Serious Side-Effects of Being Married to Me

What shortcomings, wrong-doing and negatives can you list about your husband?

Now, think about these:

What shortcomings do you own?
What wrongs have you done today?  This week?  This year?
What do you do that bothers your husband?
What personality traits do you portray that could use adjustment or annihilation?
What grudges do you hold?
What walls have you built between yourself and your husband?
What judgments/assumptions/misgivings do you have about your husband in any way (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional)?

Who feels easier to assess?  Which person do you know better?

In Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "Now You're Speaking My Language", as well as in his live marriage seminars, this question comes up as a though-provoking beginning to improving a marriage.

The first time I encountered the exercise, I could easily list several things about my husband that irritated me, made me angry, caused me to doubt him in several ways, and drove me farther from him.  His faults.  His sins.  His inability to please ME.

I had a terrible time coming up with anything about myself.  Sarcastic.  Stubborn.  Hmmmm ...  DONE!

After learning to look at my own long list of of serious side-effects of being married to me, I do not feel ashamed to examine my trouble spots.  I have shined the high-lumen output of God on myself (I prayed, asking God to show me where I fail and where I need to work on ME) and learned that I can face my human failings and make changes.

I thought it would hurt.  I thought I would appear weak.  I thought my husband would gloat.  I thought people would wonder why I act different and that I would feel others watching me.  I thought I would feel exposed.  I thought I would feel ineffective in my roles as wife, mother, daughter, sibling and friend.

It just so happens, I felt the reverse.  I felt healed of the nagging irritation of needing to look "perfect" in various areas of life.  I felt stronger as I proceeded, discovering bigger faith and more ability to trust God with everything.  My husband, straightaway, began leading me and our family without a hint of self-importance.  Other people began coming to me for advice in several areas of struggle -- and I hadn't said or written a word about my introspection and subsequent changes.  I felt open to the situations of others, and a great need to share my  own struggles to help them understand theirs.  I tuned into my roles in life differently -- I found I didn't have to juggle anymore, that help came through my Lord and  Savior, and by guidance of the Holy Spirit ... not through my own thoughts or desire to manage life to my own "just so" view.

What did I come up with?  Lots of female tendencies, which sounds sexist, but I'm a female, too, so bear with me as I share a few.

- dodging the truth -- this means not lying "completely", but withholding some of the truth to make something look less ... wrong?  Example:  When asked the cost of a purchase, round down from $20 to $15.  I still don't know why I ever thought this mattered.
- controlling behavior -- using the mind set that I wanted to "smooth rough spots", I managed to script conversations I wasn't part of but jumped into anyway, micromanage activities involving my husband and children working together, attempt to translate child's needs to my husband so he could "understand", and so forth.
- independent decision-making -- no problem when ordering a meal for myself or deciding what to wear today, but that wasn't my limit.  I signed children up for activities, made plans for evenings or weekends, or made purchases ... without consulting my husband at all, and sometimes telling him about these decisions at the last minute.  No joy comes from this.
- arguing to avoid facing facts -- this one is difficult to detect.  You don't know you're doing it until God helps you see, and then he makes it so obvious you have to stop ... you can't stand yourself anymore.  This kind of arguing happens when a husband says, "It really bothers me that you do _____."  When you counter-attack with a shortcoming you notice of his, you belong on this bandwagon.
- going out for coffee -- What?  Really?  Also known as "Empathizing with Other Wives in the Same Boat", this behavior happens when someone says, "Can you believe my husband did ______?" And you not only believe it, you add your own experience for everyone to hear ... and thereby judge your husband through your eyes.  This is sabotage and slander.
- devaluing my husband's needs -- I deflated my husband's needs by judging them, putting them into a self-tiered hierarchy, and then compared them to my unmet needs.  This serves in guaranteeing not only a stalemate, but accounts for about 2/3 of the Wall of Resentment built between us over the years.
- adopting a "holier than thou" view -- as the "stronger Christian", I patted myself on the back for seeing my own brand of righteousness at work, and seeing my husband's sins so clearly.  Classic "Plank and Speck" at work (Matthew 7:3).

If you can identify even one of these in your life, you still have some work to do.

I learned these behaviors over time, and I could create a timeline noting approximately when each began and the times in our marriage when they grew or shrank in intensity.  I took on some tendencies for reasons of self-preservation.  I took on others in the desire to not lose control of situations.  I took on all of them with the deep desire to make our marriage better!

Any one of these tendencies brought destructive results that continued to build with every unresolved conflict and with every scornful and self-righteous argument.  I could easily explain any of them away by applying logic in the "if-then" schematic.  If he did X, then I did Y.  The truth is, I made the choice to "do Y,"  and could have turned the whole situation around with a simple act of humility.

I did not have humility in relation to my husband.  To everyone else in the world, yes, but not for his benefit.

The side-effects to being married to me in the days before I began taking on these behaviors were encouragement, support, gently-offered wisdom, refuge from the world, acceptance, honor, respect, easily-shown love, openness, truth, and humility. These characteristics own the opposite effects of the bold list above.

Which list of side-effects look better on you?  Which do you want to see reflected from your husband?

You want side-effects as you work at your marriage.  You want the ones that seriously, without a shadow of a doubt, make your marriage strong and better than you ever could have imagined.  Loving actions trickle down, my friend.  When you've turned the corner to working WITH your husband (dual focus) instead of FOR your marriage (singular focus), you see the benefits -- no maybe, no mistake.

You do it through prayer.  You do it by looking deep into YOU.  You fix YOU so he can find his way again.  He won't find you in shadows or promises, he will find only real, fought-for changes that will show without a search party or strong light.  When you change YOU, the light shines and spreads. You can be a light in someone else's darkness.  Your husband makes a fine target audience.