Dealing with Clutter in Marriage

Please allow me to introduce myself as a notorious clutter magnet. My kitchen counter and craft room appear to the onlooker as sliding stacks of "stuff", but rest assured, the chaos retains organization. I collect recipes, I save my children's artwork and writing, I keep mementos of life as it goes along, I keep scrapbooks, and the bills arrive at regular intervals. In this era of technological overload, my countertops and tables represent paperwork overload. I like tangible, physically sortable, visible reminders of what I have to do, what I have begun to accomplish, and what I have completed.
I have never lost anything.


I inherited the clutter gene from my mother, who prefers, as I do, neat, tidy organized living, but cannot seem to keep it that way. Clutter does not mean unclean. It, according to several sayings, indicates a creative mind. I love creating, and so, I have clutter. I craft, renovate, bake, cook, write, and have more ideas in more categories than I can ever hope to take on as the next task on the list.

And, I am married.

Marriage can collect clutter. Opposite creative clutter, clutter in marriage builds speed bumps, and dams. It stacks blocks for building walls and holds a wrecking ball handy for demolishing progress and dreams. It builds up, taking on the ability to crush the life out of two people who, at the start, came together for beautiful, cooperative and hopeful reasons, and who desired to forge a path that would walk them through all the wonder and joy marriage can offer.

In a cluttered marriage, just as I can with my kitchen counter, you can get to the bottom, sort the junk, keep the important items handy, and file away the pieces that lie farther down the list of things to do. It can shine, and offer space for constructive activities and for building terrific memories. It can glorify God and stand as an example that hard work makes a difference, and that those willing to roll up their sleeves and take it on can find success, and know how to work to keep it.

What does marriage clutter look like?

• bringing work home with you/not disengaging from work - train yourself, shut off the cell phone, don't check your e-mail/messages on your off time
• giving more time and attention to your children instead of to your spouse - children are a byproduct of marriage and need nurturing, but not more than your marriage does
• taking on extra duties at work - 'nuff said!
• taking on volunteer activities - they always seem quick and easy; they always grow to gigantic proportions that siphon your time and energy and leave your husband/family missing you
• thinking that if you don't do it (work or volunteer) no one else will - acting the "everywoman" at work or in volunteer efforts allows others to keep you there, steal your time, and add stress
• focusing on material desires rather than on marriage function - you will survive without having your kitchen renovated or having the latest fashions in your closet
• built-up resentment over issues you have avoided or not resolved in the past, issues keep repeating - deal with your marital issues; listen carefully, respond even more carefully!
• "me time" becomes more important than "he and me time - don't edge out your husband in favor of yourself, learn to make your time together your "me time".  It feels terrific!
• friends have easy access to you - when you make your husband wait so you can tend to your friends' needs and troubles, you're telling him they have greater importance
• cleaning the house, manicuring the lawn, decorating rooms, cooking gourmet meals, etc., steal your energy and interest in cleaning, manicuring, decorating and cooking your marriage - everything needs a ranking in importance, with marriage at #1 ... under God.
• procrastinating/putting off the needs of your husband because you don't think he really knows what he needs anyway, he's just selfish - this is self-righteous judgment and very wrong.  
• comparing your spouse, your house, your children, your vacations (or lack thereof), your clothing, your job, your housekeeping -- anything that causes you to feel inferior gives you an unrealistic sense of need to improve.  Stop caring about how you measure up to the world and start caring how your marriage works.
• Internet - need I explain?
• cell phone - lump this in with Internet.  You know the score.

There are more.

Anything that builds up in your system and takes time and focus from what really matters -- a solid, God-powered marriage, does your attempts at wedded bliss no good.  Please don't take this to mean you should quit  working, stop taking care of your children, let yourself and your home go to rack and ruin ... you need to find a balance, and there's nothing like a good, healthy, "hey there, God ... what should I do?  Please help me work this out," can't improve.

Pare down your expectations in life, carve out the time stealers and the waste and get down to business.

Clean out the clutter in your marriage, set yourself down on the road to Marital Bliss and start praying for direction, guidance, perseverance, patience, self-control, motivation, focus, ideas on serving your husband, and for forgiveness for your oversight in doing what you should for your man and your marriage.

I pray these things often.  I'm not close to sainthood, nor to perfection in any way.  I need God's grace to fill me, his Son to pave the way for me, and his Spirit to push and pull me in the directions I need to go.  A holy GPS beats anything our electronic age can manage when it comes to marriage.

There's a GPS joke in there somewhere, but I'm not telling it.