Real Marriage Done Right: Respect and Love

You want a good great marriage.  As a wife, you want to feel loved, honored and cherished.  You have a short list of attributes you assign to what loving actions mean most to you.  You have hinted, suggested, insisted, tried to persuade and possibly, in a heated moment, demanded several of them.  Sometimes, you feel at wits' end to communicate your needs to the man you love.

You do love him.

You do all the things you think will express that love best.  You keep his interest in mind and don't complain when he pursues them, though sometimes you wish he would pursue them less and you more.   Each time you give him his space, he seems to require more of it.

No longer newly wed, you may have unmet expectations.  You had a few years of near bliss when real life began to trickle in -- or it slammed in with the force of a tidal wave, and you felt unprepared for handling it.  No one told you this could or would happen!  You look at married friends, or at couples you see on the street and compare happiness with them, even though you don't know the first thing about their relationship -- their real relationship, aside from what you see or hear.  You suppose and assume and create perfection in others that doesn't exist, and then measure your own marriage against it.  You fail yours and pass theirs in your mind.

You can bet your bottom dollar your husband feels similarly. He may feel this even more than you do, and perhaps has had these feelings for a longer period of time.  He just hasn't said a word.

In my own first years of marriage, I did not consult the Bible at all, and the churches I attended did not offer any instruction.  I held the, "You repeat your vows, you kiss and show yourself as a couple united under the blessing of God, he carries you over the threshold and you live life together happily ever after", more or less.  Angels sing at random, too.  Bliss.  HA!  I had absolutely no concept of conflict, though it arrived in spades very soon ... over toothpaste tubes, over whether to pass a car on the thruway or not ... as soon as we let down our guards, as soon as we grew comfortable and as soon as we gave in to our real selves in our attitudes and actions.  Struggle, grasp at straws, worry, spat, struggle some more.  Because we don't have a clue what we're doing.

Yes, you want a good marriage.  A great marriage.  But how do you get there?  **Who teaches you?  Well, the Bible does, for starters, and always has.  God designed marriage for Adam and Eve (Genesis 2:18-24) and henceforth, all men and women.  Cultural changes brought by government or unchecked behavior brought changed social attitudes, but God's plan never changed.  It will never change.  Our culture has taken away the leadership role of men within marriage and family and culture and made it normal, acceptable and unquestioned in social circles.  It's high time we women take it back and help to put it where it belongs.  Our husbands need it.  Our marriages won't thrive without it.  Our children will repeat the frightening process, unless we work to stop it.  Unless we spread not only The Word, but the example.

Do Real Marriage, and do it right.  Get moving right now, no waiting.  The entire marriage covenant, no matter your city, country or continent, relies on a central marriage wheel:  a cycle of Respect and Love (for a great understanding of this, please read Love & Respect, Eggerichs).

Using Ephesians 5: 21-33 as a guide, any married person can find the link to successfully navigating the marriage path.  The passage reads:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing^[a] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

First off, don't hang up on the word "submit".  It does not mean what our current cultural mind-set would have you believe (slave, mindless, spineless, unworthy, weak, subservient).  It means mutual recognition of the relevance of the each other; putting the best interest of the other first.  To have the care and nurturing of your spouse in the forefront of your thought, putting him first in your life (after God), and focusing on his needs, and he, likewise, should view you in this way (vs. 21-24).  He may not, right now, but your focus rests on him as you begin this journey ... and ever afterward.

A husband should hold his wife in the esteem that Christ holds the church (vs. 25-30) -- keeping care of her, protecting her, giving his life for her.  This does not mean a doting husband or a pushover, nor a gutless wonder, or a martyr.  This means a strong, striving-to-be-godly man (whom you may not see on your horizon right now, but keep reading).

You marry -- he separates from his parents and becomes one with you; body, mind, spirit and emotion (vs. 31). These aspects take work, communication, trust, admiration, some pitfalls and struggles, but always forgiveness and understanding to pick up and keep going.

The last verse cuts to the chase, in effect.  In it, Paul (the writer, the apostle, the man who moved from killing Christians to planting and maintaining Christian churches, and who died for his faith) summarizes the whole thing for us by letting the husband know that his job lies in loving his wife as he loves himself; that the wife's job means respecting her husband.  Short and sweet, but the hardest tasks for each of the sexes!  God's plan in action.

These things don't come naturally for husbands and wives.  Men live by nature in a world made up of masculine codes of honor and respect.  Guys just know.  They know how much to say to each other, when to say it, and when to zip their lips (drama-free version).  Certain things will just never come up or happen between them, which they understand.  Manly "givens".  Women do not get this.  Why don't they talk it out and enjoy closure?  We do not come wired with that kind of understanding or view of the world.  Women, conversely, live by the heart, showing and sharing emotion continually, as naturally as breathing.  Women may share experiences and moments of high emotion in minute detail and other women understand.  No explanation necessary as a female.  You laugh, you cry, you feel anger, you worry, you rejoice, you feel sorrow ... and the women around you support you, or help you along the way without you asking.  The support simply comes.  Men don't get this.  No one asks, so you refrain from meddling, as men know to do.

