I asked my husband to handle the trip to the hospital because the man accepts no nonsense when it comes to serious things like injuries and hospitals or children's obedience and respect, or handling wrong-doing. He sees things in black and white in those aspects of life. I know that in his care, our son took on a braver state of mind, didn't cry at little things, and used his masculine strengths to get through this as he mirrored his father's behavior. They also bonded in a different way, and enlarged our son's ability to get through a difficult experience with different strength.
Had I joined them, the boy would have managed more tears, a less mature state of mind and would look to me for the answers the doctor asked of him rather than try to answer for himself. Mom handles the technical details, right? I knows what hurts, how to read the expression on his face to determine how much pain and anxiety he feels. I have had my eye on this boy since before he entered the world, and I know too much. I'll say more than I should and explain procedures he'd rather keep in the dark. Just get it over with, already ... just like his dad.
Consequently, I asked my husband to use his strength in taking on this ER excursion. He understood completely.
He takes care of any blood-letting injuries better, his, mine and the kids'. I feel queasy at the sight of my own flesh and blood not holding itself together. Don't even mention wiggling and pulling loose teeth to me. Blech! Blah! That's his area. He takes on the challenge, fixes it or finds someone to do it when he feels it beyond his realm of ability.
I take care of sickness of the body, mind and heart. I receive the middle-of-the-night bedside visits from feverish or tummy-aching children. I counsel the hurting soul who felt left out at a party or who felt ridicule by age mates at school. I also help children review the missed answers on tests, even when the teacher already has, so they will understand the lesson next time. I understand, empathize and console.
He has more physical and logical/linear thought strength than I have, and helps with math homework without anxiety or having to consult the textbook examples for every step. He teaches the kids to pound nails and use power tools. I, on the other hand, have a pull toward the creative and non-linear, as well as a surplus of emotional receptors and connectors that allow me to engage in perception, intuition and problem-solving of a different kind. I help with English and writing homework and teach the kids to cook and bake.
He kills the big spiders, disposes of trapped mice, sends the neighbor's dog home, and tells cold-calling telemarketers, "No, thanks," without listening to their whole sales pitch politely. He doesn't buy magazines, candles or candy bars just because cute little kids knock on the door to sell them -- he sends them to me to make the purchase or to decline.
He and I swap roles from time to time, but no matter what comes along in life, I depend on him to be the strong one when I am weak. I let him know how thankful I am for it, too -- because I have learned how important it is for a husband to hear about his strengths. Men, from what I have learned in reading and studying about them, have what amounts to a little devil on one shoulder than sends messages of condemnation and negativity. Such ludicrous messages as, "You're not good enough," and, "What makes you think you're qualified to do that?" sit right outside their ears, ready to whisper and remind at every opportunity for the man to show his strength, to take charge as he should, and to make him second-guess himself.
I notice that when I thank my husband, encourage him, and applaud him, his strength multiplies. He doesn't see it, so it's my job to show and tell him about it, as well as those around me. I am my husband's greatest fan. And you ... you should be the greatest fan your husband has ever known, even if, for any reason, he's low on your list of favorite people right now. The other day, I suggested to Do Something Extreme, and today's focus runs right along beside it, hand in hand in the field of marital healing and intimacy. You must be your husband's greatest fan, his source of applause and appreciation, and you need, need, NEED to tell him so through compliments, encouragement and praise. He needs those things like he needs air to breathe. He needs respect from his wife. That's you.
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. ~~Ephesians 5:33
For years, I assumed my husband knew where his strengths lay, and which ones I depend on so much. I took for granted his spider-killing and his ability to wash and bandage a cut finger that makes my knees weak just remembering it -- both the bleeding finger and my missing a chance to notice his abilities out loud. His skills in carpentry, electrical circuits and plumbing come naturally, and I enjoyed them without his knowing how much. He speaks his mind clearly and honestly, and I did not realize the importance of that. He went about his business, going to work everyday without fanfare or glory, and I went about mine, thinking he knew what I thought and how I felt.
Men do not read minds any better than women do. They do assume, though, as we do, and that means lots of incorrect and inaccurate thinking going on between the two of us. We need to speak the language he needs to hear, and that is through encouragement of his strengths and good qualities. Interestingly, those positives increase the more we notice them. You can't miss, but you may need to dredge up the effort to do it in the first place. Marital discord buries positive thoughts -- take the time to dig for them, scrub and shine them and bring them back to their rightful place in the forefront of your mind.
How differently he acts and reacts when I notice his skills and good qualities out loud, and with a hug or kiss or both ... and a smile. I smile a lot, I notice, because my husband has a lot to offer. He has an unmatched sense of humor, which I benefit from each day I live with the man. My laughter or caught-off-guard smile should show him his own success, but I tell him, "You're funny, you know, " and make other comments that point to his off-beat and quick-witted sense of humor. Because without the words of encouragement, he doubts himself and dwells on that. It's a guy thing. Do the girl thing and pepper him with your noticing of his amazingness! Recognize his strengths often and with flair.
When my dear man knows I appreciate something about him, he seems to nurture and grow that area. Lately, he has budded in the area of home improvement projects, hence, our son's injury in helping with one. My husband helps with supper preparation almost every night, and I won't let that go unnoticed for a second. I even stop what I'm doing to watch, chat a little bit, and handle this or that nearby -- just for the ability to work side-by-side with him, rather than thinking of him as underfoot or impeding my progress at getting a meal on the table.
Rather than think of your husband as a hindrance to your success ... or to meeting your needs, recognize his strengths. Tell him how important his abilities are in your life, and in the life of your family. Physical, intellectual, spiritual and emotional ... hit them all if you can. If you have trouble seeing, ask God for help -- he knows what they are, and will point them out to you!
Praying for you ...
No comments:
Post a Comment