Share without pretending. Even rereading that sentence doesn't clear it up for me. Yet, the verse from Ephesians 4:15 used to illustrate it gives much more clarity:
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head,that is, Christ.
To speak the truth in love to a husband -- or to anyone -- takes more than tact, forethought, and application of the Golden Rule. To speak the truth in love needs backbone:
- prayer -- always the first stop in any undertaking --give him the whole issue to work on
- submission to the truth -- discerning the truth through faith and knowledge. Oppose
the bold, blatant truth of today's culture that is based on opinion and self-indulgence
the bold, blatant truth of today's culture that is based on opinion and self-indulgence
- discretion - taking into account a person's feelings, possible reactions, and personality
- responsibility - taking ownership of your words and actions toward someone else, knowing that
your words have power to hurt or heal
The rest of the verse focusing on Christ-likeness, targets all who profess Christianity. Remember, Christ wasn't just a nice guy who healed, cast out demons, taught, and raised some folks from the dead. He provided long-reaching goal of perfection, having never sinned, never fallen to temptation, never hosted negative thoughts, never misled anyone, and then some.
We copy those attributes by following instructions such as this: share without pretending.
Sharing without pretending means to speak to the man you married in a way that shows respect, caring and ... if you don't believe you're feeling it now ... love. This entails treating him the way you want to be treated, not withholding decency and kindness because you believe he should show them first, not lying or hiding truth (white lies are still lies, ladies), and on top of everything, keeping his well-being (physical, spiritual, mental and emotional) in your line of vision at all times, next in line to your love for God. It looks a little like this, for lack of better graphics:
GOD
husband
me
This does not mean a woman holds less significance in the marriage relationship or in life; it means I put the love of God first in my life, the needs of my husband next, and it's up to li'l ol' me to keep this distinct order so that I find balance. When I take this course of action, rather than studying up on my wants, desires and unmet needs, I feel a very interesting empowerment, but not the "I am woman, hear me roar," kind of power. I feel able to change the course in my marriage from the so-so and the ho-hum to the magnificent and the fabulous! When my husband and I traveled rocky road (as in Rock of Gibraltar) in our marriage, sharing without pretending let me feel the difference between the dive off the rock into the abyss of failure and the climb toward healing. Whatever your state of marriage, making the shift to sharing without pretending means positive change.
This seems contrary to our human nature, huh? It flies in the face of what hungry hearts immediately crave: a fast fix in the form of a 24-Hour All-You-Can-Handle LOVE BUFFET, served by your husband and enjoyed by YOU. Insert giant "BUT": taking my focus of off me, what I want, what I think I need, and putting that focus on the God, and then on the husband he saw fit to provide, makes sense. Really doing it with unselfish purpose starts to balance everything and I find peace in what I attempt. If I revert to focusing on myself, peace takes a back seat to anxiety and stress and I have to recalibrate my efforts by asking forgiveness, apologizing to my husband and praying for greater guidance than I can ever manage alone.
And so, sharing means ...
- admitting my failures (personal, spiritual, emotional, mental, societal, work, family, home, and our marriage) out loud to my husband
- telling about my successes with facts and without bragging
- asking for change - those things you truly need him to change - using God's guidance, focus on feeling, not blaming, not judging and not condemning
- letting him know my needs, wants, desires and dreams - not as a "to do" list, but because I want him to know me completely
- telling him my hopes for now and the future - again, so he can know me completely
- confessing reactions and attitudes from the past that affect today, and asking forgiveness
- sharing purchases and financial activity
- discussing decisions together - from your brand of toilet paper to saving for the future
- living life together -- all of it
- not packing drama into life, avoiding high emotion and not focusing on your feelings (which will lead you astray)
- being real, learning to express disappointment or hurt with self-control and doing it for the betterment of your marriage rather than the advancement of your own agenda
- understanding the difference between want and need
- not embellishing/stretching/coloring the truth to change your husband's mind or feelings
- not making decisions and trying to cover for them later
- living in the real world with the person you married, not in a virtual one which allows for secrets, and distorted reality as well as wasting time (Internet/electronic)
- not using the past, your feelings, or current situations to manipulate, coerce or micromanage your spouse's actions, thoughts or feelings
- admitting weakness, immaturity, and lack of knowledge when they exist, asking for your husband's help and guidance, and always going to God first -- you aren't Superwoman, no matter how many tasks you manage -- we aren't meant to do or have it all.
- no lies. NONE. No hidden anything, no secrets (exceptions include gifts or something you will share in the future for a positive reason), no half-truths.
Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you. ~~Ephesians 4:29
Sharing without pretending takes some work, especially if you lived the opposite way for much of your life. Think hard before answering and stop the automatic responses to questions. Allow truth to rule. You'll be amazed at how you will change, and the trickle-down from that will seep into so many areas of life you'll feel overwhelmed with the outcomes.
Just do one thing: thank God for the strength, and for the changes you'll discover. He's there through it all -- from the destruction you've witnessed, and then to help pour a new foundation, build strong walls and seal it with a roof. Make sure you include him in the furnishing and in any future renovations, too. He'll never leave, nor forsake you. You do likewise.
Praying for you.
Other articles in this series:
- Ten Ways to Love: An Introduction
- Ten Ways to Love: Answer without Arguing
- Ten Ways to Love: Enjoy without Complaint
- Ten Ways to Love: Give without Sparing
- Ten Ways to Love: Listen without Interrupting
- Ten Ways to Love: Share without Pretending
- Ten Ways to Love: Speak without Accusing
- Ten Ways to Love: Forgive without Punishing
- Ten Ways to Love: Pray without Ceasing
- Ten Ways to Love: Trust without Wavering
Sharing with:
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