and giving trumps asking and receiving.
Marriage joins a couple in every possible way, and the rest of their lives need to fall in line of importance around it, not the other way around.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment, not a chance and not a maybe.

Marriage is more important than meeting for coffee, than playing a sport of joining a club and connecting with other people of similar interests. Marriage is more important than any other commitment in life.

Pray about your friendships, to sincerely ask for God's direction, not rely on our own feelings and needs (which fail us all the time). Bringing it up to God and listening intently for the answer, which may come as a feeling of aversion to those opposite-sex friendships, or a need to back away and set limits, will happen. If you're on the fence in a friendship, looking at the greenery, hop off into your own weedy, brown grass and get watering!

We can't know for certain where friendship will lead, but we do know where marriage will take us. With the focus on what's right and proper, with what we vowed to do on our wedding day, we make the right choice.

A true friend will understand.

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Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending

Share without pretending. Even rereading that sentence doesn't clear it up for me. Yet, the verse from Ephesians 4:15 used to illustrate it gives much more clarity:

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head,that is, Christ.

To speak the truth in love to a husband -- or to anyone -- takes more than tact, forethought, and application of the Golden Rule. To speak the truth in love needs backbone:

- prayer -- always the first stop in any undertaking --give him the whole issue to work on

- submission to the truth -- discerning the truth through faith and knowledge. Oppose
the bold, blatant truth of today's culture that is based on opinion and self-indulgence

- discretion - taking into account a person's feelings, possible reactions, and personality

- responsibility - taking ownership of your words and actions toward someone else, knowing that

your words have power to hurt or heal

The rest of the verse focusing on Christ-likeness, targets all who profess Christianity. Remember, Christ wasn't just a nice guy who healed, cast out demons, taught, and raised some folks from the dead. He provided long-reaching goal of perfection, having never sinned, never fallen to temptation, never hosted negative thoughts, never misled anyone, and then some.

We copy those attributes by following instructions such as this: share without pretending.

Sharing without pretending means to speak to the man you married in a way that shows respect, caring and ... if you don't believe you're feeling it now ... love. This entails treating him the way you want to be treated, not withholding decency and kindness because you believe he should show them first, not lying or hiding truth (white lies are still lies, ladies), and on top of everything, keeping his well-being (physical, spiritual, mental and emotional) in your line of vision at all times, next in line to your love for God. It looks a little like this, for lack of better graphics:

GOD

husband

This does not mean a woman holds less significance in the marriage relationship or in life; it means I put the love of God first in my life, the needs of my husband next, and it's up to li'l ol' me to keep this distinct order so that I find balance. When I take this course of action, rather than studying up on my wants, desires and unmet needs, I feel a very interesting empowerment, but not the "I am woman, hear me roar," kind of power. I feel able to change the course in my marriage from the so-so and the ho-hum to the magnificent and the fabulous! When my husband and I traveled rocky road (as in Rock of Gibraltar) in our marriage, sharing without pretending let me feel the difference between the dive off the rock into the abyss of failure and the climb toward healing. Whatever your state of marriage, making the shift to sharing without pretending means positive change.

This seems contrary to our human nature, huh? It flies in the face of what hungry hearts immediately crave: a fast fix in the form of a 24-Hour All-You-Can-Handle LOVE BUFFET, served by your husband and enjoyed by YOU. Insert giant "BUT": taking my focus of off me, what I want, what I think I need, and putting that focus on the God, and then on the husband he saw fit to provide, makes sense. Really doing it with unselfish purpose starts to balance everything and I find peace in what I attempt. If I revert to focusing on myself, peace takes a back seat to anxiety and stress and I have to recalibrate my efforts by asking forgiveness, apologizing to my husband and praying for greater guidance than I can ever manage alone.

