Are You a Marriage Pilgrim or Fugitive?

In 1620, the Pilgrims arrived in Plymouth, Massachusetts, their chosen location for a new way of life and freedom to worship God as they chose.  They had a destination in mind, and they put all their effort and thought toward that one pinpoint on the map.  When they sailed in sight of land, the collective "Hurrah!" from the travel-weary passengers must have rung throughout the heavens.

Pilgrims.  Destination known.

In 73 B.C., Spartacus led an uprising of slaves against the Roman Empire and fled as a fugitive from the Romans for two years.  Not wanting to suffer at the hands of the Romans, known for harsh prison conditions, torture and getting their prey as close to death as possible without going over the line, Spartacus took the role of fugitive.  Never safe for long.  No end to running in any direction that appeared safe.

Fugitives.  Destination unknown.  

In your marriage, which role do you play? Do you have a destination in mind that will make marriage more satisfying and allow for you and your spouse to grow together and build intimacy? Do you act as a fugitive and run at the slightest sign of discomfort or danger to yourself?


Stay and Work or Run and Hide?

Anyone out there not wanting to take the pilgrim route?  Planning, instructions, learning, praying, and a definite direction take the important roles in moving toward a solid, healthy marriage.  When you follow the plan you find yourself putting forth a lot of energy and time, but when you do, you find yourself reaping rewards at various intervals, and you can feel and see yourself and your husband moving closer to the goal.  You not only get a glimpse of a healthy and happy relationship, you begin to feel it, to know that it will last, and to feel fulfilled in your marriage.

Yet, how many times do we run and/or hide?  Maybe you run at the merest suggestion of conflict.  Perhaps you hide from the truth about yourself or about what your marriage really looks like on the inside.  You may run to what looks like a safe haven when you aren't on good footing in your marriage, and find yourself in deeper trouble and then set out to run from that.  The fugitive style of handling marriage promises lots of work for very little return.  You may run for months or years and find yourself farther away from comfort and love.  You can work very hard on your own spur-of-the-moment plans only to find yourself caught by another wave of distrust from a husband who not only can't read your mind, he doesn't understand that women and men are so different.


The Pilgrim Perspective

I say we do the pilgrim thing.  Take the plan (the Bible -- specifically Ephesians 5:21-33) and work toward each known aspect, keeping our focus on respecting our husbands and showing loving kindness in many small ways every day.  The greatest news lies in the fact that our biblical instructions come in a very short list!  Submit (honor, defer to, work closely with) to my  husband and respect him.

These two requirements cover everything, and if followed closely and with great care, they will lead you right where you want to go.  When you have had plenty of practice with respect and submission, you will find you have learned more ways to expand your horizons in marriage in godly ways.  You will learn to thrive as you head toward your destination.  You will no longer wonder, but wait for more and better.  You will, by following His plan and praying through your days, grow closer to God.

You will fail many times.  You will retrace steps or go off the path to check out someone else's travel route.  But, when you resolve to take that pilgrimage to a biblically sound marriage, you will never want for more.


The Fugitive's Route

The fugitive route will get you pretty far -- far from anything solid and safe.  You will beg for scraps from your mate, work furiously on your own agenda and promote your own motives with your actions and reactions.  You will look to people around you for guidance (human frailty) and short-lived successes that will fail in short-term and frustrate you in the long-term.  You will continue looking for more and better answers and keep running hither and yon ... searching.  You will seek and never find.  You will grow tired, you will compare yourself to others, you will feel like quitting.  Your hope for better will dim.  You will turn to friends before turning to your husband.  You may find relief in other relationships.  Your marriage will continue to thin as supply outweighs demand.  You will be a prisoner of your own inability to find peace and solid ground that you can claim as your own in your marriage.


It's Not Ancient History

Marriage is a timeless means of connecting a man and woman in a relationship that can and should last a lifetime.  No matter how many years they have together, a husband and wife will find joy and oneness together when they follow a time-tried route.

Everyone's marriage will differ in scope and sequence, but the basics will show.  Love.  Respect.  Mutual submission.  A help-meet woman alongside her leader husband.  When you meet a couple who lives out their marriage this way, you know it.  They have contentment.  They have trust and honor in their lives.  They don't waver, they don't search outwardly.  They don't envy nor do they boast.

From Adam and Eve to you and your husband, any marriage that has followed The Plan and has looked to the Author of it for guidance has found it.  Those who follow The Plan want to share it with others.  It works.  When taken seriously and lived fully, it never fails.

Get into Ephesians and see how simple the directions appear.  Pray on them.  Resolve to imitate them, to live them, and to not look back at what the world has to offer.  The Bible will never change, while the world will change often and to the detriment of those who follow it.


What have you discovered when you have looked to the world for advice?  
If you have "gone Bible" in your marriage, what was the easiest part?  The hardest? 
How do you present a biblical marriage to someone who wants better?

Why I Like My Husband

Inside jokes between husbands and wives make for some hilarious moments, but my favorite one doesn't make me laugh, it makes me feel richly blessed.  It connects me to my husband in a way that feel unique.  It inspired us twenty-two years ago, and still inspires us today.

Before we married, my husband and I shared "I love you" back and forth the way we express "thank you," now. Often, and for just about everything.  One day, as we shared some quiet time, doing nothing but feeling the rapture of togetherness, I broke the silence with,

He bought me this book for Christmas.  It has all sorts of interesting
"like" reasons in it ... and they hit the spot!

"I like you."

The man I would soon marry turned abruptly toward me and insisted, "Yeah, well, I love you."

I smiled into laughter, which caught him even more off guard.  He thought he had one-upped me!  That laughter led to one of the most interesting discussions we have ever had.  We talked about the difference between "like" and "love" in our relationship.  In a marriage relationship.  And I wanted to impress upon him -- and upon you -- the difference.

The Bible commands us to love one another. this is the brotherly love we share as humans. Friendship quality love.  Phileo, in the Greek. We are to love everyone, and show that love in treating others well.  Obviously, the kind of love we reserve for our spouses differs and it should differ greatly, in Greek it reads "eros", or romantic love, being a much more intimate brand of love, tended with great care.  Marriage is our ultimate relationship, next to God.  It requires more of us than any other relationship, for the lifetime of the couple.

Big.

Then, there's "like."

My like list is long and diverse.  Music - almost all genres.  Cake.  Kayaking.  Knitting.  Travel.  Sunrises.  Snow.  Hardwood floors.  Baking.  Rolling farmland.  Cutting grass.  And so forth and so on, all the way to "my husband."  He's a good egg.

God did not say we have to like everyone.  How can we like what everyone else does, how they act, what they believe, where they spend their time or how they respond to us?  Sometimes we have run-ins with people during which, no matter how hard we try and no matter how well our godly armor fits -- we falter and we fail.  God puts us on the same path as others sometimes, I think, because we need a lesson or two in getting along.  Smooth waters don't teach a person to sail, it's the roughness and storms that bring skill.  So it goes with people.

And so, "I like you," comes as a high compliment.  It goes to a different depth than love, as well as to a different place.  When I experience "like" I know it.  Only my husband has the level of "like" that labels him in my life.  When I bestowed a well-placed like on the man all those years ago, I, in effect, branded him as top of the heap in my box of earthly treasures. 

