Comparison Is the Thief of Joy

"Comparison is the thief of joy," a quote attributed to Theodore Roosevelt, covers a lot of space.  Whether applied to physical shape, home, lifestyle, marriage, children, job, vacation plans or distance traveled in a faith walk, people of all ages, races and social status compare themselves to their fellow men and commence lining it all up in specific and exacting order, then measuring ... comparing.  The tools each person uses for measuring differ, but all share something: the stressful feeling stemming from our inability to measure up.

The human race seems compelled to compare everything.

Enter Valentine's Day.

My husband and I will exchange cards.  Always do.  We may each have a gift tucked away fro the other, but not always.  We "don't celebrate" Valentine's Day ... officially ... kind of ... in a way.  We don't ever miss the card exchange.
Confusing, isn't it?

 It has to do with not wanting to disappoint each other, I think.  A little dose of loving words (shared by a few thousand other couples) never hurts, and the gesture alone feels right.  We set out to card shop with the nature of our relationship in mind.  We choose a card with love in our hearts, not with pressure to perform in our brains.  Big difference!

As always, we will enjoy a home-grilled steak dinner and Red Velvet cake, and add support to the four pillars of marriage: the intellectual, the spiritual, the emotional and the physical aspects of our relationship.

Ta-dahhhh!  This completes our Valentine's Day. It serves as plenty of celebration for us, not to mention we will have leftover cake. And when anyone asks about it, I happily note it was just what we wanted. 'Cause it always is just that.

Once upon a time, I felt envious of "Valentine Propaganda" -- those tokens of love advertised as the end-all, be-all of love.   I believed the deception that a truly loving husband would cover all or most of those bases, like a Love Checklist. I ached for a bouquet of flowers at my desk and for a surprise drive to a special restaurant or ... something.  I focused my Valentine thoughts through a filter of the world's expectations and through the advertisement of what love looks like, materially.

Love does not look like flowers, candy, food or dress-up clothes.  Love does not look like lingerie or talking greeting cards.  Love looks like a million things that no one person can list, and that no one can measure.  Love, in each of our hearts, feels unique.  It reflects our individuality.  It cannot measure up to a relative's or friend's brand of it.  It doesn't match the advertisement for a local jewelry store or candy shop.

Love looks like your first date, your first kiss, every date you shared before you engaged for marriage.  Love looks like your wedding day full of hope and dreams of a future together.  Love looks like arguments that you settled well, and those you didn't, but survived anyway.  Love looks like wrong turns that God brought back full circle.  Love looks like mistakes that helped you learn more about yourself and your husband.  Love looks like the circle of your husband's arms and the imprint of his kiss.  Love looks like tip-toeing by his chair when he has fallen asleep after a long day, and making sure you feed the kids early and wait to eat with him when he's late coming home from work.  Love looks like giving in on little issues and learning to cooperate on larger ones.  Love looks like tears shed out of frustration that you can't seem to understand each other, and tears again when you do finally understand.  Love looks like working it all out through the years, no matter what.

Love cannot advertise itself.  God invented it and showed it to his people all the time.  Giving is love.  Receiving gracefully is love.  Love is a great number of things that never appear in commercials prior to February 14, because no couple shares the same love, and no couple ever will.

Comparing your love and marriage to anyone or anything else will only continue to thwart any forward motion you make.  "If only ..." and "But, what about so-and-so's husband who did ..." and "I wish he would just ..." serve only to compare.  You may definitely have unmet needs, but comparing "theirs and ours" or "hers and mine" for purposes of discovering what's missing in your marriage will never help.  I guarantee that this kind of behavior will serve only to hurt and divide.

Make a deal with yourself this Valentine's Day -- that you will not think about what the day holds, or what you hope for, or what you want, or what might happen.  Take what comes, or what doesn't, and look deeply at what love really is in your heart and marriage.  Pay no attention to advertising, to what you see around town, or to friends' rehashing of the day -- focus on you and yours.

Then, make plans to continue adding to what love looks like for the two of you, every day, no matter what the box on the calendar shows.  Every day can look like Valentine's Day.


Linking up this 13th day of February with:  Wifey Wednesday, Encourage Your Spouse, What I Learned, Domestic Bliss Diaries, Works for Me Wednesday

Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing

It's Christmas time as I hit the third on the list of Ten Ways to Love.  One week until the day all of our Christmas giving hits the runway, unveiled for each recipient in a scattered havoc of boxes, bags, paper, ribbons and tags.

Give without sparing.

In tangible gift-giving, not sparing a cent or a thought or an opportunity happens without a lot of difficulty.  Sure, we sometimes second-guess our purchases or choices or spending limits, because tangible is finite.  The money we use has an end.  Material goods go only so far.

To give without sparing in marriage, or in family relationships, or in friendship, has a very important, very intangible reckoning for us.  We can't always see it coming from others (when it is) and others can't always see ours coming in their direction (when it is).

