The question of opposite-sex friendship keeps rising. Between e-mail questions and Internet searches, it's getting bigger, more people have questions about it, more people ask,
"Is it okay to have opposite-sex friends once you marry?"
The number of queries on the topic utters a collective, "I'm unsure about this."
Is it right or wrong? If you have a husband, do you keep the boy friend as a go-to? If you have married, do you keep the male pals? Should your husband have girl friends call and touch base with them on his off time? Should he have a go-to girl aside from you?
Best answer: no.
In considering the time and effort involved in developing the emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical aspects of marriage, how does an opposite-sex friend enhance the husband-wife bond? Does it enhance it, or does it divide or cut small pieces from it? The phrase we hear in marriage ceremonies addressing this is "put asunder."
The word "asunder" means to divide, break into pieces, break, apart from each other, into parts.
Mark 10:9 states, "What God has joined together, let no one put asunder." That's no man, no woman, nobody.
Male-female, or opposite-sex friendship in a marriage relationship, defies biblical logic, and the verses that tell us how to act in our marriage relationship are not only simple and short, they get to the point.
Beginning in Genesis (the beginning), chapter 2, verses 23-24 read,
"The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man.
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."
Paying close attention to the second verse (the point), some Bible translations state, "cleave to his wife," which makes the understanding clearer and stronger. As husband and wife, we are to bond, cleave, connect, unite, become one. How does a husband or wife connect fully with a spouse when another opposite-sex person has a spot on the perch, too? When your heart reaches out to another of the opposite sex in a caring way, without including your mate completely, you have stopped bonding, cleaving, connecting, uniting and becoming one with only one man. There just isn't any other way to see it, except that many people feel that this kind of "extracurricular" relationship sits on the list of their rights as human beings.
Most certainly, you have a right to choose. Choose to have a husband with whom you build a life, or stay single and enjoy friendship with other men. You cannot have both happily.
"HA!" you say.
Intimate Relationships Change Friendship
Though unmarried, in college, I was the "gal pal" to a group of guys. They picked me up at my dorm to walk to the dining hall for meals. They walked to class with me and we purposely registered for elective courses together. We danced at music events, saw movies and took walks around campus and around town. We studied at the library, shared our thoughts about the future and our experiences in faith. Usually two or more of them and me, but sometimes one-on-one, just hanging around for a while, joking, shooting the breeze, doing nothing in particular. We visited at each other's homes during school breaks. I had a great time. I felt no pressure for anything more than good, solid friendship. Then, after two years of chumminess, the guys started pairing off with other women. I didn't fit and I knew it. It felt lonely, even crushing at times. The other women had top billing, and I represented a threat to their relationship-building because I could distract those gentlemen from what was really important at that time -- building a relationship that meant more intimacy on all levels than I would provide. Inside, I just knew. I felt ousted from a place I enjoyed and felt comfortable, and that meant hurt and confusion for a while for me. I had fulfilled my purpose as a very close friend and had slid in the ranking to a mix of common acquaintance and schoolmate. Friendly, but not close and constant.
If I had tried to keep my status, continuing to join in usual activities, I would have driven a wedge or poked the relationships with a stick. Any insistence on further inclusion would have infiltrated in a negative way. My emotional bonds with the men didn't go further than laughter and some great discussions, but those same innocent doings represented danger to them in their dating relationships.
We send Christmas cards now. Have been for 22 years, and the only information we share involves what we're doing with our spouses and children. These make the only worthy subjects between adults where any one of them holds the title of "married person". When a man and woman enter into a courtship or dating relationship, other friends take a back seat. Friendships may change in depth and distance, and some lose their appeal completely. Why? Because in a male-female relationship the heart and mind change to accommodate new thoughts and feelings and to engage in the relationship fully -- to the exclusion of others in many ways. When sharing of emotions begins, hearts soften and include that person differently, as a most important person. Perhaps an MIP, as opposed to a VIP. Many people in life have "very important" status, but only one human in a married relationship holds that "most important" place.
Forsaking all others ... we vow it, and with good reason. With a marriage involved, forsaking all others is the only way to ensure that you will grow intimacy and protect it from all sides.
See and Be Seen
Opposite-sex friendship can easily -- very, very, startlingly easily -- turn to more than occasional sharing of interests, basic conversation and a cup of coffee. When it turns to secret phone calls/video calls, password-protected environments and feelings of uneasiness/disgust/irritation/disdain with your actual, vow-covered spouse, you need to sincerely evaluate what you're doing. Stop it, throw it in reverse and get outta there. Ask forgiveness of God and use the grace and mercy He shows you to rejuvenate the relationship with your husband. For better or for worse means everything.
Ephesians 5:21 makes another point for strong union that doesn't leave room for interlopers as it reads,
"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."
Submit? Not enslavement here, but an incomparable, amazing, all-encompassing give-and-take, loving and respectful relationship with the one I pledge my life to ... until death. I can't pledge my life to my husband and have another man on the side to share in activities that leave my husband out or that have me sharing secrets or feelings or inner thoughts and hopes ... which is intimacy, my friend. If you're sharing intimate moments -- having nothing to do with physical love, but feelings, thoughts and hopes -- with another man, you have lost your target. Set your sights correctly and don't take your eyes off the target. Your husband is IT. Look no further. If you are, your aimlessness will have you ending up with nothing. Self-control. Use it.
The Final Question
The question isn't, "Is it okay to have opposite-sex friends after marriage?" The question is,
"Do you want to be married, or not?"
There you have it. You cannot have your cake and eat it, too. You cannot have it all. You cannot have the relationship God ordained and have another man (or more) on the side, too.
The only thing your husband and other men should share is a Y chromosome. You, as a wife, are off the friendship market. You, your husband and another man? Go skiing, take a hike, play golf, have conversation, go to dinner. No problem. You and the other man? Nope. Go find some diversions with your husband. He isn't your last resort or your only option, but he is the only safe haven in the world of men for you, his wife.
What concerns do you have with opposite-sex friendship? Do you agree or disagree with the need to cleave, leaving others behind? Share your feelings and experiences ... a large number of people want to know!
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