In our marriage, we began as excellent communicators on superficial subjects. Work, grocery lists, getting the oil changed in the car, making plans for Christmas shopping, taking out the trash, what to cook for dinner, and so forth. When it came to deeper issues, we clammed up until the situation had grown to monstrous proportions, and then the dam broke and ten subjects went under our individual microscopes at once, and onto the table of conversation in giant, tilting and toppling stacks.
Chaos.
Where Communication Almost Always Goes Wrong
My husband and I avoided discussing issues that might rock the boat. Early in our marriage, we floated along smoothly, as if in a gondola in the Tunnel of Love ride at the amusement park. We waited to talk about "big" issues until they grew unbearable to one of us. Mistake #1. Mistake #2 took the form of throwing everything out into the open at once. Mistake #3 involved including strong emotion in the conversation, and then when we felt unheard or unvalidated or misunderstood, an avalanche of feeling hit the table around which we attempted to communicate. Loudness happened.
Forget the Tunnel of Love. We conversed in some sort of twisted Marriage Amusement Park -- where no one has any fun and we keep getting back in line for the same stomach-wrenching ride. We would aim for the nice, easy Marriage-Go-Round, but end up in line for the Emotional Roller Coaster. With each hill climb we'd gather our nerve and try to settle our uneasiness by drumming up diversional topics and then let everything fly as we careened down the other side.
Avoiding discussion on the difficult topics will lead to derailing communication in marriage, but piling several topics on at once makes a complete train wreck pretty much inevitable.
Stick to ONE
We do have a choice. We can stop the wild ride that continually loops and takes the same climbs, plunges, and reckless turns by stopping ourselves from getting on in the first place.
How? Stick to one topic. This sounds simple enough, but when a couple has learned to add topics to already-running arguments, it takes some doing. We are doing it every day, and if two stubborn first-borns can, anyone can accomplish great things in their marriage talk. It takes effort, self-control, consideration, kindness, and lots more self-control.
Behind the Scenes Maintenance
It takes looking your flaws in the face to communicate well. In our marriage, I take everything to heart, while my husband sometimes seems to have no heart on some issues and views everything as either logical or illogical.
To keep these traits from upsetting the balance, we talked this out, first, as a sharing of opinion and experience with each other -- how we view each other when communicating on past difficult issues. This wasn't a quick-fix for our discussions, and we do review what we know about each other from time to time -- we don't always see our own flaws, but our spouses sure do, and knowing how he perceives me makes a great difference to success in our marriage. After you share your grievances and hopes about personality and tactics in communication, you're ready to make the move to sticking to the topic.
NOTE: You may not have the ability to discuss these issues first for a variety of reasons. You don't have to take this step, but it does help if you can manage to do it.
From Start to Finish
When I have an issue to discuss with my husband, possibly a large repair on a vehicle (financial discussions set our coaster rolling) I:
- gather my facts
- pray about the conversation
- let him know I have something to talk about with him and *decide on a time to meet about it
*the time could be NOW, so completing the first two in advance of making an appointment really has to happen first
Before we have our discussion, I pray again, and ask for guidance in sticking to the topic and not diverting or allowing myself to be diverted from it. If the discussion happens immediately, quick prayers do just fine. God can do great things on the fly.
When we meet for the discussion, I keep my tone level or a bit on the upbeat side and not accusatory or demanding. As we begin, I might feel uneasy, and I have learned to say so and to say why, such as, "I really don't like talking money matters, because it has been an area that has sparked arguments in the past -- I want to get that out there -- and I feel better about it every time." This helps my husband to understand any trepidation over the subject, and allows him to see that I want to come out together at the end of it.
As we enter the conversation, I focus on my facts and on how I present them. They can't just fly out willy-nilly, shooting down the hill at the speed they certainly have in the past. Controlling my own thoughts and mouth does wonders for sticking to the topic because if I feel opposition coming I would much rather divert it. Using self-control allows me to meet opposition and learn to handle it in a positive way. Avoiding trouble is one of my flaws. I know it, and I am learning to face and fix it.
If I meet with a diversion from my husband -- perhaps he brings up that I mishandled a past situation like this one, or he chooses to pick apart my facts (he's a detail man) -- I need to keep my composure and guide him to stay on the track with me. Maybe he will bring up another decision we have to make with the "since I have you here" idea in his mind, and want to cover another issue or two. Stick to one. Not stubbornly, but kindly, and with a smile. I have said, "Let's stick to the decision we need to make about this before tackling anything else. We have the information, we just need a decision and I will do whatever you think best. If you'd like, I don't mind discussing something else afterward."
Directing back to the topic immediately works, and both partners can pick up the ability with each new conversation. You may have the blessing of a great first run and move on smoothly from there. Others of us work at it little by little, making progress on a slower track, but it's progress, no matter how slow or fast.
Moving Forward
Sticking to a discussion topic may seem obvious, but in many marriage communication dilemmas, one or both spouses has no idea they have gone to another topic or added in three extra ideas to consider. Once you begin staying on topic and handling diversions successfully, you may find you and your husband begin to bring up more individual topics throughout a day or week -- you may find yourselves talking more often, and about deeper issues.
Good discussion breeds more good discussion. Marriage can only get better with that kind of talk.
What kinds of things have you tried to keep conversations running on the right track? What has or hasn't worked?
No comments:
Post a Comment