And so, sharing means ...

admitting my failures (personal, spiritual, emotional, mental, societal, work, family, home, and our marriage) out loud to my husband
telling about my successes with facts and without bragging
asking for change - those things you truly need him to change - using God's guidance, focus on feeling, not blaming, not judging and not condemning
letting him know my needs, wants, desires and dreams - not as a "to do" list, but because I want him to know me completely
telling him my hopes for now and the future - again, so he can know me completely
confessing reactions and attitudes from the past that affect today, and asking forgiveness
sharing purchases and financial activity
discussing decisions together - from your brand of toilet paper to saving for the future
living life together -- all of it

... and without pretending means ...

not packing drama into life, avoiding high emotion and not focusing on your feelings (which will lead you astray)
being real, learning to express disappointment or hurt with self-control and doing it for the betterment of your marriage rather than the advancement of your own agenda
understanding the difference between want and need
not embellishing/stretching/coloring the truth to change your husband's mind or feelings
not making decisions and trying to cover for them later
living in the real world with the person you married, not in a virtual one which allows for secrets, and distorted reality as well as wasting time (Internet/electronic)
not using the past, your feelings, or current situations to manipulate, coerce or micromanage your spouse's actions, thoughts or feelings
admitting weakness, immaturity, and lack of knowledge when they exist, asking for your husband's help and guidance, and always going to God first -- you aren't Superwoman, no matter how many tasks you manage -- we aren't meant to do or have it all.
no lies. NONE. No hidden anything, no secrets (exceptions include gifts or something you will share in the future for a positive reason), no half-truths.

Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you. ~~Ephesians 4:29

Sharing without pretending takes some work, especially if you lived the opposite way for much of your life. Think hard before answering and stop the automatic responses to questions. Allow truth to rule. You'll be amazed at how you will change, and the trickle-down from that will seep into so many areas of life you'll feel overwhelmed with the outcomes.

Just do one thing: thank God for the strength, and for the changes you'll discover. He's there through it all -- from the destruction you've witnessed, and then to help pour a new foundation, build strong walls and seal it with a roof. Make sure you include him in the furnishing and in any future renovations, too. He'll never leave, nor forsake you. You do likewise.

Praying for you.

Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing

On any front, answering without arguing takes great responsibility. It means thinking before speaking. It means having humility and having respect for the speaker. It means considering someone else's viewpoint without feeling led to offer another. It means treating the speaker respectfully, the way the listener wants to be treated.

Contradicting, second-guessing, offering opposing thoughts, opining, correcting -- all forms of arguing that some of us, dare I say many of us, use on a daily basis in conversation with those we love. How often do we harpoon a husband's thoughts just as they've entered the waters of the conversation so we can avert certain discussions or avoid the usual conflict ... only to create another one with our argumentative speech? How many times do we shoot down the ideas of our children, just as they're taking wing and rising toward more independence?

Those things seem straight forward, to the point, and plied generously with common sense. Now, consider how often you use those positive reactions in real life.

Answer without arguing. This lesson in "Ten Ways to Love" might stand out as THE ONE. The one that we overlook or devalue because it forces us to face facts. It encourages us to speak truth without tainting it with opinion. It makes us really study ourselves and come to terms with our failure at listening.

Proverbs 17:1 illustrates it like this:

Better a dry crust with peace and quiet

than a house full of feasting, with strife.

Happiness with only the basics, or disgruntlement with all other needs covered in full? This does not mean a trade-off. You can't give up the plenty you might have right now and suddenly find peace and quiet in your home or marriage. A peaceful home, in both attitude and conversation, begins with everyone involved standing firm on the fact that listening attentively to others has to happen first. Then, and only then, will engaging conversation occur, yet that depends on if, and only if each one involved in answering does so with the peace and mercy of God in the response.

No arguing.

We once lived next door to a couple who had three children. The father cared for them during the afternoon while the mother worked, and he liked to keep busy outdoors. He kept the children outside with him, playing and running and sometimes helping. We could see and hear them easily, as our home stood on the edge of their yard where most of their activity took place.

Our clearest memory of that father and his children comes from arguing. Each time their dad gave instructions, one or more of the children would answer with an argument as to why he or she did not want or should not have to act as he commanded. The father would return the argument, hoping, I think, to cajole the child(ten) into complying with his wishes. Not a day went by that did not present us with one of these argument-led encounters. The give and take between the father and his children put him in a position of weakness. Their disrespectfulness, exemplified in their refusals -- unwillingness to do as he said the first time, peppered the interaction with stress.

My husband and I vowed never to allow that kind of repartee. Well, guess what? We have allowed it, feeling the need for our children to understand our wishes and expectations, rather than simply expecting obedience. The toddlerhood "why" moved right along into childhood, and we kept answering, even when the "why" grew manipulative. We dropped the ball on the first throw, and have had to recover and start the game again many times, because we lost our control of the game in the first seconds.