He hits the spot in my mind, heart and soul.  His idiosyncrasies intrigue me.  His sense of humor still surprises me in its scope and timing.  His Energizer Bunny ability to just keep going causes me to marvel.  He zigs to my zag, and weaves his way through the playground of moods I swing without seeming to mind.  He asks questions about faith, about women, about raising children, about cooking, and about me. He reaches for me in the night.  He doesn't mind if I don't have supper ready.  He can run electrical and plumbing lines whenever or wherever we need them.  He can do math -- the hard stuff.  He can't spell.  He knows I hate to be tickled, but loves how I react to it.  He asks me to do Google searches for him because I'm better at it.  He insists he hates cats but worries about the two we have as pets.  He has a gentle touch.  He doesn't like cream cheese but loves carrot cake (with cream cheese icing).

I like my husband. His list of attributes mean something important to me, complement my own, and make him "the one" for me.

Love runs separately.  It does not depend on likeability.  I could love my husband without his sense of humor.  I could love him even if he minded when my moods run high.  I could love him without his handyman abilities.

I love him by what I do for him.  That's how anyone loves her husband, by serving, by considering his preferences and his needs, and setting herself the goal of meeting them.  Love does.  Love acts.  Love puts itself out there for the good of the other, whereas "like" is relative.  Subjective. 

Get it?  Liking a husband requires a category all to itself.  The like I have for the man I married lies in him ... what he shows me on the surface and deeper than that.  Yet, take away any of those things and love still exists.

Like your husband.  Doing so expands your horizon in how you love him.  Liking him lets you love him better because it gives you more definitive categories with which to work.

What nifty things do you like about your husband?  How do his "like" points help you serve him better?  Love him well?

Communication in Marriage: Keeping Emotions in Check

Growing a marriage without a good communication system is like growing a garden without watering it.  Communication needs to flow freely without holes, breaks or blockages in the line, and without forgetting to do it.  Gardens die from lack of water.  Do you think your marriage can survive a communication drought?  Mine couldn't.  Restoring conversation helps revive all the rest of a dying marriage.  It takes some planning, lots of prayer, and loads of self-control.  You just don't throw garden seeds everywhere and drown them with water.  You prepare and you work carefully, attending the garden every day, in order to enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Communication in marriage is no different.  Let it go, and weeds will choke it, lack of water will scorch and wilt it, and sooner or later, you'll have pretty much nothing to show for what you started.


How Emotions Can Run Rampant in Communication

Emotions hold a place in marriage alongside communication, but they act more like roots in the relationship, running underneath everything we think and experience.   Our emotions depend on abundant communication opportunities to allow growth and to sustain the relationship with a strong system beneath the surface.

Communication covers every aspect of marriage, while emotions support marriage in a more systemic way and shouldn't come to the surface to have a say every time we attend to other matters.  Emotions, like roots, need protection, not fanning out on the surface where they won't do well when stepped on or twisted or cut.  They bruise easily.  Changes in the atmosphere (your marriage, life events, even the weather) affect them.

How can a couple handle emotions when communicating ideas or important matters?  It does take prayer, practice and good timing, but even in a discussion about where to go on a family vacation can go really well with a few choices to compare on a base of facts, pros, cons, and a good AAA Guidebook.  When a spouse has heartstrings attached to one of the choices and really dislikes another choice, allowing those emotions to broadcast freely may bring argument to an otherwise level discussion table.  Curbing those emotions by saying, "Before we get too far in the discussion, I want you to know that water parks scare the daylights out of me and I would worry the whole time about one of the kids getting hurt or lost and I would find it really hard to enjoy the trip," would allow for discussion of those emotions and maybe the couple would rule out that option, allow the husband a chance to calm his wife's fears, or talk it out and come to a conclusion that works for the relationship and family.

Feelings relating to a communication topic can come up for discussion beforehand, during, or even afterward.  What matters is keeping the emotions in check, not letting them take over and go their own way.

Big important point:  having strong emotions in a specific area doesn't mean you automatically win.  It does mean you need to discuss those feelings in order to move farther in your communication development.  It gets easier.  Some people discuss emotions very unemotionally.  Others need help putting a lid on their feelings in order to assess them and talk them out well.

No matter what, sharing those feelings as a couple brings you closer together in intimacy and understanding.  You will both win, even if one of you doesn't get your way every time.

We know a couple in which one spouse has no emotional control and gets her way most of the time and pouts, complains and makes life difficult when she doesn't.  Not a very mature way to behave, but that behavior happens quite a lot.  Maturing in life and marriage means learning to display an emotion with control over it, rather than the emotion controlling the individual -- and trying to control others, too.

Uncontrolled, emotions divert the topic of conversation and become the topic themselves.  Emotion can undermine, we just don't usually see it coming and many of us (raising hand) often react to it with equal emotion.  It's a Catch 22.  Don't let it go there.


We Can't Have Intimacy without Emotion

We need to share our feelings in order to feel understood and accepted.  Respect for the other person's feelings stands as the fence we sit on, and it's my choice and mine alone that allows me to hop down onto his side to listen and understand or to thump down on the other side and throw stones of contention at him in retaliation for having his own feelings.

When emotions barge into the room, they can create confusion and divert the topic of conversation to themselves, leaving the original conversation topic wilting in the corner.  Uncontrolled emotion undermines communication.  Controlled, carefully discussed emotion builds a couple into something stronger.  Without emotion, how would intimacy exist?

Good communication skills keep the emotional roots in place by taking the time -- separate, mutually-agreed-on time -- to understand the feelings within a person in many areas and many time frames.  This takes some patience and understanding, and willingness to listen and accept feelings from the past that may have nothing to do with the marriage, but have everything to do with each individual and his or her emotional strengths and weaknesses.

Is it any wonder that many people say a lifetime isn't long enough?  We married people need to buckle down and get to know each other, right down to the roots.

It's hard to wrap my mind around how diverse husbands and wives really are, and knowing the depths of my husband, alone, it's quite an undertaking to know him well. I know most of him, at least I like to think so, but he digs deep to share feelings from his youth or childhood and surprises me with the depth of those feelings.  We trade memories and observations that link to feelings and we extend our roots deeper still.

The emotions, the deep feelings exist.  As a wife, I need to take the opportunities my husband offers me to listen to his feelings without judgment, without voicing an opinion for any reason, without trying to assist him, without any of me in there at all.  I need to let him share.  When I do my part -- listening -- I grow closer to him, learn about him, and take that knowledge along with me into other conversations.

When we discuss an issue on any subject, I can feel or hear when one of his emotional roots has taken a hit.  I can do this because he has told me how he feels in many situations in life, and how he feels like reacting and why those reactions want to come out.

With each conversation, I learn more.  He does the same for me.  We each have to practice this skill and remember to think, focus, understand, empathize, and allow ourselves to bond with the person sharing, reaching out with our own emotions and creating a deeper intimacy.


Will We Ever Get Emotions Under Control?

We're getting pretty good at it, after many early mistakes that bring back those old feelings of futility and anguish that makes hearts hurt.

We make mistakes.  We have some not-so-proud moments during which someone gets unduly irritated and lets it show without any control whatsoever.

