Does hearing a child use a respectful phrases, such as "please," "thank you," or "excuse me," cause you to stop in surprise, and maybe even say out loud, "Oh, how nice!"? Then, do you feel all panicky, realizing you just felt shocked . . .
by good manners?
A mainstay of society, the respect many of us have taken for granted all our lives, appears to have diminished to an alarming degree at an alarming rate. Some evidence to support this lack of human decency, common courtesy -- the absence of respect -- comes in the form or road rage, violent acts reported on the news every day, rising rates of bullying and hate crimes, as well as in the divorce rate. Lack of respect seems to have taken a top spot in "Hallmarks of Society". Or am I just wearing my cynical-colored goggles?
My husband and I raise our children to use polite language, not always offering explicit instruction, but using it ourselves and expecting the same from those around us. By "expecting," I mean, "hoping to hear it in turn or in kind." We don't always hear it at home, but we hear about their decency and kindness from others, which, as most parents know, counts for a lot. The families we know teach their children similarly. We try to surround ourselves with Christian influence, people of faith and good character.
Yet, in many situations, those polite-minded children omit the words and actions they know, sometimes acting as if they never learned them. This irksome occurrence happens because world they live in, outside our realm of expectation and teaching, does not require them to comply with our teaching or offer many instances for follow-up lessons by coaches, teachers or other adults who have not been quieted by lax social standards.
Twenty-first Century children often do not hold doors for others, don't excuse themselves when passing in front of another person, don't allow others to go first, and don't give up a seat for an elder. These social mores have fallen into a category called "Old-Fashioned". Can you feel my ire getting up? Old-fashioned? Respectfulness can never go out of fashion and allow rudeness to rule.
Respectfulness comes from within, from the heart. A person can learn it and choose to either internalize it (make it real and purposeful) or sport it (use it when deemed helpful, like a magic trick to amaze and mystify). Whether from heredity or environment, respectfulness makes the difference between what we really feel and what we think we should feel. It's a way of life or an act. Romans
12:10 reminds us, Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;
Our courteous actions and words should flow easily, toward those around us, simply out of respect to other humans, other lives.
When did our society decide that going against the grain seemed a good and right? When did questioning of authority -- all authority -- take precedence over a sense of community? When did we leave behind our words of kindness, deeds of heart-felt service and thoughts of decency for whatever popular, indulgent, selfish activity rolls past and waves at us?
Some point to the 1960's and the Feminist Movement, with the fight for equality between men and women raging and providing a win-lose outcome for marriage, family, and the workplace. Then, we have the 1970's, during which new parents flouted the stringent discipline of their upbringings for a softer, more lenient parenting style, and more and more women entered the work force. More and more marriages dissolved, too. Forward to the 1980's with Time-Out discipline, offering 2-year olds a chance to contemplate their wrongdoing and to go forth and keep on biting in lieu of a talking to or (gasp!) a swat on the backside to deter the improper behavior. More working parents, more divorce. Hmmmm. Don't lose track of the 1990's, during which time more children began to grow up in daycare settings than ever before, coming home to parents who weren't in touch with them enough to understand their baby talk, their personalities or their needs, and who had no time or energy to handle them after long days at work, if they enjoyed a nuclear (2-parent) family at all. And now, 21st Century life provides all of these plus electronics to suit every whim, further dividing our time, our patience and our understanding of the difference between want and need.
Our culture needs to take serious stock of itself and decide where it can start plugging in some of the brotherly love it has lost, and to experience the outward effects of giving preference to others over self.
When those things happen, and they can, the abundance of good manners will overflow. The decency of people lives inside each individual, but without motivation and cultivation, the human side of us beats it down in deference to selfish indulgences and more "me-me-me" ways of seeing the world.
We can do it. We are all Little Engines That Could, we need only try, and then watch the sparks fly.
Was back in Ipoh for a memorable weekend for my alma mater's Centennial Reunion Dinner, what a blast. Julie Song from Indulgence "instructed" me to visit her new place called "burps&giggles" (its exactly behind the famous Kong Heng, house of mirrors, in old town).