Adult interaction, especially between married couples, looks much different, of course. We don't speak to a spouse with the expectation of obedience. We do speak with the expectation of the other listening, understanding, supporting, and helping (if we ask).

What we get may look like these examples:

1. Him: I see the weather forecast shows rain every day this week.

Her: Oh, I don't think it will rain. You trust the forecast too much.

2. Her: We need to drive our daughter to soccer practice tonight. This week seems so busy; it feels

hard to keep up sometimes.

Him: The kids have too many activities. We need to change that.

3. Him: I'd like to focus on our budget and start saving as much as we can. We haven't worked all

that hard on it in the past.

Her: But we have had more unexpected bills this year, more doctor's appointments, even for you,

and the cost of everything keeps rising.

Tension, even a tiny bit, leads to more strife and discontent. These small illustrations lead to bigger altercations. In many marriages and families, these short discourses end in loud and long battles -- over the weather forecast, a ride to practice, or a suggestion about looking out for the family's future.

How could the responses change?

1. More rain? I hope that forecast changes during the week, do you?

2. I can drive her if you want to get something else done. I feel the same way about the busy week,

but I'm glad the kids have the opportunities they do. They have learned a lot.

3. I know what you mean. I wish we had more saved, and if we put our minds to it, I know we can

find ways to adjust our spending so we can save more. Let me pull out the bills ...

Argument happens when we feel attacked or feel that someone blames us. It happens when we feel at fault, or when we truly are at fault and haven't admitted it. Argument happens out of habit, and out of need to have something to say. Argument happens when a heart fills with negativity instead of positive thoughts and actions.

If you check your tongue in with your brain starting right now, you will see and feel immediate difference. Kudos to you who answer everyone in kindness -- you make great role models! As for the rest of us, purposefully process what others say and respond positively, with thought to their thoughts, with consideration. Train yourself to enter conversation with the other person's feelings and perspective in mind and without the dire need to express yourself, no holds barred.

Remember, having only what you need in a peaceful environment beats having great bounty while you live in conflict. I'd much rather have a chunk of bread and live with my husband peacefully than to have more than we need and choke on the leashed fury caught in my throat all the time.

Betting you feel the same way.

Tales of a Business Traveler's Wife

He sees the airport in each city, and gets to know which hotel offers more comfort and accessibility near those airports. He has Gold status with Hertz. He has perfectly polished hotel manners. He has no trouble asking for assistance or for information. He puts more miles on rental cars than he does his own vehicle. He sleeps and wakes alone. He often eats meals solo, one of the things he hates most. He has excellent rapport with coworkers, with representatives of other businesses, and with those who work in positions of service in his travels.

When he arrives home, he doesn't want to make phone calls or negotiate any issues. He wants peace. He wants to feel respected. He wants to feel that we missed him while he traveled. He wants quiet company, and to have his family enjoy meals together. He hopes for solace and not strife. He wants a bit more perfection than children can muster, but doesn't expect it. He wants to stay home and relax in his favorite chair. He wants to share his experiences, but not have to revisit the work-oriented aspects of them. He wants to sleep in his own bed, snuggling with his wife. He wants ... to ... just ... be.

I, his wife, love to travel. I like a little chaos. I don't mind some disagreement or argumentativeness in the name of debate; sharing ideas and sometimes having opposing thoughts. I don't mind eating alone, even in a crowded restaurant, and would jump at the chance to travel most of the world, even if I had to explore alone. And I have ... the exploring alone part, but not without him worrying every minute. That, because the man I love has had to engage in the business aspect of the trip he has invited me to share with him. He sits in the office, I ride the Metro. I like road trips, with or without hotel reservations. I don't like to ask for directions or for help. I do well in posh hotels or in the Motel 6, either way. I don't know many airports very well.

Our opposite tastes mesh, and we complement each other. Just as God intended.

While I wait at home for this man to return from Seattle or St. Louis, from Detroit or Denver, or from a more rare overseas excursion, I pray often. I pray for his protection, that his words be direct and win over those with whom he meets, that he represent truth and the right way. I pray that temptation will not overtake him in any form. I pray that he will arrive home safe and whole to his family, and I pray that we can pick right up where we left off, as if he hadn't ever left home.

