Creating Ishmael, Not Trusting God

Meet Abraham and Sarah.  Two Old Testament retirees, working through their Golden Years, fully in the know that they have no children to sustain them in their old age.  No descendants to carry on the family line and traditions. Safe in the knowledge that they will not produce offspring.

Always capable of a good miracle, God sends them word that they will, in fact, have a son.  Against the reality of Sarah's inability to conceive, God says, "Yep.  You will."  Sarah laughs.  How silly?  An old woman, not to mention a barren one?  Bear a child?  Impossible.

Sarah doubts.
Sarah feels skeptical.
Sarah turns pessimistic, even after leaving all she knew to travel with Abraham into a strange land, all based on a promise of God. All promises fulfilled.
Sarah decides that to make this promise of God come true, she must devise it in her own way, from her own understanding of her situation.  She is years away from Solomon's guiding wisdom:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight. 

~~Proverbs 3:5-6

These pre-Israelites trusted.  They followed.  They upheld the laws and turned their lives topsy-turvy at a single word from God.

But this time, not Sarah.  She created her own answer to God's promise.  She took her own route in the only way she could imagine conceiving a child:  by giving the job to someone else.

Sarah sends her husband to her handmaiden, Hagar.  Abraham questions this, but obviously doesn't see how a son will come to him without some intervention, either. Surely, he wanted an heir as much as Sarah wanted to provide one. He and Hagar conceive a son.

And so, Ishmael innocently enters the family line on a tangent.  As we may expect, Sarah doesn't like it.  She doesn't like Hagar's son receiving Abraham's attention. She doesn't like the uppity glances from Hagar. And later, when God's promise comes true in the birth of Isaac (a name meaning laughter), Sarah doesn't like Hagar's firstborn taking any time away from her own son, and fears the loss of her son's birth right.  She wants to get rid of the evidence of the plans she hatched on her own and go back to God's way, once she had proof of his promise in Isaac. God grants her wish, asking Abraham to dispense of mother and child to wander the desert. God leads Ishmael to father his own nation, the nomadic ArB nation. Sarah's distrustful plans still exist in the world in the present day, just as sure as the nation of Israel exists.

Have you ever created an Ishmael in your life? Have you sought God's answers and found yourself waiting, only to find a way around God's time and into your own, less lengthy solution?

Sarah didn't trust God's promise word for word. She took her own route to the conception and birth of a son, but wound up with only a lookalike, a manufactured version of God's plan.

I empathize with Sarah. When our first baby miscarried and left me empty and my husband confused and sad, I prayed for a replacement. I felt desperate in my desire to fill that void. The second we had doctor's permission to try again, I made procreation a full-time focus. I researched fertility signs and cycles. I read and formed my own hypotheses regarding the best opportunities to conceive. I scheduled prime conception days on a calendar and tried to pinpoint ovulation to allow for the peak of fertility to grace our efforts. I did all but choreograph our physical encounters.

I created an Ishmael called Stress and another named Marriage Neglect. They were not God's intended plans and I would suffer at their presence in my life for many years before God would send them packing through painful experience. God used them for good, ultimately, but not without ensuring I learned something important from them.

How many Ishmael's can you identify in your life? There are many to "conceive" for 21st Century women, a few of which may be:

- having a biological child, as Sarah wanted (I know this path, and I do not judge those seeking infertility options; they do have their pitfalls)
- active/involved children in society/academics/activities
- having it all (home, family, job, all the perks)
- making sure our families want for nothing
- a worry-free future
- doing more/better than the previous generation
- maintaining a "model family"
- wanting intimate friendship, or a circle of friends
- wanting emotional closeness with a spouse (and not getting it)
- focusing on optimum health/excellent physical being

What drawbacks, pitfalls or discomfort might any of these endeavors cause? Feel free to comment on any or all.

The lesson in Ishmael offers instruction on not going around God's time and not working doggedly so as to leave nothing to chance. Even if we do succumb to our own will above His, God will use our selfishness to carry out His plans, just as He did with Ishmael, David, and other biblical models.

God knows our hearts, just as He knew Sarah's. He knows we may use headstrong notions to encourage outcomes we have prayed for, and while we do need to take action, we need even more to listen and watch with more patience for God's direction.

My Ishmael production has settled down because God's peace has covered those areas well. I do know I have learned the feel of bypassing God's plan an implementing my own. Mainly, I feel an intense pressure and an uncomfortable drive to have or achieve something right now, or at least ASAP.

If an idea comes from God I don't believe His way builds intense stress. I know my way does. When what I'm doing takes all my energy, time, thought, patience and kindness, I am well on my way to conceiving an Ishmael, and I need to stop, collect myself, pray for forgiveness and fir direction on the path God has for me.

Your turn! How do you handle the desire to create an Ishmael? What confusion or frustration have you found as you move through a self-directed process? How do you know you followed an alternate path and what happened to redirect you? Where is your Ishmael, now? Let's learn from each other!

Marriage Resurrection

We celebrate Easter each spring, and I have learned to love hearing people share the greeting, "Happy Resurrection Day!"  What powerful meaning in those few words.

Easter Sunday is all about the resurrection of Jesus from the grave, overcoming death and taking his place in Heaven to make a place for those of us who believe and profess his death as payment for our sins and his subsequent resurrection as proof that he was no ordinary earthly man -- that death will not win.

Along with that amazing part of the story, Resurrection Day means a new start.  Christ, now residing in Heaven, preparing a place ... but also that the veil, keeping humans from intimate communion with God the Father, tore, opening the way directly to God.  Those who believe in the fullness of what Christ's death means know they have direct access to God, in Christ's name.  He opened the way for us -- the way to God and the way to eternal life.

