What is Resentment, Really?
Resentment builds walls and burns bridges. It takes a destructive path just as quickly as it constructs a dividing wall between people, and that says that resentment belongs to Satan alone. Nothing of God would come between people in effort to block and destroy. Resentment is a human feeling, a place in the heart that harbors sadness, anger, shame and rising hatred or disgust.
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” ~Mark 11:25
In a marriage, resentment might start with the squeezing of the toothpaste tube. My husband and I had that very confrontation early in our marriage. I squeeze from anywhere, he squeezes from the bottom and meticulously folds the tube to meet the paste level. Ms. Clutter and Mr. Neatnik in one tiny bathroom adding one small brick to a wall neither of them could see.
Unimportant, that toothpaste squeezing, right? Completely petty. Resentment starts small but it can end big. Worse, it can stay right where you put it. It doesn't go away on its own. It's the opposite of what we vow in our marriage ceremonies. Raise your hand if you vowed to harbor resentment against your spouse ... 'til death do you part? Nope.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
~~1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Several years ago, a friend went through a season of panic attacks and mental stress that caused her to seek help. Through some counseling, she learned that she held resentments for almost everyone in her life and each involved feelings of rejection. In the state of mind she had at the time, she called or visited every one of those people and asked them the questions she needed to ask in order to come to terms with her feelings. In time, she cleaned them out of her mind -- because she sought the truth. Living daily a diet of the following ate at my friend over time and threw her into a destructive habit of wall-building:
- why did that happen?
- why did you say that?
- what do you really think of me?
- do you care about me?
- it seems others have a more important place in your life than I do
- does what I do matter to you? to anyone?
She stepped out of her comfort zone as a shy person and asked the hard questions, received answers, and reconstructed those relationships in her own heart and mind. She climbed to the surface through this process and prayed through it, seeking guidance and peace and wisdom. She received each of them by buckling down and facing truths she felt afraid to face. It took courage to confront people. It took strength to hear the truth. It took love to understand. It took God to get it all to happen the way it did.
The people on the receiving end of her questions never knew she had a problem. They never knew they had done anything to upset her. They had no idea she felt so unimportant. I was one of them, and this is why I know how her healing process proceeded.
Resentment builds through misunderstanding, miscommunication, lack of communication, lack of intimacy, grudges, assumptions, misaligned goals, mismatched parenting, opposing ideas about what marriage is, differences in handling money, how we spend our time, resistance to change (personally and as a couple), among others. Each resentment builds on others and can get to a point that finds a spouse thinking, maybe even saying, "I just don't care anymore."
“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; ~~ Luke 6:37
Resentment stands in the way of relationships like a two-way mirror. The unknowing person on the reflecting side can't see what in the world the problem is on the other side. She sees her own reflection, trying to help, wearing a look of concern and confusion. On the other side of the mirror, the resent-ee sees a facade of caring or an expression of needing to control. He will see negatives, because that's what makes the wall in the first place -- negatives.
How to Deconstruct a Wall of Resentment
This same healing process applies to a marriage that applied to my friend earlier. A need to return to truth, to open communication, to stop harboring negative thoughts that have become a practiced way of life and turned into habit. Find the important truths, confront the feelings each person has to learn why each spouse feels that way and sort out the details. It will take time to destroy the wall, and it will take time and lots of effort to rebuild. You will find every ounce of strength and tick of the clock toward this goal worth it.
In order for progress, each spouse has to have an attitude of love and caring, not a vendetta. Use 1 Corinthians 13 as a guide. Even one of those descriptors of love can cover everything. Read it, study it, use it. And remember:
This undertaking is not to blame or to condemn.
Each spouse must want common ground and focus on remaining there. No one may act as "King of the Hill".
Each spouse must understand that resentment is one-sided and very personal. The other person -- the one who "made you" build the wall, probably has no concept of what bothers you and may not remember the incidents that you used to put those bricks in place. Most assuredly, spouses know something has gone amiss. Resentment, while invisible, plays out in our lives in strange ways. Mainly, it creates distance. One person has built the wall, the other unknowingly (because it's invisible) tries to see around it, climb over it or smash it with a wrecking ball.
Each spouse must seek healing through this process, not vindication.
Each spouse must listen intently and each must have a chance to clarify by asking questions.
Each spouse must not mock the other, argue his side, put up defenses, or judge the other's motives or feelings.
Each spouse must focus on the other. Listen, make eye contact, understand and have empathy for the other.
Pray. Pray together, if you feel comfortable, or pray on your own, but don't leave out God. He will get you through this.
Listen. Ask questions in love. Devote the time. Give the best of yourself. Decide how to proceed together. Agree to signal each other when you feel a wall going up on either side. Move forward -- do not follow temptation in revisiting a hurtful memory or in throwing blame in the game again.
Talk. Talk often. Never clam up again when you feel the brick forming to start another wall. Ask for a moment to discuss it. Speak and live the truth.
Resentment benefits no one. Truth and love benefit everyone.
I appreciate any experiences you've had with resentment, how it affected you, how you worked through it, or if you're having trouble working through it. Leave a comment or drop an e-mail any time.
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