Somewhere between the altar representing vows of positive, forward motion and the first wedding anniversary, reality bites into the smooth road of our newlywed lives, cutting into the pavement like a jackhammer gone wild, stunning newlyweds, causing their forward motion to screech to a halt -- like deer caught in the beam of headlights.
Reality has a way of changing perspectives, but if you're anything like I have been in my married life -- a lot hard-headed, indignant, self-righteous to a degree, soft-hearted but stubbornly willful, and quite certain that my own remedies would cure the ills if he would just listen, you have hit wall after wall and keep falling over all sorts of obstacles and into trenches and pits. Most of them self-dug.
You can destroy your marriage fairly fast by remaining frozen in the road like the deer that stands stock still in the path of oncoming danger, or you can destroy it in short bursts and sudden moves -- the road most traveled for many couples. In the short burst scenario, the deer bolts in several wrong directions, crazed by its unexpected situation, and turns into the path of the problem, thereby causing greater damage or fatality.
Whether you have managed to eke out a decade of married-but-disgruntled existence or you have squeaked past your second or third anniversary and simply do not feel the love and think you have made the biggest mistake of your life, or even if you have made it to the silver or golden anniversary by the skin of your teeth (gritting them harder every year), you can turn away from disastrous outcomes and find the treasure that marriage should bring. There are other directions to turn, but you have to take the initiative and get yourself moving.
Or, you can plan to fail by bolting in all those wrong, deer-like directions. As a human being, you have instinct, less intense and less dominating than the animal world owns. You also have logical thought, and the ability to love unconditionally, reason, discern, learn, break habits, work cooperatively, listen intently, and to see things from different perspectives. You have the Word to guide you.
But, you can destroy your marriage by doing any of the following as easily as you can do any of the underlined options listed in the last paragraph. Choose one or a combination:
- Forget to pray.
- Don't bother to learn what God has to say about marriage (Genesis 2, I Peter 3, Ephesians 5).
- Hold grudges.
- Build resentment about what he does/did that irks you.
- Tell your marriage issues to someone else mired in a similar situation.
- Tell your marriage issues to someone who has no godly advice and who encourages you to vent while offering her own horror stories.
- Wallow in self-pity. Feel good and sorry for YOU.
- Compare your husband to other husbands and feel even worse because others appear so qualified at the job.
- Talk about your husband to others in a derogatory or blaming way, poke fun at him ... jokingly.
- Focus on your husband's faults.
- Allow your mind to think, "If only he would _______," and fill in the blank with the actions, words or thoughts you want him to play out for you.
- Rehearse the wrongs he has done to you.
- Point out your husband's flaws to him, as they appear, so he can improve immediately. Dig up old ones, too. The man needs review, since he clearly hasn't improved.
- View your husband's needs as "picky" or "selfish", after all, he's not meeting yours, is he?
- Find excuses (other than true, physical inability) to NOT make love with your husband.
- Withhold affection because he doesn't comply with your wishes.
- Make a "How to Be a Good Husband" list and unload several items on him at one time.
- Interrupt him.
- When he brings up a need of his own, be sure to have reasons on the tip of your why they aren't really needs; play it down so it doesn't make you uncomfortable.
- When arguing, be sure to pound hard on all the things you have done for him that he hasn't bothered to notice.
- Don't put time, effort and thought into your marriage -- assume it will continue on without work
- Pay more attention to your kids (your friends, your family, your job) than to your husband.
- Don't honestly assess yourself as a wife using biblical sources (Bible, study book, godly friend).
- Don't look at yourself through a biblical lens, nor through the eyes of a stranger looking in on you, unbeknownst to you.
- Don't ask God to show you your faults, sins or shortcomings. Stay blind to them.
The innocent deer doesn't know how to proceed, but ... don't you?
One final thing: if you have anything to add to the list -- those little prideful things you hold dear or the big, sweeping assumptions that hold a man down and don't let him up for air, please share. When someone sees herself in one of these points, she may finally have found a place to start. It never hurts to share.
Linking with: Time Warp Wife, Cornerstone Confessions, Satisfaction Through Christ, The Bliss Diaries, GFC Blog Hop