I am the resurrection and the life.  Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this? ~~ John 11:25-26

As you look forward to Resurrection Day on Sunday, does renewed marriage enter your mind?  Easter Sunday reminds us of a new start.  Bulbs containing hyacinths, crocus, daffodils and lilies burst into bloom.  Trees begin to bud.  And as for the Lord?  A new way to interact with God -- no more intermediaries, no intercessors but for Christ.  No human needs to offer sacrifices and visibly sanctify himself to enter the Holy of Holies after that glorious day.  God gave us direct access that day, trading the veil in the temple for the blood of Christ.  The veil represented a sanctioned area, not available to us.  Through Christ's blood we receive forgiveness, and can talk with God as we request forgiveness for our sins.

But marriage?

Yes.  Would not Resurrection Day -- the day of Christ rising from the dead -- make a good new beginning for marriages that lie in a state of lifelessness?  Cannot the God who raised Christ from the dead raise a marriage from the depths to which it has fallen?  Cannot a God who sees us as his beloved children bring us to a place of peace and grace toward a mate who has forgotten his vows or has betrayed trust, so that we may offer that same grace? Can we take the forgiveness offered us through the death and rising of Christ, no matter what our wrongs, and move to a better place as a wife?  Can we take that forgiveness and pass it on?

As you prepare your home and family for this Easter celebration, prepare your heart for a renewal.  If you are one whose marriage has run off course or has hit a rocky place, or even if it has run aground and you see no way to repair it ... take hold of the truth of Resurrection Day.  Believe that death has lost its sting ... Christ overcame the grave to show us the path to forgiveness, new life in Him, and eternal life with God.  If physical death can lose its power over us through Christ, a lifeless marriage can certainly find new life through Him.

Call on Him.  Pray to the One who allows you direct access, no more hiding behind a veil -- it doesn't exist anymore.  Christ died for you, for your husband, for your family -- for everyone on Earth.  We need only accept that priceless gift and make the most of it.

A resurrected marriage may not happen within three days, but it can happen.  Invite God into it with you, and every day, remind yourself to meet with Him.  He will show you the way.  Through Christ's sacrifice on the cross you may follow without fear.  He did it for you.

                         
Not a "believer", a Christian, a follower of Christ?  If God has touched your heart and you have felt the little stirrings of His presence in your life, I hope that you will take the opportunity to ask His Son into your heart right now.  

If you would like to pray the prayer below, or one of your own, you will have done all that is necessary to accept the Holy Spirit's guidance in your life.  It doesn't end there -- you will want to keep learning and growing in your faith, and better understanding not only what Christ's work on the cross really means, but also more about how to follow him as you go through this life.  

Dear Lord God,
I am a sinner, and I ask your forgiveness for the wrong I have thought, said and done in my life. I believe in Jesus Christ as your only Son, born as a man and crucified, dying to pay for all our sins, and that he rose from the dead by your power.  I ask for Jesus to enter my heart and to guide me through this life on the right path.  Thank you for this gift of forgiveness and eternal life, through Christ, that only You can give.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

Please get yourself a Bible, if you don't have one, or download an on-line version or a SmartPhone application (Bible Gateway).  Finding a Bible-based church (one that teaches directly from the Bible, using verses from it as basis for sermons/messages) or a Bible Study group that you can attend where you live will help you learn and grow in your faith.  Taking time to learn and speak with other believers will make your walk in faith more fulfilling and give you a place to go with questions.

May God bless you in this new beginning -- the most important step you can take in life.  

Amy

Choose Gratitude

Gratitude.  Thankfulness running in high gear.  Giving thanks for what we have, great or small.  Living with  mindful intent, noticing, experiencing and giving credit to the proper Source for everything ... while specifically listing them.  Having the desire to pass on that feeling to others.  Sharing.  Giving.  Spreading the goodness of that grateful essence.

In terms of faith, it means paying respect to the One who provided for me, but I have to have the vision to see the provision.  I have to learn to see the big picture as well as train myself to see the smallest brush strokes or pixels.

Gratitude is, in truth and in life, an attitude.  How we think about and accept what life brings us makes all the difference.  Thinking about what we have, our abilities, our work, our basic needs, the existence of other humans to offer us companionship, and keeping all of this in an attitude of  thankfulness makes gratitude part of our personality ... if we choose to accept it and cultivate it.  Feeling and giving gratitude means making a conscious choice.

The apostle, Paul, writes in 1 Thessalonians 5: 15-18 (emphasis added),

Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

Rejoice always,  pray continually,  
give thanks in all circumstances; 
for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

I feel momentum building when I think of feeling grateful.  When I get into a groove while counting my blessings in my marriage and life,  gratitude flows so easily.  Why don't more people do this? It rocks -- it brings a euphoria, thinking of and thanking God for what I have, who I am, what I do and how I do it.  I give thanks for the possibility of the future, which I can't know, but He does.  I thank Him for preparing me for it in the now.

I thank Him for snow as it falls, for the sun when it shines and for the process that brings buds out in trees and flowers poking up through the earth.  I thank Him for the people He has brought into my life for their blessings, teachings and strengths.  I thank Him for knowledge, understanding and the ability to continue learning.  I thank Him for  modern medicine and for the positive uses of modern technology.  I thank Him for the examples of faith in others who inspire me, and for the feeling of wanting to follow in those inspirational footsteps to help guide my own path.  I thank Him for opportunities to share Him -- even for showing me when I have missed my chance.  I thank him for missed chances, because that means I have learned to recognize them more easily.  I thank Him for his blessings, his power, his grace and his comfort.

Then, a difficult situation comes along.
My gratitude sometimes flies south like a bird in late October, looking for sunnier circumstances.

My grasp of gratitude isn't as strong as I think it is, and that tells me I need to lean harder and practice giving thanks and adoration more often and with greater intent and always reach in the same direction when negative influences come along.  I need to train gratitude to stay with me, for it empowers me to pick up and sort the pieces of an accident, a failure or a large life implosion and move forward with less of the regret that comes with bad times and more of a "can do" attitude that gratitude provides.   Having gratitude helps me learn from the experience, to see that bending doesn't mean breaking and breaking doesn't mean the end.