The good part, the reason I know we have changed and have hope for more, is that the other person always says, "Wait a minute.  We aren't doing this."  And the the other says, "You're right."

Admitting that is a huge step all by itself.


Can You Do This Alone?

Yes.  And no.  You need God through all of it, if your husband jumps in with you or not.  The supreme power and grace of the Father will show you the way and give you what you need to keep going.  Praying for your husband's acceptance and softened heart will do wonders, too, even if he joins you in this endeavor.  We can all use more acceptance and softening, I think.

Always keep in the forefront of your mind that you can change only yourself, and you can keep only your own emotions under control.  It happens by refusing to fight, refusing to take the bait, refraining from thinking, "He doesn't bother, why should I?"

The "why should I" sits right here in I Peter 3:1-2 --

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct."

Respectfulness and purity leave no room for snide, rude comments or the silent treatment.  They require self-control, prayerful guidance, loving action, carefully tended thoughts of positive things, and thankfulness for all the small steps toward emotional maturity.

Without emotional maturity, what are we?  Nothing more than tall toddlers.  That's what.



Related Articles:
Bridging the Communication Gap with Your Husband
Disagreement Done Right IS Communication
How to Share Feelings in Your Marriage
How to Talk so He Will Listen, How to Listen so He Will Talk:  Deciphering Husbands
Ladies Before Gentlemen:  Making Marriage Changes
Think Before You ... 
Share Those Feelings ... Ante Up!
Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting
Your Wifely Approval Rating

Seven Marriage DIY Projects

Every marriage looks and feels different, both inside it and for those looking in from the street view.  We don't expect that, really.  As for me, I thought some sort of mold existed, and that my new husband and I would just snuggle right down into each role. Perfect fit, no trimming, no remelting.

We have melted and remolded.  It hurt a lot in some places and felt like a spa treatment (not that I've had one) in others.  Through all the valleys and at the top of every hill or mountain, we have changed.

In marriage, molds don't exist.  Instead, you have to take the DIY -- Do It Yourself -- approach.  You have a manual called the Bible, and you have an instructor we know as God.  He wrote the Book, so he speaks from it and about it with in-depth knowledge and a complete understanding based on experience.

In other words,  He has seen and done it all, and knows everything.  He doesn't practice, for He is perfect.  You can't have a better Contractor (Carpenter, Electrician, Plumber, Mason, and Lanscaper, too -- He does it all) than that.

In our marriage struggles and successes, for better or worse, in sickness and in health and for richer or for poorer, I notice some common projects that have a place in every union.  Yes, no marriage will ever perfectly match another, but every blessed one has some commonalities.

Seven Marriage DIY Projects

7.  Communicating.  Yes, we all talk, but we do not all know how to communicate our wants, needs, desires and reactions effectively.  Emotion must step aside and allow fact to stand as the measure of marital discussion.  Emotion has it's place, but not here in the framework.  Emotion plays an important role, but stands on its own, in a separate place.   I learned that the hard way.

6. Sharing emotions/feelings.  Knowing how each of you feels on a wide array of topics.  Not knowing precedes disappointment, discouragement and resentment, which build walls that shut out numbers 5, 4, 3 and 2.

5. Sex.  Having it often, scheduling it if necessary when life gets busy.  It's near the middle of the list because it's the glue that holds two the pieces of the project together. If you leave it out for long periods of time ... well ... the project will definitely become unstable.  Ask me how I know.

4. Friendship.  Many marriages begin with it, and some end without it.  Friendship needs to remain in to keep the common bonds, the connecting activities, and a general respect for differences each person will always have.

3.  Love.  It's the little things.  The fixtures that make the plumbing useful.  The paint and decor that make the walls beautiful.  The appliances that make the home functional.  The furniture that makes the home comfortable.

2.  Trust.  Trust runs through a marriage continually, like electricity.  Some switches or outlets don't see as much use, but in a pinch, you can count on them.  Trust maintains all the main functions of the build.

1.  Praying.  You can't successfully achieve Marriage without it.  I have tried.  We have tried.  Millions of people continue to try.  Use it well and constantly.  It will help you get where you need to go.

Get with your Contractor today to get started on the project that has been nagging at you for a while.  The interesting aspect of taking on a Marriage DIY project is that by handling one well, you sometimes ... dare I say usually ... work on some of the others along the way.  What better byproduct(s) can you ask for than that?

What kind of DIY plans do you have for your marriage?

Trust: You're Either In or You're Out

Do you trust?  Let's go one more.  Do you trust your husband? Only two answers apply.  Trust has a quirk in that anything aside from "yes" means no.

Maybe?  That leaves room for doubt, moving to "no".

Most of the time?  No, again.

Unless it has to do with money/time management/friends/other women/porn/lust/how he parents/making decisions?  No.


See the pattern?

In marriage, as in life, when it comes to trust you're either in or you're out.  Trust doesn't provide any grey areas.  It's complete, no matter how you look at it, how you'd like to bend it, or which direction you try to spin it.  Trust is absolute.  Yes or no.

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.  ~James 1:12

Ah, marriage.  If marriage isn't living "under trial", I don't know what is.  If you have a husband, you have stood under trials of all kinds since the day you tied the knot.  You have had arguments, both face-to-face and one-sided.  You have disagreed.  You have felt unloved.  You have compared your husband to others.  You have judged.  You have been judged.  You have cried tears of sorrow, shame, frustration and anger.  You may have given birth.  You have felt emotionally outcast.  You have cared for a husband with illness.  You have felt left out.  You have been tempted.  You have smiled when you wanted to cry.  You have parleyed with in-laws.  You have tried and failed.  You have paid bills with short funds, created dinner out of fragments, and made the most out of the least.  You have felt insignificant.  You have felt second to sports on television.  You have experience loneliness in a roomful of people.  You have cried over spilled milk.

You trials may be more than those, and they may be different.  The point remains, married people have some suffering under their belts.  The suffering happens in doses at different times, and we never want it or think we need it.  Sometimes, we just don't like each other very well.  We irritate each other, make the other pay (unintentionally) for a bad day, and simply don't put our best face on for each other at all times ... when we should always!  Having trust in the relationship makes a difference in all these experiences.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.   ~Proverbs 3:5-8

We can always, without any doubt, trust God.  He will never fail us.  Our human marriage partners -- our husbands -- may let us down from time to time, and sometimes for a long time, but God never, NEVER will.  He makes promises and keeps them, because love never fails, and God is love -- the inventor and the master of it.

And so, what do you do if you don't have the trust you know would make the difference in marriage?  

You love.  

You love deeply and always, and with every fiber of your being.  It will be hard, it will break you into pieces sometimes, and it can hurt.  It may not be returned to you in ways you will hope, but it will make the difference to you in your heart, your mind and your spirit.  

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, 

because love covers a multitude of sins. 

~1 Peter 4:8

You can learn to trust, just as you learned to love.  You have to put yourself out there to do it -- you can't go into trust-building half-heartedly, but you can do it one-sided, just as you can do in love.  As trust is all in, so is building it.  You may have a few bricks fall here and there, but you can put them back, firmly seat them and keep working.  Each woman's blueprint will look different.  I can't offer you mine to follow, nor can your best friend give you hers and hope you will find answers you need in your individual situation.  

