Stop the Bullying: Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Love.  It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. 

It doesn't keep track of wrongs.

I Corinthians 13:5

Go ahead.  Out them.  

You have a group of them, don't you?  They lurk, waiting to make an appearance when they can exhibit their strength, their power over you.  You know what it feels like, that in-the-past wrong-doing committed by your husband at your expense.  The giant debit column.  The list of wrongs.  The gang of bullies in an otherwise congenial community of experiences.

The irritations, annoyances, hurts, and painful memories attached to my husband over the years can get to me (if I let them).  I don't have a list in my head that I can rattle off on command, and most of the time, I don't remember a single negative occurrence.  But, once in a while, such as when other women complain about their husbands, or when an everyday occurrence triggers a memory, they can get to me -- if I let them have the chance.  If I give them that kind of power.

That bully metaphor?  Think about it.  It has "mean, inconsiderate husband" written all over it.  In real life, a bully has power over me when I allow him to intimidate me with words or with physical threat.  Our children have experienced bullying, and what do we tell them to do?  We ply them with a consistent list of anti-bullying measures:  

• pray for your enemy - for good things to come to him
• try to ignore his antics repeatedly until he loses interest/goes away
• stand up for yourself -- say something in response
• get help from someone in authority if you feel you are in danger

These same measures work for me as a wife, struggling against the bullying of Satan as he attempts to exert power over me in my marriage.  He wants nothing more than to rule over or destroy what God has created, and ... have you noticed what has happened to marriage lately?  Have you ever heard of more turmoil and seen more divorce or separation than you do in these modern, progressive, technologically advanced times? 

The Bible and its guiding principles don't read as modern or progressive or technologically advanced, but if you have Divine Guidance in reading it, studying it and praying about it, you have something timeless and that means it keeps up with the times.

God's word follows us into these modern times with consistent measures that work -- if we will put them to use.  When we guide our children, we do the same thing, providing them with guidance that will serve them all their lives, if only they respect it and remember it.  Our instruction will never fail them, when given with positive outcomes in mind.  In other words, it will work for them if it does not focus on restitution, vengeance, self-indulgence or self-righteousness, but on what is just and right.

Hmmmm.  Biblical!

Do yourself some good.  Oust those bullies in your brain.  You know they hide in there, that group of sneering no-goods that have perfect timing, never get caught and often turn up to join the fray in an argument or in that group of friends or coworkers who seem to feel vindicated when sharing the lows of their marriages, rather than the highs.  

Those antibullying measures work against the negative feelings and hurts.  Those bullying forces that play with my senses, encouraging me to revisit pain, to keep opening wounds that have begun to heal, to allow Satan a foot in the door to my thoughts and feelings -- they all need to go.  

The approach look like this.  I think you'll recognize it:

• pray for your enemy - for good things to come to him.  This means praying for protection against your own mind, and asking God to help you refocus on what good things your marriage has brought you, looking for the positives in your husband and praying for any healing and for conviction of sin that may exist -- in both of you.  It also means forgiving your husband for those past hurts.  Doing so helps free you from the power they hold over you.
• try to ignore his antics repeatedly until he loses interest/goes away.  This means don't take the bait.  When you recognize a trigger that brings out the bad, don't give in to it.  Turn another direction, become interested in something else.  Don't let the negatives have any of your attention.  Pray. 
• stand up for yourself -- say something in response.  A good "get thee behind me Satan!" does wonders.  Say it out loud, silently command it in your mind.  Research a Bible verse that brings you peace and comfort and trot it out in front of the Enemy.  God's word has more power than the Evil One ever will, as long as we remember to use it.  In the Armor of God (Ephesians 6), the Word (Bible and its contents) is the Sword of the Spirit for a good reason.  Use it for good.
• get help from someone in authority if you feel you are in danger.  This would be God.  Turn to Him in prayer and pour it all out to him.  The wrongs of a spouse, if we don't forgive them, will fester and can cause us to sin (turning away from spouse, turning to another person for comfort, act out wrongly, have harsh thoughts).  If you really find yourself tortured by bullying memories and , find a godly human guide who will help you through in a way that honors God and your marriage.  No gossip allowed, no slandering, no rehearsing of wrongs, and no opposite-sex mentors.

There you have it.  When you take the time to train yourself to a better approach, your mind begins to follow more readily.  One day, you may find that list of wrongs balled up in a corner of your mind.  You may never forget them completely, but you will know better than to flatten the paper and reread it.

When you fill more pages with the good stuff of marriage -- because that's what you choose to focus on -- you will want to celebrate that, instead.

How have you turned away bullying thoughts in your life about your husband or marriage?  What's your "go to" Bible verse?  What does your husband do that really floats your boat?

Preparing Your Heart for Valentine's Day

Hmmmm ... I see a big heart drawn in the calendar box for this Thursday, married people!  Approximately 36 hours to go.  Time to get moving!  Don't waste another minute.  Love is (or can be) in the air. 