I must train gratitude to sit and stay by giving praise often and more fervently than I do.  I need to remember that the good times are good because God has provided them.  If I train it to sit and stay, I will find that in difficult times I can train it to go and fetch ... to retrieve the good when it seems I can find none.

I need to remember that the good times will help me get through the bad ones.  Difficult times come along just as unannounced and unexpectedly as the good ones!   I must bank gratitude for an emergency, or it won't be there when I need it.

I also need to share it with others and praise it to God to help ensure that I don't let it fly when the nice weather turns.  When I speak it, share it, act it, I feel its staying power.  It won't fly so easily when it connects people, moments, memories, and my life experiences.

I must continually offer thanks to God in the good times and for the little things, looking deep into the details when I don't find lots of large, obvious praiseworthy items.  I need to see past the ornaments on the tree to the needles that hold the hook, and to the twigs that secure them to the branches, then on to the trunk that holds the branches in place, to the roots that grew the tree, all the way to the earth and the nutrients that helped grow and nurture it ... and where did all that come from anyway?  Connections.  That's gratitude.

Gratitude practice, for lack of a better term, can get started with this kind of chain-of-thought thankfulness.

Giving thanks for the beautiful gift your friend gave you.
Giving thanks for the thought behind the gift..
Giving thanks for the good job her husband has in these economic times.
Giving thanks that her husband reveres her place at home to care for him and their family.
Giving thanks for the friend's creative thinking in choosing the gift.
Giving thanks for her friendship.
Giving thanks for the memory of how she has blessed your life.
Giving thanks for the time she took your children when you had an emergency need.
Giving thanks for her generous spirit.
Giving thanks for what makes her different from you.

The more you link, the more you'll find.  Keep looking!

Mary Southerland, a Christian writer and speaker, writes in a "Girlfriends in God" devotional,

"God entrusts trials to us, giving us the opportunity to choose gratitude.'

Gratitude sits on a shelf, always one of our choices.  It sits alongside selfishness, victimization, discontent, complaining, doubt, fear, hatred, mockery and disbelief.  It also shares space on the shelf near joy, truth, peace, understanding, contentedness, trust, love, selflessness, belief and respect.

And yet, God entrusts us with trials, knowing we can grow toward him or shrink from him.

Our human hearts lean toward evil and selfishness, we are fallen humans.  We fell away from close communion with God when Eve ate of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge an passed a portion to Adam, who didn't handily fend off her encouragement.  They missed showing gratitude for what God provided for them, and moved from having enough to wanting more.  We now have to train ourselves toward gratitude.  This makes a life-long struggle between fleshly wants and spiritual needs.

Choose gratitude.

To choose gratitude forces most of us to change our ways, get out of our rut of expectation and insistence that we deserve better.  Christ-likeness is a goal we will never completely reach here on earth and requires terrific amounts of change.  To live with gratitude means more focus on others, and some possible meetings with defeat, pain, hard work and persecution for doing it.  It sounds harsh, I know.  It's the reality of doing work for God.  When you set out to live with a mindset of gratitude, when you feel determined to change your attitude, Satan will challenge you through your experience in the world.  It's it His Word, with the following verses to illustrate:

“If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you…. If they persecuted Me they will persecute you… for they do not know the One who sent Me.” John 15:19-21

Even so, when difficult experiences present themselves, you can thank God for:

• keeping you from falling to the temptation that will come -- mainly, the temptation to follow the world and its ways.  They're accepted by more people, and they seem so much easier, until you get lost in them
• helping you to focus on what's right and good, and finding others who work for that focus, too
• giving you strength, peace and patience to overcome life's trials
• letting you see the attack for what it is -- distraction from your goal -- like chocolate chip cookies staring at you as you work on changing your eating habits, that's Satan's attack on gratitude -- hitting you in your soft spot
• His presence always; that he will never leave or forsake you
• for moments of truth, beauty, goodness and hope that make gratitude seem easy
• for His forgiveness, His gift of eternal life through Christ, and His mercy

Choose gratitude.  Make the effort to find the silver lining in every cloud.  Thank Him for the small stuff and keep your heart in motion, always looking, always giving thanks.

Living a life of gratitude to God can change you, and in turn, can change other people as they witness your example in everyday life.  

I Forgive You ... This Is Not the End of the Story.

This past Sunday, our pastor's sermon focused on forgiveness as a command of God.  God does not suggest or imply that we should forgive.  He commands that we forgive -- and without following in the Creator's footsteps on this one, we will not receive forgiveness.  If we aren't merciful and just to forgive, He won't do that for us, either.

Bring on the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant of Matthew 18: 21-35.

In this parable, we learn that a king demands repayment of a very large loan given his servant. The servant cannot repay, and the king orders the servant and his family sold to repay the debt.  The servant begs for time to pay. The king's heart softens; he forgives the debt.

The forgiven servant goes on his way and meets a fellow servant who owes him a debt. He physically chokes the man, demanding immediate and full payment.  The other man begs for mercy, but the forgiven man has him thrown in prison until he comes up with the cash.

Learning of this from eye-witnesses, the king has the formerly forgiven man tortured until he pays his debt in full.

In verse 35, Christ states, 

"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart."

Whammo.  Did you feel that?

The parable stems from a question the apostle, Peter, asked.  How many times should I forgive my brother who sins against me?  Christ cited the well-known "seventy times seven times" -- which seems shockingly many to most people.  Four hundred ninety times to forgive one person for doing the same thing again and again?  Four hundred ninety times to forgive one person for four hundred ninety separate offenses?  The message does not focus on the calculations, but on the forgiving.  Offer it.  Mean it.  Make the effort and feel the difference.  Do it as many times as you must, and don't stop offering mercy to another person.

God doesn't stop offering it to you ... get the picture?

And what do we find as the alternative if we don't forgive?

