Do you feel you're living smack-dab in the middle of the loud silence in your marriage and you're the only one? I feel sad to say you're far from alone. Though you've probably heard the statistic that suggests women talk three times as much as men, in many cases, men talk more or equally as much as women, depending on the circumstances. You help make those circumstances what they are. You may feel surprised to find that much of what you do and say has helped Mr. Silent Partner become more silent and less of a partner than you hope.
Men often don't talk to their wives for very good reasons, most of them learned behaviors - learned from years of negative interaction with those very wives. And ladies, we teach them well. We, in general, are the reason our husbands clam up when all we want to do is connect in the one way we feel most comfortable: talking.
Here's a hint at why husbands seem so anti-chatty:
"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry," James 1:19
In looking at this verse from James, a few things pop out to those of us who have found ourselves struck dumb by our husbands' lack of speech. These same men, during courtship and engagement and even in the early years of marriage, could talk long into the night, chat for lengths of time on the phone and want to talk about everything with the ever-supportive wonderful woman. Back then, a girl didn't have to question and cajole, she just started on a subject and the banter began. She could disagree, but usually didn't. She could jest, she could rib, she could tease.
Now, when you get a few words going, he shuts down in no time. Maybe he offers angry outbursts that shock and overwhelm you. Maybe he leaves the room in silence. Bits of teasing or joking end with angry words and hateful looks.
For Pete's sake, how could he be so touchy?
For Pete's sake, how could he be so touchy?
Consider the conversations you do manage to have with the Man of the House these days. How many times do you consider his opinion? How much do you listen? How many times do you criticize him? Ridicule him? How swiftly do you slap quickly at his ideas like an annoying mosquito and move along swiftly to your own, insightful viewpoint? How many times do you correct him? Do you may make less-than-accepting facial expressions? Roll your eyes? Be honest. Watch yourself next time, and listen for yourself in your speech with this man you want so much to connect with. Monitor your expression and your movements, your tone of voice, and most of all, your timing. Even loving words, full of hope and purpose, can go over like a lead balloon at the wrong moment.
Raise your hand if you are quick to listen. This means that at the sound of your husband's voice you perk up and listen with undivided attention to his stories, his ideas for something in the house, his saga from the day at work ... and you ask questions to show interest and learn more.
Stand up if you are slow to speak. As he divulges information and feelings to you about what happened at a recent meeting, or how he handled a situation that doesn't concern you, or what he thinks about a player on his favorite sports team, how quickly do you look for a divergent path in subject matter? How fast do you try to give him advice about how to handle the next meeting and stand up to that nitwit boss? How soon into his words do you cut him off to offer a refreshing discourse of your own?
Give a thumbs-up if you have a long fuse before you blow your top or show your irritation at your man's daily goings on or at his manner of handling the children/a household task/bill-paying/matters of friendship/your marriage - aka you're slow to become angry. How many times have you burst into your husband's "turn to talk" to condemn, ridicule, poke fun at, admonish, discipline or give a better view (i.e. your own) while he quietly withdraws, and then you jump right in with a tirade (which can happen in a very level voice -- it's what you say that matters, many times).
So, how to talk so he will listen, and also to listen so he will talk.
First, pray. Connect with your Heavenly Father in this effort, because he wrote the rulebook and knows who this can work. It can help to pour out your frustration as you begin this endeavor, because presently, you probably think it's futile. I know I did. If the man would look away from the television long enough for a few words, you'd melt. So, go to God, let him know your worries, your reservations about sticking your neck out like this, and ask him for guidance, that your words will be His.
Second, be sure you're filling you heart with what his good. Stop noticing your husband's shortcomings (you have them, too), and remember Matthew 7:3 - "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Give the man a break, and when you do, you will see a difference. Silence is golden, and so are a few uplifting comments. Speak positively. Praise him. Tell him what you like about him.
Third, keep quiet and put serious effort into listening. Men and women think differently. We process situations differently. We speak and listen differently. As Dr. Emerson Eggerichs illustrates, women wear pink hearing aides and glasses, men wear blue. Tune down your "coffee with the girls" way of thinking and tune into your husband. Ask him questions about what he shares with you - to clarify, and to show interest. The more you do, the more you will. And he will appreciate it. You will see his eyes. You will feel him connecting with you.