When it comes to Valentine's Day, the cost, the food, the attire and the venue don't matter one bit.  All any of us want is to love and feel loved every day of the year, not have a pulling out of all the stops just on one night.  For some, that want feels less attainable than a trip to the moon.  For others, loving action comes easily and has always been -- no doubt, no stumbling blocks.

For those dreading it,  the thought of Valentine's Day feels like a stabbing pain, a dreadful possibility, a tad on the unsure side, or something you would like to erase from the calendar and send the trappings of it down a chute in every department store you see.  Take the time to make some changes and catch hold of the spirit of this "card store holiday".  Make Valentine's Day your own, personal, heart challenge.

Each marriage has to work every part - emotional, mental, physical and spiritual - to find what "one" really means, and the work never ends.  It also doesn't happen in just one night, but anyone can start anywhere.  Now is good.  Let's do it. 

No matter how you try to color it, Valentine's Day marks the calendar with a big red heart. Dinner, symbolic gifts, dressy clothing, boxes of chocolate, or maybe just a few hours without children in tow attracts some of us to celebrate.   For you, maybe hope calls.  Maybe it's the hope of a salvaged relationship, or of rejuvenated love.  It might be hope for intimacy that has all but disappeared, or has filtered to the bottom of the chore list. Maybe you have hope that pain and struggle will end.

No matter your Valentine's Day plans or hopes, do something important every day this week.  Pray.  Ask forgiveness for wrongs you have done, for thoughts that have gone astray and have allowed you to see your husband in a derogatory light ... the bad guy, the killer of your dreams.  Pray for a leash on your tongue if you need it.  Pray for yourself very carefully -- that you will find the good in your husband and keep finding more.  God will help you find it.

Pray that kindness will overcome all else and that you will feel sparks of interest where they haven't existed in some time. Pray that intimacy (on a small or grand level) will happen. You don't have to fix all your problems in one night, but you can close the gap with your physical presence, very hard for women who feel distant.  But do it -- PREPARE YOUR HEART.

Pray for the desire for your husband that has been difficult or absent.  And, pray for him. Pray that he will receive your actions and words for what you need them to mean. Pray that he make the effort this week to build your relationship in small ways and to anticipate spending Valentine's Day with you. Give thanks for the blessings you have in your marriage, home and family.

Finally, think of what drew you to your husband in the first place. Look for those things now. Don't let the irritations enter your mind, stop replaying angry or hurtful words and do your part to make a difference NOW. Speak and act in love.  Banish thoughts and feelings of failure or apathy.  Be the girl he fell in love with this week. Build him up, support and encourage, and smile while you do it. Get close. Hug him, reach for his hand.

I don't know what your marriage feels like.  I can only go from my own experience, which has packed up a huge share of struggle, hurt and serious misunderstanding and missteps.  Multitudes of women have suffered, and many have learned to make changes to put the brakes on and turn the bus around, and they have found not the marriage they lost, but a better one.

Put yourself out there.  Whether you have the evening of your dreams or you pick up a pizza and share some Conversation Hearts, don't hold onto anything that doesn't deserve time in your heart and mind. Grudges, barriers, walls, resentment, need for control, martyrdom, and regret -- let them go.  They serve only to destroy.

Your job?  Build. Start with this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

I Corinthians 13: 4-8 

Do Something Extreme

Those who read or write for enjoyment, as a profession, or for information/education, know the power of words.  Words can hurt or heal, praise or condemn, build up or tear down, and can change the course of a conversation with just one syllable or slight pause.

In our relationships as men and women, prior to marriage, words begin their journey as a mere testing of the waters.  We dip in a toe and find a nice temperature, so we enter a little more and keep easing in, finally fully engulfed in comfortable waters of easy conversation.  Whew!  We continue on, offering unbiased remarks, well-meaning encouragement, zesty compliments, carefully-chosen opinions, and tasteful admiration, and we add a generous coating of utmost sensitivity and care before allowing the words out of our mouths.  We choose carefully how we say everything, as we nestle inside a bubble of wonder, excitement and very little reality with the object of our affection.  He is perfect and he thinks I am perfect.  Perfect!  Everything feels perfect.   

Then, we get married.

The bubble floats along for a while, maybe for a few years, stretching thinner and becoming  more fragile, and then, "POP!"  What was that?  Did you hear it?  Did you see something?  No one seems to notice. Must be nothing.

In the blink of an eye, all of those carefully-crafted words and phrases and long essays filled with love language burst and scatter, leaving memories and some still-useful fragments.  But, in flows the suffocating, somewhat toxic air of real life.  You probably felt a few surges previous before the sudden drop in bubble pressure, as if you had just receive a small electric shock that you brush away and ignore.  But you did feel them.  They were the prickling of reality.  Warning signs of what will come.  And it will.  No marriage avoids it; it's how you handle the reality that matters.  The divorce rate shows that most of us don't handle it well at all, and then go on to repeat it with a new person.  No matter how you try to tell him he's not the same person you married, the real person existed before, you simply couldn't see him, enveloped in the bubble of infatuated perfection.  It's not love that incurs blindness, but infatuation that covers our eyes.  Real life opens them.  What a shock!

