Listen without interrupting. SMACK! Right between the eyes. I have grown impatient through the years, which does not surprise me, but it does disappoint me. As a person with a teacher's temperament and view of life, I have patience for children. Maybe not mine, but those of others. When it comes to adults -- poof! -- no patience left in the coffers. Gone. Kaput. Zero balance. Let's call it a deficit, for the sake of accuracy.
The first instruction for "Ten Ways to Love" speaks loudly to me. How about you? Do you feel a nudge? I have to stop and remember how hard a lesson this is for me, having succumbed to finishing sentences for the man who shares life with me -- an endearing thing in the courting phase, but really, when does it stop? When does the man have a chance to think and feel for himself without his wife nodding and chomping at the bit to race to the finish line of his thoughts ... his contribution?
I review this lesson often. I have not mastered it, nor have I earned more than a "C", I think. It might be the one thing God knows I need most, and that I will have to put forth great effort to persevere and maybe -- I hope -- overcome. I imagine how it feels for God to watch one of His children finally get it. To have the light bulb finally burn brightly and stay lit for a change, rather than watch that child returning to the darkness to continue struggling. As a parent myself, I know how this feels. When I see that glimmer of hope drowned by a return to the norm -- the thoughtless, easy, habitual, learned way, I feel troubled and confused by my child's inability to see and feel the difference -- the good -- in turning in the right direction.
The verse corresponding to this Love Lesson lives in Proverbs 18:1, and I have added two verses to round it out and, I hope, give clarity.
Proverbs 18:1-2 An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels. Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.
Add to these Proverbs 18:13:To answer before listening — that is folly and shame.Bam! Bam! Bam! Square on the head. That's what these verses did to me. Foolish, opinionated to a fault, quarrelsome, full of folly and shame. I didn't have a leash on my desire to guide and assist. Instead, I appeared as Controller and Dictator. Never good descriptors for oneself. While I denied fitting those definitions, I also did not see how my goals of retaining status quo and smooth sailing (which eluded me, of course) affected my family negatively. Along with that, as with any other bad habit, my inability to listen without interrupting fed itself. The more I did it, the more I did it!
To listen to a spouse, a child, a relative, a friend, or a stranger, and to give him the respect involved in getting thoughts out of his brain and into the atmosphere through the human act of speech seems simple enough. The difficulty enters when that speech involves the listener in ways that make her uncomfortable, either because the words point out flaws (eek!) or because they do not align with her perception of peace and harmony. I had a hard time seeing my errors because I did not adopt a "my way or the highway" stance, and so I deemed myself flexible. I had no hard line, I did not crack the whip or require anyone to toe the line. Yet, I had answers even when no one asked a question and suggestions when no one offered a box for collecting them.
I was a wreck, but couldn't see the damage I caused. Seeing myself through another's eyes did not happen for me for a long time. Through the grace of God and with my husband as his messenger, I see now. A person must break down her own barriers of self-perception and take a long, hard look at the reality of her life in order to see herself -- to really see herself. We like to paint ourselves differently, even in our own heads. However, when the dream world of the painting infringes on the reality of life, a girl has to snap to it. Come to terms with YOU, deal with YOU, and stop putting your needs or wants ahead of the rest.
Listening without interrupting creates harmony. It showers others with respect. It brings peace. It probably will not maintain status quo because it will allow for new ideas and will bring depth to "the usual". As for smooth sailing, the waters run deeper and wider when other people have a voice, when I stop trying to think for everyone and stop deciphering what someone might have said, meant to say or didn't say correctly. Listening without interrupting brings intimacy between people, allowing the flow of thoughts and feelings, and the sharing of opinions and perceptions. It allows for truth instead of guesses, for facts instead of suppositions. To listen without interrupting allows for real life to take place.
Listening without interrupting opens deaf ears and also gives clearer vision. The foolish may find wisdom, and their folly may turn to success when they open their ears ... and their hearts ... to others. Remaining stolidly on the path of "having a say" leads to more destruction and disappointment. Anger and struggle take prime positions instead of peaceful interaction and cooperation winning the top spots in relationships.
Let us have lots of listening. As the saying goes, we have two ears and one mouth so that we will listen more than we speak.
Other posts in this series:
- Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
- Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
- Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
- Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
- Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting
- Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
- Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
- Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing
- Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing
- Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering
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