Trust is not "one size fits all", and neither is the love that we foster in our relationship.  

Examine yourself, examine your daily life and your actions/reactions.  Look closely at how you receive information from the man you married.  Do you wear an expression of distrust?  Change it to a receptive, listening, caring one.  Do you second-guess most of what he says?  Go with the words he says without reframing them in negativity.  Do you put his needs last because of your trust issues?  Put his needs in the first space on your list -- every day.  The only person you can change is you ... those around you will feel the influence of your example, but you have to walk it instead of talk it.  

You can demand change, but you won't get it from the heart.  You can write a contract for change, but a person will find loopholes and alternate routes.  You can orchestrate change, but your husband might like different music and will dance in a different way.  You can pray for change, but sitting back and waiting for it will get you nowhere.

The person you can change = YOU.  Only and ever.  Everyone else will give you fits of frustration because you will have tried to be their own, personal, self-appointed Holy Spirit.  That never works.  From my own experience I affirm that!

Make changes in God's style, and change can happen.  BIG change.  Brace yourself for it!

Those who come from a place of lost trust know how it feels, and it doesn't contain any sweetness.  Whether you have done the damage yourself, or you suffered at the hands of your husband, the rebuilding can happen.  Like love, it takes time, patience and action -- three things most of us don't have when it comes to love and trust ... but the building of it and the power of it makes up for the use of our resources.  Bind time, patience and action with prayer, and you have a package that will deliver.

When you lean on God through trust-building, you also learn to trust in Him more.  He will guide your path, and He will hold you up when you feel you can't take another step.  You aren't in it alone, not for a minute.  But you have to make the connection, and keep it up every day.  

Feeling distrust hurts.  Feeling distrusted hurts.  Do your best to make the changes to help alleviate the pain, knowing that change lies in your hands.  You can't redistribute it, pawn it off, or pass the buck on this and find the peace of trust in your marriage, or in any relationship.  

Get with God and start on that blueprint, then follow it.  This is a construction project you can't afford to miss.

It's the Little Things That Count

Love takes action.

Love moves, supports, understands, tries, helps, considers, whispers, touches, praises, lifts, surprises, celebrates, carries, guides, prepares, follows, leads, thinks, engages, protects, ministers, prays, delights, speaks, listens, hugs, kisses, builds, maintains, and nurtures.

Love does.

Love consists of many small deeds over a short time or over a lifetime. No one can qualify, quantify or nullify what love is between a man and a woman. Each couple creates its own palette of color with special mixtures and accents that make it unique.


Love is little things.

I cannot count all the little things of love.  They weave into the fabric of my marriage and make it stronger.  I can feel that.

The little things sometimes get lost in the "big things" of life, but they keep the big things from overwhelming me.  I can feel that, too.

The little things keep the big things in perspective and give me strength just because of their smallness.  Whisper-like and sized to fit, loving actions fill in all the little holes and cracks that life makes as it presses on us.  Love heals the scars life will leave on us.

When I put all the little things together, I have something larger and more intricate than words can describe.  Each little thing feels like a breath of air going into a balloon that grows endlessly with every added puff.  Love, when added to consistently and constantly will not break, but will grow in size and strength.

I have a job -- to do these little things every day, as often as I can.  I must choose to never stop doing them, for love fades without attending to those small things.

I refuse to reduce love ... even by one tiny little thing.

I want to always have the ability to say, with confidence, "I have no words to describe it."

That says it all.

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.  

1 John 3:18

Taking a Pinterest Approach to Marriage (and why it bogs you down)

mediamerging.com

Yes, I have a **Pinterest account. It's a girl thing, from the looks of most of it.  Like a "forever" shopping cart.  

It's right up my alley, Pinterest is. I'm an idea girl. If I see it and like it, I can usually reproduce it. I'm a terror at craft shows, not usually making purchases but deciding how to make an item myself and laying plans for it as I peruse the tables full of handmade wares. Pinterest lets me shop, take notes, find directions and add to my list of things to do.

Pinterest plays to the "I want" feature in each of us, even if we have it under a fair amount of control and have learned to admire rather than to envy. Pinterest allows me to find things I never knew I needed, similar to what happens when I shop. I can fill my cart with items, but I don't have to commit to any of them. And, with Pinterest, I can keep the items forever and not have to put them back on a rack before I leave. The best of both worlds.

It's hoarding with followers. As in my real-life recipe collection, in which I have more recipes clipped and meticulously crammed in a binder than I will ever cook or bake, I have pinned 119 dinner recipes, 169 "sweets" recipes (you see my focus, eh?), and 90 recipes in smaller categories. I have actually used 10 or 12 of of these. In 18 months.

This activity hurts no one. I don't throw money away on any of it. But, I don't make good use of it. That's not good stewardship, in my book ... in God's book, either. He calls us to use what we have, and to use it wisely and properly.  When we have placed the ideas in a folder, on a stow-away board or in a hidden shopping cart, we get them out of sight ... and out of mind.

Remember Peter's words:

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace:
 ~1 Peter 4:10

Where I'm going here is here. If you have found yourself in the middle of a muddled marriage, you know you need something. You probably want a fast fix, but the possibility of that seems slim to none. The mess didn't happen overnight and the clean-up will take some time and hard work.

You can handle that.  You begin to search sources of help, whether on-line or real-world.  You begin to shop for assistance.

What makes the muddle more muddled comes is the multitude of ideas, suggestions, helpful books, insightful articles and terrific Bible studies that make you feel motivated to make changes, to try a particular way of addressing an issue you have with your husband. You feel a rising hope inside you after discovering what feels, in every way, like the perfect avenue to take in order to get you and your spouse on the path to oneness again. You read articles and book reviews that give you some great steps to take to make the changes happen and to direct your path more surely than you feel you can do on your own. Even the photos and graphics motivate you to try.

And then you wait.

Several articles, suggestions, ideas and studies later, you continue to wait. This is the Pinterest approach to marriage. Collect it, and it ... may ... happen.  You may forget about that hope-filled idea or that oneness-growing strategy as you bury them in a slew of other "looks good" affects that you will get to one of these days.

Do yourself a favor and do your marriage a service -- pick out the most eye-catching, do-able tidbit from the mass of your collection and act on it today. No more collecting.  Sift your ideas through a God filter ... match them with scripture.  If they don't match, toss them.  If they do match, prioritize them.

Make yourself a short list of quality possibilities, and then do something!

**Disclaimer:  I really like Pinterest.  I find it very useful for collecting ideas for remodeling we want to do at our house, for terrific recipes (my goal = trying one or two each week, successful so far!), and for some terrific Bible verses/quotes that have helped friends, relatives and myself with struggles.  I like Pinterest, and have no intention of relinquishing my membership!  This post does not effect a bashing of the Pinterest model in its truest form -- a place to share and glean ideas.  I hope only to compare the storage method with our marriage needs.  Thanks for understanding!

P.S.  I know commenting is hard, especially if you think you're "talking" in front of hundreds of people.  Please don't feel intimidated -- I'd love to hear from you.  Your experiences, thoughts and hopes motivate me.  You give me ideas both for my own marriage and for writing.  Thanks to those of you who have commented and e-mailed.  Contact information is always available in the tabs at the top. Thank you for your willingness to correspond!

