I have my own answers. I can fill in the blanks myself with simple things as:
"Don't miss a chance to kiss him 'hello' when he arrives home from work everyday."
"Speak kindly and listen carefully all the time."
"Tell him I love him. Often.
While I'm at it, I might as well fill in what the man would like for Christmas and his birthday, because I will, more than likely, not list many of the things he would like or need. I know that the second answer makes his list because he has told me those things matter. The other two actions feel important, but in his way of thinking, don't need correcting or improvement. They hold meaning, but they don't affect his self-esteem or heart capacity -- because I do not rank a deficit in those areas.
My husband and I attended a marriage seminar with several couples from our church last fall, by Dr. Gary Chapman. Neither of us realized it would affect us in the way it did. Dr. Chapman asked that each spouse ask the other, every once in a while, what would make him a better husband/her a better wife.
This sounds simple. It also sounded revolutionary to two people who focused on their own needs too closely and thought they were doing what the other wanted or needed, but missed the target more than we hit it.
This small suggestion packed a punch, and made each of us sit up and take notice.
It also strikes a kind of fear deep within the person asking. Getting these words out without feeling butterflies in my stomach hasn't happened yet. I can have a small bout of anxiety while waiting for the answer (because the receiving spouse should think very carefully and not rush into an answer), which feels similar to waiting for test results from a doctor.
What is wrong with me that he might decide needs fixing?
As we drove home under grey October skies after that seminar, my husband surprised me by asking, "How can I be a better husband to you?" At that moment in time, having him attend the seminar with me and participate actively made his approval rating rise in my heart and mind. He couldn't do a better job at husband-ing than he had already done. For that moment, hour and day. I told him so, and his smile told me he felt successful already.
Several days after that car ride, I asked my question with some trepidation. How can I be a better wife to you? Whew! I got that out of the way ... and then had to wait for the answer. The answer took several days for him to develop, between thinking and busy days at work and at home. His answer both delighted and disappointed me.
He told me I did a great job doing what I do right now, and he had no complaints.
ACK! I got a good review. I had prepared myself for some hard knocks in the wife department, maybe a short list of improvements that I might find difficult or maybe overwhelming to undertake. Instead, I received a star on my Chart of Wifely Behavior. My approval rating stood near the top.
"Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!" Psalm 141:3
But, complacency, or worse, inflated ego would make a poor choice of mind-set after one good rating. In anticipation of the question sometime in the future, I decided to polish my skill set as a wife. And, as in any other job any of us undertakes, I fail in some areas at various times and have to go back to the drawing board. I am not, nor will I ever be perfect. I have a desire to try for perfection -- in the eyes, heart and mind of my husband -- and that makes the difference.
Throughout the past year, we have crept up on each other with The Question a handful of times each. I do not think we have over-asked it, nor have we assumed either of us perform so well that we don't think to ask it from time to time. We know we fall short in our roles as husband and wife here and there, depending on stress, lack of sleep, hormones (!) and other factors.
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1
Our improved "approval rating" for each other lies partly in the fact that because of The Question, we pay attention to our attitudes, actions and words more closely. We renew our hope in each other and in our marriage by offering thoughtful answers to The Question that serve in smoothing, improving and sometimes redirecting our relationship as husband and wife, and as people.
I like a good rating as well as the next person, but hearing, "Good job!" at every turn does not instruct me. Those words, carelessly spoken, can mislead me, and I will begin to focus on my wants and needs, and maybe try to finagle ways to achieve them.
It seems a good idea to discuss The Question with your spouse prior to popping this very meaningful question. If a husband or wife sits in a different boat in your marriage relationship, answers to The Question may come out as pointed and hurtful, rather than constructive and regenerating. Discuss it, that it makes a good tool for keeping in touch with each other's needs, and builds bridges between you. In a marriage, you want Venice (actually, Pittsburgh, since it contains more bridges) on your bridge-building landscape. Aim high. CONNECT.
Go ahead. Ask it!
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