Fourth, remember your husband is not a woman, and you are not a man. We girls tend toward pulling our husbands into long, detail-filled sagas. If you've ever had your husband ask, "Wait. WHO are we talking about now?" you have met this head-on. Our intricate weaving of relationships and experiences does not match our husband's carefully organized boxes of information that don't mix with the others in his massive brain-file of information. Keep your sentences short, your words simple (meaning "normal" - nothing to include in your doctoral dissertation, please), and your voice moderated. Leave out the drama. He's not wired for it and it's unnecessary anyway.
Lastly, remember why you love this man. Use that to propel you forward as you work on new concepts of communication. You may feel frustrated as you begin this road to recovering communication with your spouse, but as with any new concept or skill, it takes practice and you will make mistakes. Own them and discuss with your husband what you want to accomplish with him, and how you can go about it together.
As I study the concepts of communication and relationships within marriage, I have found myself wanting to highlight whole pages and chapters of books that have reached me where I needed it and given my husband and me a foothold where we used to fall off the wall into the pit of old habits and arguments. One of these books is, Now You're Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage, by Dr. Gary Chapman. His insight and simple explanations of concepts we clearly don't understand very well on our own (or we would be communicating better!) can change the atmosphere of your household. It will help you understand your husband and your kids, if you have them. Don't wait another minute to start reworking your communication style. After all, it didn't used to be this way.
Give a thumbs-up if you have a long fuse before you blow your top or show your irritation at your man's daily goings on or at his manner of handling the children/a household task/bill-paying/matters of friendship/your marriage - aka you're slow to become angry. How many times have you burst into your husband's "turn to talk" to condemn, ridicule, poke fun at, admonish, discipline or give a better view (i.e. your own) while he quietly withdraws, and then you jump right in with a tirade (which can happen in a very level voice -- it's what you say that matters, many times).
So, how to talk so he will listen, and also to listen so he will talk.
First, pray. Connect with your Heavenly Father in this effort, because he wrote the rulebook and knows who this can work. It can help to pour out your frustration as you begin this endeavor, because presently, you probably think it's futile. I know I did. If the man would look away from the television long enough for a few words, you'd melt. So, go to God, let him know your worries, your reservations about sticking your neck out like this, and ask him for guidance, that your words will be His.
Second, be sure you're filling you heart with what his good. Stop noticing your husband's shortcomings (you have them, too), and remember Matthew 7:3 - "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Give the man a break, and when you do, you will see a difference. Silence is golden, and so are a few uplifting comments. Speak positively. Praise him. Tell him what you like about him.
Third, keep quiet and put serious effort into listening. Men and women think differently. We process situations differently. We speak and listen differently. As Dr. Emerson Eggerichs illustrates, women wear pink hearing aides and glasses, men wear blue. Tune down your "coffee with the girls" way of thinking and tune into your husband. Ask him questions about what he shares with you - to clarify, and to show interest. The more you do, the more you will. And he will appreciate it. You will see his eyes. You will feel him connecting with you.
Fourth, remember your husband is not a woman, and you are not a man. We girls tend toward pulling our husbands into long, detail-filled sagas. If you've ever had your husband ask, "Wait. WHO are we talking about now?" you have met this head-on. Our intricate weaving of relationships and experiences does not match our husband's carefully organized boxes of information that don't mix with the others in his massive brain-file of information. Keep your sentences short, your words simple (meaning "normal" - nothing to include in your doctoral dissertation, please), and your voice moderated. Leave out the drama. He's not wired for it and it's unnecessary anyway.
Lastly, remember why you love this man. Use that to propel you forward as you work on new concepts of communication. You may feel frustrated as you begin this road to recovering communication with your spouse, but as with any new concept or skill, it takes practice and you will make mistakes. Own them and discuss with your husband what you want to accomplish with him, and how you can go about it together.
As I study the concepts of communication and relationships within marriage, I have found myself wanting to highlight whole pages and chapters of books that have reached me where I needed it and given my husband and me a foothold where we used to fall off the wall into the pit of old habits and arguments. One of these books is, Now You're Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage, by Dr. Gary Chapman. His insight and simple explanations of concepts we clearly don't understand very well on our own (or we would be communicating better!) can change the atmosphere of your household. It will help you understand your husband and your kids, if you have them. Don't wait another minute to start reworking your communication style. After all, it didn't used to be this way.
No comments:
Post a Comment