I hate that he travels, but not as much as he does. Some days he'll say, "I'm too old for this." I look at him, his perplexed expression, and know that he isn't too old, but that the travel has worn on him. He wasn't meant for globe trotting, but he does what he has to do and does it well. He makes a terrific example of gentlemanliness when he is out in the world. He also leans toward crazy and quirky activities, acting the comedian or the ring master, depending on the situation. He entertains his business companions, as well as promotes a positive work ethic.

At the end of the day, I pray some more. Whether he has embarked on another trip, or sits beside me watching television, I thank God for his perseverance, persistence and patience in doing what he does not want to do. I pray that I can have the self-control and patience he exhibits with people who rub him the wrong way. And, I pray the reverse; that he can have patience with the everyday, after giving all his patience to others who expect it, but don't act as if they deserve it. I pray thankful prayers that this man is mine, and that though I have to miss him immensely, we remain one, even at a distance.

I pray that his example, out there in the world, helps someone. Many times, he has found help from others, and has had tremendous experiences to share or give or acknowledge his faith in a quiet way. I appreciate his quiet ways most. They speak louder than a sermon and more purposefully than a well-planned lesson.

I also pray that he could know these things about himself, that he could see how God has worked in his life more clearly, and that he could truly, without a doubt, believe that he is an heir of our Father in Heaven. Work does not define him. God does.

Pray for Your Enemy

Enemies. Harumph. Grrrrrr, even.

I think most of us have one, maybe more, for our own reasons. In some instances, my husband can play the part of my enemy. In past situations in which I have felt wronged, many people have acquired enemy status in my mind. Usually, the enemy role flits past, reverting to protocol, so that husband, friend, brother, stranger on the street can go -- often unknowingly -- back to the role they hold everyday in my life. Poof! No more enemy.

You may not get that kind of simple fix. You may have a larger enemy. A husband with whom you have strained relations; you have tossed hateful words and thoughts at each other like grenades, built fortresses of wounded emotions and broken heart fragments, and dug pits of misunderstanding for each other to fall into. Misunderstanding breeds contempt. Contempt leads to enemy status.

Maybe you have infidelity to overcome and both parties involved have wronged you, becoming your enemies. You may have betrayal, or financial indiscretion to fight. Perhaps your enemy wears the face of a parent, neighbor, friend, or even a child. Your manager or a coworker may play that role. Whomever you envision in the crosshairs when you think of the word "enemy" has less to do with your feelings than it does with your insistence on keeping them in that place. You may feel hatred, despair, loneliness, fear, anxiety, depression or inability to remove the battlefield you have constructed from your thoughts. You need to know that you can do better than that.

You can pray for your enemy, and no, not for his or her destruction, as good as the vindication might feel. Pray for his well-being. Pray for her to find happiness and peace in her life. Pray for them to come to God and to grow in faith. Pray for your enemy's success in healthy relationships, or in money matters. Pray that your enemy will survive and thrive. You will not believe the difference in your own heart and life.

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them

that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;"

Matthew 5:44

Ugh! That seems a tall order, especially when I feel myself in the trenches in my own one-sided war, keeping my enemy in the crosshairs under practiced hatred or disdain. People learn to hate, and hate feeds itself, growing larger without any base in truth. Instead, we follow our feelings, which lie, change quickly and deceive. I have to practice love to keep it; hate works the same way. In hatred of my enemy, the actions I choose play into my feelings and move into my thoughts, overtaking any good I might see or feel.

Loving my enemy and really considering how to bless those who curse me, do good to those who hate me, pray for someone who spitefully uses me and persecutes me seems impossible. As the saying goes, "God didn't say it would be easy. He did say it would be worth it." This applies not only to living as a Christian, but to buckling down and LIVING AS A CHRISTIAN. Harboring hatred and disdain for an enemy looks a lot like opposition to Christ, because (cough-cough) it IS.

But, why do I want something good for someone who has hurt me?

I want to do something good for someone who has knowingly or unknowingly hurt me because it frees me. Not to mention, God requires it and Jesus said it. Period.

Forgiving my enemy -- when I put my mind to it and want that forgiveness in place -- frees me. My human heart wants to keep protecting itself, and the Father of Lies (Satan, the devil, the Deceiver, etc.) wants me to keep opposing God. I coddle hurt feelings, nurture scuffed pride, and revisit painful memories that aid in my self-pity and anger. And for what? To keep feeling bad?