As humans, we don't feel an automatic desire to forgive.  The minute we perceive wrong-doing toward ourselves we begin to think vindictively.  How can I "get my enemy back" for this?  Our wheels begin to turn in a negative direction, we grease them by remembering the awful deeds done, and many of us give the whole works a tune-up regularly, sharing the terrible, horrible, unforgivable event with those who will offer us what we truly desire:  sympathy.

As we rage inside, cry outside, feel degraded and spiteful, and work very, very hard on feeling like a victim, we create our very own torture chamber.
No one else can see or feel it the way we do.
We may lose or gain weight, begin having health problems, feel anxious or depressed.

In actuality, refusing to offer forgiveness can bring the same result as not asking forgiveness for our own sins.  The results devastate the one who holds the boxful of hurt, no matter if he gave or received.  We lose the listening ear of God, and he cannot look upon us in our sin.  


Our humanness shuts the door on forgiveness because it feels like giving in or giving up.  At the upper limits, it feels like paying high respect to someone who does not deserve it.  Why would I give such a gift to someone who has not earned it?  I prefer that someone earn my forgiveness when I have suffered so greatly.

I want to exact as much pain and suffering from the perpetrator as he inflicted on me.  I want to witness his suffering, not just hear about it.  I want to measure the dose and force-feed it.  I want an eye for an eye.  I want restitution, not just once, but over and over again.

If left to my own devices, I will never succeed in righting a wrong or in feeling freed from the bonds of what I suffered at the hands of someone else if I insist on rehashing it, reliving it and repeating it to anyone who will listen.


What of listening?  There are three ways to listen, as I experience it.  We listen with our ears, through reading the Bible and "hearing" God's messages for us, and through the mouthpiece of God found in others who cross our paths and say things that give us that Spirit nudge.  When we listen we will not hear God ever say something like, "Please wallow in self-pity for now."  We will not hear him say, "I will wipe away all the pain from this and you can go on as if nothing ever happened."  We will hear him say, "Forgive.  Forgive as I have forgiven you."

The truth:  forgiveness frees us.  Those bonds of memory do not affect the person who inflicted the pain.  The rehearsing doesn't make that person suffer.  The reliving doesn't remind him of his wrong and cause him to ask forgiveness.  None of these things happen for one reason:  unforgiveness affects only me.  And, as I read the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant, it will affect my relationship with God.

God forgives me whenever I ask, no matter what my sin looks like.  No matter how harshly I have judged, how badly I have hurt, how thoroughly I have wronged someone, He forgives me ... just for the asking from a contrite heart.  My heart.  No one may ask forgiveness for me.

This same God paved the way for me to have this privilege to come to him and ask forgiveness by sacrificing his Son to an unearned death.  Offering him up to torture, to ridicule and to a blameless conviction ... and through a horrible, painful death on a cross for all to see, he gave to us -- and so much of the time we don't get it.  We have this free gift, and we squander it, wanting it only for ourselves.  Little do we realize, we miss a very important command:  to forgive others as God forgives us.

And if I can't understand that and act according to my selfish  desires because I "deserve better", do I really deserve the forgiveness I ask of God?


Similar articles:

Forgiveness:  Doing the Impossible
How to Pray:  Christ's Example
Forgive without Punishing

Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing

  When a woman marries, she may have only an inkling about forgiveness, aside from a few "that's okays" casually tossed in the direction of the "I'm sorrys" that come from small offenses.  Misdemeanors often go unnoticed, sentence served, case dismissed. 

Medium-sized transgressions might let us stick to "no harm done" reactions, but both sizes can build to an invisible invader called "resentment."  Carry a grudge around with you long enough, unspoken and boxing it up with others of its kind, and that's what you get.   To conquer it requires breaking it down into parts; your job comes in deciding which pieces need to be dealt with in forgiveness or understood in loving forgetfulness.

Large-sized wrongs, on the other hand, provide very large hurts, therefore, reasons for offering big forgiveness.  The bad stuff.  Shocking, horrible, beyond-belief wrongs that two people in a marriage never thought possible.  The things people quit trying to overcome and bandage with divorce papers.  When a couple takes this route, suffering succeeds only in hiding love and people build fortresses of regret and resentment to further block the small deeds that make love real. And so, they stop "feeling" it.  Forgiveness can conquer any of these sins.

We always have the option to forgive.  We always have the ability to forgive.  We do not always have the grace to forgive, nor the strength, desire or decency to offer it.  Worse, we want what is ours, so to speak.  We want to have the wrong erased ... sometimes along with the wrong-doer.  We want to have the wrong-doer feel our pain, and to never cease feeling sorry for it -- our own, self-prescribed restitution.

At this point, at the place we stand and wish for destruction of our enemy or for him to feel the pain of his erroneous ways toward us, we make our biggest mistake:  trying to devise proper punishment.

Paul writes in Colossians 3:13

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (emphasis added)

As the Lord forgave you.  As the Lord forgave YOU.

A person offering forgiveness should:

Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Completely.
Without reservation.
Without asking restitution.
Without charging a fee.
Without doubt.
With no grudges or resentment.
With love and trust.
Without remembering, rehearsing or reliving the wrong to remind you of it, just to keep you on the right path.
With God's help, guidance, direction, grace, power, sustenance, love, and desire for righteousness.

In other words, forgive with the completeness of God, to the best of our ability.

Imagine the lines above coming from God, but in reverse.  Imagine taking God's forgiveness while he holds reservation about it ... doesn't trust you to do better and go on from here having learned something.  Think about forgiveness at a price -- a dollar amount, a physical trade, a mental toeing the line.  Consider taking it while knowing He resents giving it, or has a list of wrongs against you that you don't know and can't understand.  Imagine asking His forgiveness and having Him remember and remind you about your sin daily or weekly or EVER ... just to keep you in line.  Imagine Him offering forgiveness, but doing it without help, guidance, direction, grace, power, sustenance, and love ... and expecting righteousness without fail.  These are the things humans do to each other to exact punishment in exchange for forgiveness -- a sad, second-rate rendition of forgiveness.  We attach strings.

