Trust: You're Either In or You're Out

Do you trust?  Let's go one more.  Do you trust your husband? Only two answers apply.  Trust has a quirk in that anything aside from "yes" means no.

Maybe?  That leaves room for doubt, moving to "no".

Most of the time?  No, again.

Unless it has to do with money/time management/friends/other women/porn/lust/how he parents/making decisions?  No.


See the pattern?

In marriage, as in life, when it comes to trust you're either in or you're out.  Trust doesn't provide any grey areas.  It's complete, no matter how you look at it, how you'd like to bend it, or which direction you try to spin it.  Trust is absolute.  Yes or no.

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.  ~James 1:12

Ah, marriage.  If marriage isn't living "under trial", I don't know what is.  If you have a husband, you have stood under trials of all kinds since the day you tied the knot.  You have had arguments, both face-to-face and one-sided.  You have disagreed.  You have felt unloved.  You have compared your husband to others.  You have judged.  You have been judged.  You have cried tears of sorrow, shame, frustration and anger.  You may have given birth.  You have felt emotionally outcast.  You have cared for a husband with illness.  You have felt left out.  You have been tempted.  You have smiled when you wanted to cry.  You have parleyed with in-laws.  You have tried and failed.  You have paid bills with short funds, created dinner out of fragments, and made the most out of the least.  You have felt insignificant.  You have felt second to sports on television.  You have experience loneliness in a roomful of people.  You have cried over spilled milk.

You trials may be more than those, and they may be different.  The point remains, married people have some suffering under their belts.  The suffering happens in doses at different times, and we never want it or think we need it.  Sometimes, we just don't like each other very well.  We irritate each other, make the other pay (unintentionally) for a bad day, and simply don't put our best face on for each other at all times ... when we should always!  Having trust in the relationship makes a difference in all these experiences.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.   ~Proverbs 3:5-8

We can always, without any doubt, trust God.  He will never fail us.  Our human marriage partners -- our husbands -- may let us down from time to time, and sometimes for a long time, but God never, NEVER will.  He makes promises and keeps them, because love never fails, and God is love -- the inventor and the master of it.

And so, what do you do if you don't have the trust you know would make the difference in marriage?  

You love.  

You love deeply and always, and with every fiber of your being.  It will be hard, it will break you into pieces sometimes, and it can hurt.  It may not be returned to you in ways you will hope, but it will make the difference to you in your heart, your mind and your spirit.  

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, 

because love covers a multitude of sins. 

~1 Peter 4:8

You can learn to trust, just as you learned to love.  You have to put yourself out there to do it -- you can't go into trust-building half-heartedly, but you can do it one-sided, just as you can do in love.  As trust is all in, so is building it.  You may have a few bricks fall here and there, but you can put them back, firmly seat them and keep working.  Each woman's blueprint will look different.  I can't offer you mine to follow, nor can your best friend give you hers and hope you will find answers you need in your individual situation.  

Trust is not "one size fits all", and neither is the love that we foster in our relationship.  

Examine yourself, examine your daily life and your actions/reactions.  Look closely at how you receive information from the man you married.  Do you wear an expression of distrust?  Change it to a receptive, listening, caring one.  Do you second-guess most of what he says?  Go with the words he says without reframing them in negativity.  Do you put his needs last because of your trust issues?  Put his needs in the first space on your list -- every day.  The only person you can change is you ... those around you will feel the influence of your example, but you have to walk it instead of talk it.  

You can demand change, but you won't get it from the heart.  You can write a contract for change, but a person will find loopholes and alternate routes.  You can orchestrate change, but your husband might like different music and will dance in a different way.  You can pray for change, but sitting back and waiting for it will get you nowhere.

The person you can change = YOU.  Only and ever.  Everyone else will give you fits of frustration because you will have tried to be their own, personal, self-appointed Holy Spirit.  That never works.  From my own experience I affirm that!

Make changes in God's style, and change can happen.  BIG change.  Brace yourself for it!

Those who come from a place of lost trust know how it feels, and it doesn't contain any sweetness.  Whether you have done the damage yourself, or you suffered at the hands of your husband, the rebuilding can happen.  Like love, it takes time, patience and action -- three things most of us don't have when it comes to love and trust ... but the building of it and the power of it makes up for the use of our resources.  Bind time, patience and action with prayer, and you have a package that will deliver.

When you lean on God through trust-building, you also learn to trust in Him more.  He will guide your path, and He will hold you up when you feel you can't take another step.  You aren't in it alone, not for a minute.  But you have to make the connection, and keep it up every day.  

Feeling distrust hurts.  Feeling distrusted hurts.  Do your best to make the changes to help alleviate the pain, knowing that change lies in your hands.  You can't redistribute it, pawn it off, or pass the buck on this and find the peace of trust in your marriage, or in any relationship.  

Get with God and start on that blueprint, then follow it.  This is a construction project you can't afford to miss.