On any front, answering without arguing takes great responsibility. It means thinking before speaking. It means having humility and having respect for the speaker. It means considering someone else's viewpoint without feeling led to offer another. It means treating the speaker respectfully, the way the listener wants to be treated.
Contradicting, second-guessing, offering opposing thoughts, opining, correcting -- all forms of arguing that some of us, dare I say many of us, use on a daily basis in conversation with those we love. How often do we harpoon a husband's thoughts just as they've entered the waters of the conversation so we can avert certain discussions or avoid the usual conflict ... only to create another one with our argumentative speech? How many times do we shoot down the ideas of our children, just as they're taking wing and rising toward more independence?Those things seem straight forward, to the point, and plied generously with common sense. Now, consider how often you use those positive reactions in real life.
Answer without arguing. This lesson in "Ten Ways to Love" might stand out as THE ONE. The one that we overlook or devalue because it forces us to face facts. It encourages us to speak truth without tainting it with opinion. It makes us really study ourselves and come to terms with our failure at listening.
Proverbs 17:1 illustrates it like this:
Better a dry crust with peace and quiet
than a house full of feasting, with strife.
Happiness with only the basics, or disgruntlement with all other needs covered in full? This does not mean a trade-off. You can't give up the plenty you might have right now and suddenly find peace and quiet in your home or marriage. A peaceful home, in both attitude and conversation, begins with everyone involved standing firm on the fact that listening attentively to others has to happen first. Then, and only then, will engaging conversation occur, yet that depends on if, and only if each one involved in answering does so with the peace and mercy of God in the response.
No arguing.
We once lived next door to a couple who had three children. The father cared for them during the afternoon while the mother worked, and he liked to keep busy outdoors. He kept the children outside with him, playing and running and sometimes helping. We could see and hear them easily, as our home stood on the edge of their yard where most of their activity took place.
Our clearest memory of that father and his children comes from arguing. Each time their dad gave instructions, one or more of the children would answer with an argument as to why he or she did not want or should not have to act as he commanded. The father would return the argument, hoping, I think, to cajole the child(ten) into complying with his wishes. Not a day went by that did not present us with one of these argument-led encounters. The give and take between the father and his children put him in a position of weakness. Their disrespectfulness, exemplified in their refusals -- unwillingness to do as he said the first time, peppered the interaction with stress.
My husband and I vowed never to allow that kind of repartee. Well, guess what? We have allowed it, feeling the need for our children to understand our wishes and expectations, rather than simply expecting obedience. The toddlerhood "why" moved right along into childhood, and we kept answering, even when the "why" grew manipulative. We dropped the ball on the first throw, and have had to recover and start the game again many times, because we lost our control of the game in the first seconds.
Adult interaction, especially between married couples, looks much different, of course. We don't speak to a spouse with the expectation of obedience. We do speak with the expectation of the other listening, understanding, supporting, and helping (if we ask).
What we get may look like these examples:
1. Him: I see the weather forecast shows rain every day this week.
Her: Oh, I don't think it will rain. You trust the forecast too much.
2. Her: We need to drive our daughter to soccer practice tonight. This week seems so busy; it feels
hard to keep up sometimes.
Him: The kids have too many activities. We need to change that.
3. Him: I'd like to focus on our budget and start saving as much as we can. We haven't worked all
that hard on it in the past.
Her: But we have had more unexpected bills this year, more doctor's appointments, even for you,
and the cost of everything keeps rising.
Tension, even a tiny bit, leads to more strife and discontent. These small illustrations lead to bigger altercations. In many marriages and families, these short discourses end in loud and long battles -- over the weather forecast, a ride to practice, or a suggestion about looking out for the family's future.
How could the responses change?
1. More rain? I hope that forecast changes during the week, do you?
2. I can drive her if you want to get something else done. I feel the same way about the busy week,
but I'm glad the kids have the opportunities they do. They have learned a lot.
3. I know what you mean. I wish we had more saved, and if we put our minds to it, I know we can
find ways to adjust our spending so we can save more. Let me pull out the bills ...
Argument happens when we feel attacked or feel that someone blames us. It happens when we feel at fault, or when we truly are at fault and haven't admitted it. Argument happens out of habit, and out of need to have something to say. Argument happens when a heart fills with negativity instead of positive thoughts and actions.
If you check your tongue in with your brain starting right now, you will see and feel immediate difference. Kudos to you who answer everyone in kindness -- you make great role models! As for the rest of us, purposefully process what others say and respond positively, with thought to their thoughts, with consideration. Train yourself to enter conversation with the other person's feelings and perspective in mind and without the dire need to express yourself, no holds barred.
Remember, having only what you need in a peaceful environment beats having great bounty while you live in conflict. I'd much rather have a chunk of bread and live with my husband peacefully than to have more than we need and choke on the leashed fury caught in my throat all the time.
Betting you feel the same way.
Other articles in this series:
- Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
- Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
- Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
- Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
- Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting
- Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
- Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
- Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing
- Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing
- Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering
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