To forgive without punishing we need to:

Not punish a person by reminding him of his sin and how/how much it hurt.
Not advertise his bad choices to others.
Not throw a person's sin in his face to vindicate your status as victim.
Not withhold loving action until he straightens up and flies right.  We need to always love.
Not expect perfect behavior.  We don't offer it, how can anyone else?
Be prepared to continue offering forgiveness.  People make mistakes.
Pray for everything we need to uphold forgiveness.  God is our rock, our fortress, our deliverer, our strength, our all.

I can easily understand what forgiveness feels like it when I receive it even if I have difficulty accepting it. Conversely, I cannot easily feel the goodness and completeness of giving it. I often prefer to wallow in self-pity a while and would like for the person who sinned against me to suffer consequences. Dire consequences, please.  Turn up the pain and suffering dial to "Super-Boil".  I have trouble not playing the martyr and not suffering at length. I can see forgiveness as something the other person should somehow deserve -- whether earned or bought -- when I want to see it that way.  All of that = WRONG.

The desire to punish and the lack of timely forgiving action oppose God. They have no worth, other than to harm, and I have to -- have to -- work at seeing through God's perspective rather than my own damaged and warped view.  My human view.  This includes seeing myself as insufficiently capable of that kind of godliness and Christlikeness, unless I enlist God's help to sustain my weakness and, truth be told, inability to learn from my own mistakes.  The number one mistake?  Not offering forgiveness as soon as possible.

I need forgiveness from God as I prepare to offer forgiveness.  I need forgiveness for harboring hurtful thoughts, for thinking in a dastardly way about someone, for feeling dislike and hate as they bubble to the surface ... the byproducts of feeling wronged.  When I ask forgiveness, I also need to ask for guidance, strength and humility in giving His brand of forgiveness -- the kind that ignores the effect on me and lets me work past it and on to something better.

When we sin against God, he forgives us when we ask, and then picks right up and continues with his plan -- maybe around what we have done or maybe pushing right through it and He uses the situation for good.

We, in our own offering of forgiveness, need to come to the same place -- to forgive without punishing, and to continue forward toward the good.  When we stop looking back to the place of pain, the forgiveness will come easier, and the view into the future brightens.  If we continually look back into the darkness of the past (hurt and pain), we will succeed only in dimming the light ahead of us and have to work harder to feel the warmth and goodness of clarity that comes from forgiveness.

To forgive and not punish really takes the extra work out of it for us.  Is it not harder to hang onto the snarling, many-toothed desire to bite down and not let go, like an animal hanging onto its prey, than it is to not bite down and hang on at all?

Easier said than done?  Of course.  Yet,  God provides the tools and we can do it, with practice, determination, and a willing heart.


Other Articles in This Series:

• Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
• Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
• Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
• Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
• Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting 
• Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
• Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
• Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering 

How to Pray: Christ's Example

Many church congregations recite the Lord's Prayer each week.  In a church we formerly attended, some congregants pitched fits if the pastor left the recitation out of the Order of Service.  For some, it gives comfort, just hearing the familiar words of Matthew 6: 9-13. 

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For Thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever.

Amen.

The prayer, however, serves a much greater purpose than recitation by an individual or congregation.  It serves as the model for prayer for all of us.  If a person looks at the words and understands their meaning, he can see the outline for prayer, not a "fill in the blank" activity, but a stately, point-by-point idea of what to "cover" while talking to God.  It stands as teaching tool from Jesus to us.

It's important to pray from the heart, rather than to offer grandiose, repetitive or pride-filled offerings to God that magnify your vocabulary rather than the Lord to whom you pray.  Matthew 6:7-8 states,

 "And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."

 



A little note, first.  Every prayer you breathe or speak during the day may not hit all of these points.  When you feel afraid or frustrated, joyful or hopeful, or feel the need for protection, you will usually just express those things, often on the fly.  The Lord's Prayer fits the bill of a "full-on" prayer, which would fit for your devotion time, bedtime, or whenever you take that special time to commune with God.

Starting at the beginning, the first segment of the prayer above represents glorifying God and recognizing him for who he is.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

 I don't speak King James Bible very well, and my prayer will begin more like:

"Dear God, Thank you for your grace and majesty, and your power that I see every day.  I pray to understand your will for me, and to work for the furthering of your kingdom.  Please make me a blessing to someone today. Put me on the path you want for me, for your purpose."

Each day, I find it easier to find praises to offer, and sometimes spend more time on that than anything else.  I might offer thanks for all the recent blessings in my life, for my children, for my husband, and for life itself.  The more you pray, the more prayers will open for you as you communicate with God.

The next section covers the basics.  Food and sin, those things we partake in every day -- one on purpose, the other by imperfection.

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Your prayer might sound like the following:

"Thank you for the food, clothing and shelter you provide each day, and for my husband's (or your own) job that meets those needs, and keeps us in your care.  Please forgive me for my angry outburst at the kids today, when I felt frustrated at how much I had to do.  Please guide me in managing my day and my temper.  I ask your forgiveness when I listened to gossip with friends today and didn't stand up for what is right. I offer forgiveness to my brother for making so many careless statements today, and pray that he find peace and the right path to follow.  I know he is in a difficult place right now."

I often find several sins to mention that I didn't realize until they come out of my mouth.  If you think you may have some sins harbored in your heart somewhere, ask God to show them to you so that you can ask forgiveness for them.  You may be surprised at the things he reveals, both big and small.  Getting them out in the open before Him makes a difference.  For those who have children, just hearing them say, "Yes, I took the cookies," relieves you.  The truth frees you both.  You just want to hear them admit what you already know, and God wants the same from each of us. 

The final piece of the prayer involves the protection of God, and some more praise for his attributes. 

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For Thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever.

Amen.