Serious Side-Effects of Being Married to Me

What shortcomings, wrong-doing and negatives can you list about your husband?

Now, think about these:

What shortcomings do you own?
What wrongs have you done today?  This week?  This year?
What do you do that bothers your husband?
What personality traits do you portray that could use adjustment or annihilation?
What grudges do you hold?
What walls have you built between yourself and your husband?
What judgments/assumptions/misgivings do you have about your husband in any way (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional)?

Who feels easier to assess?  Which person do you know better?

In Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "Now You're Speaking My Language", as well as in his live marriage seminars, this question comes up as a though-provoking beginning to improving a marriage.

The first time I encountered the exercise, I could easily list several things about my husband that irritated me, made me angry, caused me to doubt him in several ways, and drove me farther from him.  His faults.  His sins.  His inability to please ME.

I had a terrible time coming up with anything about myself.  Sarcastic.  Stubborn.  Hmmmm ...  DONE!

After learning to look at my own long list of of serious side-effects of being married to me, I do not feel ashamed to examine my trouble spots.  I have shined the high-lumen output of God on myself (I prayed, asking God to show me where I fail and where I need to work on ME) and learned that I can face my human failings and make changes.

I thought it would hurt.  I thought I would appear weak.  I thought my husband would gloat.  I thought people would wonder why I act different and that I would feel others watching me.  I thought I would feel exposed.  I thought I would feel ineffective in my roles as wife, mother, daughter, sibling and friend.

It just so happens, I felt the reverse.  I felt healed of the nagging irritation of needing to look "perfect" in various areas of life.  I felt stronger as I proceeded, discovering bigger faith and more ability to trust God with everything.  My husband, straightaway, began leading me and our family without a hint of self-importance.  Other people began coming to me for advice in several areas of struggle -- and I hadn't said or written a word about my introspection and subsequent changes.  I felt open to the situations of others, and a great need to share my  own struggles to help them understand theirs.  I tuned into my roles in life differently -- I found I didn't have to juggle anymore, that help came through my Lord and  Savior, and by guidance of the Holy Spirit ... not through my own thoughts or desire to manage life to my own "just so" view.

What did I come up with?  Lots of female tendencies, which sounds sexist, but I'm a female, too, so bear with me as I share a few.

- dodging the truth -- this means not lying "completely", but withholding some of the truth to make something look less ... wrong?  Example:  When asked the cost of a purchase, round down from $20 to $15.  I still don't know why I ever thought this mattered.
- controlling behavior -- using the mind set that I wanted to "smooth rough spots", I managed to script conversations I wasn't part of but jumped into anyway, micromanage activities involving my husband and children working together, attempt to translate child's needs to my husband so he could "understand", and so forth.
- independent decision-making -- no problem when ordering a meal for myself or deciding what to wear today, but that wasn't my limit.  I signed children up for activities, made plans for evenings or weekends, or made purchases ... without consulting my husband at all, and sometimes telling him about these decisions at the last minute.  No joy comes from this.
- arguing to avoid facing facts -- this one is difficult to detect.  You don't know you're doing it until God helps you see, and then he makes it so obvious you have to stop ... you can't stand yourself anymore.  This kind of arguing happens when a husband says, "It really bothers me that you do _____."  When you counter-attack with a shortcoming you notice of his, you belong on this bandwagon.
- going out for coffee -- What?  Really?  Also known as "Empathizing with Other Wives in the Same Boat", this behavior happens when someone says, "Can you believe my husband did ______?" And you not only believe it, you add your own experience for everyone to hear ... and thereby judge your husband through your eyes.  This is sabotage and slander.
- devaluing my husband's needs -- I deflated my husband's needs by judging them, putting them into a self-tiered hierarchy, and then compared them to my unmet needs.  This serves in guaranteeing not only a stalemate, but accounts for about 2/3 of the Wall of Resentment built between us over the years.
- adopting a "holier than thou" view -- as the "stronger Christian", I patted myself on the back for seeing my own brand of righteousness at work, and seeing my husband's sins so clearly.  Classic "Plank and Speck" at work (Matthew 7:3).

If you can identify even one of these in your life, you still have some work to do.

I learned these behaviors over time, and I could create a timeline noting approximately when each began and the times in our marriage when they grew or shrank in intensity.  I took on some tendencies for reasons of self-preservation.  I took on others in the desire to not lose control of situations.  I took on all of them with the deep desire to make our marriage better!

Any one of these tendencies brought destructive results that continued to build with every unresolved conflict and with every scornful and self-righteous argument.  I could easily explain any of them away by applying logic in the "if-then" schematic.  If he did X, then I did Y.  The truth is, I made the choice to "do Y,"  and could have turned the whole situation around with a simple act of humility.

I did not have humility in relation to my husband.  To everyone else in the world, yes, but not for his benefit.

The side-effects to being married to me in the days before I began taking on these behaviors were encouragement, support, gently-offered wisdom, refuge from the world, acceptance, honor, respect, easily-shown love, openness, truth, and humility. These characteristics own the opposite effects of the bold list above.

Which list of side-effects look better on you?  Which do you want to see reflected from your husband?

You want side-effects as you work at your marriage.  You want the ones that seriously, without a shadow of a doubt, make your marriage strong and better than you ever could have imagined.  Loving actions trickle down, my friend.  When you've turned the corner to working WITH your husband (dual focus) instead of FOR your marriage (singular focus), you see the benefits -- no maybe, no mistake.

You do it through prayer.  You do it by looking deep into YOU.  You fix YOU so he can find his way again.  He won't find you in shadows or promises, he will find only real, fought-for changes that will show without a search party or strong light.  When you change YOU, the light shines and spreads. You can be a light in someone else's darkness.  Your husband makes a fine target audience.

Comparison Is the Thief of Joy

"Comparison is the thief of joy," a quote attributed to Theodore Roosevelt, covers a lot of space.  Whether applied to physical shape, home, lifestyle, marriage, children, job, vacation plans or distance traveled in a faith walk, people of all ages, races and social status compare themselves to their fellow men and commence lining it all up in specific and exacting order, then measuring ... comparing.  The tools each person uses for measuring differ, but all share something: the stressful feeling stemming from our inability to measure up.

The human race seems compelled to compare everything.

Enter Valentine's Day.

My husband and I will exchange cards.  Always do.  We may each have a gift tucked away fro the other, but not always.  We "don't celebrate" Valentine's Day ... officially ... kind of ... in a way.  We don't ever miss the card exchange.
Confusing, isn't it?

 It has to do with not wanting to disappoint each other, I think.  A little dose of loving words (shared by a few thousand other couples) never hurts, and the gesture alone feels right.  We set out to card shop with the nature of our relationship in mind.  We choose a card with love in our hearts, not with pressure to perform in our brains.  Big difference!

As always, we will enjoy a home-grilled steak dinner and Red Velvet cake, and add support to the four pillars of marriage: the intellectual, the spiritual, the emotional and the physical aspects of our relationship.

Ta-dahhhh!  This completes our Valentine's Day. It serves as plenty of celebration for us, not to mention we will have leftover cake. And when anyone asks about it, I happily note it was just what we wanted. 'Cause it always is just that.

