As I work at listening without interrupting, adding that to my "Make My Marriage Rock" list of things to do, I read the next line on my list: Speak without Accusing.
Do I do this? I do. I credit the marriage seminar my husband and I attended last year for tuning me into it, and, my goodness, the small ways it enters my speech horrify me. I did not realize how lax my speech sounded -- so that the person receiving it (my husband) felt the need to defend himself. He and I have found ourselves caught in that trap often throughout our twenty-one years of marriage, each of us feeling unheard and misunderstood. When a person feels that way, accusations form (without thought or plan) in order to protect self. Defend! I must protect my own ... and then I forget that my own is my husband.
The phrase, "Think before you speak," fits perfectly here, as I'm sure I don't listen to myself closely enough to gauge accusatory tones or words. I should -- SHOULD -- have my brain engaged fully before the words fall out of my mouth. The brain-tongue collaboration seems to flow effortlessly, and that, I think, gives me this problem. My brain doesn't need to work very hard to help me form the language I use, and the words just ... happen. And they can hurt more quickly and easily than I know.
The verse illustrating the charge to "Speak without Accusing" comes from James 1:19 (and 20):
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
Check it out! Everyone should be quick ... to ... listen, followed directly by slow to speak. Already, this reviews the idea of listening without interrupting. God knows what he's doing. Go, God! Biblical instruction comes in varying phrases, as well as repetitive ones, because He knows we need rephrasing and that we don't take it all in the first time. Like our own children, we need reminding.
In his book, Now You're Speaking My Language, Dr. Gary Chapman suggests that couples listen carefully to themselves, and to realize that many of our sentences start with "you." Usually, the "you" has an absolute following it, such as "always" or "never". Usually, "you" follows with an accusation.
Does this man have us under surveillance?
See if these patterns feel familiar:
You always come home late from work.
You never take out the trash.
You don't take time to listen to the kids.
You never try very hard to make time for me.
You don't seem to care about how I feel.
You always say that.
Women use absolutes (always/never) in a way we don't mean. We want our husbands to know how much we need their attention, time and caring actions, and maybe a little help here and there. If I say, "You never take out the trash," what I really mean is, "I feel as if I am the only one taking out the trash. I can't remember the last time someone else did it." He hears, "She thinks I am lazy and worthless. She doesn't see what I do around here, so why bother at all?" Believe it. He hears that!
Then the fireworks begin. "You said, ..." "No, I didn't!" "Yes, you did, and you can just do it yourself forever, then. I'm done." "But, wait! I didn't mean ..."
The fireworks may last a lot longer, and the finale may be breathtaking in a way you don't want: having the wind knocked out of you in an all-out, drag-down fight.
A couple of things I have read on several blogs, research sites and pretty much the Internet over, as well as in several books (including Dr. Chapman's) that really make a difference in speaking without accusing are these --
- Pray about what you feel you need to express to your spouse. Get Divine Guidance first!
- Think about what you want your spouse to understand, and carefully choose words that send the message you want to send. Think and pray, pray and think.
- Get in the habit of using "I" instead of "you". As you prayerfully consider what you will say, phrase your needs by starting with "I" -- "I feel disappointed when you arrive home late in the evening because we don't have much time to spend together. I miss you."
- Prepare him for the conversation with a lead-in, something that will not send him to his defensive line, but will help him to focus on the meaning of your words. Starting with, "Do you have a minute? I really would like to explain something to you that I've been thinking about a lot." For seriously beleaguered husbands, it may help to buffer with a little more blunt beginning, "I do not intend to offend you, nor do I want to argue with you. I would like to share my feelings with you, and would like your help."
- If the conversation begins to take one of the same old detours -- those that will lead to a fight -- learn to say, "Let's stop. We need to go back to find where we went the wrong way. We don't want to go this direction." You may need to backtrack to find the words or tones that caused a stir and smooth them. Work together!
Change the war zone into communication. Build the bridges you have burnt by taking the time to construct new ones of better material, of lasting, impervious trust and admiration, of care-taking of the speech you offer your beloved, of kindness and consideration. When the construction gets a little weak, study it, take down the bad pieces and replace them with something more solid. You'll know the right materials.
Go now and be quick to listen to that husband of yours. Be slow to speak -- cast opinions aside unless you ask first, and then go forth with care. Hold onto your temper and really listen. Listen hard and from his perspective. If you can't manage that, ask him to clarify. Talk it out. Don't quit, don't give in to anger. Present yourself after careful prayer and consideration, and with great humility.
Most of these things don't come naturally in a husband-wife relationship after the newness has worn from the surface. We must build the framework ourselves, adding support and walls and decoration that compliment it -- and do a good job of it so that our marriages will stand firm and not be rocked in any storm that comes along.
- Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
- Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
- Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
- Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
- Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting
- Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
- Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
- Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing
- Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing
- Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering
No comments:
Post a Comment