 

Your prayer might sound something like:

 

"I pray that you will build a hedge around me today, keeping things that will tempt me away.  Help me to get right to work and not procrastinate.  Let me focus on my family and not jump online "just to check" and find myself still at it an hour later.  I pray for our marriage, that you will keep our hearts in tune to each other, that we will continue to serve each other selflessly.  Keep Satan in his place, and when I meet him in the world, help me to immediately recognize and avoid his devices.  I ask these things, knowing you are the God of Heaven, and that you know all, see all and can do all.  In the name of Christ I pray.  Amen."

 

Don't feel daunted if you think my prayer seems long.  My goal is to illustrate and offer enough example for anyone who may like "a little extra".  Some days are shorter, others quite long.  The general idea falls in what I think of as six basic categories:

 

Praise

Repentance

Thanks (for blessings, safety, answered prayer, etc.)

Petitions (healing, safety, prayer for others, needs, etc.)

Protection

Glorification

and through all of it, Listening.  When God nudges, perk up and pay attention!

 

Each person's prayer will look or sound different from those of others.  I have a friend who prays very simply and beautifully, and when she prays aloud, others just sigh in reverence.  She talks to God with complete trust and humility.  Knowing comparison is wrong, I find I use her example to learn from, just as I do from most prayers I hear in church or at gatherings. 

 

We learn to pray from others, just as Christ offers this model in the Book of Matthew for us as a guide.

 

I wish you blessings in your prayer life, as well as in your daily comings and goings.  I need a lot of work in my prayer, namely in not skipping the opportunity to sit down and give God that special, undivided attention.  When I take that time, my whole day feels the positive effects, I offer more "little prayers" and I feel the guidance from the Holy Spirit more strongly.

 

We all need to be attentive to this.  Why not start now?  

 

 

Forgiveness: Doing the Impossible

Forgive.  Better yet, forgive and forget.  Finite, easy, quick, painless.  HA!

As a kid, did I ever have a need to forgive anyone?  Kids have resilience in the "you hurt me" department.  When we, as children, experienced someone omitting us from an invitation list or saying something hurtful or ignoring us, most of us picked up and moved on to other fish in the sea of friends.  Or we chose to hang in there, face the rejection and pain when our self-esteem took a hit, and stick with the perpetrator of the hurt.  I don't believe we ever really consider forgiveness in our limited experience of life as children.

We enter adult life to a different phase of relationships and to greater responsibility.  Most adult relationships build on themselves and provide stability while the rigors of life put us through the paces.  We learn to really depend on friends and family when the weight of the world falls on our shoulders.  Real-life responsibility brings that need for support from some network or another, the need to connect in meaningful ways with other humans.

Enter the need for forgiveness.  Life happens, calendar dates fly by and we forget, we don't bother, we feel too tired or we just don't.  A friend or sibling utters a thoughtless comment or makes a joke about something that doesn't feel funny and we hurt.  All of us need to forgive these socially-driven let-downs.  We don't even have to confront anyone, we usually can drop it and continue forward.

Easy hurts feel easy to forgive.  Dealing with repeat offenders makes forgiveness more of an effort, still, surface hurts slip past us in a swifter-flowing stream without pulling us under.  No struggle usually occurs.  Life goes on as usual.

The "Hard to Forgive" experiences cause us to trip and leave us sprawled on the floor, face-down, not wanting to get up to handle the situation.  Pushes, shoves, traps, evil against us, hateful words and deeds --  these require hard forgiveness involving the deep-meaning pieces of our lives, such as marriage relationships, relatives, long-held friendships, careers, crime and money.

When someone hurts us in one of these core areas of our lives -- the parts that stretch deep and long, that cover the most space in our hearts, minds and souls and will cause us to struggle if we lose our strength and focus -- we often harbor the hurt.  We humans tend to our wounds, care for them and nurse them.  The wounds need to heal, but when it comes to feelings, caring so tenderly nurtures the hurt. Tending means focusing.  Focusing means looking intently at the painful instance and reviewing it often.  Heal?  Think about it ... HOW?

Flesh wounds require careful handling and focused care because our bodies heal naturally when we protect them from the elements (this is a God-provided function), or may have help by medical means (also God-provided).  The emotional, spiritual and mental hurts need a firmer grip and a Greater Guide whom we often forget to seek first.  Those hurts must endure the elements, for if we shelter them, we'll never leave our homes or our rooms or our beds.  We need command and a plan to guide the healing in the right direction, not just wait for nature to take its course.  Human nature will fail to heal properly and safely.  Human nature will take the easy route.  Human nature will not forgive. Human  nature will feed its need to react and retaliate.

When we have a deep hurt (abuse, betrayal, slander, unjust death, robbery, mismanagement of funds, broken vows, lies) nothing feels better than to coddle ourselves, to appeal for sympathy.  Even better, find empathy. Find a buddy who suffers the same way and commiserate.
While you drown, look for another struggling swimmer?
As you face financial ruin, go to someone filing for bankruptcy?
While your marriage faces failure, look for someone else in a troubled marriage?
When you've suffered wrong at a person's hands, lean on someone else who suffers the same way?
Of course not!  Yet, we people do this.  We do not know how to heal.  We do know how to pity ourselves and to drum up supporters and continue marching while carrying a banner announcing our suffering.

When we choose silly, misguided solutions like those above -- and we do choose them --  we gain momentum with the hurt, find more turmoil and less peace.  We relive the pain and it compounds.  When we replay the embarrassing situation or the heart-breaking betrayal, we give pride the edge and pride wants vindication at the very least.  Pride provides a constantly reopened wound.  At every memory or trigger of the hurt, the wound grows more painful and greater in size as it begins to consume the mind, heart and soul of the bearer.

On the other hand, who wants to pick up and work to move on as if the hurt didn't happen?  Who can do that?  Impossible you say.  I'm not forgiving that person.  Ever.  She doesn't deserve it.  He hurt me so badly I can never get past it.  I can't forgive.  I can't.  I won't.