Once upon a time, I felt envious of "Valentine Propaganda" -- those tokens of love advertised as the end-all, be-all of love.   I believed the deception that a truly loving husband would cover all or most of those bases, like a Love Checklist. I ached for a bouquet of flowers at my desk and for a surprise drive to a special restaurant or ... something.  I focused my Valentine thoughts through a filter of the world's expectations and through the advertisement of what love looks like, materially.

Love does not look like flowers, candy, food or dress-up clothes.  Love does not look like lingerie or talking greeting cards.  Love looks like a million things that no one person can list, and that no one can measure.  Love, in each of our hearts, feels unique.  It reflects our individuality.  It cannot measure up to a relative's or friend's brand of it.  It doesn't match the advertisement for a local jewelry store or candy shop.

Love looks like your first date, your first kiss, every date you shared before you engaged for marriage.  Love looks like your wedding day full of hope and dreams of a future together.  Love looks like arguments that you settled well, and those you didn't, but survived anyway.  Love looks like wrong turns that God brought back full circle.  Love looks like mistakes that helped you learn more about yourself and your husband.  Love looks like the circle of your husband's arms and the imprint of his kiss.  Love looks like tip-toeing by his chair when he has fallen asleep after a long day, and making sure you feed the kids early and wait to eat with him when he's late coming home from work.  Love looks like giving in on little issues and learning to cooperate on larger ones.  Love looks like tears shed out of frustration that you can't seem to understand each other, and tears again when you do finally understand.  Love looks like working it all out through the years, no matter what.

Love cannot advertise itself.  God invented it and showed it to his people all the time.  Giving is love.  Receiving gracefully is love.  Love is a great number of things that never appear in commercials prior to February 14, because no couple shares the same love, and no couple ever will.

Comparing your love and marriage to anyone or anything else will only continue to thwart any forward motion you make.  "If only ..." and "But, what about so-and-so's husband who did ..." and "I wish he would just ..." serve only to compare.  You may definitely have unmet needs, but comparing "theirs and ours" or "hers and mine" for purposes of discovering what's missing in your marriage will never help.  I guarantee that this kind of behavior will serve only to hurt and divide.

Make a deal with yourself this Valentine's Day -- that you will not think about what the day holds, or what you hope for, or what you want, or what might happen.  Take what comes, or what doesn't, and look deeply at what love really is in your heart and marriage.  Pay no attention to advertising, to what you see around town, or to friends' rehashing of the day -- focus on you and yours.

Then, make plans to continue adding to what love looks like for the two of you, every day, no matter what the box on the calendar shows.  Every day can look like Valentine's Day.


Linking up this 13th day of February with:  Wifey Wednesday, Encourage Your Spouse, What I Learned, Domestic Bliss Diaries, Works for Me Wednesday

The Danger of Tunnel Vision in Marriage

The medical definition of "tunnel vision" states,

"Tunnel vision: Loss of peripheral vision with retention of central vision, resulting in a constricted circular tunnel-like field of vision. And, by extension, any very narrow point of view."  
(from www.medicinenet.com)

In yesterday's post, Tales of a Business Traveler's Wife:  Single-Mom Syndrome, I outlined some of what a woman might do when faced with parenting alone because of a husband's work travel.

Today, tunnel vision dropped into my mind, thanks to a comment I received yesterday.  Mainly, a tunnel-visioned woman cannot see the forest for the trees.  Too much focus on the details, not enough focus on the big picture.  She focuses straight ahead at what she must accomplish for her own peace of mind.  Then, she hopes that the entire picture will improve due to enhancement from her attention in one area.  I believe this is deception.  Self-deception, but also cultural and from The Deceiver, himself.

Women and men have the ability to use tunnel vision, but in different areas.  One short sentence will make a wife of any sports fan nod in agreement.

"The game is on."

Do not interrupt the game.  It's all he wants to see right now, just wait until the end, please.

However, when a woman sets herself to the job of completing a task, nothing can deter her, even an actual person interrupting by voice or motion.  She turns on the tunnel vision and engages in the activity at hand.  This works especially well if she has children and has learned that not every whine or cry needs attention.  She can differentiate between a child's needs and wants by sound.  She keeps at those dishes, finishes typing the document, folds the last shirt, and her work finds completion.  She tunes in again, checks the chore off the list and moves along.  Accessibility returns.

Sometimes, the whining and crying (so to speak) comes from her husband.  When his needs/wants begin to come around again and again like the proverbial squeaky wheel, a woman may tune them out rather than grease the wheel with care.  Worse still, a woman sometimes assesses the squeak, deciding on the "real" issue as she sees it, and decides whether her husband really needs that kind of attention, or has he just chosen to harp on that today?  How long can she hold him off this time?  Must ... get ... this ... job ... done.  She gives him the same assessment she gives a tantrum-throwing two-year old.  It can wait, or she pushes through it and it will go away.

This female behavior exhibits two things:  disrespect and control.  Danger zones, both.

As a woman, I admit I don't automatically stand back and assess myself, thoughtfully listing the areas in which I could use some work.  The Holy Spirit can nudge me, but I have channeled my thoughts to getting a task completed that I can guiltily tune out the small voice.  I miss the warning signs about imminent danger  -- the kind that throws discussions with my husband off the track and over the cliff into argument.  I exhibit disrespect and control, and we run right up to it in a discussion and I don't think, "Hey!  There it is! How do I get around this awful thing and move onto the better track?"  No, no.  Instead, I plow right on through, crashing the road block and ending up over the cliff again.

Tunnel vision, medically, brings danger to the person who has it.  Peripheral vision goes black, and only forward vision works.  Over-the-road truckers have to guard against this, looking side-to-side and up or down often, keeping the eyes moving, not focusing straight-on constantly.  The focus lies in avoiding harmful situations and preventing accidents.

Exercising the eyes while driving ensures we'll see signs, warnings, road blocks and detours around a danger zone.  Marriage and family danger zones offer similar warnings.  Unless we practice looking, listening and understanding, we will miss them, or learn to ignore them in favor of our own preferences.  Catapulting over cliffs again and again will teach us a lesson, but that manner of learning can also bring damage that costs considerably to repair and may leave terrible scars.  When possible, choose to learn at the appearance of the first sign, whether it comes in words, actions or attitudes.  Don't wait until the signs grow larger and more frequent, or until the danger looms ahead without a way to avoid it.  Find the right road to loving actions that bring peace, rather than barreling through into chaos.

The signs, warnings roadblocks and detours serve to warn.  They apply to me.  My husband's slumping posture, grimacing expression, exasperated voice and choice of words serve as warnings.  They alert me to something ahead that I can address, a problem I can help solve, a danger I can avoid.  My job?  PAY ATTENTION!

I can offer some good news on this tunnel vision.  Not only can a person change it (thank you, God ... I couldn't have done it without You), the vision gained after recovering from it grows more acute.  The precision of sight after failing to see for even a short time can make a person shout for joy at the clarity of recovered sight.  I promise that seeing all the colors, shapes, shadows and play of light will delight you, and make your marriage glow with a radiance you never saw before.  When you can see only what you focus on, you can't expect a beautiful mural.  You get a locket photo instead, small and contained without room to grow.

