It's our job, this marriage thing. Without work -- hard work -- it will not succeed. It will not produce, it will not provide dividends, it will not thrive; it will divide and destroy.
All of us who hold the role of wife must focus clearly on the man to whom we have vowed commitment (love, honor cherish ... until death do us part). Life does not have to run away with us; it really is our choice to let it run and drag us along. Think about it. You may have to work, but you do not need to focus on it all the time. If you have children, they should revolve around you and your husband, not you around them. You may subscribe to social media but you do not have to alert yourself electronically or check in throughout the day, letting it rule you. Real life remains. It doesn't go away, even when you try ignoring it or when you fight against it. Taking a weekend away with friends will bring you home to the same chaos or discomfort you left there. Coffee with your favorite pal will not drown the sadness that prevails in the problems you haven't faced. Diversions, distractions, means of escape can overtake real life, but real life remains when the aura disappears. The only way to maintain focus and balance is to cut back on the number of activities you do, inside or outside your home. Cut back a lot even from the good things, because they divert attention from what matters most, too. You may volunteer for a wonderful organization (I did!), and maybe you find great support and positive feedback from it (I did!). Don't let work, family, friends, volunteering or social diversions take the place of the support and feedback you can get at home. If you have lost the support and feedback at home, you may have to work to rejuvenate it. You can. You'll need to work at it, but the rewards multiply fast. Everyone wins.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. " ~~ Philippians 4:8
Distractions have a stealthy way of diminishing the relationship we have with our husbands. They take our time, they deplete our energy and they consume our thoughts. Where, then, do we have room for the Man of the House? We don't think he notices when we squeeze him in here or there in our jam-packed schedule. He doesn't say much. He doesn't seem to mind. He doesn't say much because, in most cases, men grow quiet and withdraw when wives start finding other focuses in life. So, the men find other things to do. When you get to the point that he "doesn't seem to mind," you have already leaped the barrier between "busy" and "too busy." Jump back!
We women often fog the mirror of our own abilities, believing the busier we are the more important or indispensable we are. In reality we are not either of those things in the eyes of those who matter most -- our husbands and families. We lose sight of our own shortcomings and lack of attention to the details at home -- the underlying details that make marriage hum along in a healthy way, not the cooking and cleaning and clothes washing. Anyone can do that, and our husband and/or children will not resent having less clean underwear and more time with wife or mom. Those of us who stay at home full time often fill hours with outreach activities in order to appear accomplished to the outside world while our families and homes suffer from neglect, failing to thrive at our own hands. Likewise, working women may fill the schedule with accomplishments that look good on a resume, with negative results at home. When I fog the mirror of self with "important activities", I can't focus on the needs of my spouse or my children. The fog builds and I work at getting through it, while my husband drifts along on the other side of the fog. I can't even see him. Those outside activities creep closer, making a denser fog, and completely obscuring my vision of him with "I'm busy." When he calls to me from the other side of the fog, I begin to see him as a distraction from all the busyness, rather than my respite from it. How wrong is that?
"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives," I Peter 3:1
The Bible states that we should be subject to our husbands, which does not mean taking on a subservient role or having no opinions or strength, but to honor his choices as head of the household. When I take on more distractions, I unintentionally begin to force my husband to live by my calendar. Interesting. The needs of my spouse move to second, third ... or last position under all the other time-takers on my list if I do not carefully weigh and discuss my options with him. What is my goal? Do I want to appear important? Do I want credit? Do I want admiration? Do I want control? Do I want to make my mark on the world? Or, do I want a solid marriage with my husband? How can I do that when I continue to take time in activities that promote ME?
“Love is not self seeking, it’s not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong.”
I Corinthians 13:5
The bottom line remains this: The busier I make myself with other things, the less time and attention I have for my husband. I did not always consider this -- I believed I had time for everything and continually added to my outside obligations without a thought about the time involved. Through my own experience:
- I believe every wife must treat every decision as if her family depends on it, because it does.
- A wife should make decisions about roles outside her marriage with her husband's input, because she married him to be his partner, and partners communicate these things.
- A wife needs to show her children that her marriage comes first (after God).
- A wife needs to understand that children reflect the marriage relationship, they don't come before it and cannot expect her to take sides. Husband+Wife+Children=FAMILY
- A wife must let friends and family know that she esteems her husband (for some, this will take some changing of attitude) and will not fall into speaking negatively about him (huge distraction, especially in the company of other women who are unhappy in marriage).
- A wife needs to make marriage her priority, not one in a long list of distractions.
When a wife does make the switch, she will feel free, and her husband will feel respected and powerful - in a good way - because she depends on him and uses his strength as she should. She creates in him a protective feeling, and he begins to watch out for her and the family differently. This is what God planned in the first place.
"And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever." I John 2:17
A Wife Challenge for today: Maybe you don't feel your life is out of balance, but you really do not feel in a comfort zone marriage-wise. Take some time today to list your activities (children's, social, church, personal, work, hobby) and pray about them. Ask God to show you where to cut back or maybe (sigh of relief) eliminate. Taking the step to stop an activity or sever a tie to an organization to which you devote your time and talent seems not only risky, it takes a lot of effort to consider doing such a drastic thing. In the spirit of marriage purpose and contentment, the profit outweighs the risk. You will gain a greater sense of satisfaction as you devote more time to being married.
You can bank on it -- as long as you remember to keep God at the head of it all. Go to Him with your decisions and challenges, and remember to give Him thanks for every small success.
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