With a Tween and a Teen residing within these four walls, I sometimes feel them close in, feeling claustrophobia creeping closer with them. Or maybe it happens that the children seem to grow larger, taking up the space with their growing physical selves, their overabundance of dirty clothing, their paraphernalia from school and extra-curricular activities, their over-used vocal cords and their burgeoning, self-aborbed attitudes.
It's the vocal cords, coupled with the attitudes that really crowd me.
What happened to the joyful, giggling toddlers who danced naked in the family room to "The Wiggles" CDs? Where did the little ones go who fancied every little thing we did for them and tackled small chores as if our existence depended on it? When did the sweet sentences uttered in devotion turn cold and callous? Where did the wrong turn from sweet-tempered to taciturn happen?
Where did the floors of their rooms go?
Whether our children have a weekend or a week to spend outside the structure and schedules of a school day, we see them transform before our eyes as their feet part ways with the last school bus step. As they lean toward boredom as their first choice of activity, we lean back in shock ... wondering what to do with them. Our children sense fear. It energizes them to exhibit even lower behavior on the "Acceptable Behavior" scale.
That's how it feels at our house.
Rather than leave kids to their own devices, and I do mean devices -- electronics offer an easy out. give them a challenge. Don't give them long lists, give them pieces of a list. One or two entries at a time. They're just like us ... needing motivation to do what they should! Doing the right thing takes effort as well as modeling, and Tweens/Teens have a way of siphoning that kind of energy right out of us parents.
Focus. Direct your energy toward challenging and encouraging, in small amounts. Resist the urge to expect complete change and recognize baby steps for what they are. Resist the urge to cheerlead or to chastise. Resist the urge to critique. Find something good to notice. Look for small signs of progress. Offer to help, or to make a snack. Make some small talk, but DO NOT ask how the science experiment your daughter has grown in the laundry pile is coming along. Don't point to this undone task over here when you can see your son working over there. Lay low. Keep conversation light and minimal.
You can do this!
I find that our kids do feel motivated by a challenge. Nothing big, nothing over the top, not some endless chore, but something with a foreseeable end and a reward (intrinsic and extrinsic). Some children feel motivated by numbers or time frames for getting things done. Others need only a nudge to complete a task for the simple reward of satisfaction in fulfilling a request. No matter what age, children like rewards, while revoking of privileges deflates them, causing them to see and feel defeat. If you want them to act in positive ways, give them positive motivation.
I know that for myself, I do best when I have a short time to complete a task. You know how this one works. Guests will arrive in a few hours and you have to clean the bathrooms, de-clutter, dust, vacuum, find someplace to put the dirty/clean laundry, and create a mouth-watering menu. Having 3 or 4 hours gives you the spark ... the push to use every second wisely, and to see positive results.
I have discovered my children work well under a bit of time constraint, too. Rather than tell them they must have their rooms made presentable between Friday night and Sunday night -- a wide-open time frame with disconnected parameters -- giving them two hours to reorganize a closet and make the bed gets part of the job done. A round of "Sorry" or some cookie-baking afterward provides ample reward. Fortified on cookies and milk, they march more readily to tackle an hour of sorting clothes and replenishing their dresser drawers, and picking up gear/toys/sundries and appropriately storing them. A stint on the electronics might make a good follow-up, but a family activity would better reward everyone and connect the whole group, rather than find everyone in separate areas. Unite whenever possible.
Promoting togetherness just after an active period (cleaning, chores, meal prep) makes use of the energy still in the air. Use your resources wisely and know you can't store that energy. Use it or lose it!
Not for nothing have these years received their share of loud sighing, grim expressions and rolling eyes from the parents who have lived them. The Terrible Two and the toddlers' Why? phases can't compete with a Tween/Teen who feels unmotivated to help and even less motivated by a parent kidding or cajoling them into it.
Pretending to tunnel into a bedroom strewn with a month's worth of undone laundry, old schoolwork, candy wrappers and somewhere, you hope, the family pet, will not help your cause.
Unite when you can; avoid the trap of comparing your child to a "perfect" or "acceptable to you" child.
Conquer necessary infractions. Some clutter and mess happens in life, and kids just don't see it or it doesn't bother them. Hearing a parent beg for or demand a change in environmental conditions in their living quarters will push them farther from you and closer to peers. If some risk to life and limb appears, handle that only. Don't make it a whole-room issue; you will overwhelm your child into non-action.
Remember they have a desire for freedom and independence, but that keeping a messy room does not signify this, necessarily. However, a child hounded often about tidying up may very likely do the opposite. Promote independence by offering options that promote responsibility in a variety of areas.
Reverse psychology won't trick them into cooperating. They're on to you there, and call it out accurately when they recognize it.
The small stuff matters. If they make a dent in the mass of mess, drop a compliment. When they take initiative to help in some way, notice it out loud. There are baby steps on both sides. For the tween/teen, it's taking on responsibility and learning to manage oneself effectively. For the parent, it's letting go of the child little by little, and mentoring the management of oneself.
Realize that while we can see unrealized potential in our kids, nailing them on it only makes a lot of noise and ultimately drives them in the opposite direction. They desire acceptance and recognition for their abilities. Find them and recognize often!
We have several days over the Easter weekend to make a difference in our home and in our family relationships. Be assured, I will pray for guidance all along because I know I will come up against impatience in myself and some resistance from the "vacationers".
We shall overcome -- both the clutter, the piles of laundry, and the attitudes that often divide us.
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