It's pre-travel stress.
Traveling creates stress, no matter if it occurs for business or pleasure. Give me a "whoop" if you have experienced any crankiness or unease when making plans for vacation. What about when dates available don't match your target dates? When that last load of laundry just won't dry fast enough? When questions interrupt thought processes at a pivotal moment? I feel stress just writing it.
Planning and Preparation Take a Toll
When my husband makes business travel reservations, we all pay here at home. It's a simple truth that has taken years for us to understand well enough to cha-cha around successfully. I know that the minute I receive a copy of my husband's travel schedule, he will become quieter, a little sullen and distant, and usually much shorter-tempered.
Pardon the pun, but he and I can temper all of these things. The biggest obstacle in doing so takes the form of remembering. Remembering that the planning of a business trip triggers a whirlpool of negative feelings and outlooks, and then remembering that these reactions offshoot into our everyday life. Remembering to instruct the children in how to handle the uneasy feelings and unusual reactions around this time, as well as reminding ourselves of these phenomena as the adults in charge.
We need a lifejacket in these times, and this takes the two-layer form of prayer to God and open communication between my husband and me to support us. When we face the fury with our hatches battened, we understand it better and can control our actions and reactions far more successfully than we used to do. Pray and talk, pray and talk. Two steps that go far in gaining a foothold on the stress that tries to pack itself into every nook and cranny of the travel lifestyle.
Pre-Travel Stress Unchecked
For years, my husband suffered not only the stress of impending travel, but of my ignorance of the stress he felt when a trip loomed on the horizon. I reacted as a victim of the upcoming travel (woe is me) and as a victim of his stress reactions. When I should have shown sympathy or empathy for his having to uproot and head into the world alone, I showed self-absorption in my own lot in our life.
Stressors involved in impending business travel can include:
- pressure to keep with status/hierarchy in the business environment
- anxiety over interpersonal relationships in the temporary workplace
- dealing with language barriers (including signage and non-work-related conversation)
- handling of transportation and navigation in unfamiliar territory
- maintaining order of personal belongings and business-related paraphernalia
- keeping up with daily work load in addition to the travel schedule
- loneliness
- knowingly missing activities/events involving children/family
- meeting flights, trains, taxis and scheduled meetings on time
- cultural differences (even within one's home country)
- keeping in touch with family for peace of mind and to fulfill need for connection
- time zone changes
When the business traveler has no confidant (that would be his wife) with whom to divulge his innermost feelings on his travel requirement for work, where does that leave him?
In the cold, that's where.
I incorrectly viewed my husband's travel as get-away experiences, sight-seeing and enjoying new places and customs. He shared photographs and stories that, to me, affirmed these views, neglecting to add that he felt lonely or insecure or disgruntled while on the road. Men. Show no weakness. He did not lean on me, and, stubbornly, I did not lean on him because I lacked understanding of his real situation, and also because I knew that showing him need or weakness added more stress to his already tightly-wound life.
Checking the Emotional Baggage of Pre-Travel Stress
In the past several years, we have found that it easier to check the emotions involved in this business travel life than to lug them in a carry-on bag and keep them tucked away, taking up space needed for other thoughts and feelings that benefit our relationship. Knowing negative feelings reside in the bag feels like bringing banned items into an airport ... undesirable, guilt-ridden, uncomfortable, scrutinized and insecure.Similar to airport security's mission, we have marriage security at stake here, and scanning the contents of our hearts and minds and intently searching through our feelings to share what's really inside gives way to truth and trust. Once we establish those bonds and keep checking them regularly, we get into a rhythm and everything runs smoothly.
If you throw an unknown into the bag and don't reveal it, the conveyor stops and further investigation takes place -- this leaves a husband and wife doubtful about that forced disclosure as well as about what else might rest in the bag. Marriage needs total transparency to have complete trust. Anything that feels tucked into a pocket or disguised in different packaging will raise red flags and cause distrust that will lead to even greater stress for both spouses.
Up-end the mixed bag of feelings you both have collected due to living this kind of life. Don't let things go until you meet with a forced search and dramatic commotion over supposition and possibility. Share what you're carrying and you'll find peace of mind, deep trust and devotion, and greater intimacy.
The Send-Off
My business traveler husband will never love what he does, taking to the skies or hitting the highway. I can either bar him from working out those feelings, thereby creating emotional distance aside from the obvious physical distance from the travel itself, or I can help unload them and label them so that he can move forward feeling heard, respected, loved, dearly missed, and greatly anticipated at the end of his travels.
After sharing the stresses that come from preparing for travel, a husband and wife should make a great effort to plan for the homecoming experience, too.
- share your yearning for his presence, and your anticipation for his arrival home
- create a count-down on the calendar for each trip and display it for him to see
- plan a homecoming celebration and hint to him about it
- tuck a greeting card or a note into his bag to find upon his arrival at the hotel
- text him and e-mail him, letting him know he is on your mind and in your heart
- ask him to call when he can or use a Facetime or Skype application on your Smart Phone or computer to aid in face-to-face communication
When you begin to practice looking forward to being together again, the stress of each trip still comes out, but you begin to gain more control of it. Some travels produce more stress than others, so it makes sense to gauge stress and the need to vent or discuss it from trip to trip. One method of handling the pre-trip jitters and upheaval will not fit every travel situation.
The most important thing is to pray for peace, guidance, strength and grace for both of you as the plans progress, and create some patterns with room for surprises as the departure date nears. Surprise him with a special dessert, a short outing around town, or a stroll in the park, giving him some unexpected time to unwind with a something to divert his attention.
No comments:
Post a Comment