Generationally, male-female friendships have expanded in number and in scope, and their very existence seems to indicate something unusual on the social curve. Prior to 1974, no one had even conducted a study of these friendships.
One supposition I make on this lack of "data" is that in older generations, male-female friendships sat at a surface level, more formal, more business-like or acquaintance style. My parents' friendships were forged with other couples, and they included widows and widowers, single people who needed companionship, but they did not include separate friendships with the opposite-sex. I can see the shock on my mother's face at the mere suggestion. That would be wrong, it would look improper, it would be improper for her to associate with another man in a close and personal way. My grandmother's generation held a narrower view, and I can still hear my grandmother refer to church and neighborhood men as, "Mr. Young," or "Mr. Olson." Lines existed.
Today, we hold a loose leash on "How to Relate to Others," and even fewer lines of certainty drawn anywhere. Divulging of personal information to any listening ear prevails in an atmosphere of café and coffee shop meet-ups, texting, instant messaging, e-mail, social network platforms and comment section banter. Reins on conversation topics grow looser, responsibility and self-control have relaxed their grip through the dumbing down of conversation that contains an overabundance of information. What our conversations lack in importance we make up for by the number of texts we send. We communicate more and say less, but in the case of friendship, we often say too much. Our world tuned into friendship and "feel good" in lieu of imposing safeguards and setting limits. We have ditched respectability and grabbed for familiarity on all levels. We want to know and be known.
I'll just get it out there now: most people are missing God. Those holes in life they're filling? God-sized. Many people agree with this and know where the snakes lie in the grass ... people who don't know this seem to keep adding more activity and more people to life in order to fill those spaces. Without God in there, they're feeding a vacuum. A black hole of need.
What does this do to marriage? What about male-female relationships outside the bonds of marriage? Should a married man have female friends or a wife have male friends, each enjoying social time separately? Sharing activities, deep conversations, and meeting together when each finds free time? Texting and e-mailing any time of day or night? Are there implications to consider?
Is it okay for a wife to want to hang out with male friends while her husband wrangles the kiddies and manages without her?
Is it okay for him to want to go for coffee or see a concert with female friends while she takes on the roles at home on her own?
Is it right for her husband to feel uncomfortable that she has male friends whom she makes time to see relatively regularly on her own?
Is it right for her to feel uneasy about his female pals with whom he texts or spends time in person?
I have my own answers: Two yes and two no. Not in that order.
Whatever happened to that vow you made? The one stating that you will "cling only unto each other, forsaking all others"? "Cling" doesn't mean hang around each other's necks like baby chimpanzees, but it does mean "hang on tight to what you have right here. And what does forsaking mean, anyway?
forsaking present participle of for·sake (Verb)
Verb
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I believe the initiating of opposite-sex friendship happens when we stop being close friends with our spouses and the drift to opposite shores begins. Most definitely, a spouse should not serve as our only human connection, but marriage is our most important connection, the one we should cultivate first, above all others. Forsaking all others. Giving up friends does not mean giving in to control -- if a husband demands an end to all friendship, by all means, think harder than that. But, if a husband wants that male friend to hit the bricks, please lay those bricks now. Your marriage matters more than does your social life. If you feel a stronger pull to socialize, and if the pull feels any greater than social interaction, you are on the wrong road. That yellow sign up there at the top of the page is the one to obey: DANGER, WRONG WAY, TURN BACK. Proceeding with caution still leads in the wrong direction. You must turn around and do it completely.
We can't know another person's heart, but we can guard ours with everything we have.
Marriage requires giving your best to your spouse, not dangling leftovers in front of him. If you're hanging with others often, same or opposite sex, you aren't ... simply ARE NOT giving your best to your husband. If you share thoughts and feelings with that opposite-sex person for the purpose of evaluating your marriage, you are not giving your best to your husband. If you associate with that friend for the feeling of closeness he or she provides, you are not giving what you should to your marriage; you are cultivating a relationship with the friend.
A friend (female!) and I share a smile over this upended quote,
The grass is always greener where you water it.
If you put the energy into marriage that you would allot to an opposite-sex friend, you would see results. If you take your marriage seriously, you will want to make it greener. People don't marry to fail, but they fail to keep watering, weeding, fertilizing and taking utmost care of the marriage they planted in the first place. When you begin to keep watch over another relationship, you divide your time and you cannot focus the way you should.
Friendship entails sharing. Life troubles arise. Trouble garners sympathy. Sympathy asks for comfort. Comfort shares emotions. Emotions connect. Connections link hearts, and even the happiest marriage can find itself sabotaged by an external friendship that grew too far without pruning of twining branches.
Opposite-sex friendships might remain completely platonic. They certainly can. However, there is always, always, always, ALWAYS potential for temptation. Illegal U-Turns happen. People run red lights and exceed speed limits. People make wrong turns and figure they'll explore a new avenue and see the sights as time allows.
Opposite-sex friendship has to have brakes. Emergency brakes, too. In such friendships, a guard has to always exist. God provides that guard in the form of his Spirit within us ... but we have the free will to make choices, and that makes the difference.
The truth is, good things -- positive relationships -- can start out innocuously. They can begin during a phone call, at lunch, in a bowling alley, during work, at the grocery store, at the kids' school, and in church! An invisible ball, usually static and centered in platonic relationships, begins to roll. It might go unnoticed for a while, but soon, that ball has inched past the center ... the safe zone. Feelings -- distinctly male and female -- can rise. When the Spirit alerts you, how do you respond? If you don't have lines drawn, if you don't listen to the small voice of the Spirit, you don't. You simply follow the ball.
Marriage is more important than any friendship.
Marriage means sacrificing for husband/wife, for the sake of the other, which offers benefits for both.
Married people must live transparently, having no secrets, holding no cards under the table.
Marriage focuses on the other person, not oneself; service and giving trumps asking and receiving.
Marriage joins a couple in every possible way, and the rest of their lives need to fall in line of importance around it, not the other way around.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment, not a chance and not a maybe.
Marriage is more important than meeting for coffee, than playing a sport of joining a club and connecting with other people of similar interests. Marriage is more important than any other commitment in life.
Pray about your friendships, to sincerely ask for God's direction, not rely on our own feelings and needs (which fail us all the time). Bringing it up to God and listening intently for the answer, which may come as a feeling of aversion to those opposite-sex friendships, or a need to back away and set limits, will happen. If you're on the fence in a friendship, looking at the greenery, hop off into your own weedy, brown grass and get watering!
We can't know for certain where friendship will lead, but we do know where marriage will take us. With the focus on what's right and proper, with what we vowed to do on our wedding day, we make the right choice.
A true friend will understand.
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