I know I've shouted out to the Lord on more than a few occasions.  When you've learned how to stop crashing the roadblocks and instead, find the detours and pleasant side routes that open before you, a person can't help but feel tremendous relief.  Marriage grows this way.  It takes different routes.  You can't expand the horizons of your relationship if you continue taking the same roads every time, and wonder why you always end up in the same place.

Always be sure to thank the Bringer of Relief.  The Author of Grace.  The Creator of All.

He totally cares.

Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint

How do you enjoy?  Food, films, life, love, children, family, husband, work, play, gifts, marriage? Do you find fault in small things?  Do you find areas of improvement to point out ... freely?  Do you mumble to yourself about what could/should change?

That amazing movie you just saw ... if only the main character could have acted in a more convincing way.  The meal you had at the new restaurant ... if only the wait staff had attended you more closely.  The beautiful sunset this evening ... if only the weather were warmer.  The way your children worked together today ...  if only they hadn't made such a mess.  The loving gestures your husband made this week ... if only he would put his dirty clothes in the hamper instead of on the floor.

If you're like a lot of the human race, just about everything in life could use a little tweaking.  We complain about the weather, about money, about politics, about social ills, about our jobs, and about our spouses and marriages when they don't meet our estimation of "good".  We may have no outstanding needs in life (food, clothing, shelter), but our wants?  ENDLESS!  We measure life constantly against an ever-changing measuring stick of expectation and worldly overtone.  Desires of the flesh and of the deceitful heart don't make good "quality versus quantity" filters.  Seeing through God's eyes makes the life we have plenty, and even bountifully blessed.  We have to learn to see this way.  We need to learn to see the way a child sees a lollipop or a small gift offered "just because".

If you think about how many "just because" moments we have and how we dishonor the blessings by analyzing, nit-picking and measuring them up to "perfection" (earthly perfection), you would feel the shame that belongs to the despicable practice of "comparison" that complaining really is!

Enjoy without Complaining, the sixth of Ten Ways to Love from a biblical standpoint, has this to say, from Philippians 2:14 --

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky

In my own experience, including what I observe around me, I notice something important in attaining peace, both within ourselves and in our relationships:  

Complaints often target one aspect of a situation, event or person like a magnifying glass enlarging one flower in a rose garden.  A complaining spirit will find the one tiny aphid in the whole garden and focus on it, above the rest.  Soon, the complainer forgets the beautiful blooms, expands on the aphid, and enlarges it to the size of a 747 airliner sheerly by her framing and focus.

Look at the roses!  Don't miss the glorious, the beautiful, the blessings, the love, and even the ordinary because you can't help but tweak the possibilities or reevaluate the outcome for next time.

Every single person can learn to enjoy.  Each one of us can discover what it means to give thanks in everything ... even in misery or in struggle.  

  "Whatever happens, give thanks, because it is God's will in Christ Jesus that you do this."

I Thessalonians 5:18

The more a person complains, the unhappier she grows. Complaints build on themselves, carry over into other topics of conversation, and begin to gnaw on the insides of listeners.  If not nipped in the bud, a complaining spirit can override the atmosphere of a social gathering.  It can turn a peaceful evening for a married couple into an argument.  Nit-picking can leave pockmarks on the loveliest of experiences, and can degrade the surface of the conveniences in life.  The "if only" begins to speak louder than the "I like" or the, "I enjoy" experiences, like a food critic indulging your desires to try that new restaurant for the talented chef and gastronomical delights, then dulling your interest by focusing on and grinding an axe on a leaf of misplaced garnish.

The Philippians 2 verse provides us a prime reason for not grumbling or arguing -- that we may become blameless and pure, and different from the people around us.  Certainly, many people find the silver lining in each cloud and magnify the rose instead of the aphid.  Yet the bent toward discontent -- finding the negative -- seems to permeate so many lives.    

Complainers become the flies in the ointment, the vinegar rather than the sugar, the cloud rather than the silver lining.  Complainers rain on parades and pour water on comfortable blankets.  Seeing themselves as "realists" or for bravely pointing out the obvious sustains many complainers.  Believe it or not, other people do notice where tweaks can improve a moment or where a different actor could play a movie role.   But they don't focus there.  They see what's good and keep the joy. 

If you tend toward criticizing -- whether you focus on people, language, deeds, appearances, or any other aspect of the physical world or on the abstract aspects of love, thought, intention and feeling/emotion, you appear as a joy drain.  You suck the fun right out of the experience!  Smiles fade, eyes search for safe resting places, attention diverts, and you have a platform for passing out morsels of negativity.  God wants more for you and he has more for you.  

In marriage, this plays out very intricately because we do see each other's low points, faults, habits and mistakes.  When we ask for God's vision and begin to focus on the rose instead of the aphid ... let me tell you, what joy is mine!

Enjoy.  Enjoy fully, keeping in mind those around you who can have the wind knocked out of them by harsh words of complaint and judgment.  Very often, the world around us needs work, the people around us need to make some adjustments, we need to change -- of course!  But none of us need to appoint ourselves judge and jury or even as Inspector of Everything.  By doing so, we put ourselves above the rest.  We're all in this together.  Play nice.  No rose-colored glasses, please.  Look through God's eyes.

ENJOY!




Others in this series:

• Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
• Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
• Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
• Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
• Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting 
• Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
• Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
• Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering 

Real Marriage Done Right: Respect and Love

You want a good great marriage.  As a wife, you want to feel loved, honored and cherished.  You have a short list of attributes you assign to what loving actions mean most to you.  You have hinted, suggested, insisted, tried to persuade and possibly, in a heated moment, demanded several of them.  Sometimes, you feel at wits' end to communicate your needs to the man you love.

You do love him.

You do all the things you think will express that love best.  You keep his interest in mind and don't complain when he pursues them, though sometimes you wish he would pursue them less and you more.   Each time you give him his space, he seems to require more of it.

No longer newly wed, you may have unmet expectations.  You had a few years of near bliss when real life began to trickle in -- or it slammed in with the force of a tidal wave, and you felt unprepared for handling it.  No one told you this could or would happen!  You look at married friends, or at couples you see on the street and compare happiness with them, even though you don't know the first thing about their relationship -- their real relationship, aside from what you see or hear.  You suppose and assume and create perfection in others that doesn't exist, and then measure your own marriage against it.  You fail yours and pass theirs in your mind.

You can bet your bottom dollar your husband feels similarly. He may feel this even more than you do, and perhaps has had these feelings for a longer period of time.  He just hasn't said a word.

In my own first years of marriage, I did not consult the Bible at all, and the churches I attended did not offer any instruction.  I held the, "You repeat your vows, you kiss and show yourself as a couple united under the blessing of God, he carries you over the threshold and you live life together happily ever after", more or less.  Angels sing at random, too.  Bliss.  HA!  I had absolutely no concept of conflict, though it arrived in spades very soon ... over toothpaste tubes, over whether to pass a car on the thruway or not ... as soon as we let down our guards, as soon as we grew comfortable and as soon as we gave in to our real selves in our attitudes and actions.  Struggle, grasp at straws, worry, spat, struggle some more.  Because we don't have a clue what we're doing.