God can.  When we ask forgiveness of God, he gives it.  We don't deserve it,  yet He wipes the slate clean and does not revisit our wrong-doing.  He gets past it.  He lets us start again.  He does not look at us with a grim expression and knowing nod, waiting for the sequel.  Through Jesus Christ, God opened a very easy path to forgiveness, directly to Him -- no priestly intervention necessary, no saints can pave the way.  We ask for forgiveness, and he gives it.  Humans can give it, too, with God's help.  We take a lot longer to figure it out and to mean it because we fall so short of God's glory, but we can do it when we try.  Our human self will continue to flounder in its own devices, but by taking a faith-directed path, we will forgive and we will have healing.

The only way to heal is to forgive.  The way to forgive is to pray and ask God to forgive our harboring of the hurt, and mishandling of the aftermath.  We need to ask for his guidance, for direction through the difficulty, and we need to tell him that we forgive what feels like an unforgivable thing and we need to tell him we forgive the person who sits in the penalty box in our minds, in a permanent time-out if we're left to our own devices.

We won't find the ability to move on if we keep the hurt visible and reviewable and unforgiven.  If you smash your toe into an anvil in the middle of the floor, give it a dirty look, and step over it, the anvil will remain on the floor for you to stumble over again.  Even when the brain remembers to dodge it or leap over it, the anvil will remain in sight.  You will never stop seeing it every day when you pass that place.  You will begin to describe it to confidants like a fish story, bigger than reality, embellished to improve your stature in the story and to degrade and demean that anvil at all costs.  The anvil doesn't stand a chance when described in the colors you choose to paint it.  And more than likely, you are wrong about the anvil in many ways, but you see only its hurtful ways and negative attributes.  You remember pain.

The truth us, you have to remove it from standing in the middle of the path.  God has ways of doing this for us, through our prayer and study of the Bible.  God may place another person in our path -- someone who has conquered the same demon but has cast it aside.  Someone who has faith and ability to see your situation in reality and will offer truth and light for the right outcome, not the convenient one.  Someone who will not join you in your misery or link with you inappropriately and become your daily guide.  Someone who will not tempt you to cause further damage or to engage in wrong behaviors.

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. – Ephesians 4:32

Forgiving makes the difference.  Asking it of God for our part (holding on to hurt, or being part of the hurt in some way, such as in friendship/family/marital/money/moral struggles), and offering it to the person(s) who caused such pain.  This time, practice helps.  We may not feel forgiveness in our hearts for whomever hurt us, we need to practice it, and sometimes practice it daily.  God will direct our hearts to the right place if we let Him in to do it.  While we dig in our heels and try to avoid the pain of facing and letting go of the hurt, God will work through us to find new roads around the painful spots.  When we ask, he will redirect.  When we come to Him in sadness, he will filter in joy.  We have to believe and to continue focusing on Him, and he will meet us full-on right where we need it.

Comforting our hurting self feels good, and removing the hurt feels like we have betrayed ourselves, at first.  Offering forgiveness to someone who has done something unspeakable, unbelievable, seemingly impossible by our own standards, seems impossible to do.  However, when we let God intervene in our thoughts, He softens our hearts, too.  We can begin to see the person who hurt us through God's  eyes, and we have to keep looking at the person in that way, because our human heart, out of practice in giving grace and forgiveness, will want to curl up and shelter itself.  Keep at it.  Don't quit!  When you fall off the path (and you will), get back on it and ask forgiveness again, for the giving up.

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. – Colossians 3:13

One day, you will wonder where the painful feelings went, and you will feel surprised at how little help your mind needs to stay away from those hurtful times.  You may find you offer that forgiveness daily, or that you do so only here and there because the wounds don't ache anymore.

With God's strength and grace, his guidance and powerful love,  you will feel the transforming power of forgiveness.

Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. – Luke 6:37



P.S.  Are there secrets to forgiving?  My only "secret" is to pray for the enemy, the one whom I need to forgive.  I pray for God to draw the person near, to give grace and mercy, and to fill the person's life with joy -- and let it be crystal clear that God is the giver of it.

Listen/watch the video below for a forgiveness lift.  The best line?  "The prisoner that it really frees is YOU."  True.

"Forgiveness" by Matthew West

Respect Is Not Culturally Normal

". . . and the wife must respect her husband." ~~Ephesians 5:33 

Really.  No, really.  This falls under the heading of "Must".  Must do, must have, must work at it, must get better at it, must practice, must model, must learn, must achieve, must attempt with gusto, must provide evidence of, and sometimes, more than sometimes, must force ourselves to do it before our human self ruins the moment . . . or the marriage.

Those who know their Bibles inside and out often miss this command or overlook it in deference to the overall command of "love" that permeates the rest of God's Word.  I missed this command for years and now that my husband and I have escaped the whirling winds of the Tornado of Failure that swept us up and held us for too long, I can see with amazing clarity and color -- similar to the effect of Dorothy landing in Oz, with bright color almost blinding in comparison to the dull, lifeless tones of black and white -- how very real the disrespect in society is and how it functions as a living, breathing terror in the lives of just about everyone on the planet. And they don't even know it.

What is respect?

I take no stock in Wikipedia on a regular day, but I do appreciate the complexity of its definition here:

re·spect/riˈspekt/

Noun:	A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
Verb:	Admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
Synonyms:	noun.  regard - esteem - reverence - deference - consideration verb.  honour - honor - esteem - regard - venerate - revere

Wives need to think about this, memorize the words, recall their dating days with Dear Husband when you said and did things that brought life to the words, and start afresh in bringing them to life right now.  No cause for pause, ladies.  Your life will change and so will his.  Everyone wins.  You, him, your kids, your friends, your extended families and soon, others you will share this vital information with because you can't believe the difference a legitimate, purposeful use of "think before you speak" can provide.  The joy you find in offering respect to the man who thrives on it will change the way you think, feel and act.  You will mirror Christ through it.  You will delight in it.  And you will have to work at it.

