Dare to be Different

Many mentalities, or ways of thinking, color our world.  The way a person thinks determines not only her outlook on life, but also her relationship to other people and her perception of self.  A dictionary definition of mentality reads:

Noun The characteristic attitude of mind or way of thinking of a person or group: "the yuppie mentality of the eighties". The capacity for intelligent thought.

Some of the common types -- pack mentality, herd or mob mentalities, crab mentality, bandwagon mentality,  victim mentality and even regional or country of origin mentality contribute to a way of thinking based on common methods, dispositions, economics and values.

Have you considered wife mentality?  Too many specific descriptions of a wife's way of thinking make outlining a wifely role harder to accomplish.  However, as wives, we exhibit the same descriptors as the mentalities noted above, and more.

A wife may see marriage through herd or mob thinking, following family and social patterns of a wife's role and not carving her own niche or taking a divergent path to better meet the needs of her specific relationship.  Or, a wife may see through the eyes of a pack member, organizing a support system that backs self against prey (husband/power), working to stay viable and strong as if her survival depends on her position.  A wife may act as a crab, pulling down a husband's self-esteem and value to rebel against his success at work, at home or in social circles in effort to keep him "in his place".

A wife on a bandwagon looks to another human model of success based on what she sees and hears; a surface-level, superficial assessment of success.  She attempts to copy/follow this model, hoping to achieve the level of success she detects on the surface, or from what the role model encourages or advertises.  On the bandwagon, wifehood looks like a brand that someone else sells.  The wife tries, buys and gives her loyalty based on overblown successes and the rallying cry of others on the same wagon.  Bandwagons do not promote independent thinking, relying on marketing and advertising to woo "members". 

A wife may think as a victim (**please know that anyone who falls victim to domestic abuse needs help and support by outside sources and by prayer.  The following description does not refer to that very real, involuntary situation).  This learned behavior comes in the form of a self-described and self-motivated "perpetual sufferer". This kind of wife thrives on sympathy for her marital predicament as she illustrates it, willing to describe her suffering (complaints, disappointment, anger, accusations/blame) in often dramatic detail. This wife speaks ill of her husband in his absence and berates, complains about, and nags him on multiple issues without many breaks in the diatribe.

Mentalities formed by culture can go along with any of the other types at the same time. Based on local, regional and national influences, these ways of thinking unite cultures and create social norms. Women can feel part of a sisterhood among other women, and can share cultural bonds specific to their environment. Positive and negative influences intertwine and create a fabric for that culture. Women may feel safe when shrouded in that fabric within that culture.

Do you notice one missing thread?  God.  Not one of these ways of thinking considers God's word, or hints at any biblical links in the chains that bind people to these ways of thinking.

I have taken on several of these mentalities at one time or another.  I held ideals prior to marrying and in our early years of marriage, that followed the herd.  I molded to family patterns and clung to them for familiarity, not understanding that marriage needs individual adjustment, and maybe (gasp) leaving tradition behind.   I left out God, except for about a 20-minute span at the altar.  Later, I took up with the crab way of thinking as I entered a season of unemployment and lack of support structures after moving to a new area.  When my husband began building relationships at work and in volunteer activities, I spent more energy trying to keep him at my level as I struggled with loneliness and feeling inferior (both unspoken).  And, I left out God.  I think I have jumped on a bandwagon here and there, in bits and pieces.  I'm not a joiner.   Nonconforming appeals to me.  Occasionally, a positive role model will appear and I feel enthusiasm building ... the desire to get me what she has.  Fortunately, God helps me discern where I should spend my time and energy when it comes to role models.  I have learned to observe, question and look for truth above all, and not fall for package deals.  I didn't bring God into those phases, either. 

In a cultural sense, I have a place in the world as an American Wife.  I think that this mentality seeks to have/do/be everything with style and a cucumber-cool aura.  I used to juggle activities and spin multiple plates, never allowing anything to hit the ground on my watch.  The American Wife has it all together and keeps the family schedule -- the one she has crafted -- running smoothly.  She signs the kids up for sports, lessons and Scout meetings and volunteers every time someone puts out a sign-up list.  She probably works full time, too, and has little energy at the end of the day to do more than few loads of laundry and get kids to bed with some time to spare to unwind.  She often puts her marriage last, if she even thinks about it as a living element of her life, in need of nurturing, growing and maintenance.  God doesn't have a standing invitation here, either.

How we think about our role as a wife matters.  No mentality fits any of us from the start -- we take them on only when we have decided to cope in a difficult situation or when we have taken the lead in our marriage and family. 

We need to find God's direction and become a Christian Wife.  We really do need to dare to be different.  Leave the herd, abandon the pack, swim away from the other crabs, jump off the bandwagon, end the complaining, and expand cultural norms by a God-sized measure.  Every one of us needs to find the pulse of our marriage and learn how little or how much we put toward its health and growth.  A marriage showing vigorous growth and excellent health has room to improve.  If your marriage has entered a coma-like state, just existing without quality of life, you have much more work to do, but you have to start somewhere.  You may be in the middle, finding a few issues to face, but not really facing them.  Face them -- start small, but face them.

None of the mentalities outlined here will ever help.  They may put a bandage over the wound, or take away a little of the ache, but they will never offer permanent relief and may, in fact, cause new symptoms of difficulty or failure.  They're human fixes and cause chaos in some form, usually appearing in the form of the human guinea pigs called "husband" and "children".  Human fixes work for a while, then exhaust themselves or twist into something different as we age, change and continue to learn. 

Then, there's God.  The never-changing, all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present Creator of All. A God-focused mentality allows for oneness, depth, shared purpose, constance, intimacy, peace and growth as a couple.  God created marriage and stated from the start how it should work.  Man leaves his parents to enter life with his wife by his side.  Woman brings her strengths to meet his and support him as he leads her and the family they build together.  They become one flesh by sharing all of life together:  the emotional, the physical, the spiritual and the mental. 

Joining man-made groups that encourage coping, dominance or independence ensures defeat or short-lived success in marriage. Join something strong and permanent. Latch onto something that will carry you through every hill and valley of your marriage relationship, and will never leave you or forsake you. 

Take hold of faith in God, that he has all you need to bring your marriage to the right place.  The time to get there may not suit your taste exactly, but with prayer, study, and focus on God's plan for marriage, you will find the path, and when you do, the alternatives will turn to the dust they really are and sift away ... and the Truth will really set you free.

Believe it.  Thousands of marriages have found the way, and not one of them got there by thinking the way the "rest of the world" does!

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