In our relationships as men and women, prior to marriage, words begin their journey as a mere testing of the waters. We dip in a toe and find a nice temperature, so we enter a little more and keep easing in, finally fully engulfed in comfortable waters of easy conversation. Whew! We continue on, offering unbiased remarks, well-meaning encouragement, zesty compliments, carefully-chosen opinions, and tasteful admiration, and we add a generous coating of utmost sensitivity and care before allowing the words out of our mouths. We choose carefully how we say everything, as we nestle inside a bubble of wonder, excitement and very little reality with the object of our affection. He is perfect and he thinks I am perfect. Perfect! Everything feels perfect.
Then, we get married.
The bubble floats along for a while, maybe for a few years, stretching thinner and becoming more fragile, and then, "POP!" What was that? Did you hear it? Did you see something? No one seems to notice. Must be nothing.
In the blink of an eye, all of those carefully-crafted words and phrases and long essays filled with love language burst and scatter, leaving memories and some still-useful fragments. But, in flows the suffocating, somewhat toxic air of real life. You probably felt a few surges previous before the sudden drop in bubble pressure, as if you had just receive a small electric shock that you brush away and ignore. But you did feel them. They were the prickling of reality. Warning signs of what will come. And it will. No marriage avoids it; it's how you handle the reality that matters. The divorce rate shows that most of us don't handle it well at all, and then go on to repeat it with a new person. No matter how you try to tell him he's not the same person you married, the real person existed before, you simply couldn't see him, enveloped in the bubble of infatuated perfection. It's not love that incurs blindness, but infatuation that covers our eyes. Real life opens them. What a shock!
Let the skirmishing begin! The words we use begin to have pointed edges, poking, slashing and sometimes cutting deeply. Maybe you have a tug-of-war going, trying to drag and yank your husband to your side while he pulls mightily on his end of the rope, both of you fighting for peace, but on your own terms. Maybe you have a Cold War, or maybe your battle feels completely one-sided.
One thing you may never have considered makes a tremendous roadblock to improvement and victory for both of you: If you do not show respect to the man you married, you will never find peace (Ephesians 5:33 -- ... wives must respect their husbands.) You used to respect him solely for what you saw in him that engaged you in the first place. In his mind, feeling respected flips the switch to letting loving attitudes and actions flow toward you. Without respect, his ability to show love will continue to dwindle and may fade completely.
Now, rather than the attentive, interested man you used to know, you see a sullen, computer-staring, remote control-wielding human being. The more you think about what he doesn't do, the more irritated you grow. He might go to work all day and take on large projects or make lots of sales or amaze co-workers with his abilities, but when he arrives across the threshold of your home he ...
Let the skirmishing begin! The words we use begin to have pointed edges, poking, slashing and sometimes cutting deeply. Maybe you have a tug-of-war going, trying to drag and yank your husband to your side while he pulls mightily on his end of the rope, both of you fighting for peace, but on your own terms. Maybe you have a Cold War, or maybe your battle feels completely one-sided.
One thing you may never have considered makes a tremendous roadblock to improvement and victory for both of you: If you do not show respect to the man you married, you will never find peace (Ephesians 5:33 -- ... wives must respect their husbands.) You used to respect him solely for what you saw in him that engaged you in the first place. In his mind, feeling respected flips the switch to letting loving attitudes and actions flow toward you. Without respect, his ability to show love will continue to dwindle and may fade completely.
Now, rather than the attentive, interested man you used to know, you see a sullen, computer-staring, remote control-wielding human being. The more you think about what he doesn't do, the more irritated you grow. He might go to work all day and take on large projects or make lots of sales or amaze co-workers with his abilities, but when he arrives across the threshold of your home he ...
- makes you wonder what is the matter with him
- doesn't seem to want to bother when you ask him to participate in life with you
- acts detached or distant
- offers conversation to other people but not to you
- holes up in another room each evening, or in the same room, but it seems a planet away
- acts cranky, unkind, selfish, disinterested, angry, thoughtless, or cruel
Meanwhile, you:
- feel lonely even when he sits in the same room with you
- have nothing to discuss with him, as if you have no ideas to captivate his attention
- feel sullen, too, and blame him for it
- wonder if anyone else feels like this
Do something extreme. Compliment him. Thank him. Focus on the positives.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ~~I Corinthians 13: 4-7
Don't get me wrong, I do not suggest that anyone make up lies or twist reality to try to change the tide of a troubled marriage. No way. That's not right, it's not Biblical. It's a lie. Find something ... anything to say that shines a good light on him. Notice his clothing choice, his hair, the color of his eyes, the way he talks to the kids. Give a compliment about how hard he works, about his good care of the house or lawn or his vehicle. If he didn't flip through the channels last night while you watched television, thank him! Think, carefully consider the words and voice them. To him, of course. In the beginning, depending on how mired you are in negative thoughts and poor communication with your spouse, the task of offering compliments to him may overwhelm you. It may feel like an impossibility for you. You are stronger than that negative thought. Do. It. Keep at it, every day. Do not stop. Think, rephrase, repeat if necessary, but give him something to go on every day.
While infatuation is blind, wives who feel distraught, overtaxed, unloved, ignored and disinterested have vision that targets the worst in their husbands. Stop looking at those things. Vamoose, bad thoughts! Negative views, be gone. COMPLIMENT THE MAN.
Husbands thrive on acceptance from their wives, as noted in Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' Love & Respect, and from the respect derived from those feelings of acceptance. That means we must stop judging our husbands and stop believing we have some sort of wisdom greater than theirs. God created us to complement each other (different spelling -- this word means "to complete, to make whole, to bring to perfection"), not to judge, condemn and deride one another. We are different from our husbands in many ways, all of which have a good purpose. When we wives assume an authoritarian role at home, making cutting comments, rolling our eyes, masking impatience with a sigh, and the hundreds of other hints that we don't feel satisfied with the current situation, men read that as, "She does not respect me."
Enter the silent evenings, the blank expressions, the uncaring attitudes and the cranky, irritable personalities. When a husband feels the disrespect, he will not feel loving, and then the circle (or, Crazy Cycle, according to Dr. Eggerichs) begins. You know the feeling -- the arguments that lead nowhere, the frustration, the pounding heartbeat, the agony of him not hearing or understanding you. And it settles down only to start again when he feels snubbed and you feel abandoned.
A few friends of mine have trekked through the desperate days of marriage, ready to file for divorce and move on with life. They didn't think anything could change their feelings, which were far from loving. One friend curtly offered she didn't even like her husband, and love was out of the question. This week, I heard from each of these ladies, relievedly noting that things are looking up, that they feel a difference in their marriages, that they have had loving feelings return and new energy for continuing to work at it. Through their prayers and through decisions to act on those prayers, they now experience healing when they doubted anything good would happen at all. Thank you, God. Your ways are better than ours -- our human instincts fail, and your truths work. Why don't we realize this in everything? Wives ... respects your husbands.
Compliment that man. Make the compliment an important part of your day. Tell him face to face, leave him a note on the mirror or on the monitor, send a text or e-mail, or find a creative way to offer it. Make it meaningful to you and to him. Keep practicing it every day. Thank him for something he did that you realize you took for granted. For taking out the trash. For picking up his socks. For picking up a child at school. For going to work every day. For helping you get dinner on the table. Think small. The bigger things will come later.
And share your results. Share with someone else who feels desperate, unhappy, not sure of which way to turn in her marriage. And, if you feel you can, post a comment here -- you can comment anonymously -- and share your experience.
Looking forward to it!
A few friends of mine have trekked through the desperate days of marriage, ready to file for divorce and move on with life. They didn't think anything could change their feelings, which were far from loving. One friend curtly offered she didn't even like her husband, and love was out of the question. This week, I heard from each of these ladies, relievedly noting that things are looking up, that they feel a difference in their marriages, that they have had loving feelings return and new energy for continuing to work at it. Through their prayers and through decisions to act on those prayers, they now experience healing when they doubted anything good would happen at all. Thank you, God. Your ways are better than ours -- our human instincts fail, and your truths work. Why don't we realize this in everything? Wives ... respects your husbands.
Compliment that man. Make the compliment an important part of your day. Tell him face to face, leave him a note on the mirror or on the monitor, send a text or e-mail, or find a creative way to offer it. Make it meaningful to you and to him. Keep practicing it every day. Thank him for something he did that you realize you took for granted. For taking out the trash. For picking up his socks. For picking up a child at school. For going to work every day. For helping you get dinner on the table. Think small. The bigger things will come later.
And share your results. Share with someone else who feels desperate, unhappy, not sure of which way to turn in her marriage. And, if you feel you can, post a comment here -- you can comment anonymously -- and share your experience.
Looking forward to it!
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