Yes, I wrote it.  You will have to make an effort and it will not be easy.

Culture Defines Us Today, but Should It?  We Need to Be Peculiar!

Titus 2:14 tells us,
"... Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works."
God wants us to be different.  He asked the Israelites to make themselves different from other races, to dress, act, eat, worship and live differently, to set themselves apart from unbelievers, to be God's chosen people and look like it.  And, as Christians, we should follow along the path to peculiarity.  Believe me, acting and speaking respectfully to your husband will plunge you right into the peculiarity pool.

Culturally, we have climbed to the top of the sliding board and plummeted to the ground, in my opinion.  The Women's Liberation movement of the 1960's (in revolt against the June Cleaver image of the 1950's) began a defiance against authority.  It helped throw a tarp over Biblical teaching, covering it with the labels "archaic," "old-fashioned," and "obsolete."  Women picked up the mantle of "Equality" and began demanding equal rights.  They poured vinegar all over society, acted out in dramatic, rude and unladylike fashion, all in the name of gaining an equal foothold with men.

Biblically, that's wrong.  Ephesians 5:22-24 instructs us,
"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."

How do we dispute this in daily living?  Please don't think of the husbands who speak and/or act abusively, or who use the Bible as shackles and chains on women to keep them in a wrong place of slavery or demeaning status -- not Biblical.  We're talking about sane people, trying to do right, trying to live with godly purpose, as well as about unbelievers who can see The Light and follow it with us.  The  verse about respect follows this just 9 verses after the above.  It's part and parcel.  We can't pretend we didn't see it.  Submit.  Respect.  Respect and submit.  Submit respectfully.  Respectfully submit.  Respect with submission.  Submit with respect.  No matter how you say it, it brings honor to God -- and to your husband.

Television ushered in "The Cosby Show" among others -- "Roseanne", "Married, with Children," and other horror stories depicting men as the dolts or demons of the household.  Women took the helm and ruled with iron fists in the name of humor and entertainment.  Men reduced to Neanderthal status with brains tuned in to nothing important, uttering funny phrases and laughable deflation of their egos at the hands of "strong" women.

"Strong" = BULLYING  here.  

The media streaming into our homes floated in disrespect for men at varying levels, along with the giggles and laughter.  If  we laugh at something, does that mean we condone it?  Those around us often believe it to be so.

And many of us take it, hook, line and sinker.  Disrespectfulness flows more mightily than anyone in the past decades would believe.  Think of the people rolling in their graves at this ... this modern society.

We need to reel it in and bait those hooks with respect.

It's Make or Break.  Seriously.

Obviously, I did not discover this respect thing.  God gave it to us.  It's in black and white and in many languages.  It's there once, and it's blatant, no flowery language, no hidden meaning.  Through reading and searching books, blogs, and those around me, I discovered its power -- because God put it where I needed it, and probably tried nicely handing it to me more often than I know.  I, fully clothed in the self-righteousness only a woman can wear, flew at my struggling husband without seeing him for what he really was, without recognizing his strengths, without noticing that he's as sweet and innocent as our son who exudes his dad's every innocent chromosome on a daily basis.  My men share a sense of humor, blond hair, and a deep need to feel esteemed by the woman in their lives:  me.

With great clarity, my eyes saw only condemnation through his words and actions.  Uncaring, distant, and selfish.  That was my husband.  And he was.  He was because I couldn't see the forest for the trees.  I saw the parts that Satan put out there, like the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  What about everything else?  All the other trees that would provide for me and keep me safe, healthy and following the right path?   I saw only the parts my own selfishness wanted to see, magnified, multiplied and out of proportion.  I was horrible, self-righteous and lost.  I topped it off with lots of Christian music, church attendance, work in ministry, and volunteer work.  I looked great in the eyes of those around me -- everyone except for my husband, the one whom I vowed to honor, cherish and love all the days of my life.  I was a facade.

You may have done, or are doing what I did.  Do you find yourself filling your life with your kids, with volunteering, or with working more and more?  Do you find yourself complaining to other wives about your husband and his long list of short-comings?  Do you find yourself cheering inwardly at the agreeing nods and reciprocal stories of other women that do nothing but justify your negative feelings?  Do you find yourself following up words with your husband with thought attachments such as, " ... you  idiot!" or, "I might as well do it myself."

You need to stop, and stop now.  Grab your Bible and read that chapter of Ephesians.  Read it again.  Memorize it if you can.  Write it where you will see it and remember it.  Make a poster out of it.  Continuing on the path of disrespectfulness will lead to destruction.  You will find yourself living only with a roommate, or a housemate, or maybe even alone.  Living as a disrespectful wife will not produce fruit.  It does not glorify or honor God.  It does not hold true to the vows you made on your wedding dat.  It does not align with what your husband saw in you when you dated or while you were engaged.

If you live with disrespectful attitudes and ways, you are living in the world.  Sinning willfully, even.  You are not peculiar, you are just like too many others.  Dare to be different and when you do, you will find the husband you thought you lost, and maybe more.   He will act differently toward you -- though it may take time.  My husband took months to begin trusting me to handle his heart again.  But even early on, I found eye contact with him again.  I had forgotten how blue his eyes were.

You can start right now by asking forgiveness of God.  When you can, now or at some point in the future, ask forgiveness of your husband.  If you can't see your shortcomings in this, ask God to show you and be prepared when he does.  Ask that he remove your pride from the mix, that he mold your heart, renew your mind, and guide your spirit to his glory.  Ask that he open the eyes of your husband's heart, which may be sealed shut to you after a long time of suffering at your hands.  Begin measuring your thoughts, words and actions.  Let out only:
"... whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)

Don't hesitate.  It will feel foreign at first, and many times it's a hard path to take as you relearn how to be a decent, respectful wife.

As you go, don't forget to let your light shine.  You will most certainly see results when you do.  This will be God's doing, not yours.  Listen intently.  Be still, and know that He is God.