The gift lists ten loving acts and a corresponding Bible verse to illustrate it. My kind of gift: strong emotion mixed with education and a little research! My husband also admitted wanting to see happy tears, which he felt quite sure this gift would produce. He knows how to manage that really well and doesn't abuse it. I'm easy when it comes to crying during emotional experiences. Any one of my family knows to toss the box of tissues my way when Hallmark greeting card commercials begin to air at Christmas time, and I'm a weepy mess during "The Blind Side." The list goes on.
Anyway, My Dear Man had the idea for this months ago, and with a lot of thought and requests for assistance from various sources, finally found a way to make it happen.
The gift hangs in our kitchen, right at the door to our family room -- where we do most of our living and where we need the most reminding about how to love. When the chips are down, we don't always play our cards right, letting stress, emotions and old habits get in the way. Every man, woman and child in this family fails from time to time, and I'll wager the same holds true in every home around the globe.
I love this gift. I love even more that he made it for me, and chose a subject that we have worked and worked to learn, over many years, through many mistakes and over a span of darkness that could have swallowed us, but didn't because we let God intervene. The lessons listed on this heart-made and heart-felt gift keep love in line. If we do each of them purposefully, without looking for recognition or reciprocation (in other words, acting SELFLESSLY), we will achieve the intimacy in our marriage that we crave.
Intimacy = mental+spiritual+emotional+physical
I often see the biggest stumbles and pitfalls happening at the mental, spiritual and emotional level. People seem to get the physical part, as if that's enough to go on, forever and ever, Amen. But, it isn't. God gave us intimacy -- the "one flesh" command way back in Genesis (in the beginning), to Adam and Eve, as a model for all human history.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. ~~Genesis 2:24
Becoming one flesh involves every area of our lives, as husband and wife; it's not the intertwining of body parts that achieves it, alone.
Our thoughts, our mental struggles and successes that come to light through conversation need to mesh. Even more than that, we must sometimes debate and disagree in order to fulfill the "one flesh" ideal of problem-solving together and coming out on the other side a little stronger and a lot closer. Overcoming problems and working through struggles strengthens marriage. Like our muscles, our marriages need some rigorous training to get through the difficulties life brings. No one can climb a mountain without strong arms and legs and a back that won't give in under strain. No marriage will succeed without the gaining of strength in communication, devotion, commitment, and appropriation of time. Marriage will encounter some turmoil and putting all our energy into trying to avoid it won't eliminate it. Avoidance means escape, and escape means half-truth. Half-truth is whole lie. Meet the trouble head-on and know the power of "one flesh" fully. It's hard. It's also thoroughly worth it. I can feel the oneness building, even though tempers may flare. Flaring tempers do not have to lead to a raging, out-of-control fire. Self-control can happen, people. Find it and use it, and do your best to model it for the man in your home. Don't fall into old patterns. Argue with purpose -- to understand, to connect, to come to a conclusion. If your desire is to win, you need to rethink and revamp your style. One person winning in marriage means someone else loses. That's not "one flesh".
Our spiritual selves should jibe, although, as the verse below indicates, we wives can have a very important role in guiding our husbands in a faith-oriented direction by working at being a wife in the truest sense of the word, as Peter wrote:
"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives ... " ~~ I Peter 3:1
In other words, act like a wife who dares to live fully. Be the wife who defers to her husband in matters of life and love. Make your husband the leader of your family by setting aside selfishness and letting God handle it. That means you need to pray -- keep your God connection open and viable, not sitting on a shelf waiting for dire circumstances, or hanging on a wall like a little-needed fire alarm, pulling it only out of desperation. To disagree in views of faith, to live as a believer with an unbeliever, or to have weak moorings in your faith and to adopt concepts from a variety of religions undermines truth, and the consequence of that lifestyle is a pieced-together foundation that cannot hold through the tests of life. Faith must have a rock-solid base, or what we construct will crack and crumble. Any builder can tell you the importance of a firm foundation and what will happen to the structure, over time, if the foundation fails. Bits of Hinduism, Judaism, Buddhism, Christianity, Catholicism, and myriad other beliefs fit together in small bits, and may even resemble each other, but none match exactly. The pieces might look pretty and make you feel good, but they will not hold firmly together. Ever. Stand firm in faith, and don't fall for the leadership of man-made religion -- man is fallible, God is not.
"Every word of God is pure: he is a shield to them that put their trust in him."
~~ Proverbs 30:5
"He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he." ~~Deuteronomy 32:4
Our emotional natures must meld, allowing each of us to share feelings, hopes, disappointments, dreams and failures without judgement and with a caring, invested listening ear. Men have emotions, they simply learn to push them down and, sadly, society and parental guidance often sends the message that emotions are for girls and those who are weak. Women, conversely, need to take a tighter rein on emotions and realize that sharing every thought and feeling with someone else who will listen does not build up a marriage. Sharing with someone who has the success of your marriage in focus can help, but the person with whom you should share most is the man you married. Not a friend, not a family member, and never someone who shares similar difficulties. Learn to share with your spouse. Start small. Grow together. PRAY IT OUT, and lean on The One who gave you this man to have and to hold ... for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad ... in everything.
Our physical relationship. Hmmmm. No-brainer? Yes, it's the bond we all think of first, but it's not more or less important than any of the others. The physical relationship of marriage makes "one flesh", but not in the simple, connective way many people think. Every other aspect plays a part in the physical relationship, and if the others are off kilter, the physical will suffer. If the physical isn't happening, the others won't fare well, either. Don't expect emotional connectedness if you're holding back elsewhere. Don't expect a dazzling physical relationship if you can't express your feelings or thoughts adequately. And you can have a physical relationship without faith, but faith sets it ablaze in a wholly different way.
Overshadowing the four core aspects of one-flesh marriage, social and personal spheres must mesh to a healthy degree. Work, play and enjoy life together. No living separate lives and hiding conversations or relationships with other people. That's not "one flesh", that's deceit. The only good secrets are birthday gifts, surprise parties and Christmas presents. Throw in a much-needed weekend away together once in a while, too, but otherwise, secrets siphon life from your marriage. Feeling the need for secrecy? Consider that feeling your giant, flashing, billboard-size neon warning sign and run the other way without a backward glance. Fight for your marriage. No one else will.
I know that's a lot to take in. What kind of introduction to love is this, anyway?
The lesson is this: Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Huh? What?
Begin to think of your marriage relationship throughout every facet of life. Mental (personal/social), emotional (personal/social), spiritual (personal/social) and physical. Give and take from every part, not just one. Learn and grow in every part, not just one.
Many people struggle in more than one of these areas of One Flesh marriage. Not every husband or wife tries his hardest in any or all of the aspects, but the person you need to focus on is YOU. Not what you're getting, but what you are giving; how, when, why and where you are giving it, and with what frame of heart, mind, spirit and emotion.
Work at making all the parts work well, bathed in prayer and faith, and 1+1+1+1 will equal ONE. This may sound confusing or impossible, but you won't realize how clear the answer really is until you begin to put effort into it and realize the results.
Other Articles in this Series:
- Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
- Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
- Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
- Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
- Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting
- Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
- Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
- Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing
- Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing
- Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering
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