Husbands, love your wives.  Wives, respect your husbands.

Being that I focus on wives' roles and continue to follow the path of respecting my husband in all ways (and sometimes failing), I can tell you, without a doubt, that the day I began showing this man respect, both quietly and overtly, he perked up and started showing love.

It felt like putting a quarter in a candy machine ... that automatic.  And, after spending a long, long time in difficulty and misunderstanding, that outcome fell like rain on parched ground.  I soaked it in and felt compelled and happy to do and say and experience more.  I happily hopped onto the Respect and Love Wheel and focused on keeping it going around.  The cycle runs very smoothly, offering relief, hope, and the respect and love we both crave.  Sometimes, I miss the mark, suffer a set-back, trip on a moment that finds me apologizing and rebuilding -- such as misreading my husband's reactions and acting without checking to see that we're on the same page.  By far, this process beats doing the misreading, receiving a negative reaction and then either stomping off in a huff, ignoring the reaction or trying to discuss why the reaction wasn't valid and that he didn't understand me, and please let me explain.  That, my friend, is the wheel of failure.  It never rolls smoothly, and keeps repeating the same negative cycle on the same bumpy track.

Some things you, as a wife, can do to get that Respect and Love Wheel rolling:

• pray -- prayers of guidance, thanks, need, praise ... for every step you take in this
• compliment him on a success or about something you like or that is unique about him
• praise him for work he has accomplished
• thank him for helping you, for providing for you, for being a good father, for odd-jobs
• pat his arm or wrap an arm around his waist in passing
• hug him for no reason at all -- and when he asks, you can tell him that, or give him a reason that feels natural to you
• think of the good points of the man, focus, focus, focus!
• when negatives enter your mind, refuse to entertain them -- invite the positives to take their place
• leave him a note in a place he will see easily; write something thoughtful or insightful about him
• let him know the moment you appreciate or really enjoy something he is/does or represents -- don't wait until later, he will soak it in more completely when it's fresh in his mind
• forgive the faults, overlook them, love the man you remember falling in love with ... you're drawing him out again
• when he makes a loving gesture, react well, and let him know you liked it
• pray some more

I have talked with many women who have found that the man they fell in love with still resides inside the downhearted, downtrodden, cranky, unloving, seemingly uncaring, and/or fallen from faith shell of a person who thumps around the house looking ill at ease ... whom they feel did not deserve respect just by the looks of him.

Here's a bit of news:  you probably don't deserve love, either, if we're going to measure it like that.  Did you ever consider that?  Chances are, you are no picnic to live with (there are exceptions, I am not one of them!), and you have lacked respect for such a long time it may take a while to get a really good reaction.  Do not give up, do not despair.  Find direction in prayer and in reading the Bible, reviewing this Ephesians portion often. 

The important point of the matter is this.  Someone has to take a stand and make a start.  Offering the respect your husband needs to feel wanted, needed and, well ... loved ... is not too much for you to do.  Start with a baby step or a giant leap -- you decide.  When you meet a rough spot, just please, please don't make the mistake of saying something like, "You know, I've been acting respectfully, telling you what you want to hear and trying to make you feel needed and I get THIS?"

You can feel the "fake" ringing loud and clear in a sentence like that and so will he.  Pray yourself into action.  Feel the small respectful items you offer grow larger as you re-see him.  Feel the loving feelings return, grow and multiply.

I'm excited for you to get going!  Hurry!  And smile, lady, SMILE!  You're on the right track!

**Married folk can find hundreds of bloggers out there in the ether, determined to share their experiences  to assist others with ravaged relationships.  Several of those blogs share space on my right-hand sidebar (over there ... -->  -->  pointing ... ).  These lovely, God-empowered people have found the Truth, engaged the Truth, and put the Truth to work in their relationships.  Some started out one-sided with God's prodding, others began as a healing from adultery or other infidelity, still others have always existed - through all the seasons of life so far.  Each one of them shares instruction and example, as well as encouragement and praise for those who take the first step.

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Back to Reality

Well, it's back to reality again.  Every New Year, come January 2 or 3rd, I feel forced into it.  The kids return to school, my husband returns to work; all of them reluctantly.  I send them off, equally reluctantly.  I hate to see them go after a marvelous week of down time an freedom from schedules

If I had it my way, we would spend several more weeks in "week between Christmas and the New Year" mode.  We would wear pajamas endlessly, unless we feel like putting on jeans and a sweatshirt, or maybe put on some new Christmas duds and have nowhere we have to go and do nothing we have to do.