The whole while, the opposite is true. I could learn to stop hurting. I could learn to relinquish my pride. I surrounded myself with positive role models (never align yourself with another suffering individual, and never, ever one of the opposite sex). I read blogs about how to recover from emotional infidelity, about rebuilding marriage, and about success stories in the Christian realm. Mainstream sources told me I should decide if I should stay and to focus on what would make me happy and feel vindicated and to search out all the parts of the puzzle in order to know the full story of something I never wanted in the first place. And for what? To rub salt in the wound? Red flags flying, people!

God wants us to fight for our marriages, and demanding to know hurtful information will only serve to pile on the pain and aid negativity -- and give step-up for Satan, allowing him access to lead us not only into temptation, but to possible retaliation. When does the search for information end? Why not walk on hot coals and stab yourself in the eyes, too? I believe in human truth as the absence of lies, and I have learned that telling someone hurtful truths just for the sake of informing does not come from God. That kind of truth hurts in a way that doesn't heal, but causes suspicion. Don't sleuth it out of the darkness. Point yourself to the Light of the Truth -- God's truth -- and it will set you free. His truth requires and provides forgiveness, requires righteousness, and offers freedom --- unmatchable, unfathomable freedom that you can't understand until you give yourself up to it. It's a different path than the one the world offers: abandon the wrong-doer, divorce, cut your losses, remove that person from your life, move on with the new. We are supposed to rehabilitate murderers, addicts and thieves but not those who hurt us in life?

I learned to let go of the hurt, pray it all out, scream and cry in front of God to do it. More than once. But it grew easier. Each time I "gave it to God" and took it back, the pain reduced. Seriously. God gave my pain a half-life every time I turned it over to him. Scientifically, that meant at some point, my pain would be zero. And I would have to work at having it, not just sit around waiting for the struggle to go away. You can have it, too. Keep praying for it, keep your self-control and know that God is in charge. Trust, believe, have faith. The whole nine yards. And that means handing control to God and giving up a prideful hold on the situation.

Scoff, scoff. I hear you! Keep reading. Don't click away in a huff.

I had a hard time accepting that forgiveness and praying for my enemy would free me. I thought about it for quite a while, and I imagined what it would feel like, but it ended there, with me waiting to feel this awesome forgiveness. God put others in my path to direct me, and I learned I could take action and see what comes, or I could continue prowling around in the rubble, looking for pieces and hoping to rebuild from scraps.

One morning, I sat down and laid out for God some major points. I discussed the matter as if I were gathering information for filing my taxes, with a few sighs of "do I have to do this?" and a few tears of self-pity for good measure. Fortunately, God requires no paperwork or back-up. He takes what we give and he makes it work, and gives back to us, to boot.

I hit these points with the Father:

I wanted to feel the forgiveness I was offering.
I wanted to feel merciful toward the person I prayed for, and in a benevolent way, not in a high-and-mighty way. I wanted to offer grace like God does.
I wanted to have peace, the kind that comes with understanding of God's ways.
I wanted to feel free of the pain that strangled me , or that punched me in the chest at inopportune moments.
I wanted to accept that I couldn't change the facts or repaint pictures of the past.
I wanted to have the strength to pray for my enemy -- for good, not evil.
I wanted to have the opportunity to help someone else because of my experience.
I wanted the person I held as an enemy to find joy and peace.

I prayed these things out to God, and then just began praying for my enemy, without second-guessing myself. I could feel that the words came from the Holy Spirit, because no way could I come up with the blessings I was asking.  When the Spirit takes control, a person can overcome selfishness and hurt. It takes surrender, though, and for many people, surrender seems like failure. It's SOOOO not.

Until you take this challenge on yourself, you can't know the feeling of euphoria in having done God's work His way.  A feeling of purpose entered my heart. I could even name my enemy, which I could not do before. That helped a lot in prayer, I have to say. While God does know our needs, it helps to name them for our own peace of mind and to connect better with God. It's being honest and courageous before God, and I believe he blesses us for that.

I felt the freedom. I had to regain it a few times because I gave it up in order to backtrack to the low places out of habit and human nature, and out of desire to protect ME. Yet, each time I returned to praying for that list of needs, I found I could drop one or two because I had them covered, with God's encouragement and strength. In only a few weeks, I could pray immediately for the forgiveness and for my enemy, feeling the difference between clinging to God and climbing toward him.

I'm praying for you -- I don't even need to know your name or your enemy. Give it a try and don't give up or give in.   You. Can. Do. It.