Working Marriage Overtime

Whew!  It's the end of the day.  You have worked, cooked, cleaned, monitored homework, refereed arguments, greeted your husband, talked about your day, solved problems, paid bills, loaded the dishwasher and now the day draws to a close.  You have hit your comfortable spot on the couch and don't want to move.  A cup of tea, your favorite television show or book.  Ahhh.  Relaxation, at last.

Then someone wants-needs-asks something more from you.  Ugh!  Really?

As a wife, as a mother, as a member of a family, you usually find a way to move from that comfy spot to assist as requested.  I would like to say I do so without grumbling, but at the end of one of those "I don't remember ever sitting down today" days, I have let out a little (a loud) complaint or shown some (a lot of) annoyance at the interruption.

Wife, mom, woman ... human.  Weakness happens.  We can't do everything, but usually, we can do more than we think, and definitely more than we want.  We should set aside self and serve those we love, whether that love be by vow and commitment or by birth, not to mention by the sharing of  human characteristics.

That means we put everyone else first, not just those who share our home, our family ties or our friendship. 

For now, we'll focus on the one to whom we have committed our love:  our husbands.


Give a Little Bit

Paul writes in Philippians 2:3-12

“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men."

Counting my husband as more significant than myself equates to selflessness as his mate in life.  Still working on it, I admit, but the trying counts!  Selflessness starts by giving little bits past what we feel like doing, and finding we can give a whole lot more.  Then, giving it. 

In marriage, selflessness means overlooking my desire to sit back and read all evening.  It means checking on the kids tucked in their beds when he asks.  It means staying awake, no matter how tired I am, while he finishes his bedtime routine so we can cuddle and talk before falling asleep. It means standing beside him as he works on home projects, ready to go-fer tools or  to assist as needed.  It means taking care of our home as close to his standards as possible ("House Beautiful" for him, "Country Living" for me) to ensure his comfort. It means knowing when to leave a party based on a twitch of his eyebrows because I see he has tired of social time and longs for home.  It means watching and listening for his return to our living space every evening to start it all over again.  Selflessness means anticipating, preferring, choosing, honoring, revering and focusing my efforts on him.  When I do, we both benefit.

In my case, selflessness also means enduring repetition -- his mainstay and my nemesis.  I do not do repetition well, I do not follow daily or weekly schedules, I fly by the seat of my pants most of the time.  Predictability in life gives my husband comfort, probably because so much of his day lies out of his control.  His comfort means my comfort.  And therein lies any reward I could want.

 Selflessness sits at the pinnacle of the Married Behavior "To Do" list.  If we live it, we will like it.  Taking on a selfless outlook does not mean I will lie across the threshold with "Welcome" printed across me, nor does it indicate giving myself to slavery or misuse in any way.  It means thinking of my husband's well being, his preferences, his desires and his overall needs, as well as the details of his life and being --- and focusing my attention on caring for him in and among those parameters.  It's care-taking of the utmost calling in marriage, and when done well and with an attitude of respect and love, it feels good, right and complimentary to me.  When done with even a hint of resentment, it feels hollow, incomplete and like a chore.


Working Overtime

Marriage takes work, a phrase that repeats often,and for good reason.  'Cause it's TRUE.  It sometimes takes every effort to maintain marriage.  It can require incredible amounts of energy to bring it back from the edge of calamity.  Marriage can demand extreme patience to reframe it with grace, mercy and the care required to pick out the weeds and nurture it as it struggles to grow against the pressures and distractions of the world. It commands every ounce of self-control we have to manage personalities and preferences and not lose sight of the goal.

And when I submits to what marriage requires of wives, I find much ... more ... ease.  Willingly working selflessly for my husband fulfills me, satisfies him, and we find joy, peace, mutual respect, and desire to keep doing more toward receiving the supremely gratifying outcomes of this most important work as a couple.

If I'm going to work overtime, I want it to be at marriage.  The payment I receive for my effort comes through increased intimacy (emotional, physical, mental and spiritual) with my husband, a closer walk with God, a more positive outlook on this life, and a framework for helping others along their own marriage pathways. 

Anyone see a negative anywhere?  If so, point it out, will you? 

What do you think about working for your marriage?  How does selflessness work for you?  Have you tried it?  What's your story?




 

Replacements Unlimited

You were married for keeps, weren't you?  I'm quite sure I didn't see a clause anywhere reading,
"... unless he fails to perform up to my standards and vice versa." There's also that saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."  I beg to differ on that one.  Every dog enjoys a reward!

Think about it in terms of how we live our married lives.  Why did we marry in the first place?  Because marriage is a reward in itself, isn't it?  It feels like the culmination of waiting, hoping and praying for "Mr. Right" in our lives.  It feels like the fulfillment of dreams.  It feels perfect.

