Humour 101

This is largely a repost (with some updates) of some smart-ass definition for financial jargon. Had to do it for the benefit of newer readers of the blog. Some of them are copied and some courtesy of my twisted sense of humour.

EBITDA
Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor

EBIT
Earnings Before Irregularities and Tempering

Top-Down Investing
People with a bit of economics knowledge but scared shitless about accounting

Bottom-Up Investing
People who knows a bit about accounting but hates fiction

Unusual Market Activity
Something the management and directors always know NOTHING about

Averaging Down Investing
When you totally ignore the fact that you were wrong in the first instance

Doubling Up Investing
Making doubly sure that you are more than fully-invested when the stock eventually tanks

CEO
Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO
Chief Fraud Officer

Second Board
What Second Board???

Margin Account
Shorter rope, tighter noose

Hedge Funds
"Institutionalised" margin accounts

NAV
Normal Andersen Valuation

NPAT
Never Pay Any Tax

EPS
Eventual Prison Sentence

Federal Reserve Board
Bank of Japan on Prozac

Equity Research
As useful as yesterday's newspaper

Equity Analysts
Hopes no one discovers how average they are

Fund Managers
Sponges off the brains of analysts and strategists and call it their own

Unit Trusts & Mutual Funds
People who hope & pray that investors don't realize that more than 90% of them cannot outperform their respective indices

Chartists & Quants With Trading Programs
People who have given up trying to understand the stock markets

Short Term Investor
Someone who is in-and-out within 3 days or less

Long Term Investor
A short term investor who cannot get out profitably after 3 days

Bull Market
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

Bear Market
A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex

Off Balance Sheet Items
More important than items in the balance sheet, and represent things that really should be in the balance sheet

Momentum Investing
The fine art of buying high and selling low with the crowd

Value Investing
The art of buying low and selling lower

P/E ratio
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing

Remisier
Someone who should have kept their previous job

Investor Protection
Padded walls in broking halls

Market Correction
The day after you buy stocks

Cash Flow
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet

Institutional Investor
Past year investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse

Economist
Someone who tells you why their predictions went wrong after every quarter, and proceeds to give a confident prediction for the next 3 quarters

Bursa Pursuit
Honing the art of trading warrants with less than 10 days to expiry

Bursa, Lion & Berjaya
Average but lucky buggers

China A-Shares
"A" for astronomical & absurd

HK H-shares
"H" for hapless & hibernating

Chinese Covered Warrants
Only type of China dolls approved by the wives

CDOs
Things you didn't know or understood 6 months ago

Super Link Houses
Things that didn't exist a year ago