As the wheels of the gurney squeaked toward the elevator that would take him to a place he did not want to go, my husband carefully pulled me near and whispered, "I love you."
Squeezing his hand and repeating the same words to him, I kissed him and sent him off to what he feared so much. Surgery. He needed some repair work, but did not sit firmly in the knowledge that he couldn't live "normally" without the surgery. His physical limitations showed he needed it, but in his own mind and heart, he thought he could keep plugging along, enduring the pain. How bad was it, really? How much worse could it grow?
How many people go through marriage just like that? When a marriage hurts, often the people in it prefer to remain in a state of suffering rather than approach someone to help them find healing. No one wants to be a patient. Such an admission equates, in many minds, to weakness.
Must. Not. Show. Weakness. EVER.
This was my husband and me. Two stubborn first-borns battling it out on opposite sides of a marriage, each believing the other should "see it my way" and work harder to make everything right and good for ME. We ignored the fact that a pair of "me's" made this marriage. Each of us focused on one. The wrong one. As our marital health declined, we sought sources of escape or substitution, and remained in a decline until one of us managed to make a call to God, the Great Physician. I believe His qualifications in that practice cover all types of healing, not only the physical.
In that hospital hallway, hearing "I love you" from the man on the gurney felt awkward. He hadn't said those words to me in a while, completely convinced he didn't feel them because we didn't make the gestures of love that require time and effort. Marriage is work, after all. Having followed the easy drift apart throughout many years of marriage, creating the distance that many couples never notice until they feel it's too late, he felt sure that our marriage would end.
He came to this conclusion at about the same time his doctor suggested that surgery would really help. Two horrible choices coming to him at exactly the same time.
What to do?
God knew, and didn't waste any time getting the scalpel and sutures ready for action. He knew our past scars and our current wounds, he knew our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual make-up -- those four things must exist for success in marriage. One or two of the four malfunctioning, misfiring or comatose ensure failure in marriage.
God placed this need for surgery at exactly the right time. Knowing these four capacities in each of us, He knew which one of us needed what kind of repair and set everything up to start moving in varying directions, all planned to come out at this very time. For His purpose.
Those plans began months and probably years prior to this day. Our drifting in different directions had separated us from the ability to care deeply because we took care to manage outside responsibilities and not the most important inside responsibility, our marriage. We focused harder on saving ourselves from the other person's inadequacy at fulfilling needs and wants and stopped focusing at all on acts of love. We stopped doing the little things.
We complained silently as well as aloud. We had a Cold War as well as heated arguments. We suffered at the words and inaction of the other person, as well as felt vindicated when the other showed any hints of suffering. Anger bubbled just below the surface most of the time. Anger comes from misunderstanding, poor communication, and also from some misgivings about one's own part in the misery ... and avoiding the acceptance of that responsibility.
The alternate routes each of us took allowed God to work with us in specific ways, in different "zones" of our minds and hearts. While I zeroed in on volunteering and keeping busy with children's activities, God began letting me see the time and energy I invested and what that investment provided our family and marriage. He gave me a complete disinterest in any activities outside our home. I wondered what had gotten into me. Clearly, now that I can see ... God had gotten into me. He meant business, and he wanted me to choose the right activity, by His standards.
We can be doing good, wonderful, honorable, helpful things in life and still be sinning. Even positive activities can take away from what God has in mind for us. Our own sense of keeping busy warps our sense of right and necessary. God has a way of telling us "no". Lack of ambition in outside activities was my "no." He took all energy from me in those things. All of it. Not a scrap remained.
My husband pointed himself in the direction of work, social media and an addictive secret life. God battled with him the way I envision Him wrestling with Jacob. Physical ailments prevailed in making him stop and make changes he would not have made on his own. He struggled in his mind to keep all of his activities in check. God wrestled with him there, too, and continued for quite some time to separate his fact from fiction, His Truths from worldly lies.
We had no idea at the time that these things were happening and that God had them all in His control in such detail. No words can describe the amazing transformations that occurred in very little time.
Back at the hospital, several hours after I left my husband in the care of medical professionals, I had him in my care. As he emerged from the fog of anesthesia and pain medications, he found himself at the mercy of those around him, unable to move independently for anything. At my mercy, which he felt unsure of receiving.
We had spotty care from the staff at the hospital during my husband's stay. I had God-given means for me to do the care-giving. For four days, I lived in the same room, refilling ice packs, requesting medicine doses on time, adjusting body position for comfort, moving pillows, handling meals and assisting in physical therapy. After four nights of sleep deprivation for both of us, the doctor sent us home, and for many weeks, the same care regimen continued.
The physical healing happened slowly and in the context of the surgical repair and its special needs. In the meantime, faster and more direct in His work, God gave my husband mental, emotional and spiritual care, concentrated and practical. He gave him exercises in the form of learning to depend fully on me and in letting his fear of losing control of situations relax. He prescribed total rest from the outside world, which we accepted without question. It allowed us to talk and listen effectively, and to tune in to each other in ways we had never experienced in our marriage prior to this healing time. He promoted emotional and spiritual healing in the form of our entertainment choices and in the timeframe (Christmas Season), giving us opportunities to share our thoughts and feelings on varied subjects.
Strange as it may sound, this surgery provided a second honeymoon at a time when we believed an impasse existed, that nothing could change the direction of our relationship and turn it away from destruction. We felt God's presence and see it more clearly in the rearview mirror as time goes forward.
God gave us the blessing of time. Time does heal wounds, but not in the manner in which most of us understand that old adage. Time heals wounds when people take the time to learn to communicate in better ways. Time heals when we spend it together on activities that unite us and make memories to share, rather than squander it for ourselves on selfish activity. Time heals when we manage it to the best of our ability and not fritter it away without discussing our options. Time heals when we form bonds within it, using purposeful activities, communication and chance to learn about one another to make those bonds stronger.
Yes, surgery did play a central role in healing our marriage. Only one of us experienced a physical change, but God used that opportunity to unite us in all the ways we had divided when left to our own selfish devices.
The best news in any marriage illness is that the Doctor is always in ... He makes house calls and knows your history ... as well as your future.
No comments:
Post a Comment