The Biblical focus of the lesson to Give without Sparing come from Proverbs 21:25-26 --

"The craving of a sluggard will be the death of him,

    because his hands refuse to work.

All day long he craves for more,

    but the righteous give without sparing."

Put this into the light of the day-to-day living of a husband and wife.  It sounds a little strange, this "craving of a sluggard" angle from Solomon -- the wisest man who ever lived.  Yet, when you view your husband, your children, your family, your friends as "needy" or "wanting" or as stated here, "craving," and you, the sole giver ... you martyr yourself.  You become the judge of those you should love with all your heart, rather than suppose and assume and discipline toward the right.  Your right.  

Giving without sparing has nothing to do with gifts and mementos.  It has nothing to do with greeting cards, pokes, pins or tweets.  Status updates hold no importance when it comes to sparing nothing in love.  Giving without sparing has everything to do with selflessness and putting oneself into a judgment-free zone.  It means giving of yourself -- your time, your thought, your work, your energy, your sensitivity, your planning, your hopes, your tolerance, your acceptance, your prayers, your talents, your patience, your joy, and your heart to your God and your husband.  Good things will filter down to your children from the top, and you will bless other family and friends with the peace and understanding you begin to develop through focusing on your Top Two.

To give, selflessly and fully, makes the greatest gift of all.  Material possessions and the pull they have on our Want List will dwindle when our hearts fill, instead, with focused, purposeful acts of love.

Love is the only thing you get more of by giving it away. ~~Tom Wilson

Love.  Let us give more of it!



Others in this series:

• Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
• Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
• Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
• Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
• Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting 
• Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
• Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
• Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing 
• Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering 

It IS More Blessed to Give than to Receive

How many days until Christmas?  By our children's count, we have 14 sleeps left until Old Saint Nick slips down the chimney and deposits presents beneath our Christmas tree. By my calculations, there will never be enough time.  Time to plan thoroughly (I revel in the planning, which I think produces the magic and excitement), time to sit back and enjoy once we wrap all the gifts and bake all the goodies, and time to enjoy the opening and eating of the same. 

I anticipate the anticipation.  Christmas Day, in itself, lets me down kind of hard. The planning has peaked and played out into piles of discarded boxes and corralled balls of crumpled gift wrap. 

From the first toss of coins into a Salvation Army kettle to the last gift given, the Christmas Season fills with moments to reach out to others.  The pinnacle of giving spreads throughout a 3-week period, and gives me a satisfaction that doesn't compare to any other time of year.  I can't imagine what it would feel like to reverse the process -- to receive at every opportunity, instead. 

Paul wrote in Acts 20:35:

"In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive."

It is.  No contest.

I'm sure that the meaning of the verse has to do with personal satisfaction in doing something for others, yet I believe, too, that it reflects on what God would have us do and that in the doing of those good things He blesses us with a satisfaction in our spirit and mind -- and that feeling, alone, can encourage us to continue giving.

Our children have hit the spot on which they feel more divided about the giving/receiving issue.  They have wishes firmly planted, the visions of sugarplums dance in their heads, and they will squeal, giggle and jump for joy at the sight of gifts on Christmas morning.  Yet, they have entered a phase of independence -- choosing and paying for gifts with their own money -- that gives them that sense of satisfaction from thinking of others wants and needs, and their focus has begun to shift
.
Marriage is no different in regard to the shifting of focus from my wants and needs to those of my husband.  My mission, according to my wedding vows, is to focus on him.  It's easy the first time out, and for quite some time after the wedding ring encircles the third finger, left hand.  For most of us, though, it takes a bit more effort to maintain that stance.  Many of us get to the place of feeling completed by the selfish desire to receive after years of real life hitting us and wanting contentment in our circumstances again without having to work at it.  What better way than to feel endless acceptance and loving action from our husband?

Without some rain, the well runs dry.

So, the best lesson to learn is TO GIVE.  When we give of ourselves from the depths of our hearts we don't stop to think of the pay-off.  When we focus on our husband's needs and learn his wants, we have something to work for in meeting them to the best of our ability.

Every day of our lives we find opportunities to give.  We cannot, however, give in -- to the demands of life that distract us from our marriage, to the whims of fancy that make us want more of what the world offers (comparing ourselves by way of social activities and social media) and thereby deflecting focus from our husbands in a way that substitutes those activities for concentrated time with him, and to the possibility that, hey ... maybe I deserve more in this relationship ... selfishness instead of selflessness.

What we deserve is to give to the one we have right beside us, the one to whom we vowed, promised and took to be our lawfully wedded husband -- forsaking all others, until death.

Those (vows) are fighting words.  Use them wisely. Fight for your marriage whether it's wonderful or on the skids.  Every ounce of energy you put toward it will come back to you in a variety of ways.  You'll know it when you feel it.  Give.  And when you're done giving, give some more!