We would keep eating leftover appetizers, soup, and Christmas cookies, and not mind what the clock says about mealtimes.  We would keep playing games and reading books.  We would surf the Internet for nothing in particular but to read and see what we see -- no gift to buy, no gatherings to plan.  We would sit inside our cozy home and look out at the gorgeous, snow-covered landscape, and choose to go out into it, on a whim.  We would drink more hot chocolate and have some more cookies.

And, by the time reality hit, we would each weigh close to 400 pounds, have no energy and begin to bicker ... oh, don't sugar-coat it -- we would fight!  Life isn't meant to be watched from the sidelines in pajamas and with plates of sweets on our laps.  We aren't supposed to spend all our time playing and looking out for our own enjoyment and comfort.

We start the New Year with hope, always.  We might not say it, but we feel it.  My children have not experienced enough life to know it, but they return to school with hope, too.  Hope that they will develop some new friendships and find peace with the kids who often don't act very peaceful.  They hope Mom and Dad will show compassion and mercy when they need it,  and allow them to make mistakes and be kids.  They hope for more time to enjoy the electronics they received two weeks ago, without more guidelines and limits. 

We all have hope for life to play out smoothly; without strife, illness, economic woes, relationship difficulties, selfishness (on the part of others), hardship of any kind, or pressure and stress. 

We all have hope for a life that does not meet reality.

This world will never provide us with a satisfactory end result of those hopes.  We need to work to keep the cash flowing, to keep the heat and electricity running, to keep food on the table, to keep clothes on our backs and roofs over our heads.  We need to work to have something to achieve that makes a difference to someone else, aside from our families and selves.  We need to work to serve others, before ourselves.  We need to work to carry on with God's plan for our lives, and continue to work to learn what that entails.  We need to work to make our hearts right -- to fill them with love, kindness, patience, charity, self-control, peace, joy, faith, and gentleness -- all the things that, if acted out in reality, would allow for the hoped-for, for the essence of character every man has within him if he would relinquish control.

And that, my friend, is the issue.  Reality takes away our control.  Humans avoid it as often and for as long as possible, but it keeps popping up to ruin the fun.  It won't stop barging into the party at the wrong time or backing into a room unannounced and unwanted.  We have to deal with it, rather than try to cover it up or hide it behind glitter and streamers.  We have to live this life and make the best of it.  When we fill our hearts with those good things we will find more good things.

Let's do it.

Do Something Extreme

Those who read or write for enjoyment, as a profession, or for information/education, know the power of words.  Words can hurt or heal, praise or condemn, build up or tear down, and can change the course of a conversation with just one syllable or slight pause.

In our relationships as men and women, prior to marriage, words begin their journey as a mere testing of the waters.  We dip in a toe and find a nice temperature, so we enter a little more and keep easing in, finally fully engulfed in comfortable waters of easy conversation.  Whew!  We continue on, offering unbiased remarks, well-meaning encouragement, zesty compliments, carefully-chosen opinions, and tasteful admiration, and we add a generous coating of utmost sensitivity and care before allowing the words out of our mouths.  We choose carefully how we say everything, as we nestle inside a bubble of wonder, excitement and very little reality with the object of our affection.  He is perfect and he thinks I am perfect.  Perfect!  Everything feels perfect.   

Then, we get married.

The bubble floats along for a while, maybe for a few years, stretching thinner and becoming  more fragile, and then, "POP!"  What was that?  Did you hear it?  Did you see something?  No one seems to notice. Must be nothing.

In the blink of an eye, all of those carefully-crafted words and phrases and long essays filled with love language burst and scatter, leaving memories and some still-useful fragments.  But, in flows the suffocating, somewhat toxic air of real life.  You probably felt a few surges previous before the sudden drop in bubble pressure, as if you had just receive a small electric shock that you brush away and ignore.  But you did feel them.  They were the prickling of reality.  Warning signs of what will come.  And it will.  No marriage avoids it; it's how you handle the reality that matters.  The divorce rate shows that most of us don't handle it well at all, and then go on to repeat it with a new person.  No matter how you try to tell him he's not the same person you married, the real person existed before, you simply couldn't see him, enveloped in the bubble of infatuated perfection.  It's not love that incurs blindness, but infatuation that covers our eyes.  Real life opens them.  What a shock!

Let the skirmishing begin!  The words we use begin to have pointed edges, poking, slashing and sometimes cutting deeply.  Maybe you have a tug-of-war going, trying to drag and yank your husband to your side while he pulls mightily on his end of the rope, both of you fighting for peace, but on your own terms.   Maybe you have a Cold War, or maybe your battle feels completely one-sided.

