Accusatory Language and You

You.

You always.
You never.
You make me.
You should have.
You didn't.
You could.
You ought to.

Phrases like these often bode no good when it comes to quality communication in marriage.  So many times, these phrases play out with eyebrow-raising, derogatory or blaming words.  Fighting words, at least to the person on the other side.  Of course, they can end with positive meaning, but when it comes to communicating feelings and needs, these phrases jump into the discussion unannounced, unwanted and unchecked.  They bring out the seething and the claws.

We married folk don't enter a discussion with this kind of outcome in mind.  It seems to "just happen."

How does it "just" happen?  We forget to think thoroughly, engage our brains, and hear what comes out of our own vocal cords.  When words that hurt just flow from my tongue effortlessly, I need to stop wondering why he seems so easily peeved/irritated/angered and notice that I keep encouraging his reactions with my choice of words.  We desperately need self-control when interacting with everyone, yet with our spouses, some of us resemble three-year olds in our disregard to our part in the situation.

Not me!  Yeah.  It's you.  I know it was me, and sometimes still is ... but I'm learning, and that's far better than status quo.

When in a discussion with our husbands, avoiding use of "you" as often we see it coming will change the course of the conversation.  Self-righteousness flees the scene when caution and conscious thought come to the rescue.

You may want to use the word because what you're saying calls for it.  Well, of course.  Put some thought into it and learn to harness "you" for the interest of your marriage and the mental health of your husband.  Mine, for instance, gets a little crazy when I start a sentence with "you".

Assess how it will present itself.
Will it accuse or uplift?
Will it defame or delight?
Will it cause harm or good?

Evaluate "you".  Watch and listen for when it comes out and why, and learn to stop yourself from unveiling it in negative ways to the man you call "husband."  It helps immensely to recall situations in which you have felt discouraged, paralyzed or angered by that word when used against you.  No fun, is it?

This post is short and to the point.  So is "you".  It can either point a finger of blame or consternation, or it can be the target of love ... as in "I love you."


Use it wisely.