Take off the Blinders

I experienced a season, a span of years in our marriage that I had a hard time noticing good things about my husband.  He had many fine qualities, but I wore blinders to those, put on out of the desire to justify the distance that grew between us, and to rationalize my own negative attitude and subsequent lack-lustre thoughts.

The parts of my husband's personality I found distasteful outdid any good that lay beneath them or squeezed out between them.  He did give the best of himself to other people while I watched, fuming and sputtering silently, like a tea kettle without a whistle.  I boiled over several times in frustration, asking for some quality time, and hoping that when we had a good day or a better moment, everything else would somehow settle and we would find that "happy place" we used to know on a daily basis.

One summer day, I prayed.  In retrospect, I  know that I failed in praying at all while going through the darkening valley.  I prayed out of desperation at a situation I could not change myself.  I prayed out of longing for the relationship with my husband I used to have, and I cried out for answers.  Screamed, really.

”Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."  Matthew 7:7  

"And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”  Matthew 21:22

God didn't strike me with lightning, but he did throw down an answer lightning fast.  I had a sudden, inexplicable desire to serve my husband -- to reach out to him in as many ways as I could think to reach.  I felt surprised, shocked and a little uneasy.  I had no idea where to start, and early on it showed.  I had been off the path of meaningful action toward this man for such a long time. While I had not neglected to serve my husband for all of our marriage, I had copped out in small ways that grew larger as time passed.  When you feel nothing in return, why work so hard?

Oh, there are so many reasons why you should work so hard.  They're in your marriage vows.  Review them, please.

As for me, I started at the beginning.  I began to compliment my husband in small ways.  They had to be small because I couldn't think of anything big.   I felt crippled by the attitude of self-righteousness and selfishness that formed the blinders I wore when I looked at my husband.  So, I left Post-It notes on the computer monitor reading, "You are good at what you do."  Very general, but true. I wrote, "I like that you never give up."  "You are honest."  "You are a little bit naive, and that's not a bad thing."

 I had to dig, and dig deep.  I felt strangely empty of the ability to describe anything, as if my language skills had atrophied along with my heart.  Along with the hard work aspect of thinking up these nice things, I received no feedback!  But, on a visit to his office later that week, I found that he had stacked the notes carefully, in order, next to his computer.

Progress?  I didn't dare think it, for I had experienced isolated "good days" before.  But, I didn't stop my new job of praising, and putting my mind to finding things to praise.

Within several weeks' time, I had polished off two pads of Post-It Notes and looked for a bigger project.  I sneaked in and borrowed the already-given notes of compliments, praise and encouragement and jotted about a dozen of them on paper and put back the stack in the right place.  I found a book-making site online and coupled those compliments with pictures of us and of our kids.  I paired, "You are good at being silly," with photos of the kids dressed in oddball outfits in their toddler years and making silly faces.  I captioned a photo of my husband at work with, "No one works the way you do.  No one else can."  I added a photo of myself and added, "I love the way you love me."  I began to realize that not only was I having fun doing this, surprising him with something completely different, but I believed every word of what I had written and could think of even more lines of "good" to offer him.

I no longer wear those blinders.  I see my husband with new eyes, through love, patiences and greater self-control.  I don't feel selfish anymore.  Within several days of my mission to compliment him, he began offering kind words to me.

Yes.

I had not counted on that, or even considered it, so hearing, "I like your eyes,"from a man who reserves compliments for special occasions pretty much spun me in circles.  I celebrated inside with fireworks in my soul and celebrated outside, giving him a long, tight hug and smiling so hard he could feel it against his chest.

"Why are you smiling?" he asked.

"Because I love you," I answered.

Short and sweet.  Just like the compliments we continue to share.  They just happen, now, without having to dig.  They're on the tip of my tongue about everything, and reruns sound just as good the second, fifth or tenth time.  We humans need reminding of our good points.

Give it a shot, this complimenting thing.  Receiving a positive response from the target of your words can take anything from no time at all to what seems like eons, but don't stop.  Don't feel discouraged. Don't begin to rethink your plan or rescind your words.  Stick with it, and discover the benefits.

Send me an e-mail, let me know how you're doing.  Comment below, if you don't mind sharing with others.

And, have a great weekend!