That's where our first warning should come.  Dreams and perfection?  What a way to build a lifelong commitment.  We can err by praying to a god of our own manufacture, without realizing we have done it.  We don't set out to create an idol, but when we come into marriageable age and start thinking "until death us do part," some of us girls start conjuring images of "husband" in our heads and trying to meet that perfection in the form of an unsuspecting male example, hoping he'll feel we fit his image of "Miss Right."

It's the humanness of our marriages that cause the trouble.  Mr. Right has no more hope of living up to our expectations than we have of meeting his.  We construct a god in lieu of God, Himself.  We forget to pray, listen and act in God's will because we edit and revise that to fit our "right now" wants.  Not only do we want the reward of marriage, we want immediate gratification in it.  That may cause us a kind of buyer's remorse.  Why did I do this?  Did I make a mistake?

Even with our human sense of time leading the way, God uses it, and He doesn't make mistakes.  We make plenty of them, and once we leave the church with a Certificate of Marriage in our clutches, we just live happily ever after, and merrily go along ... our silly, mistake-making idol-worshippers.

Ahhhhh ... reality!

As our hope of perfection begins to crack and crumble, it helps to know that replacements are available.  Everything in marriage, except for the man and woman at the core of it, have replacement parts.  God has a plan, remember?  He knows what we need, and he provided it within the pages of the Bible ... we just have to look, read, study and implement.  We have a choice, we have free will.  We are not His puppets, though we are his creation.  He knows us, and he came prepared.

First, we need to understand that marriage has two forms: God's Model and the Human Model.

We can begin from the start with God's Model (perfect in theory and in practice ... when we remember to practice), or we can eke out an "in name only" married life full of chaos and strife that will never, no matter how many self-help books or counseling sessions we try, achieve anything close to perfection.  The latter is the Human Model (imperfect in theory and in practice ... two for two!).

Thank God for replacements.  In marriage, we have a lifetime guarantee, and in this case, lifetime means for the long haul ... really and for truly until death do you part.  Nothing else in this life can match it.

To make good on that guarantee, it means doing things God's way.

God's Model for marriage will:

- replace selfishness  with  selflessness, generosity and a servant's heart
- replace lies and deception  with   truth
- replace worry for the future  with  enduring hope through Christ
- replace disrespect and bad attitudes   with  respectfulness and a positive outlook
- replace assumption and regret   with  communication and positive action
- replace controlling behavior  with  submissiveness that honors and edifies (builds up)
- replace doubt and longing  with  trust and peace
- replace opinion  with  fact
- replace demands and expectations  with  a giving spirit grounded in outreach
- replaces domination  with  cooperation
- replaces fear  with  hope, God's promises, and the peace that transcends all understanding (faith)
- replaces jealousy  with  honor and reverence
- replaces anger  with  understanding and joy
- replaces quitting  with  persevering
- replaces negative  with  positive

The following verses give reference to just a few of the items available in the Bible for marriage replacement parts.  Ephesians and Corinthians have many notes to read on marriage.  Genesis provides the first example of marriage.  Try Proverbs, and of course, Song of Solomon (Songs).  When you seek God's Word for help, you will find it -- commit your work to the Lord and he will establish your plans (Proverbs 16:3).

If it is selfish, self-seeking or self-righteous, you won't find help with it in the Word.

  Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. ³Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:2-3

  Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent (acting with or showing care and thought for the future) wife is from the LORD.  (emphasis and definition added)

Proverbs 19:14

  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Pray and plan, plan and pray, and choose God's Model for your marriage, no matter how "old dog" you think you are.  You can't beat the replacement part guarantee.

When You Meet Christ on the Curb

Anyone may have witnessed the scene my son and I saw just an hour ago.  It happens on street corners, in parking lots and on sidewalks worldwide.  It happens so often passersby seem to have grown cold to it, which, I think makes desensitization look mild. 

Onlookers might judge the person's appearance as he stands in the frigid January evening wearing a grey hoodie and no coat or gloves.  He doesn't appear homeless or even all that needy.  What does needy or homeless look like, anyway?  Tattered?  Pale and unshaven?  Do his bones need to show for anyone to have sympathy for him?

My son and I think otherwise.  The young man's cardboard sign, bearing lopsided lettering and held against his chest, reads, "Father of two.  Lost job.  Need work, or anything you can do to help. God bless you." 

The young man stood on the curb opposite our lane of travel.  I felt that push I often feel when faced with someone in difficult circumstances, and I had my son with me to share the experience. I have missed opportunities before because of not wanting to humiliate anyone, or call attention to myself.  I need to get over it, now and completely.

