Words have meaning, whether spoken or written. They have the power to hurt, divide, conquer, condemn, and degrade. They have the power to heal, join, cooperate, praise and uplift. The English language has diminished in meaning, brought to us by slang terminology.
When "You killed it, "means, "You did a magnificent job," rather than, "You ended a life," something has gone seriously wrong. I strongly believe we need our rules of language to stick, to allow our words to mean the same thing across the world, rather than to divide generations and people. Historically, younger generations have invented and turned words to distance themselves from their elders. They want to stand apart and feel independent. Past the age of
Words divide marriages, likewise. Misused terminology and our cultural differences -- male versus female -- bring misunderstanding and confusion to the discussion table.
James 5:12 says,
When "You killed it, "means, "You did a magnificent job," rather than, "You ended a life," something has gone seriously wrong. I strongly believe we need our rules of language to stick, to allow our words to mean the same thing across the world, rather than to divide generations and people. Historically, younger generations have invented and turned words to distance themselves from their elders. They want to stand apart and feel independent. Past the age of
Words divide marriages, likewise. Misused terminology and our cultural differences -- male versus female -- bring misunderstanding and confusion to the discussion table.
James 5:12 says,
Above all, my brothers, do not swear--not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your "yes" be yes, and your "no," no, or you will be condemned.
What does this mean? Right off the top, it means don't use extra words where you do not need them. A "yes" or a "no" mean something finite. Farther than that, it means that no one should add to them with an oath, which only serves to detract from the truth. For instance, "I'll swear on a stack of Bibles ..." often comes forth when a person really wants us to believe his answer. Sometimes, a 4-letter word will precede yes or no, as if the added word emphasizes the answer and puts it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Language has power. Each word stands on its own merit, packing a forthright definition devoid of modifiers. Each word means what it says in print or as it hangs in the air. Use them judiciously -- with forethought, and with not only caution, but with care. Words matter in every relationship. In a marriage covenant, they seem to double in their intensity. That kind of closeness, the one-flesh nearness of a husband and wife, makes our communication all the more powerful.
Five Ways Words Hinder Communication in Marriage
1. Failing to Filter. When we communicate with our spouses, how and what we say matters. Sending our needs or wants of communication to God in prayer before presenting it to human ears does wonders. Even if your conversation is spur-of-the-moment, a quick, "Please guide me in this, God," can clip the rough spots with the guidance of the Holy Spirit over the situation. Send your words through your brain before they flow from your mouth. Auto-pilot never serves well in communication with anyone. Rather, "canned answers" and thoughtless phrases often lead communication down a crooked path. Pray, think, speak ... repeat!
2. Inaccuracy. Using words that kinda-sorta hit the mark of what we mean can serve to confuse. Then, we need to angle for other words to reword the failed first try. This takes time and patience on both sides. Misunderstanding will happen. Translation from person to person in the same language cannot ensure 100% accuracy, just as translation to or from English and foreign languages sometimes end at odds. Words can fail us, but by using proper language to describe thoughts, feelings, events and needs will better convey our messages and bring more positive results.
3. The Slang Trap. Deciding to use plain speech -- language that represents obvious meaning -- makes the most sense in meaningful conversation. Slang terms or abbreviations can confuse a listener. My position in the home, rather than in the workplace, finds me at a disadvantage sometimes when it comes to terminology or "buzz words." If my husband reaches for workplace language and I feel the need to reach for a dictionary , we will have trouble communicating. One of us will feel defeated or confused early in the game. Along the same lines, if I try to redirect my husband's word choice, he may feel controlled, and so I have to filter and speak with accuracy to overcome the slang trap he has unknowingly set for me. I don't think I need to enter texting language here, but if anything like "LOL" or "TTYL" enters your conversation, the speaker needs to get back to reality and ... speak accurately. Mistakes happen. Forgive them and move on.
4. Big Word Wallop. This means another grab for a dictionary and can create feelings of inferiority in a listener. Because I read a lot, I have a tendency to slip high-end vocabulary or obscure language into husband-directed sentences now and then. My husband, in an technical business field, will sometimes bring in terms that throw me off track. We have learned to ask for definitions or for clarification -- each of us realizing the other comes from a different place in language choice. The best advice? Meet in the middle. To the best of your ability, choose words that fall into common and usual usage, not work world, slang or classic English literature.
4a. Too Many Words (for women only, usually). Many women provide great detail and exact names, making a story very well-rounded with no stone unturned. Many men find this confounding. They like direct speech, get to the point, no frills. This doesn't mean men always speak this way, but they do like to listen this way. So, ladies, try keep the word count down and make your point -- your husband will most likely assist you with this. Respectfully. It's something to ask him about, at the very least. My husband appreciates that I don't always give the unabridged version of a situation or event, and when we have a discussion going, I can more easily trim the extra in order to come to a conclusion. We have learned to give a little on each end, and appreciate our differences, and we had to start somewhere. This was Square One for me!
5. The Monologue. Communication always has two sides, or it becomes a speech. When one person has the floor and rarely relinquishes it, the other person will begin to feel insignificant, as if her thoughts or needs have no place, or fall into second place, if voiced at all. Monologues happen when a person feels unheard or disrespected. Willingness to listen and taking the time and energy to clarify and understand meaning should put an end to monologues. A spouse does not have to agree in order to listen and understand. A simple, "I hear you," often works wonders, and as long as the conversation pattern shows listening and caring responses, each person should feel heard and respected.
The biblical instruction to let our words mean what they mean and to not overemphasize or try to distort our speech to gain favor or enforce our point means simply this: say what you mean and mean what you say. Do this without force or malice, without harshness or thoughtlessness. Speak with respect and love, with concern for your spouse and with care to protect him and you will find more peace in all of your communication.
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