For review, we have Ephesians 5:33 to tell us very clearly:
"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
Paul did not mince words here, he offered them point-blank without an invitation for debate. The wife must respect her husband. It doesn't matter what kind of day she has had, or what important opinion she feels she should pass along to him. It doesn't matter what her own thoughts or preferences (ie "Controlling Methods") she would like to employ in the matter. The wife should respect her husband.
Previously in Ephesians 5, just a few lines up, we read:
"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
Submit! In everything! Paul creates a double-whammy here for those of us who feel independent, capable, and purposeful in the decisions we make. The trap we must escape takes the form of preferring to avoid a system that requires us to check with someone else (our husbands) in all things. Biblically, we do not follow God's instructions when we put our skills to use ahead of our husband's instruction.
I can safely and sorrowfully say I spent a large part of my marriage offering advice, instruction and alternate points of view to every word my husband uttered because I thought it helped. Guess what? I didn't.
Rewind a few years to a day a technician arrived at our home to install wiring for a project. From the time he arrived until the time he left, I heard and saw him field phone calls from his wife, which left him befuddled and pretty much stripped of what makes men MEN -- the ability to take charge, make decisions and lead in this world. The role they received directly from God yanked out from under them by women. I overheard the rising pitch of this wife's voice as she demanded and commanded the minutes of his day, and heard too clearly the husband's learned responses of, "Yes, honey," and, "I'll take care of that as soon as I'm done here," among other hen-pecked male responses. This was a big-built man with some muscle and a mind of his own, beaten to the ground by a woman and her desire for control.
When my own husband arrived home, what did I do? I immediately replayed the scene and announced to him how lucky he was that I didn't treat him like that. I didn't even give him a chance to surmise it for himself. I informed him of his good fortune. Ugh!
I disrespected him and domineered just the same. I simply did not use nagging and screeching sounds to manage it. And, in turn, because I didn't fit the mold, I didn't think I did it at all!
What It All Means
The Respect and Submission Movement, the opposite of the 1960's Feminist Movement, makes a terrific place to plant oneself as a wife. With practice, understanding, reading, studying and mentoring, women can find their rightful place in marriage and in life. We do have a rightful place, and this does not mean at the top of the totem pole or at the peak of the pyramid. Every woman can join and every woman can succeed. It takes focus, practice, the ability to learn from mistakes and to not build walls of resentment when our efforts don't garner praise or even slight notice from our husbands. God is the target audience here, as we do our best to follow his commands and teachings through the apostles and directly from Himself and Jesus Christ.
The feminist ideal would have us shedding the "dominance" of men and stepping out into an equal track ... in order to bypass men and beat them at their own game. Society tells us we can have equality. We can work full time, have the husband and 2.5 children, live in the trophy house and take at least one yearly lavish vacation, not to mention weekends away with girlfriends, mornings out for coffee with friends, and anything else our hearts desire. Ah, the heart, as Jeremiah 17:9 states:
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
Our culture tells us to follow our hearts because our feelings will direct us and never lead us astray. Totally non-biblical and for anyone who has taken that bait, untrue in the reality of life.
The heart is like a sieve. What we think fills it. What we do, say and want fills it. What we prefer fills it. What is fun, feels good, and relaxes us fills it. What we should do, say, think and feel goes in it, too. The true nature of the heart crushes and filters out on the edges, like pulp in a juicer. The gunk we should throw away stays inside the sieve (our heart). The good stuff, the honorable, the truthful, the just, the decent, the respectful and the submissive run off and we easily lose them. We have to learn fresh, train our minds to fill our hearts with good things to outnumber what the heart will catch on its own.
Warning! Warning! All That Glitters Is Not Always Gold!
I enjoy meeting women who have the respect and submission ideal going in their lives. As with anything else, read, listen and study with discernment. Pick and choose only what passes the truth tests you give. If it's Biblical, it will also be moral and ethical and will aid you in following the right path.
Just beware the bling, please. When reading or learning from any mentor or teacher in any area, be on guard for shades of grey. Understand I am not a subservient wife. I have strong opinions, I have the ability to run the show -- I choose to give myself the peace of following my husband's lead so I can enjoy being the helper instead. The pressure is off, I don't have to be in charge every minute or at all.
For anyone wondering, in the respect and submission realm, some of the shades of grey entail:
- veiled respect
- the smiling, condescending pat on the shoulder that you would give to indicate you know he means well, but you know better. Banish a "holier than thou" attitude and speech.
- manipulative praise, which includes praising him for things he hasn't done but you would like for him to do, thereby encouraging him in the direction you want. Ugly, ugly behavior!
- biding your time, waiting long enough to make a husband feel confident in his decision, and then craftily offering your own plan as "just a suggestion", or doing it yourself anyway
- listening half-heartedly, but appearing interested on the surface, then saying all the right things to placate him, only to offer an alternative after asking if he would mind.
- not really listening while nodding and making agreeable sounds, all the while thinking your own thoughts to counter his. Again, "just offering an alternative" slams the respect level to the basement.
- asserting that you will back him up in his decision and then violating that assertion by debating his decision with someone else
- saying, "Yes, dear," out loud and cherishing negative thoughts in your mind and heart, even if you don't act on them
- partial submission
- accepting his decision to his face and modifying it to fit your preferences, even if it turns out the same in the end
- saying you back him up no matter what and then changing some variables to suit your wishes
- telling him all the right things to make him feel like a leader, and then doing the leading in part, without a request from him to join him
Sometimes, the offer of an alternative or an opinion or a devil's advocate stance really can help a couple communicate and to make the best choice, but a woman must learn to do so modestly, without judgement and without undermining her husband. Most of all, she should do so without selfish or know-it-all motives.
These things take practice, and they require sincere, heart-felt apology when they fail. Respecting husbands and submitting to them as leaders of our households (clearly, abusive situations do not apply) cannot lead us down the wrong path.
Thoughts? Experiences? Share them!
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