Yes, you want a good marriage.  A great marriage.  But how do you get there?  **Who teaches you?  Well, the Bible does, for starters, and always has.  God designed marriage for Adam and Eve (Genesis 2:18-24) and henceforth, all men and women.  Cultural changes brought by government or unchecked behavior brought changed social attitudes, but God's plan never changed.  It will never change.  Our culture has taken away the leadership role of men within marriage and family and culture and made it normal, acceptable and unquestioned in social circles.  It's high time we women take it back and help to put it where it belongs.  Our husbands need it.  Our marriages won't thrive without it.  Our children will repeat the frightening process, unless we work to stop it.  Unless we spread not only The Word, but the example.

Do Real Marriage, and do it right.  Get moving right now, no waiting.  The entire marriage covenant, no matter your city, country or continent, relies on a central marriage wheel:  a cycle of Respect and Love (for a great understanding of this, please read Love & Respect, Eggerichs).

Using Ephesians 5: 21-33 as a guide, any married person can find the link to successfully navigating the marriage path.  The passage reads:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing^[a] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

First off, don't hang up on the word "submit".  It does not mean what our current cultural mind-set would have you believe (slave, mindless, spineless, unworthy, weak, subservient).  It means mutual recognition of the relevance of the each other; putting the best interest of the other first.  To have the care and nurturing of your spouse in the forefront of your thought, putting him first in your life (after God), and focusing on his needs, and he, likewise, should view you in this way (vs. 21-24).  He may not, right now, but your focus rests on him as you begin this journey ... and ever afterward.

A husband should hold his wife in the esteem that Christ holds the church (vs. 25-30) -- keeping care of her, protecting her, giving his life for her.  This does not mean a doting husband or a pushover, nor a gutless wonder, or a martyr.  This means a strong, striving-to-be-godly man (whom you may not see on your horizon right now, but keep reading).

You marry -- he separates from his parents and becomes one with you; body, mind, spirit and emotion (vs. 31). These aspects take work, communication, trust, admiration, some pitfalls and struggles, but always forgiveness and understanding to pick up and keep going.

The last verse cuts to the chase, in effect.  In it, Paul (the writer, the apostle, the man who moved from killing Christians to planting and maintaining Christian churches, and who died for his faith) summarizes the whole thing for us by letting the husband know that his job lies in loving his wife as he loves himself; that the wife's job means respecting her husband.  Short and sweet, but the hardest tasks for each of the sexes!  God's plan in action.

These things don't come naturally for husbands and wives.  Men live by nature in a world made up of masculine codes of honor and respect.  Guys just know.  They know how much to say to each other, when to say it, and when to zip their lips (drama-free version).  Certain things will just never come up or happen between them, which they understand.  Manly "givens".  Women do not get this.  Why don't they talk it out and enjoy closure?  We do not come wired with that kind of understanding or view of the world.  Women, conversely, live by the heart, showing and sharing emotion continually, as naturally as breathing.  Women may share experiences and moments of high emotion in minute detail and other women understand.  No explanation necessary as a female.  You laugh, you cry, you feel anger, you worry, you rejoice, you feel sorrow ... and the women around you support you, or help you along the way without you asking.  The support simply comes.  Men don't get this.  No one asks, so you refrain from meddling, as men know to do.

Husbands, love your wives.  Wives, respect your husbands.

Being that I focus on wives' roles and continue to follow the path of respecting my husband in all ways (and sometimes failing), I can tell you, without a doubt, that the day I began showing this man respect, both quietly and overtly, he perked up and started showing love.

It felt like putting a quarter in a candy machine ... that automatic.  And, after spending a long, long time in difficulty and misunderstanding, that outcome fell like rain on parched ground.  I soaked it in and felt compelled and happy to do and say and experience more.  I happily hopped onto the Respect and Love Wheel and focused on keeping it going around.  The cycle runs very smoothly, offering relief, hope, and the respect and love we both crave.  Sometimes, I miss the mark, suffer a set-back, trip on a moment that finds me apologizing and rebuilding -- such as misreading my husband's reactions and acting without checking to see that we're on the same page.  By far, this process beats doing the misreading, receiving a negative reaction and then either stomping off in a huff, ignoring the reaction or trying to discuss why the reaction wasn't valid and that he didn't understand me, and please let me explain.  That, my friend, is the wheel of failure.  It never rolls smoothly, and keeps repeating the same negative cycle on the same bumpy track.

Some things you, as a wife, can do to get that Respect and Love Wheel rolling:

• pray -- prayers of guidance, thanks, need, praise ... for every step you take in this
• compliment him on a success or about something you like or that is unique about him
• praise him for work he has accomplished
• thank him for helping you, for providing for you, for being a good father, for odd-jobs
• pat his arm or wrap an arm around his waist in passing
• hug him for no reason at all -- and when he asks, you can tell him that, or give him a reason that feels natural to you
• think of the good points of the man, focus, focus, focus!
• when negatives enter your mind, refuse to entertain them -- invite the positives to take their place
• leave him a note in a place he will see easily; write something thoughtful or insightful about him
• let him know the moment you appreciate or really enjoy something he is/does or represents -- don't wait until later, he will soak it in more completely when it's fresh in his mind
• forgive the faults, overlook them, love the man you remember falling in love with ... you're drawing him out again
• when he makes a loving gesture, react well, and let him know you liked it
• pray some more

I have talked with many women who have found that the man they fell in love with still resides inside the downhearted, downtrodden, cranky, unloving, seemingly uncaring, and/or fallen from faith shell of a person who thumps around the house looking ill at ease ... whom they feel did not deserve respect just by the looks of him.

Here's a bit of news:  you probably don't deserve love, either, if we're going to measure it like that.  Did you ever consider that?  Chances are, you are no picnic to live with (there are exceptions, I am not one of them!), and you have lacked respect for such a long time it may take a while to get a really good reaction.  Do not give up, do not despair.  Find direction in prayer and in reading the Bible, reviewing this Ephesians portion often. 

The important point of the matter is this.  Someone has to take a stand and make a start.  Offering the respect your husband needs to feel wanted, needed and, well ... loved ... is not too much for you to do.  Start with a baby step or a giant leap -- you decide.  When you meet a rough spot, just please, please don't make the mistake of saying something like, "You know, I've been acting respectfully, telling you what you want to hear and trying to make you feel needed and I get THIS?"

You can feel the "fake" ringing loud and clear in a sentence like that and so will he.  Pray yourself into action.  Feel the small respectful items you offer grow larger as you re-see him.  Feel the loving feelings return, grow and multiply.

I'm excited for you to get going!  Hurry!  And smile, lady, SMILE!  You're on the right track!

**Married folk can find hundreds of bloggers out there in the ether, determined to share their experiences  to assist others with ravaged relationships.  Several of those blogs share space on my right-hand sidebar (over there ... -->  -->  pointing ... ).  These lovely, God-empowered people have found the Truth, engaged the Truth, and put the Truth to work in their relationships.  Some started out one-sided with God's prodding, others began as a healing from adultery or other infidelity, still others have always existed - through all the seasons of life so far.  Each one of them shares instruction and example, as well as encouragement and praise for those who take the first step.

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