One thing you may never have considered makes a tremendous roadblock to improvement and victory for both of you:  If you do not show respect to the man you married, you will never find peace  (Ephesians 5:33 -- ... wives must respect their husbands.)  You used to respect him solely for what you saw in him that engaged you in the first place.  In his mind, feeling respected flips the switch to letting loving attitudes and actions flow toward you.  Without respect, his ability to show love will continue to dwindle and may fade completely.

Now, rather than the attentive, interested man you used to know, you see a sullen, computer-staring, remote control-wielding human being.  The more you think about what he doesn't do, the more irritated you grow.  He might go to work all day and take on large projects or make lots of sales or amaze co-workers with his abilities, but when he arrives across the threshold of your home he ...

• makes you wonder what is the matter with him
• doesn't seem to want to bother when you ask him to participate in life with you 
• acts detached or distant
• offers conversation to other people but not to you  
• holes up in another room each evening, or in the same room, but it seems a planet away
• acts cranky, unkind, selfish, disinterested, angry, thoughtless, or cruel 

Meanwhile, you:

• feel lonely even when he sits in the same room with you
• have nothing to discuss with him, as if you have no ideas to captivate his attention
• feel sullen, too, and blame him for it
• wonder if anyone else feels like this

Do something extreme.  Compliment him.  Thank him.  Focus on the positives.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  ~~I Corinthians 13: 4-7 

Don't get me wrong, I do not suggest that anyone make up lies or twist reality to try to change the tide of a troubled marriage.  No way.  That's not right, it's not Biblical.  It's a lie.  Find something ... anything to say that shines a good light on him.  Notice his clothing choice, his hair, the color of his eyes, the way he talks to the kids.  Give a compliment about how hard he works, about his good care of the house or lawn or his vehicle.  If he didn't flip through the channels last night while you watched television, thank him!  Think, carefully consider the words and voice them.  To him, of course.  In the beginning, depending on how mired you are in negative thoughts and poor communication with your spouse, the task of offering compliments to him may overwhelm you.  It may feel like an impossibility for you.  You are stronger than that negative thought.  Do. It.  Keep at it, every day.  Do not stop.  Think, rephrase, repeat if necessary, but give him something to go on every day.  

While infatuation is blind, wives who feel distraught, overtaxed, unloved, ignored and disinterested have vision that targets the worst in their husbands.  Stop looking at those things.  Vamoose, bad thoughts!  Negative views, be gone.  COMPLIMENT THE MAN.

Husbands thrive on acceptance from their wives, as noted in Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' Love & Respect, and from the respect derived from those feelings of acceptance.  That means we must stop judging our husbands and stop believing we have some sort of wisdom greater than theirs.  God created us to complement each other (different spelling -- this word means "to complete, to make whole, to bring to perfection"), not to judge, condemn and deride one another. We are different from our husbands in many ways, all of which have a good purpose.  When we wives assume an authoritarian role at home, making cutting comments, rolling our eyes, masking impatience with a sigh, and the hundreds of other hints that we don't feel satisfied with the current situation, men read that as, "She does not respect me."  

Enter the silent evenings, the blank expressions, the uncaring attitudes and the cranky, irritable personalities.  When a husband feels the disrespect, he will not feel loving, and then the circle (or, Crazy Cycle, according to Dr. Eggerichs) begins.  You know the feeling -- the arguments that lead nowhere, the frustration, the pounding heartbeat, the agony of him not hearing or understanding you.  And it settles down only to start again when he feels snubbed and you feel abandoned.

A few friends of mine have trekked through the desperate days of marriage, ready to file for divorce and move on with life.  They didn't think anything could change their feelings, which were far from loving.  One friend curtly offered she didn't even like her husband, and love was out of the question.  This week, I heard from each of these ladies, relievedly noting that things are looking up, that they feel a difference in their marriages, that they have had loving feelings return and new energy for continuing to work at it.  Through their prayers and through decisions to act on those prayers, they now experience healing when they doubted anything good would happen at all.  Thank you, God.  Your ways are better than ours -- our human instincts fail, and your truths work.  Why don't we realize this in everything?  Wives ... respects your husbands.

Compliment that man.  Make the compliment an important part of your day.  Tell him face to face, leave him a note on the mirror or on the monitor, send a text or e-mail, or find a creative way to offer it.  Make it meaningful to you and to him.  Keep practicing it every day.  Thank him for something he did that you realize you took for granted.  For taking out the trash.  For picking up his socks.  For picking up a child at school.  For going to work every day.  For helping you get dinner on the table.  Think small.  The bigger things will come later.

And share your results.  Share with someone else who feels desperate, unhappy, not sure of which way to turn in her marriage.  And, if you feel you can, post a comment here -- you can comment anonymously -- and share your experience.

Looking forward to it!