You want a
You do love him.
You do all the things you think will express that love best. You keep his interest in mind and don't complain when he pursues them, though sometimes you wish he would pursue them less and you more. Each time you give him his space, he seems to require more of it.
No longer newly wed, you may have unmet expectations. You had a few years of near bliss when real life began to trickle in -- or it slammed in with the force of a tidal wave, and you felt unprepared for handling it. No one told you this could or would happen! You look at married friends, or at couples you see on the street and compare happiness with them, even though you don't know the first thing about their relationship -- their real relationship, aside from what you see or hear. You suppose and assume and create perfection in others that doesn't exist, and then measure your own marriage against it. You fail yours and pass theirs in your mind.
You can bet your bottom dollar your husband feels similarly. He may feel this even more than you do, and perhaps has had these feelings for a longer period of time. He just hasn't said a word.
In my own first years of marriage, I did not consult the Bible at all, and the churches I attended did not offer any instruction. I held the, "You repeat your vows, you kiss and show yourself as a couple united under the blessing of God, he carries you over the threshold and you live life together happily ever after", more or less. Angels sing at random, too. Bliss. HA! I had absolutely no concept of conflict, though it arrived in spades very soon ... over toothpaste tubes, over whether to pass a car on the thruway or not ... as soon as we let down our guards, as soon as we grew comfortable and as soon as we gave in to our real selves in our attitudes and actions. Struggle, grasp at straws, worry, spat, struggle some more. Because we don't have a clue what we're doing.
Yes, you want a good marriage. A great marriage. But how do you get there? **Who teaches you? Well, the Bible does, for starters, and always has. God designed marriage for Adam and Eve (Genesis 2:18-24) and henceforth, all men and women. Cultural changes brought by government or unchecked behavior brought changed social attitudes, but God's plan never changed. It will never change. Our culture has taken away the leadership role of men within marriage and family and culture and made it normal, acceptable and unquestioned in social circles. It's high time we women take it back and help to put it where it belongs. Our husbands need it. Our marriages won't thrive without it. Our children will repeat the frightening process, unless we work to stop it. Unless we spread not only The Word, but the example.
Do Real Marriage, and do it right. Get moving right now, no waiting. The entire marriage covenant, no matter your city, country or continent, relies on a central marriage wheel: a cycle of Respect and Love (for a great understanding of this, please read Love & Respect, Eggerichs).
Using Ephesians 5: 21-33 as a guide, any married person can find the link to successfully navigating the marriage path. The passage reads:
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
First off, don't hang up on the word "submit". It does not mean what our current cultural mind-set would have you believe (slave, mindless, spineless, unworthy, weak, subservient). It means mutual recognition of the relevance of the each other; putting the best interest of the other first. To have the care and nurturing of your spouse in the forefront of your thought, putting him first in your life (after God), and focusing on his needs, and he, likewise, should view you in this way (vs. 21-24). He may not, right now, but your focus rests on him as you begin this journey ... and ever afterward.
A husband should hold his wife in the esteem that Christ holds the church (vs. 25-30) -- keeping care of her, protecting her, giving his life for her. This does not mean a doting husband or a pushover, nor a gutless wonder, or a martyr. This means a strong, striving-to-be-godly man (whom you may not see on your horizon right now, but keep reading).
You marry -- he separates from his parents and becomes one with you; body, mind, spirit and emotion (vs. 31). These aspects take work, communication, trust, admiration, some pitfalls and struggles, but always forgiveness and understanding to pick up and keep going.
The last verse cuts to the chase, in effect. In it, Paul (the writer, the apostle, the man who moved from killing Christians to planting and maintaining Christian churches, and who died for his faith) summarizes the whole thing for us by letting the husband know that his job lies in loving his wife as he loves himself; that the wife's job means respecting her husband. Short and sweet, but the hardest tasks for each of the sexes! God's plan in action.
These things don't come naturally for husbands and wives. Men live by nature in a world made up of masculine codes of honor and respect. Guys just know. They know how much to say to each other, when to say it, and when to zip their lips (drama-free version). Certain things will just never come up or happen between them, which they understand. Manly "givens". Women do not get this. Why don't they talk it out and enjoy closure? We do not come wired with that kind of understanding or view of the world. Women, conversely, live by the heart, showing and sharing emotion continually, as naturally as breathing. Women may share experiences and moments of high emotion in minute detail and other women understand. No explanation necessary as a female. You laugh, you cry, you feel anger, you worry, you rejoice, you feel sorrow ... and the women around you support you, or help you along the way without you asking. The support simply comes. Men don't get this. No one asks, so you refrain from meddling, as men know to do.