We were on our way to pick up a pizza, my son's treat while his dad travels for business this week.  The pizza seemed utterly unimportant in the reflection of this young man's status.  Ordering a pizza, in light of someone else's need, certainly paints it in the right light.  Frivolous.  Wasteful.  Unnecessary. Self-indulgent. 

Making a turn into a parking area and entering the lane next to the man's chosen place on the curb, I handed my son a five dollar bill, the only note I had with me, and instructed him to open his window and offer it to the man.  My son's window slid down as we approached the spot on the curb where the sneakered feet stood, waiting.

I will never forget the sound of my son's innocent, hopeful voice as he called, "Here you go!" toward the young man.  I could not hear the man's response or see his face, but could sense he struggled to take the bill as he shifted his sign and spoke to my boy. 

I will never forget the sight of my son's face as he turned from the window, his eyes full of tears.  He couldn't tell me what the man had said to him until later, which was, "God be with you, young man.  Thank you."  It meant more than he knew it ever could mean before that moment.  At almost twelve years old, he has seen more and felt more and has begun to piece together the sadder realities of life.   This marked his first experience with this kind of need. 

I didn't try to explain the man's unknown circumstances, nor did I have to review with my son about God's presence everywhere.  Thank God ... my boy knows what he needs to know about his Heavenly Father and has made the choice to have Jesus in his heart. 

My son met Jesus on the curb.

Jesus said,

 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,  I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?  When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these, you did for me.’

~~Matthew 25:34-40

This event will burrow into my son's memory; a child who lacks for nothing every day of the week.  It illustrates for everyone that the blessings of food, clothing and shelter can disappear in the blink of an eye.  Christ comes closer each time we encounter life's disappointments, tragedies, suffering, illness, loss and struggles.  We can see him in faces, in the silent appeal of eye contact all around us as this world continues to drag its inhabitants to the edge of destruction. 

Don't hesitate in helping someone, no matter how little you can give or how small your gesture.  Don't leave Christ standing there on the curb looking forlorn and hopeless, wondering when someone might shed his selfish human nature as readily as He put on human flesh for us.

A wise old pastor of mine once said, "I always have a few bills or change handy, and I give to everyone I see on the street who asks.  I never want to miss anyone in real need ... to miss meeting Christ on the street."

What a great lesson to live.

Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing

It's Christmas time as I hit the third on the list of Ten Ways to Love.  One week until the day all of our Christmas giving hits the runway, unveiled for each recipient in a scattered havoc of boxes, bags, paper, ribbons and tags.

Give without sparing.

In tangible gift-giving, not sparing a cent or a thought or an opportunity happens without a lot of difficulty.  Sure, we sometimes second-guess our purchases or choices or spending limits, because tangible is finite.  The money we use has an end.  Material goods go only so far.

To give without sparing in marriage, or in family relationships, or in friendship, has a very important, very intangible reckoning for us.  We can't always see it coming from others (when it is) and others can't always see ours coming in their direction (when it is).

The Biblical focus of the lesson to Give without Sparing come from Proverbs 21:25-26 --

"The craving of a sluggard will be the death of him,

    because his hands refuse to work.

All day long he craves for more,

    but the righteous give without sparing."

Put this into the light of the day-to-day living of a husband and wife.  It sounds a little strange, this "craving of a sluggard" angle from Solomon -- the wisest man who ever lived.  Yet, when you view your husband, your children, your family, your friends as "needy" or "wanting" or as stated here, "craving," and you, the sole giver ... you martyr yourself.  You become the judge of those you should love with all your heart, rather than suppose and assume and discipline toward the right.  Your right.  

Giving without sparing has nothing to do with gifts and mementos.  It has nothing to do with greeting cards, pokes, pins or tweets.  Status updates hold no importance when it comes to sparing nothing in love.  Giving without sparing has everything to do with selflessness and putting oneself into a judgment-free zone.  It means giving of yourself -- your time, your thought, your work, your energy, your sensitivity, your planning, your hopes, your tolerance, your acceptance, your prayers, your talents, your patience, your joy, and your heart to your God and your husband.  Good things will filter down to your children from the top, and you will bless other family and friends with the peace and understanding you begin to develop through focusing on your Top Two.

To give, selflessly and fully, makes the greatest gift of all.  Material possessions and the pull they have on our Want List will dwindle when our hearts fill, instead, with focused, purposeful acts of love.

Love is the only thing you get more of by giving it away. ~~Tom Wilson

Love.  Let us give more of it!



Others in this series:

• Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
• Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
• Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
• Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
• Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting 
• Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
• Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
• Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering