I dream ... perchance to sleep?

It's 2:45 a.m. Do you know where I am?

In peri-menopause, apparently. Sounds exotic. I wish. I'm officially self-diagnosed, pretty sure that lots of my heart palpitations/arrhythmias come from this likely source, and hate that a night or so of my sleep finds itself forsaken for the tangible heartbeats and jolts of adrenaline I feel as I try to fall asleep. I know I could fall asleep if not for the irksome, irritating blasts from the ol' ticker, coupled with the feelings of anxiety that bring on small panic attacks at the thought that my heart may race off without me.

According to my history, my heart very well might go off to the races, unannounced. Two years ago, I had a bout with atrial fibrillation, as diagnosed by a cardiologist after an episode lasting more than 12 hours, during which my heart raced along between 129 and 180 beats per minute without stopping for a breath. The doctors assured me that I would have this again, because once it happens it doesn't go away.

I remain unconvinced. I still believe I have a mainly hormone-driven difficulty and that I'm not too young for it, converse to what everyone in the medical field likes to assure me. According to them, I also have a place at the lowest end of the curve for atrial fibrillation, yet they cling to that diagnosis. Why? It's easier to label and they think they have it pegged because a heart monitor showed hours' worth of irregular, fast beats. Hormones do not track so easily.

Hormones like to play hide and seek, and from what I've read, they are really good at hiding. Women come off as "crazies" for listing their symptoms, for when they have tests done to determine hormone levels the little guys won't come out to play. Women have it so easy, see?

Harumph.

So, I sit here, 3:52 a.m., wondering when I'll get to fall asleep. Probably long about 5:30 a.m., about an hour before a small boy at our house decides morning has broken. Today does not look bright and shiny for me on that front. The forecast calls for rain. Blah. The offspring here will bicker and brawl for lack of ability to romp in the great outdoors and I will feel the urge to both fall to the floor in an immediate deep sleep as well as to mediate (however unsuccessfully) the cage fight that will most likely premier just before lunch time and continue its rounds throughout the afternoon.

I dream of sleep while wide awake ... right here, right now.

Good night ... for you, at least!