Husbands, love your wives. Wives, respect your husbands.
Being that I focus on wives' roles and continue to follow the path of respecting my husband in all ways (and sometimes failing), I can tell you, without a doubt, that the day I began showing this man respect, both quietly and overtly, he perked up and started showing love.
It felt like putting a quarter in a candy machine ... that automatic. And, after spending a long, long time in difficulty and misunderstanding, that outcome fell like rain on parched ground. I soaked it in and felt compelled and happy to do and say and experience more. I happily hopped onto the Respect and Love Wheel and focused on keeping it going around. The cycle runs very smoothly, offering relief, hope, and the respect and love we both crave. Sometimes, I miss the mark, suffer a set-back, trip on a moment that finds me apologizing and rebuilding -- such as misreading my husband's reactions and acting without checking to see that we're on the same page. By far, this process beats doing the misreading, receiving a negative reaction and then either stomping off in a huff, ignoring the reaction or trying to discuss why the reaction wasn't valid and that he didn't understand me, and please let me explain. That, my friend, is the wheel of failure. It never rolls smoothly, and keeps repeating the same negative cycle on the same bumpy track.
Some things you, as a wife, can do to get that Respect and Love Wheel rolling:
- pray -- prayers of guidance, thanks, need, praise ... for every step you take in this
- compliment him on a success or about something you like or that is unique about him
- praise him for work he has accomplished
- thank him for helping you, for providing for you, for being a good father, for odd-jobs
- pat his arm or wrap an arm around his waist in passing
- hug him for no reason at all -- and when he asks, you can tell him that, or give him a reason that feels natural to you
- think of the good points of the man, focus, focus, focus!
- when negatives enter your mind, refuse to entertain them -- invite the positives to take their place
- leave him a note in a place he will see easily; write something thoughtful or insightful about him
- let him know the moment you appreciate or really enjoy something he is/does or represents -- don't wait until later, he will soak it in more completely when it's fresh in his mind
- forgive the faults, overlook them, love the man you remember falling in love with ... you're drawing him out again
- when he makes a loving gesture, react well, and let him know you liked it
- pray some more
I have talked with many women who have found that the man they fell in love with still resides inside the downhearted, downtrodden, cranky, unloving, seemingly uncaring, and/or fallen from faith shell of a person who thumps around the house looking ill at ease ... whom they feel did not deserve respect just by the looks of him.
Here's a bit of news: you probably don't deserve love, either, if we're going to measure it like that. Did you ever consider that? Chances are, you are no picnic to live with (there are exceptions, I am not one of them!), and you have lacked respect for such a long time it may take a while to get a really good reaction. Do not give up, do not despair. Find direction in prayer and in reading the Bible, reviewing this Ephesians portion often.
The important point of the matter is this. Someone has to take a stand and make a start. Offering the respect your husband needs to feel wanted, needed and, well ... loved ... is not too much for you to do. Start with a baby step or a giant leap -- you decide. When you meet a rough spot, just please, please don't make the mistake of saying something like, "You know, I've been acting respectfully, telling you what you want to hear and trying to make you feel needed and I get THIS?"
You can feel the "fake" ringing loud and clear in a sentence like that and so will he. Pray yourself into action. Feel the small respectful items you offer grow larger as you re-see him. Feel the loving feelings return, grow and multiply.
I'm excited for you to get going! Hurry! And smile, lady, SMILE! You're on the right track!
**Married folk can find hundreds of bloggers out there in the ether, determined to share their experiences to assist others with ravaged relationships. Several of those blogs share space on my right-hand sidebar (over there ... --> --> pointing ... ). These lovely, God-empowered people have found the Truth, engaged the Truth, and put the Truth to work in their relationships. Some started out one-sided with God's prodding, others began as a healing from adultery or other infidelity, still others have always existed - through all the seasons of life so far. Each one of them shares instruction and example, as well as encouragement and praise for those who take the first step.
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