Let the skirmishing begin!  The words we use begin to have pointed edges, poking, slashing and sometimes cutting deeply.  Maybe you have a tug-of-war going, trying to drag and yank your husband to your side while he pulls mightily on his end of the rope, both of you fighting for peace, but on your own terms.   Maybe you have a Cold War, or maybe your battle feels completely one-sided.

One thing you may never have considered makes a tremendous roadblock to improvement and victory for both of you:  If you do not show respect to the man you married, you will never find peace  (Ephesians 5:33 -- ... wives must respect their husbands.)  You used to respect him solely for what you saw in him that engaged you in the first place.  In his mind, feeling respected flips the switch to letting loving attitudes and actions flow toward you.  Without respect, his ability to show love will continue to dwindle and may fade completely.

Now, rather than the attentive, interested man you used to know, you see a sullen, computer-staring, remote control-wielding human being.  The more you think about what he doesn't do, the more irritated you grow.  He might go to work all day and take on large projects or make lots of sales or amaze co-workers with his abilities, but when he arrives across the threshold of your home he ...

• makes you wonder what is the matter with him
• doesn't seem to want to bother when you ask him to participate in life with you 
• acts detached or distant
• offers conversation to other people but not to you  
• holes up in another room each evening, or in the same room, but it seems a planet away
• acts cranky, unkind, selfish, disinterested, angry, thoughtless, or cruel 

Meanwhile, you:

• feel lonely even when he sits in the same room with you
• have nothing to discuss with him, as if you have no ideas to captivate his attention
• feel sullen, too, and blame him for it
• wonder if anyone else feels like this

Do something extreme.  Compliment him.  Thank him.  Focus on the positives.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  ~~I Corinthians 13: 4-7 

Don't get me wrong, I do not suggest that anyone make up lies or twist reality to try to change the tide of a troubled marriage.  No way.  That's not right, it's not Biblical.  It's a lie.  Find something ... anything to say that shines a good light on him.  Notice his clothing choice, his hair, the color of his eyes, the way he talks to the kids.  Give a compliment about how hard he works, about his good care of the house or lawn or his vehicle.  If he didn't flip through the channels last night while you watched television, thank him!  Think, carefully consider the words and voice them.  To him, of course.  In the beginning, depending on how mired you are in negative thoughts and poor communication with your spouse, the task of offering compliments to him may overwhelm you.  It may feel like an impossibility for you.  You are stronger than that negative thought.  Do. It.  Keep at it, every day.  Do not stop.  Think, rephrase, repeat if necessary, but give him something to go on every day.  

While infatuation is blind, wives who feel distraught, overtaxed, unloved, ignored and disinterested have vision that targets the worst in their husbands.  Stop looking at those things.  Vamoose, bad thoughts!  Negative views, be gone.  COMPLIMENT THE MAN.

Husbands thrive on acceptance from their wives, as noted in Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' Love & Respect, and from the respect derived from those feelings of acceptance.  That means we must stop judging our husbands and stop believing we have some sort of wisdom greater than theirs.  God created us to complement each other (different spelling -- this word means "to complete, to make whole, to bring to perfection"), not to judge, condemn and deride one another. We are different from our husbands in many ways, all of which have a good purpose.  When we wives assume an authoritarian role at home, making cutting comments, rolling our eyes, masking impatience with a sigh, and the hundreds of other hints that we don't feel satisfied with the current situation, men read that as, "She does not respect me."  

Enter the silent evenings, the blank expressions, the uncaring attitudes and the cranky, irritable personalities.  When a husband feels the disrespect, he will not feel loving, and then the circle (or, Crazy Cycle, according to Dr. Eggerichs) begins.  You know the feeling -- the arguments that lead nowhere, the frustration, the pounding heartbeat, the agony of him not hearing or understanding you.  And it settles down only to start again when he feels snubbed and you feel abandoned.

A few friends of mine have trekked through the desperate days of marriage, ready to file for divorce and move on with life.  They didn't think anything could change their feelings, which were far from loving.  One friend curtly offered she didn't even like her husband, and love was out of the question.  This week, I heard from each of these ladies, relievedly noting that things are looking up, that they feel a difference in their marriages, that they have had loving feelings return and new energy for continuing to work at it.  Through their prayers and through decisions to act on those prayers, they now experience healing when they doubted anything good would happen at all.  Thank you, God.  Your ways are better than ours -- our human instincts fail, and your truths work.  Why don't we realize this in everything?  Wives ... respects your husbands.

Compliment that man.  Make the compliment an important part of your day.  Tell him face to face, leave him a note on the mirror or on the monitor, send a text or e-mail, or find a creative way to offer it.  Make it meaningful to you and to him.  Keep practicing it every day.  Thank him for something he did that you realize you took for granted.  For taking out the trash.  For picking up his socks.  For picking up a child at school.  For going to work every day.  For helping you get dinner on the table.  Think small.  The bigger things will come later.

And share your results.  Share with someone else who feels desperate, unhappy, not sure of which way to turn in her marriage.  And, if you feel you can, post a comment here -- you can comment anonymously -- and share your experience.

Looking forward to it!