Disagreement Done Right IS Communication

My name is Amy and I enjoy a good debate.
Many people think debate means argument.  Yes, it does, but it means positive sharing of differing opinions based on fact, not irate shoutings of opinion for opinion's sake.  Desire to win or be "right" gives argument a bad reputation.

Disagreement, done right, does a lot of good.

During our year-long engagement, my husband once spoke a sentence I'll never forget because it proved how much reality we lacked.  He said simply,

"I can't image us ever arguing."

I burst out laughing, which made him feel insignificant, and I still feel pangs of guilt from it.  Yet, his words spoke volumes.  Prior to marriage, we lived our best for each other, gave our best to each other, and saw only what we wanted to see. Argument?  Why?  Really?  Huh-uh!  We agreed well.

We acted as married people should act.  We lived love daily.  We served each other and put self last.  We loved, honored and cherished, and we really meant it.

We walked down the aisle after a lovely ceremony and our dubbing as "Mr. and Mrs." and headed into the sunset of that day, figuring the same joy and hope would simply ... follow ... into every sunset thereafter.

And, as we all know, reality met us head-on somewhere on the other side of that first sunset.  Toothpaste tubes and other petty irritations gave rise to argument, and we didn't do it well.

It is sometimes essential for a husband and a wife to quarrel 

- they get to know each other better.  

~Goethe

Not understanding how marital communication could work, having our own separate ideas built on 20-something years of life under our parents' roofs and rules, neither of us knew what healthy disagreement looked like.  We knew what argument looked like, but not a good one.  We knew silent simmering, and explosive anger.  We knew self-righteousness and vindictiveness.  We knew long fuses and short fuses, and we could identify strong opinions and lethal judgements, but did not have a single idea how to guide the conversation to avoid the pitfalls of angry feelings, unvoiced but visible emotions, and male-female differences in communication.

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.  ~Joseph Barth

You can disagree and still understand the other point of view, and care about it.  It takes practice, and it takes following a few simple rules.  The nasty side of arguing comes out when emotion ranks higher than truth and we allow ourselves to run in the opposite direction and show "power" as our egos perceive it:  through word choice, inflection, body language and volume, the hallmarks of the negative style of arguing.

Neither person's feelings can rightly direct the discussion because each person will have feelings involved.  Feelings are fickle.  They change with new information, and they appear and disappear for no solid reason that stands the test of time.  Feelings may oppose each other, or have a root in childhood or other life experiences that don't have a place in the topic at hand.  Emotional baggage comes with each person into marriage, and only understanding the contents and context of those emotions will dispel future arguments based on those emotions alone.  Discussion of these feelings has to happen in order to really understand each other and to put a leash on those emotions in future disagreements.

Here's a real-life example involving one of our newlywed decisions on how we would spend Christmas.  This decision played a part in our celebration for eleven years because we lived away from my family, and that, to me, meant my wishes had greater weight.  

The facts were:

1.  We needed to decide where to spend our available Christmas time (limited).

2.  We lived 8 hours away from my family.

3.  We lived 30 minutes from my  husband's family.

4.  We needed to share our time in a fair way.

The emotions/extraneous actions involved:

1.  I felt strong family ties and detachment from living away from family.
2.  My family traditions were many and very meaningful to me.
3.  My husband felt weak family ties and preferred celebrating alone, just with me.
4.  My husband's family traditions were few and changed over time, and unimportant to him.
5.  Neither of us wanted to give in to the other for selfish reasons that we couldn't explain because we feared investigating them to their root.
6.  We did not communicate effectively.
7.  We did not know how to assess our emotions, we felt the force of them and reacted to them.
8.  Each of us assumed we would come up against resistance, and fought vehemently.
9.  I cried.  I wasn't manipulative -- I felt utterly distraught at "losing."
10.  We were both very immature, and first-borns, to boot.

The emotions and extraneous information outweigh the facts, and I think that holds true in most arguments.  The facts appear easier to understand and discuss, don't they?  Paring down an argument/discussion/debate to the bare facts makes the focus of the talk clear and to the point.  When emotions begin to enter, a couple needs to agree on a signal to give, such as a touch on the hand or shoulder, or a word/phrase that will kindly indicate an emotional breach in the discussion.  There's no shame or blame in this -- it takes practice to argue well and to come to an agreement or to the point one person can concede out of love and respect.  Even stating, "I understand how you feel, and we can talk about it.  For now, let's stay with the facts.  We can do this."  You're in this together, it helps to address it that way.

You may not agree on the outcome.  This is where the word "submit" comes into play.  Submission happens both ways -- a respectful decision to submit means agreeing to take the other person's decision  and live with it because it won't hurt you, it's not sinning, and doing so feels right to you.  Submission is concession.  It does not mean admitting to a loss, or a negative.  It means unity of two people agreeing to take one idea and run with it.  The person whose idea gets the nod does not win, and the person who concedes does not lose.  The couple comes to a decision together, and they decide for the good of the other person.  A couple learns to respectfully submit to each other, and learns together when the time is right for it.

Some people are better at submission than others.  It does take some work, and it means shedding pride and replacing it with respect. It also means really understanding that these are acts of love.  If you find yourself on a playing field in marriage, competing for points or wins, you most definitely need to reassess your goals, direction and guiding force.  God doesn't compete.  He always wins.  

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, 

but how you deal with incompatibility.  

~Leo Tolstoy

If you wonder how the Christmas negotiations ended, we spent ten of eleven Christmases with my family, though not because the facts did point to it as solid reasoning.  My emotions swayed the discussions and  I have learned a lot from those old, mismanaged arguments!  Yet, if we had stuck to the facts, we would have made the same decision each time.  We can now discuss those emotions and understand each other better.  We have grown closer because of having a separate discussion on the emotional background of our reactions and thoughts on various subjects.  

Basing an argument on fact feels freeing -- when you work at it.  Leaving out the emotional reactions and backdrops feels even better.  We can talk frankly about the facts and candidly about the emotions, and after much practice, we can blend the two discussions sometimes. 

Last thing.  

Some basic rules of disagreement (add your own as you learn).

1.  Stick to the facts, avoiding emotional infiltration.

2.  Speak respectfully (use your manners) and listen completely.

3.  Ask questions to clarify, and rephrase what you hear to make sure you understand it well.

4.  Handle your spouse gently, as you would want from him.

5.  Pray -- before, during and after.  God will guide you, just remember to ask Him! 

God is over all.  Even when you falter in disagreement with your spouse, God can use it as a learning experience and you can move forward with anticipation for future discussions like this, as well as grow  intimacy with your spouse.  

When you follow some rules, you both win.  Disagreement brings unity through sharing, listening and understanding each other.  We all need more of that.  What it takes is willingness to learn.